"The Giving Tree" Poem

With Thanksgiving just passing I wanted so share one of my favorite poems. 

Once there was a tree....
and she loved a little boy.
And everyday the boy would come
and he would gather her leaves
and make them into crowns
and play king of the forest.
He would climb up her trunk
and swing from her branches
and eat apples.
And they would play hide-and-go-seek.
And when he was tired,
he would sleep in her shade.
And the boy loved the tree....
very much.
And the tree was happy.
But time went by.
And the boy grew older.
And the tree was often alone.
Then one day the boy came to the tree
and the tree said, "Come, Boy, come and
climb up my trunk and swing from my
branches and eat apples and play in my
shade and be happy."
"I am too big to climb and play" said
the boy.
"I want to buy things and have fun.
I want some money?"
"I'm sorry," said the tree, "but I
have no money.
I have only leaves and apples.
Take my apples, Boy, and sell them in
the city. Then you will have money and
you will be happy."
And so the boy climbed up the
tree and gathered her apples
and carried them away.
And the tree was happy.
But the boy stayed away for a long time....
and the tree was sad.
And then one day the boy came back
and the tree shook with joy
and she said, "Come, Boy, climb up my trunk
and swing from my branches and be happy."
"I am too busy to climb trees," said the boy.
"I want a house to keep me warm," he said.
"I want a wife and I want children,
and so I need a house.
Can you give me a house ?"
" I have no house," said the tree.
"The forest is my house,
but you may cut off
my branches and build a
house. Then you will be happy."

And so the boy cut off her branches
and carried them away
to build his house.
And the tree was happy.
But the boy stayed away for a long time.
And when he came back,
the tree was so happy
she could hardly speak.
"Come, Boy," she whispered,
"come and play."
"I am too old and sad to play,"
said the boy.
"I want a boat that will
take me far away from here.
Can you give me a boat?"
"Cut down my trunk
and make a boat," said the tree.
"Then you can sail away...
and be happy."
And so the boy cut down her trunk
and made a boat and sailed away.
And the tree was happy
... but not really.

And after a long time
the boy came back again.
"I am sorry, Boy,"
said the tree," but I have nothing
left to give you -
My apples are gone."
"My teeth are too weak
for apples," said the boy.
"My branches are gone,"
said the tree. " You
cannot swing on them - "
"I am too old to swing
on branches," said the boy.
"My trunk is gone, " said the tree.
"You cannot climb - "
"I am too tired to climb" said the boy.
"I am sorry," sighed the tree.
"I wish that I could give you something....
but I have nothing left.
I am just an old stump.
I am sorry...."
"I don't need very much now," said the boy.
"just a quiet place to sit and rest.
I am very tired."
"Well," said the tree, straightening
herself up as much as she could,
"well, an old stump is good for sitting and resting
Come, Boy, sit down. Sit down and rest."
And the boy did.
And the tree was happy.

Let us all keep gratitude in our hearts as we approach this wonderful Christmas season. 

Jaimee

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving, folks! I'm stuffed with turkey, potatoes, and pie, so I'm taking the day off. I'll be back next week with more rants, ramblings, and revelations.

Be thankful to be yourself and be thankful for all the progress we've made this year in the struggle for equality.

-Walter Beck

Wants and Desires really do come true

 

I have to say, I've been shocked by the findings of what's happened this week.

I keep a list, a specific list...that allows me the ways of channeling and reminding myself of what I truly want. I update it constantly, and write it both in my blog along with a printed out copy I leave on my doorstep. This ensures two things: 1) That I'm constantly reevaluating what it is I want every day, and (2) I see it everyday I wake up and just before I go to bed. If you want, you can view it at this link here.

This is what I do. This is who I am. And this is why I keep at it. But I wasn't sure if I was actually ready for it.

You see, I recently discovered this list just a few weeks ago as I was preparing on writing my blog today. As I reviewed it, I checked and found that there were some parts of me that were missing, some parts that I didn't have resolved. Some parts of me that I still wanted to ensure were going forward and not going through.

Then I found this. I had made this December 2012, hoping that I may get this far in my life within maybe 5 years. The fact of the matter is, though, that I actually had started and even completed most of these within that same year! I was shocked.

 I created my own graphic design business. I wanted to be a motivational speaker to those who wanted to know about my HIV and such. I wanted to also have a great job and close relationship with my family. And I had been studying more in relation to my language, doing work, and going back to school, which I am in the process of doing next year.

What it comes down to is that the importance of self-reliance, trust, and pushing yourself to do more in your life is really what makes you an important person and a great member of society! And it all comes in how you view yourself .That's really what matters. What you truly desire and want in your life can become yours.

And the way to get there is by doing things like this. I just don't see how things can be done any other way because of that knowledge. I work toward everything I truly want in life...because that's the basis of agency.

I will expound on this as I go to my next blog, how the LDS church has helped me as a gay male. I hope this inspires those who read it :)

Clutter

I had a lovely Thanksgiving Break, but I woke up this morning and lay (lied?) in bed for an hour thinking about all the things that were stressing me out. All the clutter in my head. I picture crinkled balls of paper, tangled red yarn, strips of caution tape drowning out crowds of good thoughts. Bad thoughts include and are not limited to the following:

-Going back to school tomorrow, writing three term papers, planning a lesson for my baby freshmen tomorrow
-My brother coming home from his mission in January and trying to friend me on facebook; me eventually having to explain why I've blocked and then defriended my entire family
-This time last year, when I had to write several term papers, I was more suicidal than I've been in the whole last year, and it was basically hell, and I'm starting to get worried about that happening again
-I have to go to therapy on Tuesday (well, I mean, I don't have to go....I'm the one who made the appointment), and therapy is helpful but also stressful and what are we going to talk about and how much am I going to cry
-Thanksgiving is over and wasn't too terrible with my family, but now I have Christmas to worry about, and for Christmas Break I actually have to stay at my house, instead of this break where I only had to be there for three hours on Thanksgiving

And so on and so forth. It was not very restful. 

