(I’ve had this saved
in my computer for over a month. The time has come, though, to finally publish
it).
A little over a year ago, a scared young man experienced the
straw that broke the camel’s back. Feeling lost, alone, and struggling to find
what he was looking for in romantic partners and his newly acquired queer
community, he hopelessly began his quest for resolution with a Google search:
“gay mormon.” This simple phrase returned a plethora of results, including the
blog for a figure prominent within the gay Mormon movement. After exchanging a
few emails, the young man became connected to numerous Facebook groups and
individuals all gathered for the same purpose: to support each other under the
common alias of “gay and Mormon.”
One year later, I’m wondering where the support went.
Initially, that curiosity wasn’t present. I took part in
some wonderful discussions and critical dialogue. I witnessed some incredible
stories and saw individuals triumph and achieve huge successes. I even attended
a conference to explore these ideas and discussions even further, and connected
with an amazing group of people that I still keep in touch with to this day.
But the winds have swiftly changed. No longer is my voice
given merit in these spaces. In fact, it’s often silenced by allies claiming to know what’s best for me.
Often times, this is done by speaking over those of us who do identify this way and
attempt to speak out. My desire to address issues on a systemic, Church policy
level has been ignored by individuals seeking to assimilate into those Mormons
who have oppressed them and others like them. Instead of recognizing our
differences and variation in experiences as LGBTQ Mormons, we are now
prescribed the way to enact both
aspects of our shared identity. The stories of individuals in mixed orientation
marriages are deployed by many in the Church as the way to be LGBTQ and Mormon. Sadly, this is not the only
prescription LGBTQ Mormons are given. Many other similarly harmful prescriptions
are in circulation, ones issued even by allies and our own movements.
And the more I speak out, the more I struggle finding resonance.
When the straw broke the camel’s back this time, I asked
myself to reflect upon why I’m involved in these spaces and movements, and if
that’s being fulfilled. I was searching for people like me that I could relate
to. And on the surface, I found that. Beneath it, I only found out how different
I am.
But while my pursuit requires me to step back these spaces,
I will still very much be there. My background in feminist studies and activist
work within the queer community only enriches my understanding of societal
issues at play within Mormon spaces. I, along with other Mormon feminists, as
well as other religious feminists and non-religious ones, will be there to
address these issues and work at dismantling them in an institution which
thrives on their presence.
I’ve had a wonderful time writing for “Breaking the
Silence;” I’ve grown so much since I first started writing. I’ve learned that to
critique something does not mean to get rid of it or disavow of it completely,
but to take a critical and honest look at something. In the words of Debbie
Ford: “If
we deny our ugliness, we lessen our beauty.” And I’ve learned that I
make the rules for myself, that I should never feel like I must abide by
stereotypes and rules set forth for me, even in queer spaces. This blog was one
of the first I ran into in my quest for gay Mormons, and I look forward to
returning to my spectator role and keeping up with the brilliant posts these
authors continue to come up with. Because I feel like I have shifted from a gay Mormon to a queer…secular. But for now, perhaps another young individual could utilize this space to grow
and develop some. I know I did. And my silence has been broken. More accurately
put, it can’t be contained.
“Did you find what you were looking for?”
“No... no. But I found
something I thought I'd lost: Faith to keep looking.”
-
The X Files “The End Game”
