True Equality Won't Come with Marriage

A peaceful spring break quickly turned into a hectic one. Surprisingly, the continuous plans I made to keep me busy weren’t the most hectic part of it all. Dinner and Jersey Boys, a Giants game, and catching up with friends were the least of my chaos. The most frenzy came from Facebook and this symbol:

and my having to explain my position.

This post is not about arguing for or against the issue of same-sex marriage. That’s not the point. I myself am weary about marriage as an institution, specifically because of the inequalities it perpetuates and small population marriage is even applicable to. I invite anyone to click here, here, and here, for more reading on this topic, as more educated people have been better able to articulate their thoughts on the matter.

And yes, I do realize that this issue reaching the Supreme Court is historical and could produce significant legislation, so that’s not what this post is about. 

What this post is about, however, is how the issue of same-sex marriage is being deployed as a solution to injustice towards the LGBTQ community, the solution to everyone’s problems. And as I struggled to formulate my opinion on the matter, Jack Halberstam, Director of The Center for Feminist Research at University of Southern California and queer theorist, came as my saving grace with the following quote:

"Get married by all means--gays, straights, whatevers--but don't confuse recognition with liberation or the cementing of social norms with social justice."

Amen.

If anyone needs any proof that other and more crippling problems persist, then I wish I could show you my Facebook News Feed, filled with posts from conservative LDS Facebook friends that directly and indirectly denounce not only same-sex marriage, but most importantly homosexuality and being attracted to members of the same-sex. Attraction. Within these spaces, many are not even at the point of grasping the acceptability of individuals interested in members of the same sex, and allowing these people to express their interest through romance and relationships. Even if same-sex couples are granted the right to marry, there are still many problems facing people in the LGBTQ community. The fact that people identifying in such a way can only be accepted in my church if they abstain from romantic relationships is one issue, as it’s unfair to deny anyone to feel and experience the Christlike emotion of love, and build a family, which is one of, if not the, most important teaching of the church.

I admire those allies in support of same-sex marriage, as, for some, it reflects a genuine interest in gay and lesbian politics. But I beg that these same people become allies to the LGBTQ community as a whole, and keep this vigor and passion in issues much more plaguing and vital to the larger community. There are causes and actions more worthwhile than changing a profile picture, and these movements call for personal involvement to work towards solutions towards these problems. Because when “faggot” continues to be yelled at me as I walk down the streets of my community at night, I must admit that same-sex marriage is only a pit stop on this journey, with stops of homophobia, acceptance in religious spaces, and LGBT youth and homelessness needing to be addressed. There are many more issues plaguing the community that are vital to the mere survival of some. Before marriage, survival and basic necessities must be met first.  

Supreme Court

Like one of the other writers on this blog, this winter I went to the Sundance Film Festival and saw the movie "God Loves Uganda," which was about a group of evangelical American Christians preaching a very anti-gay message in Uganda. In the question and answer session after the film, the filmmaker said that the evangelical group let him film them and follow them around because, they said, it was a chance to let God direct their filming and their portrayal in the larger world.

The crowd laughed about this because it was funny, but, also funnily, I kind of agree with them. I agree that if God had a hand in this film, then she/he did a great job in showing how terrible gay hate groups are and how we need to love people instead of hating them (which, ironically, would include the evangelical Christians, which is kinda hard). The Ugandan bishop who was interviewed in the film was also there for the question and answer, and he talked about how he believes in a god who created everyone differently and is showing us that we are on earth to be nice to everyone, regardless of how different we feel from them, and is teaching us acceptance and love for other people.

