A Known Thing

Matt here.

I don't know where I'll be living a month from now. I don't know when I'll get a new job to replace the one I'm leaving on Monday. I don't know if I'll get a chance to date the man I'm interested in. I don't know if I want to start being a little active in the LDS church or have my name taken from the records.

The first two have been impending for a while, but seeing them coming hasn't, unfortunately, helped me figure them out. The third I didn't really hope for until a few circumstances changed and he started calling me by a certain nickname. The fourth I thought I had figured out, but then I got Rick's letter.

The letter itself didn't mention the church and the couple of letters that followed (before he went silent again) were mostly about books, but they made me think about churchy things. After reading it, I looked back over the whole of my correspondence with Rick, and I found a version of me I'd forgotten about. In one of my letters I said that "I can honestly say I believe in the church now." This was while I was in Argentina, the semester after Prop 8. I'd forgotten I ever felt that way. I'd forgotten what I was actually feeling and thinking back then.

(I'd also forgotten a letter I wrote to him about conflating the holy spirit with conditioned mental responses—felt a flush of pride at that one. My argument still feels solid, which isn't something I can say for all of my old writings.)

Remembering the old me was important. After relying on memory to keep my history for a few years, it got distorted. I forgot what I knew, or what I thought I knew, and even that I thought I knew it. I forgot the texture and nuance of my internal debate. I remembered that I never really solved the old dilemma of what I believe about Mormonism; I just shelved it. That was a good thing—even the right thing—for me to do, then, but it's been four years since I graduated and shelved. (Already? Jeez.) Now that I'm coming back to the states (where I can communicate, drive cars, and do other grounding things) and now that I've had years of experience away from the church, I think I'm ready to de-shelf the church.

But here's one thing I'm certain about: The church isn't all it projects itself as. Its vision of eternity, particularly of eternal progression, resonates with me, but after Prop 8, where they supported bald lies and fear-based arguments, it's impossible for me to believe that the church always fights for the side of truth and God. Whatever I come to think about the church in the coming months and years, it's going to have to come around that known thing.

And whatever I come to think about the church, I will not be muzzled, and I will not be silent.

Autonomy Interferring WIth Me Getting Help, Again

Ever had such strong emotions about something that you can't keep them bottled up? But you can't tell anyone you know? Not that you don't want to tell anyone. You want to tell someone, but you can't bring yourself to? This is the case with me.

First, I realize this is finals week and stress is at a max. But, I know myself. I don't stress enough on my finals. I try to put pressure on myself but pretty much the only difference between me pre-finals week and finals week is zero video games and this insane desire to clean everything.

Anyways, what I want to tell people but I can't.

This blog is about breaking the silence. And I wish that I had some cool, clever username and could be completely anonymous. Instead, Dupree knows me and reads my stuff. Tif, MJ, Jo have met me in person and can put a face to me. Two friends (both names starting with E) read this blog and talk about my posts with me and each other. Jay, my ex-boyfriend of three months, reads this blog. Hell, if my mother had the mind to, she could read this blog (but doesn't normally, mainly because I think she has a hard time remembering).

Admitting my feelings, my thoughts, can be quite difficult. It is almost like I only reveal my feelings selectively rather than with complete honesty. Everything I say is completely true but not everything I want to say gets said. So, realize that admitting to anything can be difficult because I'm not completely anonymous.

So, I'm taking a bit of leap when I say this. I'm starting to have doubts about my half-asian. Not because I don't think he's wonderful. Not because of any mistakes he, or I, have made. But because I'm stressed, not able to sleep and just getting insecure about my life and future.

I'm graduating in December 2013. That is a year away. And when I graduate in 2013, I want to get away from this forsaken land. What was the one futurama quote about Utah? "Well, in those days, Mars was just a dreary wasteland... much like Utah. But unlike Utah, it was eventually made livable... in 2636." I want out of this place, and I can't drag Half-Asian around with me. He's stuck here with his mother.

And this moving thing is really grating on me. But...
- He has acknowledged this problem well before I did. And hence why he didn't want to get too close because I could be leaving soon.
- He brings this problem up often, noting that he wants me to make my own decision, uninfluenced by him.
- He assures me things don't work out no matter what the present might say, calling on his experiences with his ex boyfriend that he had for over a year. He assures me that just because things might not work out doesn't mean one of us did something wrong.

Basically, he is giving me plenty of opportunities to call quits because of my schooling, letting me know that it wouldn't be my fault. So, no pressure at all is being put on me by him. All the pressure is purely mine.

Unfortunately, I think the reason why this is so... difficult... is because I like him. Way too much. I love his facial expressions and how he thinks he's so good at lying and covering things up. I love the way we can make fun of each other, no harm done. I love how cuddle time often devolves into competitions of insults and humor and stories of our pasts. The way he uses metaphors to understand the world around him. How he sees the world as simplistic in places I see it complicated. His ways of trying to prove to me that he is my equal, almost like he doesn't believe that I do see him as more than an equal. Just, I love SOOO much about him.

But there is so much more to life. I want him. I want to leave Utah. Around Half-Asian, I would choose him any day. Not around Half-Asian, I've recently been flip-flopping. And I'm conflicted.

Maybe this is a phase. But I want advice from people. I want to tell people this so I can get outsiders opinions. But I can't bring myself to tell people my problems, probably due to my pride in remaining autonomous. So, let me hope this post will help me tell people so I can discuss this more. If my confliction is a phase, I want out of it. If it isn't... I REALLY want advice, opinions. And either way, Breaking the Silence is the best way for me to deal with my confliction.

So, here is the post.

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50 Followers!!! and LGBTS Flash Fiction

Hello Everyone! We now have Fifty Followers. 50!!
We also have 38,421 page views. That's a lot.

I just thought this might be a nice time to celebrate.

I've also had someone submit a few flash fiction pieces to me and it got me thinking about how cool it would be to have a few LGBTS fiction pieces on here.

So, if you like to write fiction and you like to do it in a flash--send in your pieces. Flash fiction is supposed to be short. Concise. Clean. The word-count limit is 75-100 words. Leave out the "to be" verbs, the adverbs, and the excessive adjectives. Get your creative mind cranking!

Send your submissions to tiffanydemings@gmail.com

~live your own truth~

girl comes out to her whole school