Contrast Isn't Negation.

Dear readers, this is a post I’ve wanted to write for a while. At first I wanted to write it because I’m Right And He’s Wrong, and for a while after that I wanted to write it because He’s Giving Us Gays A Bad Reputation, and then I forgot about it. And then I remembered, and I found that I didn’t really care like I did before. I still think I’m right and I still think what I’ll take issue with today gives us gays a bad name, but that doesn’t seem like the big deal it did when it was fresh. I hope that means I can keep from stepping on toes, but if I can’t, well, if you care enough to comment, I hope you can comment with something substantive.

Without further ado:

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“I love you, but . . . "

Some gays hate to hear this phrase. Hate it. When they hear it they go blind with rage. They are offended, often loudly, and they lecture the person who said it. If they don’t lecture in the moment, there’s a good chance they will lecture later, in writing, through Facebook or email or a blog. If they don’t do that, they’ll just let the rage boil in their spleen.

Today I want to talk about Clive’s discussion about this phrase. Clive, and many others in this community, have a problem with the phrase “I love you, but [any non-gay-affirming thing].” Not only do I not have a problem with that phrase, I think that having a problem with it shows a lack of empathy. My next few posts will examine why I think that by looking at at Clive’s words.

First: “But” is as foul as “any of the four letter words that I try sometimes unsuccessfully to avoid.” Points off right out the gate for outrageous hyperbole. You think “but” is as foul as “shit,” “fuck,” or “cunt”? Maybe you avoid different words than I do.

Second: “When I was young, I learned something that has stayed with me my entire life ... a little insight into English grammar. I learned that when we use ‘but’ in a sentence, we in fact generally negate most of what we have said before the ‘but’.”

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Let’s test this!

“He would have protested but he was afraid”

Negation? No. Exception.

“There is no doubt but he won”

Negation? No. It’s a synonym for “that.”

“It never rains but it pours”

Negation? No. Requirement.

“No sooner started but it stopped”

Negation? No. It’s a synonym for “than.”

“he was called but he did not answer”

Negation? No. Contrast.

“not peace but a sword”

Contrast.

“poor but proud”

Contrast.

***

"But" does many things, but to say that it generally negates is just not true. Back when Clive’s post was fresh, I mentioned this in a comment, and though three people responded to that comment, no one disputed the point—they just considered it inconsequential. I got very frustrated then, because how can the fact that the underlying assumption of the series is obviously faulty be inconsequential?

Clive responded by telling me that “The point of this series is to help those who are Mormon and really want to build bridges to the gay community understand that communication for communication’s sake is worse than meaningless. If Mormons want to build bridges, they have to be willing to actually open their hearts, reach out, and show a little understanding on OUR terms, not theirs. That’s what reaching out is all about . . . Moving from a safe space to the place where you feel a little discomfort.”

I have all sorts of problems with that (next week we’ll explore them!) but for now I just want to say that if you get to your conclusion via faulty reasoning, then you leave your conclusion wide open to claims that it is faulty as well.

Suppose that some Mormons who really want to build bridges to the gay community read this. Perhaps they, like me, will notice right from the start that something is amiss and so will be skeptical of everything else in the post, right up to not believing the series’ conclusion, not necessarily because it’s a bad conclusion, but because they don’t trust the source. Or perhaps they’ll agree with the argument right up until the conclusion, which challenges them in uncomfortable ways—then they back up until they find this flaw and say “Ah ha! I knew it. The foundation is wrong, so the conclusion is wrong, so I don’t have to change.”

In the end, the people who will agree with Clive after reading the “I love you, but . . . “ are the same people who agreed with him before, but worse: all of those people are now more strongly confirmed in their belief. In their minds they’ve just experienced a well-thought out argument supporting their beliefs, despite the fact that the argument really supported nothing at all, because it was based on faulty assumption. Whatever the intended point of the series is, the result is that no hearts or minds are won and everyone is just convinced more strongly that they are right.

Now. Next week I’ll talk about the circumstance in which “but” statements actually are negation markers and what that means to this argument (hint: It includes the word “hypocrisy”).