Anyway, the thought of God intervening in people's lives (and films) has me thinking about the Supreme Court case, and how many religious people are probably praying their hearts out right now that God will influence the decision in the correct, moral way. For some people, the correct, moral way means that gay marriage will be struck down and that Prop 8 will be upheld. For other people, like me, the correct moral thing is that equal rights for everyone throughout the states will be upheld. This is the problem of prayer--people pray for different things, and sometimes people thinking that God has "answered" their prayers is at the expense of people who were praying for different things. Like, say, the people praying for the reelection of Barack Obama vs. the people praying (so very, very hard, bless them) for Mitt Romney to be elected. Which I guess is why each religion's view of prayer is really problematic and has the potential to be damaging and hurtful. But if you believe in prayers or sending out good thoughts or agitating for social activism and demonstrating and peaceful marches or all of the above, and they help you out, then go for it.

I guess what I'm really saying is that if there is a god, then I firmly choose to believe that he/she wants everyone to be equal and wants everyone to be happy. If there is a god, he/she loves everyone, even if he/she doesn't actively intervene in everything all the time. I know what I'm saying is problematic, and the idea of a god intervening sometimes and not all times to help people remains deeply disturbing to me. But if all those people out there are praying for God to intervene in this case, then I choose to hope that he/she will intervene for what I firmly believe is the better, and not for what the conservatives in our midst believe is a correct religious moral imposition. And I'll keep sending positive thoughts out into the universe, and maybe go to some rallies this week. If you want to, feel free to do the same; if you don't want to, that's cool too, and if you want to pray to whatever God you believe in for the best possible outcome, that's cool too.

Ask Me
Some time when the river is ice ask me 
mistakes I have made. Ask me whether 
what I have done is my life. Others 
have come in their slow way into 
my thought, and some have tried to help 
or to hurt: ask me what difference 
their strongest love or hate has made.
I will listen to what you say. 

You and I can turn and look 
at the silent river and wait. We know 
the current is there, hidden; and there 
are comings and goings from miles away 

that hold the stillness exactly before us. 
What the river says, that is what I say.

William Stafford 

A Known Thing

Matt here.

I don't know where I'll be living a month from now. I don't know when I'll get a new job to replace the one I'm leaving on Monday. I don't know if I'll get a chance to date the man I'm interested in. I don't know if I want to start being a little active in the LDS church or have my name taken from the records.

The first two have been impending for a while, but seeing them coming hasn't, unfortunately, helped me figure them out. The third I didn't really hope for until a few circumstances changed and he started calling me by a certain nickname. The fourth I thought I had figured out, but then I got Rick's letter.

The letter itself didn't mention the church and the couple of letters that followed (before he went silent again) were mostly about books, but they made me think about churchy things. After reading it, I looked back over the whole of my correspondence with Rick, and I found a version of me I'd forgotten about. In one of my letters I said that "I can honestly say I believe in the church now." This was while I was in Argentina, the semester after Prop 8. I'd forgotten I ever felt that way. I'd forgotten what I was actually feeling and thinking back then.

(I'd also forgotten a letter I wrote to him about conflating the holy spirit with conditioned mental responses—felt a flush of pride at that one. My argument still feels solid, which isn't something I can say for all of my old writings.)

Remembering the old me was important. After relying on memory to keep my history for a few years, it got distorted. I forgot what I knew, or what I thought I knew, and even that I thought I knew it. I forgot the texture and nuance of my internal debate. I remembered that I never really solved the old dilemma of what I believe about Mormonism; I just shelved it. That was a good thing—even the right thing—for me to do, then, but it's been four years since I graduated and shelved. (Already? Jeez.) Now that I'm coming back to the states (where I can communicate, drive cars, and do other grounding things) and now that I've had years of experience away from the church, I think I'm ready to de-shelf the church.

But here's one thing I'm certain about: The church isn't all it projects itself as. Its vision of eternity, particularly of eternal progression, resonates with me, but after Prop 8, where they supported bald lies and fear-based arguments, it's impossible for me to believe that the church always fights for the side of truth and God. Whatever I come to think about the church in the coming months and years, it's going to have to come around that known thing.

And whatever I come to think about the church, I will not be muzzled, and I will not be silent.