A group of LGBTS bloggers share their ideas, opinions, and stories to help increase understanding about Lesbian/Gay/Bisexual/Transgender/Straight people and issues.
There are two women who stole the heart of my childhood
self: Leann Rimes and Shania Twain. And while the 4 year old me self-identified
with Rimes’ "Blue" (or at least her ability to hold the note), it was evident to
everyone that I connected most with Twain. Indeed, her cassette tape (90s child
and proud of it) Come on Over was on
constant repeat in my mom’s car. “Honey I’m Home” became the first song I recall
enjoying in its entirety. It is no wonder that my love for all things Shania
has lasted through the years. But it was only this morning that I truly
understood how long Shania and I have lasted.
I will not pretend like it is easy for me when my exes move
on and meet someone else. Thanks to Facebook and being an active social creature,
I have been around long enough to witness every ex boyfriend, date, crush, and
hookup move on to someone else. And the majority of these exes share one thing
in common: they move on to something bigger and better, or at least more
serious and long lasting. The trend has not been broken with a recent ex, who mentioned
to me the idea of us turning serious a mere month ago. But to log on to
Facebook last night and see his status as in a relationship with some other guy
was upsetting, to say the least. Cue feelings of inferiority and emo-ness, and
preparations for a life as an old cat lady.
When I awoke this morning, I felt no different, until I
decided it would be best to blast some Shania on the way to school. Indeed, Ms.
Twain (and more importantly the shuffle feature on my iPhone) blessed me with
“Today is Your Day,” her most recent (and not well known) track from 2011. What
burst through my earbuds was this:
“You just gotta make up your mind//That today is your day”
In that moment, I realized it was up to me to turn my mood
around. I could allow other people and events that do not involve me to bring
me down, or I could choose to make the most of the day I had been given. Soon
after that decision, I realized something even bigger: just because two people
are labeling themselves on Facebook as in a relationship, does not mean that it
fits my schema of what I want in a relationship. It does not indicate that
their bond will be as fulfilling, gratifying, or solidified as the one I aspire
to have. Therefore, when I get envious of others, I cannot say I’m envious of
their relationship, nor can I let it affect me and deem me fundamentally unable
to ever fulfill the role of a boyfriend for someone, somewhere.
Today I’m going to let you guys
into my writing brain. Usually throughout the week I keep notes of what I want
to talk about and then something happens on Thursday night and I throw away all
the thoughts. So while I would like to keep to the original script I had
planned for this post, I also need to recognize some things that happened this
evening.
I came up with this idea where
all the great ideas are born: the shower. I was blasting my music per usual and
the song Girl On Fire came on. Now for those of you who haven’t listened to
Girl On Fire… scroll down. If you need a refresher it’s simple: she’s
passionate yet alone. As I was belting out the chorus and pretending to be a
rockstar I thought Yea! this is so me! Then a tiny dull roar yelled That WAS
you. Was? WAS? As in, not anymore? I’m passionate. I’m hot.
But the voice was right. I’d lost
my ME-ness. Now before I continue on you should realize something about me. I’ve
realized that I’ve lost my ME-ness a lot. This is not an uncommon experience. I
also realize that I’m better off alone a lot. However this time I didn’t really
want to realize that I’m better off alone. I know that I am. And I should be
grateful. Because I could be in a crappy relationship or married like some of
the goons around here but I’m single (and have always been) and almost 21 and
if we’re being completely honest, that’s not, nor was it ever, my choice. Now
you’re probably wondering why I’ve tangented into being alone. It’s because
originally this post was going to be about myself and being alone and being
awesome and being happy about it. But if I was happy about it I wouldn’t
continually try to change that status and then it would be lying so let’s just
focus on the good: ME… I’ve lost my ME-ness and have realized that I must go
out rediscover it.
This was my original post:
I just feel like I've lost myself. I used to be crazy and
passionate and now my free time is spent bonding with my bed.
I miss the girl who laid, danced, jumped down the middle of the road.
The girl who skipped class to go nude sunbathing at the lake.
The girl who would go to the club by herself to dance with eyes closed
and just completely lose herself.
The girl who drove home with the windows down in the rain.
The girl who rode the train into Portland just to forget about her small
town life.
The girl who would walk on the wall above the mill pond.
The girl who drove fast and sang loud and for God sakes gave zero FUCKS!
What the hell happened to me? Yea I get that college can tire you out
but these are my glory years and I'm spending them being sniveling and
pathetic. I want to dream big. I want to desire to see the world and to
just leave this place and to love and to explore. God I just want my curiosity
back. I want my excitement back! Even as I write this post I feel an insatiable
madness to be wildly passionate and crazy about something. I'm tired of
mediocrity; I'm tired of routine.
I want to scream
I want to cry
I want to get angry
I want to dance in the rain
I want to kiss in the rain
Maybe I just want this snow to end so that it can
rain!
I want to sing in front of people, LOUDLY!!
I want walk down campus and not take my headphones
off once.
I want listen to the doors on campus unlock at
five in the morning.
I want to not constantly worry about my next
assignment or what I'm going to do after graduation.
I still want most of those things… I just don’t want to be so selfish
about it...
This evening was the grand opening of my place of employment. My
favorite band was coming and two of my favorite guys were there as well. I got
off my shift early and just in time for the third (and best) act to start. Now
one of these boys (ya’ll know him as Lee) is kind of affectionate with me.
