Little Children Burn

Matt here.

Sometimes I think we, gay people, are like little little children. We get our fingers pinched or go in for our shots and scream like we've been set on fire.

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From time to time I hear an argument, usually in the comments sections of articles but occasionally from dear dear friends, that God would not let people be born gay and then expect them to live celibate lives. I understand the appeal of the argument, of course; if God wouldn't command us to be celibate, then we're good to go on the sex thing. Hallelujah!

The problem is that this argument isn't actually an argument—it's just a denial. It's sticking your head in the sand, thinking that if you can't see the consequences, they can't bite you in the butt.

In fact, it's worse than a flat denial. If you say "Gay sex is a sin" and I say "No it isn't," we can argue all day about who has the authority to declare what's sinful and what's not. But if you say "Gay sex is a sin" and I say "God wouldn't let me be born gay if gay sex were a sin," the argument now becomes about what God would not allow, and that list appears to be remarkably short.

Assuming God exists, he either causes or allows an amazing range of horrific events. I flatter myself I needn't list them, though I'm thinking of one particular thing. I was in Hiroshima last week, at the Atomic Bomb Museum, where I was perfectly fine until I saw a mannequin wearing a torn, burned boy's junior high school uniform and I involuntarily pictured my favorite student's face. I was not fine after that.

God lets little children burn to death. Every awful thing that has ever happened, God let it happen. How presumptuous, to say that because God allows a thing it's not a tragedy, and the consequences can't hurt. How ridiculous, for grown men and women to caterwaul that the pain the church asks them to suffer is more than God would ask.

Bitch, please.

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Tonight is my last night in Japan. By the time you read this, I should be back in good ole California.

Oh yes. 2012

It's the end of the year.

When I'm not organizing my schedule around work, I turn nocturnal. It's always a pain when vacation ends, and I'm trying to head it off early this time. I didn't sleep yesterday in the hope that I'll be able to fall asleep early this evening. That is the state of the brain composing this post. Could be worse.

I've been watching The Pacific this week. War. Sixty-five years ago my ancestors were killing my neighbors' ancestors and vice-versa. There was a scene with a little baby that reminded me of the kindergartners I was Santa for and also the niece I used to babysit. They're so small.

Between episodes I worked on my Navy application. The December selection board had a fifty-one percent pickup rate for my area; the March board, my board, may be a little higher or lower. I still want to go.

***

January

I saw kabuki in Tokyo. It was gorgeous and I understood not one word. We looked at Tokyo from the top of a skyscraper before the show.

February

I spent a nightmare week at home with the flu. If that wasn't the worst week of my life to date, it's right up there. And then girls gave me chocolate.

March

I finished my first full year as a teacher and gave chocolate to girls.

April

Cherry blossom festival down by the river (if I'm lucky I'll be able to see the blossoms one last time this year before I fly home) and . . . True Blood? Something TV bingey. I got my tax and health insurance bills, and I was poor.

May

I went to China. I was swindled out of a moderate amount of money that seemed like a very large amount of money first because it was in Yuan and second because I was still poor from April. I danced with an old friend in a nightclub at two in the morning and walked in empty wide Nanjing streets at three. Later I jumped ticket taking machines with a giant bag full of shoes (not mine) to catch the last train of the night.

June

Nothing happened in June.

July

My parents came to visit for the second time, and I went to the onsen with my dad. My mom went with a teacher friend of mine. We ate soba and tempura. I stopped going to kendo.

August

I climbed Mt. Fuji. I watched handfuls of sunrises, including one at the nature preserve and orchard down the street where I can see clear to the mountains and everything is gold at five a.m.

September

Teaching was fierce that month. So many full schedules.

October

I think . . . there was drinking? Or something? With people? And I distinctly remember this as the last month that I had a clean house.

November

I scored well on the Navy officer test. Kyle came to visit, and we went to Kyoto. After he left I crashed from exhaustion, but it was worth it.

December

I turned twenty-four. There were Thanksgiving and Christmas parties. Santa. The one year anniversary of me giving up porn, and also of my older brother telling me I'm not welcome in his life. On Christmas day I went to the dentist and got good news.

***

This year was satisfying. This next year will be too maybe.

This next week's post will also be satisfying, at least for me. I think it goes back to what I was saying in the muzzle post. When you have something to say, speaking is oh-so-satisfying.

I'll be speaking about / responding to Clive's post, and possibly other posts in that series in the coming weeks. I think he's got an important point in mind, but he's going about it wrong. Like . . . trying to bite open a suitcase, or something.

***

To finish: "She was right in regarding all arguments as nonsense in comparison with that smile." (War and Peace)

Dupreelings

Father

So I have a father. Sometimes I forget that I have a father. I mean he’s never around. He never was around. And the last thing he said to me was that he wanted to be a part of my life and that he loved me. This was right after he found out that I was suicidal and then he started to read the blog posts. He hasn’t said anything to me since. I let him know I would be in Oregon and that I could see him. Nothing. It’s been months.

So I call my mom today and guess what he’s doing; he is getting married. This man has been married three times already! He already has four children that he doesn’t give a fuck about so why is going and grabbing more people to love. He’ll just leave them!

Anyway that was a rant… sorry guys. He sucks.