***

In case you’re not yet convinced that that thing Clive learned in grammar school has been corrupted to suit the speech he wanted to give, here is the definition M-W gives for ESL learners (all examples in this post are taken from m-w.com, the editors’ preferred dictionary!): 

1 — used to introduce a statement that adds something to a previous statement and usually contrasts with it in some way 

• I don't know her, but my husband does. 
• He wants to go to the movies, but I want to go to the museum. 
• He plans to visit Boston and Chicago, but not New York. 
• The book is not a biography at all but (instead is) a fictional account. 
• It's not the music I don't like but (rather) the band themselves. 
• She got the promotion not by luck but by hard work. 
• The fighting has been going on for years. But to really understand the current situation, you have to look at the history of the region. 
• She called his name, but he did not answer. 
• He fell but (he) wasn't hurt/injured. 
• I told him to stay, but he refused to. 
• It might have been raining, but it was still a nice wedding. 
• I'd love to come to the party, but [=however] I'll be away that weekend. 
• I'm sorry, but I won't be able to help you. 
• The dress is quite plain but (it's) pretty. 
• They were polite, but not really friendly. 
• Not only was it quite cold on our trip, but it rained the whole time too. 
• I can't do it—but neither can you.

Look at all that contrast.

Man, I do not miss adolescence. Not one bit.

A good friend of mine lives in Utah. She was dating a guy a little while ago. We write to each other frequently and sometimes Skype, so I heard lots of lovely details about his job and his biceps and his issues and yes, I called it, he’s gay.

Well, he says he’s bisexual. I should probably defer to his self-identification—bisexuals are real I think—but I’m pretty sure he’s just in fooling himself. I say this because some weeks before my friend and this guy broke up, he forwarded her a link to a talk, which she forwarded to me. The speaker? Jeff Robinson.

Maybe you don’t recognize the name. He’s famous / infamous in gay LDS  circles.

I would share the link with you, but the url has some private information in it thanks to the guy’s file-naming choices. It’s essentially a John Bytheway style talk expounding Robinson’s theories about how boys become attracted to boys and how they can combat that . . . that “challenge.” Sorry ladies, your development is not theorized.

My friend’s “bi” friend treats these ideas as God’s Honest Truth. I do not think this is so. Nevertheless, I find some of the ideas appealing. Robinson says that gay guys are generally intelligent boys who are in touch with their feelings and who have a higher than normal urge to be Good, and that coupled with the somewhat dysfunctional/negative/nonexistent LDS teachings about sex leads these boys to orient themselves toward other boys. He goes on to say that during puberty, when boys are aroused pretty much twenty-four / seven for any reason at all, that orientation becomes sexualized. (Other boys are bored with boys by this point, so it’s their budding interest in girls that becomes sexualized.)

There are good things about this view. It’s more compassionate than one that says we’re just Satan’s aberrations or whatever. Who doesn’t want to think of themselves as intelligent, in touch with their feelings, and desiring to be Good? And yes, for those of you who’ve never been adolescent boys, that frequency of arousal is just about right. And so frustrating when you’re trying to be Good.

There are problems, though. Forgive me for not getting in to them, but without a copy or transcript of the talk to give you, I’d have to transcribe big chunks of it on my own even before setting upon the rats’ nest of logic and assumptions going on there. I’m not up to it tonight.

Luckily for all of us, I’ve been reading gay Mormon blogs for a loooong time, so I remember when way back in 2009-ish a couple of other bloggers talked about the same guy! (Though not the same talk.) Jon contemplated him. O-mo disagreed with him. And Alan eviscerated him. Ouch.

My ending thoughts are that for all I know, for at least some of us, he could be on to something regarding how sexual orientations are formed, at least in part. Lots of little bits of his theory resonate with me. I don’t think that means same sex attractions can be changed or even substantially lessened, though perhaps you can learn to devalue them and not pay attention to them. As someone who doesn’t believe in God’s condemnation for homosexual sex, I don’t think that’s necessary or even desirable, but if you, like my friend’s “bi” friend, want to try, be my guest.