Which is nice; he’s my GBF. But for the most part I make people believe that I
hate to be touched. I shove them out of my bubbles, scoot away from them on the
bus, generally make my hugs the most awkward things possible so I don’t have to
hug them again. Why? Because I really Really REALLY love to be touched. No that
wasn’t a typo. I love to be touched. I love to feel someone next to me. I love
it when people are affectionate with me; when they play with my hair or scratch my back or lean on my shoulder. But I’m not really used to it because
it just wasn’t something we did in my family. Now I’m trying to figure out how
to let people close to me without having a nervous breakdown; constantly
wondering if I’m actually allowed to be near them. And that’s what I love about
Lee and R. I can just cuddle with them and it’s great. Yay for gay men and straight
women.
In summation: what I’ve concluded this week is that yes I want to get
back to a more passionate me but no I don’t want to do that by myself. And also
I’m on a lot of drugs right now, like 6 doses of DayQuil, so if none of this
made sense, pay no attention to it.
Much love and peace,
Dupree
Girl On Fire
Hotter than a fantasy, lonely like a highway
Filled with catastrophe, but she knows she can fly
away
We all have those friends. Or maybe you are that friend. You know exactly who I'm talking about. It's the friend that longs for love, a relationship, something meaningful to fill the void in their life. Every cup of coffee or meal with this person, the conversation eventually turns into "I'm so single. I wanna be in love soooooooo much. It won't happen for me though. I'm [insert degrading adjective here]."
In many instances, I have been that friend. Waiting, wishing for the right opportunity to come along. Looking at my surroundings and wondering what's wrong with me and what I need to fix. For some people, maybe there are issues that can be overcame now as a single person, and when an opportunity comes along, you'll be that much more ready for it. For some, these notions of something wrong with us are fallacies we use to degrade ourselves and convince ourselves we're anything but worth it.
Maybe my longest romantic relationship in my 20 years on this planet was 3 months. Maybe I do have a lot to learn about myself, not to mention romance and what it means to connect with another person on that level. But I do know this: I've seen heterosexual couples, I've seen same-sex couples. I've seen super skinny & super fit people be single, and I've seen fuller figured people in relationships. I've seen young love, I've seen old love. I've seen people consciously "play the game" and succeed, I've seen people who didn't even try and found the love of their life. None of it matters. There comes a point where I just accept that despite the hours of theorizing and postulating about how love chooses whom to infect, there's no telling. And until we have it in our lives, there's nothing we can do but keep pushing onward, putting our best faces forward, and bettering ourselves so that we may be happier, for ourselves first and then for whoever happens to stumble into our lives .
You’re single because you’re single. It’s not because you texted too much or too little or waited 33 minutes to respond because he took 23. It’s not because you met up with your ex that night at 5 a.m. that no one knows about, or because you kissed another boy after a date with a loser.
You’re not single because you spit food on that date or tripped coming out the the movie theatre. You’re not single because you hurt your first boyfriend really badly when you were 15 or because you have yet, to this day, to apologize. It’s not because you were secretly jealous when your friend got a boyfriend or that a guy you dated for two months now has a really cute girlfriend and looks really happy. And you’re happy for him. But still ill that he found someone before you.
You’re not single because you slept with your ex boyfriend. You’re not single because half the world found out when you didn’t even want to remember it yourself. You’re not single because you think the guy your friend wants to hook you up with is ugly or not tall enough. It’s not because you’re not willing to put up with someone who doesn’t brush their teeth on a regular basis.
You’re not single because your standards are too high. Good for you for having standards. It’s not because you didn’t like that really, really good guy who wanted to take you on a date and you just weren’t feeling it. And it’s not because you like to wear pajama pants as soon as you get home and wash all the makeup off your face. You’re not single because you didn’t learn enough from the past or would rather chill on a Friday night with your blanket and a cold beer than shower, get ready, and go out. You’re not single because something is wrong with you.
You are single because you are single. It’s really as simple as that. You haven’t made the connection with another heart yet. You can get dolled up, dress cute, cut your hair, dye your hair, tweeze your eyebrows, put on lipstick and you may still. be. single. You can go out to a bar hoping to meet the love of your life and not find a damn one in the place attractive. And it’s going to remain that way until it’s time for you to find one. Stop hoping for it. Start living the life that you do have instead of wishing for things that you don’t have. There will come a time you’ll meet a boy and you’ll have to give up some of this single freedom you currently have. Start being more thankful. Start doing that now.
“I-iiiiiiiiiiiiii don’t want aaaa lot forrrr Christmas”
I groaned, ignoring the “what’s your problem?” looks from the
people in that coffee shop. Admittedly, even I had to check myself. I mean, it
was only November. And it was the first instance of the holiday season where I was
hearing Mariah Carey’s popular “All I Want For Christmas is You” (though now my
count has reached the 30s, all thanks to radio and department stores).
And that’s when I knew I wasn’t feeling Christmas this year.
Jingle all the way? More like whining all the way as I went
about my December activities. Not even shopping or donating to a homeless
shelter could lift me out of this funk. It got so bad that I even began to
sympathize with those melodramatic tales from people not having that “special
someone” to go do December-y things with: gift shopping, hot cider drinking,
snow frollocking, and ice skating. Typically, I respond to such lamentations
with a big LOL and a “that’s ridiculous.” But this December, as I put on my
happy face and thinking cap to buy presents, it took all I had to bite my tongue
and withhold cynical points of criticism at the slowpoke couples standing in my
way of that last scarf.
And as I went about December, I couldn’t help but wonder if
other people were experiencing the same thing. Are there others who don’t like
the holidays? Do the typical December activities turn off some? Is loneliness a
widespread feeling during December? How do people get into the spirit of the
holiday season?
Now, with it being Christmas Eve, I feel resolution as I sigh
relief go and realize I have made it through the holiday season. Now comes the
easy part: nom nom-ing on delicious food my parents make and unwrapping the
clothes I helped cast as my presents in the production of Christmas Day.
But as soon as Mariah starts singing next November, will I
be in the holiday spirit?
