What Did One Bisexual Say To The Other?

I realize I've sucked a big butt at keeping my posts regular.  However, in my defense I'm moving in less than two weeks and I have SO much to do.

BUT!  That is neither here nor there.

News, friends.  I went on a date... with a man.  I've known him for two years and we've been able to work together in some really awesome capacities.  Well he finally asked me out formally and we had and ARE HAVING such a fun time!!

He is so many many things and there is so much I could say about what kind of person he is (in a word: beautiful!) but what I really want to tell you is something pretty special.

He is bisexual.  Like me.  He views love like I do.  We love who we love.

At first i was scared.  I'd never had feelings for someone who was fully bisexual like I am.  And I was able to talk to him about it.  My fear, how he feels, perceptions on love, romance, relationships, etc.

And now... It's fucking beautiful.  

Please Bite

Hi there!  I'm Mz. W.

It's not technically my day to post, but I wanted to introduce myself a little before next Wednesday when you can expect to see my first post here on LGBT Voices.

I am in love with a woman, live with my boyfriend, was married to a man with whom I have two cute as hell daughters.

I have  a penchant for mischief and I've been kicked out of more than two bars in Salt Lake City alone. (always a good time). Every Saturday I play football with my friends and my favorite color is the shade of blue that is a swimming pool on the hottest day of summer.  It's not always fun and games though, I am currently working toward finishing my MBA in Operations Management.

I love women. I like men.

I can't wait to tell you stories, and I would be happy to answer questions.  Things I want to discuss: sexuality (of course), coming out and not coming out, comparisons of man and woman, forgiveness and forgiving, self acceptance and many other things.

Talk to you on Wednesday!

living out by e

I've been afraid of my roommate finding out that I'm not straight, so I try not to link my blog to my Facebook, and I try not to say anything "too gay" around her.  Well today, while watching Erica Hahn and Callie Torres make out on Grey's Anatomy, and cheering at the touchdown (side note: I love that the narrator mentions "Which team are you batting for" right as they kiss hahaha), my roommate asked me, "Are you bi?" For a second I thought that I had misunderstood her, so I pointed at myself and asked, "Me?"  She nodded.

For a split second, the world stopped and I thought of 100 different outcomes.  She could take it well.  She could freak out.  She could run and hide.  She could kick me out.  She could take it well THEN freak out.  But I am SICK of living in the stupid musty closet.

So I nodded.  That's all I did, I nodded.  She smiled and said, "That's cool.  I'm not freaked out or anything.  My bestfriend, not *****, but another one, she's bi.  I think a lot of people are bi these days, like it's the cool thing to do."  I laughed and said, "Yeah, I've got a theory about that." And told her how I think that VERY few people are a solid 0 or a solid 6, that almost everyone, under the right circumstances and with the right person, could go either way.

So now I'm out of the closet. Again.  The only person I was worried about finding out has found out and hopefully everything will work out okay.  So here's to hoping! *raises flagon, then chugs*

my mask by e

That poem is entitled Masks. How many times we might have passed someone else with blue skin, but because we were too ashamed, or scared of rejection, we didn't know it.  How many connections, loves, affairs, relationships have been missed because we wore our mask.  How many times have good things passed me by because I was too scared to let my true self show.

I can understand the desire to live with the mask firmly in place.  It is easier to accept rejection if I can say, "They don't really know me, they only see the me I want them to."  But I can also understand the desire to live with the mask in the garbage can, thrown away so that the true me shines through.

My mask is that of a straight girl, who studies a lot, and reads a little for fun.  My mask likes to work out, and smoke and drink.  My mask doesn't know too much about music or movies or authors or composers.  My mask tries to blend in.

The girl behind my mask love to look at men and women.  The real me loves to read for fun and to listen to Gershwin and Vivaldi while blogging.  The real me is head over heels for a man named Isaac and want to date a woman named Macy.  The real me doesn't want kids, only horses and cats. Maybe a dog or two.  The real me wants a nose ring, a tattoo behind her ear, tattoos on both wrists and tattoos down both legs.  The real me hates small talk and wanted to be told everything straight, just like it is, no sugar coating.

But what about making people feel uncomfortable? Sometime, the true me- the bi-pan-queer, horse loving, Whedon'ite- overwhelms and frightens people; especially the bi-pan-queer part.  So how do I live: with the mask off or the mask on?  Or should I buy an opera mask and only show part of my face?

perception by E

I am a cisgender female, which means that I am a female by sex and I identify as a female.  In short, I'm a girl.  I prefer female pronouns, like her and she, and I like to look like a girl. But I don't have a very elaborate or fancy wardrobe.  I am also not a girly-girl.  I'm allergic to make-up and hair styling products and even if I wasn't, I think there are better things to do with my time, like read.  But lately I have been afraid that I have been coming across as boy'ish, or dykie.

I wear boots and jeans and old thrift store sweaters.  My hair is almost always in a braid or ponytail, and stuffed under a hat of some kind.  I was told the other day that I come off as the dominant one in a relationship.

I don't want to be the dominant one, I want there to be a trade off between me and my girl, or boy.  I don't want to come off as a dyke... I want to be seen as femme, maybe blue jean femme at the least.  But how do I do that?  Should I invest in better clothes?  Should I find make-up that I am not allergic to?

But what about my already stretched budget?

Money sucks.  And so does figuring yourself out...that sucks too :(

Oh well! What can I do to figure out how to make my outsides look the way my insides feel?

A Sense of Self by E

What is a sense of self and when do you know that you have it?

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this here, but I have depression.  I am not depressed, I am not my disease.  And that is what this is, a disease, an illness, the mental equivalent of the flu. Except there is no vaccine.  I see a therapist for talk therapy and a psychiatrist for medications and both agree that one of the big roots of my depression is my lack of a solid sense of self and values.  Okay, well how do I get that?  Where do I go within myself, or without, that will help get a sense of self?

Two big aspects of self and values, for me any way, are sexulity and belief of what lies beyond.  I don’t have solid thoughts on either of those.  I like men and women, but up until a few weeks ago, I thought I was gay, that I’d never sleep with another man after my ex-fiance. But lo and behold, I am currently sleeping with Cowboy, crushing on Coffeeshop Guy and going on dates with Mormon Boy; ALL MEN! I don’t have any women in my line up right now and that is weird for me because I really want a girlfriend.  On the other hand I love having sex with men.

My therapist thinks that the human body gets depression when something is wrong; wrong relationship, wrong sense of self, wrong program in school, wrong roommates, wrong town, wrong religion.  He also thinks that everything in life is fluid and rarely stays the same.  And that goes for sexuality as well.  Combining those two thoughts, maybe my bisexuality was trying to save me from getting married, something that was wrong for me, by completely turning me off to guys for a while and once I was clear of marriage, I reverted back to being bi?

There are a lot of different kinds of sexuality and the two that I’m trying to decide between are pansexual and bisexual.  I don’t quite understand the difference between the two.  I’ve heard many definitions and they don’t make a lot of sense to me.  From what I’ve heard, pan is being able to love and be attracted to and connect with all people regardless of physical sex and gender identity, where bi is able to love and be attracted to and connect with men and women.  Yeah, I don’t see a difference, but oh well.

I think one thing that I need work on in order to build my value system is to say “no” when my guts tell me to.  I talk big about following your instincts, that they know best and will help you more than any advice you could get from anyone, but I don’t do it myself.

Isn’t that another part of depression, not following your values? I think that is what I’m going to work on next, but how do I do that? Suggestions please :)