In contrast, Thanksgiving Break was lovely. I watched three Harry Potter movies and a ridiculously adorable adaptation of Snow White, tried to catch up on Once Upon a Time (I am now officially on episode 8...of season one), and spent one whole remarkable day just reading my favorite Harry Potter book (which is the fourth, which is THE BEST ONE OKAY except for the seventh and okay possibly the third). I graded student papers and read one essay for class. It was the best five days of the entire semester.

School is hard. Grad school is harder, and grad school at BYU is the hardest. I'm just throwing that out there. I guess the light at the end of the tunnel is that there are only two more weeks of actual school. Two weeks of writing papers, staying up late, frantically cramming, planning a final for my poor hapless students. I'm hoping I can keep the suicidality down this time around, but I'm not sure how. I guess that's what I can talk about at therapy tomorrow. In the meantime, I think I'll keep focusing on my good old Harry Potter books, watch the sporadic tv show, and maybe kick of my Sailor Moon rewatch:

Sailor Moon is the best, and don't try to deny it. 

Otherwise, there are still helpful quotes to read when I start having existential crises about faith and God and religion and the future, including this one:

“…through all our lives we are faced with the task of reconciling opposites, which, in logical thought, cannot be reconciled… do it by bringing into the situation a force that belongs to a higher level where opposites are transcended – the power of love… Divergent problems, as it were, forces us to strain ourselves to a level above ourselves; they demand, and thus provoke the supply of forces from a higher level, thus bringing love, beauty, goodness and truth into our lives. It is only with the help of these higher forces that the opposites can be reconciled in the living situation.”
~ E. F. Schumacher

And maybe by rewatching Beasts of the Souther Wild, which was the best thing to come out this last year. Here's the gorgeous clip I'm showing my little BYU students tomorrow

And, as always, here's the poem of the week. Not a happy poem, but a beautiful one, and I find solace in the strength of words. I hope it helps in the coming weeks.

There was a point in our lives

where if I slit my throat, it was you who would bleed.
You say goodbye too often in autumn.
Tonight the last leaf fell off the tree beyond my bedroom window,

and I could hear the sound of branches aching for love to wrap

around their leaves like limbs.
It was three a.m. in the last stretch of May.

Springtime calls for heartbeat symphonies

and when we pressed our bodies together they coincided like

chords, like staccatos when I ran my hand down

your spine.
Fog is one of the top reasons that drivers get killed each year.
In the backseat of my car we almost caused

the hundredth casualty,

but all I got were bruises in the shape of apologies

along my thighs.
There are certain people who leave scars when they go.
Tonight I cut my thumb while I was peeling an apple.

I thought of you.”A Rendition of Autumn, Shinji Moon 

Thanksgiving

Really I should be writing about all the things I’m thankful for but where is the creativity in that? I had figured that I would be writing this post in Oregon.

Maybe in a loft apartment in Portland, listening to the cars and people outside. Maybe I would sit outside of the Starbucks in Pioneer Square and watch the workers decorate the Christmas tree to light up tonight. Maybe I would have been in an apartment in Beaverton, watching some old pals get drunk just to survive the holidays. Maybe I would have been in an old house next to a wood stove, curled up in a blanket with cocoa, listening to the rain pound on the roof. Maybe I would be on the old school swing set, maybe walking around the lake, maybe eating egg drop soup at the old Chinese restaurant. Maybe as I sat in the crumbling swing under my grandmother’s forgotten grape vines. Maybe if I walked through the tall grass of another abandoned house that I once called home.

Maybe if I was a thousand miles I would know what to say, what to think, how to act.

I’ve thought for so long that everything would be okay if I was just home. But this week I made the decision to stay in Utah instead of going to Oregon. I had the opportunity and it was all planned out but I bailed the last minute. I knew going home would be a bad idea.

So I stayed and now this will turn into a thankful post. All the things that I’m thankful for that wouldn’t have happened had I gone home.

I wouldn’t have had some much needed time to myself.

I wouldn’t have finished that project for my religion class.

I wouldn’t have started watching Grey’s Anatomy.

I wouldn’t have been here when an old friend decided to call out of the blue and invite me to spend time with her. I wouldn’t have been able to see her laugh, something I’ve missed lately.

I wouldn’t have been gone to Gilgal garden and City Creek for the first time.

I wouldn’t have met R’s family.

I wouldn’t have acquired two coconut cream pies in 24 hours. I don’t even like coconut. But I ended up with two and successfully pawned them off.

I wouldn’t have found out that an old acquaintance was gay (and padded my gaydar reliability).

I wouldn’t have hung out with some peeps from USGA and ate taste bud changing lime pie.

I wouldn’t have had the revelation that I completely mind-fucked a friend from high school and left him scarred until I ridiculously apologized for it last night.

At some point when I was lonely last weekend I was complaining about not going home. I mentioned that the decision was right but the consequences sucked. Looking back, the consequences weren’t too terrible.

Song of The Week

And just as I was all content with being away from my family and change and all that jazz I remembered my grandmother and how I had successfully forgotten her the entire day. Thanksgiving was always her day. So now I’m crying because of the injustice of a broken family and all that. I need to get back to the mindset where I was happy to be here… Anyways every Thanksgiving we would listen to this song. It didn’t matter where we were or if we were traveling I have heard this song every year on this day for most of my life. So instead of coconut cream pie, here is a slice of my childhood.