***

This week I’m going to think about “the gay identity” and read a few essays that I came upon this week and tucked away.

***


I’m twenty-four now. It's been a really long year, full of good, and now I'm ready to hibernate. Three more weeks of school!

Ode to a Gay Blogger

My coming out story has been tumultuous to say the least and, unfortunately, it is far from over.  I can say, however, that the greatest strides I’ve made with loving who I am and coming to terms with myself has happened since I started writing for this blog.  Truth be told, my co-authors have helped me cultivate a greater understanding of what it means to be gay and, more importantly, what it means to be me and I will be forever in their debt.

So, I dedicate this post to my lovely co-contributors here at Breaking the Silence, I love all of you!

Lee – 

I know you’re new and I don’t know you that well but I am grateful for your example.  The courage I have already seen you display on this blog and in person truly astound me.  I am much older than you (in fact, you make me feel old but that is entirely beside the point) but you are strides ahead of me in this life and I look up to you in so many ways.

Your strength and example of coming out and being proud of who you are at such a young age is not only impressive, but it is also a testament to your courage and character.  Thank you for sharing your voice with this blog and being a positive example to countless others.  You have truly become one of my heroes.

Bailey – 

You are such a lovely person and I am so grateful you let me into your life a little bit more each week.  We’ve never met and I don’t know that we will ever have the opportunity to meet – this makes me sad.  I hope that one day our paths will cross because you are such a unique and fascinating individual and I know my life would be greatly enriched.  You have so much personality and a strength about you that I think is incredibly rare; love who you are and let your beautiful light shine! You are amazing!

Thank you for taking us on your weekly adventures and sharing your story. I know life can be very challenging and, from what you’ve shared, you may have additional challenges that we haven’t had to address.  I just hope you know that you are loved by many and that all of us on the blog are grateful for who you are and we are all rooting for you!  I also hope you know that you have changed my life for the better.  Thank you for being you!

Dupree – 

I love the visual journeys you often take me on.  I love hearing your dreams, your goals, your frustrations, and your loves.  Your strength and willingness to be who you are so openly and willingly is truly beautiful.  I am so glad you have stuck with the blog and I know that you will continue to bless all of your readers with your sweet personality and outstanding charisma.

I am also grateful for your courage to be so open with your mother, your coworkers, and everyone on Facebook.  I don’t know when I will get to that point (and I will, eventually) but I am so impressed with your strength and I hope you know how wonderful and refreshing it is to watch you be you – all of you – in such a public forum.  Thank you for your sterling example.

Tiff –

First of all, thank you for starting and maintaining this blog.  I know you have been to hell and back and I am so grateful for the example you have been to me and to the countless others who read and share this blog.  The wonderful impact you have made on me and continue to make on others is outstanding. I cannot adequately express my gratitude and love for you!

On a personal level, I am so glad I have had the opportunity to meet you and be counted as one of your friends.  You are a beautiful ball of energy and love and I cannot remember meeting anyone who loves life and enjoys the beauty of the world around us as easily and readily as you.  Thank you for your courage and conviction and your love.  You mean the world to me and I am so glad you are in my life!

Jo –

My dear, once-long-lost friend, I am so grateful you are back in my life.  You are wonderful in every sense of the word.  I don’t think I have ever met anyone so genuine and caring in my whole life!  The authentic manner you live your life is not only encouraging, it is impressive.  I just love you so much!

Thank you for posting your LGBT Voices entries on Facebook so I could anonymously read them until finally, one day, I had the courage to “like” your status and ask you to submit a guest post.  Within a week or two I was the new Monday blogger and I haven’t looked back since.  You are, in large part, responsible for helping me find my voice and myself.  I will be forever grateful for your beautiful example and for your sweet patience with me.  Thank you for everything and I truly hope you know that you are one of my favorite people (you always have been – at least when I wasn’t jealous of your unnatural musical ability!!!).  Much love to you – always and forever!