How I Fell

I was raised like most every other mormon girl, with the continual pressure, prodding, persuading and brainwashing that i would grow up to be a stay at home mother, with a loving husband and plenty of children. 

Becuase my parents were so restrictive and afraid of everything, as far I knew, the word gay meant happy until i was in college when i would learn that peers i had had in high school had "come out" and i saw the gay kiss between Rachel and Melissa on 'Friends'  (College got weird for me, after that).  I was always taught that men loved women and women loved men and there was nothing else. Nothing else was REAL.  Anything else I would ever hear of or see would be fictitious or between two people who were just playing around like two drunk girls on spring break in Miami, and that those people were misled, or acting out or bad!, but most especially, that those people were definitely not in love.

I kissed boys in my late teens, I dated men in college.  I felt attraction, I liked big, hard, muscle bodied men.  I loved/STILL love my male friends and number them among the most loyal I've ever had.  I have an ease with males that has always been difficult with females.

I've felt drawn to women since I was 12.  I was never allowed to go to friends' sleepover parties but dreamed of being able to make what Anne Shirley of 'Anne of Green Gables' calls, a "bosom friend'!  (no pun seriously intended)  When I was younger, females made me nervous.  I was quiet and self conscious around them, always wanting to stay cool and collected, but I simply came out, instead, the quiet, sweet girl who never spoke.  

Years later at the age of 25, I had renamed myself as a friendly, outgoing woman and involved myself in lots of activities with other women. 

 I was married and living in Philadelphia with my husband of 4 years and my first baby girl.  I had a best friend.  A woman, even!  She and I had met while our husbands went to graduate school in Michigan and when they both got hired on by the same company in Philly, we were thrilled.  She even had her baby girl a month before I had mine.  

It was at this time that I had openly claimed female celebrity crushes, Scarlett Johannsen  and the incomparable Julie Andrews. (YES, I'm serious. she is one classy lady. besides, her as Mary Poppins, mee-oww!) and I was beginning to admit to myself that I truly was attracted to women, although I kept it a deep, fantastical secret that revealed itself in my dreams often. 

My friend and I became inseparable.  Gym, shopping, hanging out, movies, baby stuff, walks, parks, we even went and met one of the cast of 'Twilight' at our local Hot Topic during the 'Twilight' craze.  I loved her. And then I realized, rather terrifyingly, that I didn't have just friend love for her, but I was attracted to her.  

I dreamed sexually about her. I looked away at the gym when she changed, I looked away when she was climbing in the pool in her bikini. I looked away when she washed her gorgeous long hair in the shower afterwards... So much looking away.  So many feelings.  So much wanting. 

She divorced her husband and moved back to her parents house in California. I had my second baby and moved to a little town outside of Houston, Texas.  

That's when I fell in love.  With her.  With the girl of my dreams, and there was no awkward, scared 19 year old, fumbling over words, but a brave, confident woman, ready to be who I really was. 

The first time I saw her, she was at the community swimming pool, sitting on a pool chair in her bikini, impossibly tan, impossibly cool, impossibly sexy!  I was mesmerized and drawn as if by an invisible electric tentacle. When I saw her I thought 'I want to be her friend' and Before I knew it, i was saying, "Hi, I'm Mina."

And she replied in her impossibly adorable accent, "Hey. I'm Veronica".

And the rest... Is for next time. 

All the Promise

Matt here.

My roommate who used to be Mormon and our Mormon friend and I were hanging out a while back after having dinner. Maybe it's just me, but I feel a weird dynamic in that threesome. There's a hunger in the air from the gay ones to be part of that world again, and a whistfulness from the straight one that I at least interpret as a longing to get out of it. The conversation always drifts to Mormonism, our old ward and who's dating who and who might be moving to Utah to chase that person they've been not-dating for years and callings and age limits and I miss it.

I miss parts of it. I miss having a cohort. I miss having a Plan. I don't miss feeling utterly separate from my cohort or finding my love at odds with the Plan. 

Honestly, I'm sitting in front of a trendy cafe in Berkeley, sipping too-sweet cocoa and watching a farmer's market get set up, and I feel like if there were a syringe of Mormonism in front of me, I'd shoot up. If it were Sunday, I'd be on my way to the chapel, t-shirt notwithstanding. If I were sitting across from a bishop, I'd ask for help. I want the plan and the cohort pretty bad right now. My life is good, but it's misted with uncertainty. The Navy has somehow still not given me a decision about my officer application and may continue not giving me a decision into the new year. My roommates are planning to move in the unknown but nearish future. My new job starts in a couple days, and though I think I'll like it it's hard to tell beforehand. And then there's dating!

It all comes together to make me crave stability, certainty--a cohort, a Plan. I don't know that I've ever found that outside of Mormonism. Certainly not to the extent of eternity in both directions.

I'm glad it isn't Sunday. All the promises of Mormonism notwithstanding, the endless childhood repetitions of their story notwithstanding, goodwill and friendliness of the members notwithstanding, it's all spoiled by my disbelief ( / its falsehood, if you want to see it that way.) I don't believe, so the cohort can't be mine even if they want to. I don't believe, so the Plan is just a bad fit. 

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Postscript: I felt ill and depressed all that day and the next. I chatted with my sister, and after she'd heard all the evidence she chalked it up to recent love life angst--efforts were thwarted a couple different times by a couple different people.

It's interesting that the first thing I thought of to try and fill the "significant other" gap was Mormonism. Makes sense; they're pretty well interwoven. I'm glad I didn't try to make myself feel better by going to church, though. Mormonism isn't what I really wanted, though there's a lot of overlap and similarity.

Mormonism is like a McGriddle. Sometimes I think it's exactly what I need, but every time I partake I feel sick after. The trouble has always been knowing what I'm actually craving and how to satisfy it.

***

I forgot about this guy. I like him.

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Happy Affirmation conference! Maybe next time I'll show up just to rub elbows with all y'all.