But the point is he can ‘love’ people and then leave them the next day. He doesn’t get attached people. Even his children and wives.

That is the worst thing he has passed on to me. Like I was told once, I’m a duck. I let all the bad stuff just roll right off like me like water but I can’t hold on to the good stuff. I can’t hold on to love. I just let it go.

Mother

So I have a mother. I adore my mother. I wish she would realize that more. I don’t know what I would do without her. But she wasn’t always there. I’ve lived with her a handful of years and we weren’t close at all until I came to college.

But my mother had me when I was twenty. And her mother had her when she was twenty. And her mother had her when she twenty. You get the point. Can anyone guess my age? Yep I am twenty.

So I should be having little Dupreelings right? Wrong.

I don’t want children right now. I don’t know if I want children ever. Sometimes I see an adorable baby and I’m like I WANT!!! And then some baby screams and I’m like Uhhh no.

But I think the main reason I don’t want children is because I don’t want to be like my parents. I love my mother and not having a father doesn’t bother me. But I wouldn’t want to bring a child into the world if I wasn’t a hundred percent sure that I would always stay with them. If my parents could so easily leave me then what is to say that I wouldn’t leave me child? And I was planned. My parents wanted and tried for me. Just to leave.

So this is how it is. I want children but I’m also scared of them. Scared that I would screw them up. Scared that I would leave them. Scared that I wouldn’t love them enough. Just scared.

Wonderful- Everclear

"Promises mean everything

 When you're little and the world's so big

 I just don't understand how 
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
And tell me everything is wonderful now"

With Arms Wide Open- Creed


"If I had just one wish

Only one demand
I hope he's not like me
I hope he understands
That he can take this life
And hold it by the hand
And he can greet the world
With arms wide open..."

Impossible Expectations Make Life Incredibly Difficult

My dad and I have never been particularly close.  It’s not his fault, really. Growing up he always worked at least two jobs and, when he wasn’t working, the church pulled him in 15 other directions.  Whether he was in the bishopric, the elder’s quorum presidency, or the high priest group leadership, he was always giving service to somebody else.  It was what he was told he needed to do to be a good father and husband, and he performed his roles in the eyes of the church marvelously.

I resented it, I resented the church, and I resented him.

In fact, for decades I told myself that I was going to be a better father to my children than he was to me. 

As I grew older, however, I started to become keenly aware of the fact that I probably wouldn’t have children and this weekend, as we celebrated Father’s Day, I was reminded of the impossible expectations surrounding fatherhood my family has placed on me.

It’s funny, earlier this week I received a fortune cookie that read, “Impossible expectations make life incredibly difficult.”

I think it’s a rather stupid fortune but I find it to be quite apropos.

In my parents’ world I have only impossible expectations and that is truly making my life incredibly difficult.

My mother is still the only one who knows I’m gay in my family and her expectation is that I will stay alone, celibate, and in the closet for the rest of my days.

As a result of my continued sojourn in the closet, my dad and sisters have started to share their expectations for a traditional mormon marriage and numerous children with evermore frequency; after all, I am 27 and Brigham Young explicitly stated that single men of my age are "dangers to society."

At this point in my life I see both of these options as unattainable.

It’s not that I don’t want a family and children. In fact, it’s something that I want more than anything and, truthfully, my greatest fear in this life is that I will be alone and that I will die alone.

Father’s Day is about celebrating the roles fathers of all kinds play in our lives.  For me, as I look back, I am grateful for all the things my dad did for me regardless of his work schedule and zealous participation in the church.  He provided for me and my family, he did the best he could to be a moral figure for me to follow and look up to, and he taught me in large part to be the person I am today.

So, as I look forward to my life, I would like to provide a few other options that I find tenable. One is that I find someone I love and I spend the rest of my life being the best husband/partner I can be and, with him, raise our children together.

Or, the second idea is that I find a way to be a parent on my own and I raise a child or two as a single father – independent of any relationship status.

Either way, I commit today to myself and to you that I will not die alone and that I will not let others limit my ability to be a parent or define whatever future relationship I may or may not have as inferior, and that I will one day celebrate Father’s Day as a father.

Here’s to you, to  me, and to fathers everywhere.

PS - JC Penny is quickly becoming one of my favorite companies.  The above ad featured a normal, everyday gay couple celebrating their family as part of the chain's Father's day promotions in the midst of an ongoing crusade of hateful bigots who demanded the company fire their openly-gay spokeswoman, Ellen Degeneres, and apologize after showcasing a lesbian couple as part of their Mother's day ads. So far Ellen is still going strong and the company refuses to back down from their LGBTQ friendly stance. I applaud JC Penney and their willingness to support, strengthen, and stand behind families of all kinds.

Family

Everyone has a family of some kind. Some people were raised by a single mom or a single dad. Some grew up with step parents or half siblings. Some were even raised by grandparents or adopted parents. There are all kinds of combinations when it comes to families, and there is no single type of family that is better than any others.

"Zach Wahls, a 19-year-old University of Iowa student spoke about the strength of his family during a public forum on House Joint Resolution 6 in the Iowa House of Representatives. Wahls has two mothers, and came to oppose House Joint Resolution 6 which would end civil unions in Iowa."