How Was It?

"So, what was it like?"

"It was great! She introduced me to some wine at her place. We talked all through dinner. She insisted on picking up the check. We awkwardly flirted as we waited for the taxi. Once we got back to her place we got in the hot tub. I think we just chatted and flirted for over an hour before someone was brave enough to make the first move."

"Yeah, but what was IT like?"

What could I say? That I had rarely found myself so eager to drown in someone else's skin? That holding and touching her most intimate parts was like breathing again, or for the first time? That despite the fact that my unbridled desire to devour her made me sloppy and greedy, it seemed like every touch was perfect. Every scratch, every kiss brought a delicious moan to her lips that fueled every following action, until the night sky melted away and there was only this burning, driving force.

I loved her breasts and her thighs and her ass. I loved the little scars on her skin. I loved the way she giggled and reached for a smoke. And I loved watching her curl onto her side as she started to cum. I loved holding her, just holding her, as she fell asleep.

"It was like one of my best fantasies. Only, I didn't know it could be real."

Sex and Love

For a couple years I went on a sexual journey to try to figure out why I couldn't have an orgasm.  True.  Stay with me.

I have trouble connecting with men on a sexual level.

I tried all kinds.  Bigger penis, thicker penis, circumcised, uncircumcised, all shapes, all sizes, I even went black.  But for all my experimentation, I couldn't have an orgasm.  That can get frustrating for men.  But I knew it wasn't them, it wasn't something they were or weren't doing.  It was me.  I felt attracted to them, but I didn't feel desire for them. I never had a real connection with them.

I love big men.  I love beards and mountain man type builds.  I even have a thing for bald heads with beards.  The bigger the better in my opinion.  I had sex with a guy once who felt smaller than I was ( I was a double zero at the time) and lets just say it didn't work out between us.

For me, I need there to be a crazy chemical reaction.  The kind of reaction where you feel raw, burning desire so strongly that the sexual intimacy flows lava like from both parties.

It wasn't until I was with a woman that I found this.

Is it because it's less known area for me? Probably.  Is it because I'm inexperienced with women?  Definitely.  Is it because I have an attraction for women that I've only accepted for a few years of my 31 years?  Absolutely.

I'm happy to say that since I was able to discover my true sexuality, I can now connect with men on a sexual level.  I'm not on the intimate level yet, and FAR from the love level, and that's ok with me.  I realize that my journey isn't through and it will be a lifelong road for me.  I need some recovery, I need some healing, I need some self love.

My hope is that through these things, I will come to find the level of love and intimacy that everyone dreams of and too few are lucky enough to reach.  But then again, I don't believe it has anything to do with luck.

Sexcapades and What Impossible Feels Like

Yay, it's Wednesday!  That means I can tell you more about Veronica. If you need a refresher, please go to How I Fell.  

And so.

My life got complicated.  Veronica became the best part of every day.  In the sweltering summer humidity and heat, we escaped to the pool daily.  I brought my two baby girls and a couple bags of Little Ceasars breadsticks and she brought her two sweet kids and her rocking body in that tiny bikini.  She would sip on a blue Monster and I would 86 a couple RedBulls.  

I can't remember what we talked about, but there was never hesitation.  Comfort was our mode of operation and  I loved hanging out with her.  I felt like I could finally be myself even though I was still trapped in the LDS community, trying to squeeze my rectangular self into the tiny round hole that is religious Mormonism. 

For weeks I watched her rub oil all over her body, her beautiful tattoos, her breasts, ass...  She loved a good tan line and God, was she tan!  The white of her natural skin peeking out from her ever tinier bikinis was so bright, shiny with tanning oil and art-like, it made me want to reach out and touch it to find out if it she was crafted from oil paint or acrylics.   

As you may have surmised, Veronica is married. Two kids, nice home, husband has a good job, girl scouts, hockey, and all the rest.  My mouth was sealed shut, never to leak what I felt in my stomach, chest, the wetness that would come.  The thoughts in my head were repressed, pushed away.  I couldn't tell anyone.  And it was painful.  

When my husband and I decided to split and I drove to Salt Lake City, I called her.  I didn't want to tell anyone in the church, I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't want anyone to tell me that God wanted me to stay.  I just wanted to see Veronica and tell her goodbye.  When I called I had the kids in the car, and all of my things were ready, I was specifically waiting for her.  But she was out visiting family in a neighboring town and wouldn't be home for a few hours.  The sadness I felt driving away without getting to see her and hug her and hear her sweet voice with the adorable accent was deep.  More deep by far than the sadness for my failed marriage, which at this point we both knew was long over.  

A year passed, and as we stayed in touch, I wanted her to visit and the trip was planned!!  Finally, a year too late, I would get to see my best friend again!  

I remember when the first hints at mutual sexual attraction began. 

Somehow talk led to thoughts on sexual experimentation and um, lesbian desires.  She sent me a photo in a text and asked "how does this make you feel?"  I remember the photo perfectly and when I was writing this, I emailed her and asked her if she remembered the first photo she ever sent me.  She did.  It was a kitchen scene, two lovely, tattooed ladies from the waist down, naked save panties, legs entwined. 

The image excited all of me in all of the ways that I had been wanting for so many, many years.  She arrived.  Her visit wasn't long, just barely three days.  I took her to the Pie Hole, RedRock, up to see the mountains, we rode the tram up to the top of Hidden Peak at Snowbird and there where we could see the whole world, I remember the feel of holding her hand for the first time.  

I also remember the night that I drank enough liquid courage that I walked up to her standing in my living room, put my hand around her perfect waist and pulled her towards me.  I kissed her for a long time and it was like spring had sprung or like a thousand doves cooing, or a million butterflies taking off all at the same moment.  It was like nothing I had ever experienced and everything that I could have imagined.  

The next part is pretty rad and I know what you're probably wondering.  Yes, I fucked her.  But it's more than that.  Years have passed and my love for her grows.  When I need to imagine a happy place, she is there with me, warm breeze, her laugh, her smile, her touch.  Together.  She is everything I could ever want.  In a partner, in a friend, in a lover, in a confidant.  

So why might I have stated in the title, what impossible feels like?  Simply because for Veronica and I, our time is not yet.  I cannot be with her.  It's tragedy and pain and agony.  Yet it makes my love for her and our bond stronger.  We grow closer over the thousands of miles between us. 

I ask each of you one question: think of the person who completes you or the person you are searching for and tell me in one word, who are they?  

For me, it's Veronica and she is Zen. Peace, calm, rest, stillness, tranquility, my center.  I love her so and one day, one glorious, delicious, deserving day, we will be together. 

both ways by E

I was back in Small Town, Utah, for the weekend and just happened to get to spend Valentine's with a man I have been crushing on quite intensely. I stumbled, love drunk, through the door of my parent's house and excitedly told my momma that finally, after five months of chasing this fellow, I spent the night in bed with him.  Her response was quite unexpected: "You really can go both ways, can't you?"  And that got me thinking.

Yes, I think I can go both ways, though I definitely have preferences.  When it comes to being in relationships I would rather be with a woman.  Something about cuddling with a woman and baring my soul to her...the idea of a girlfriend, of a wife, makes me very happy.  But right now, I am lusting after a man.  Just one man.  Well...maybe two, but the second is Tom Hiddleston and I don't have a shot in hell with a movie star!

What does it mean to be able to go both ways? Is there such a thing as a perfect split or is there always going to be a preference of one over the other?  These are things I wonder as I lay in the dark, watching the firelight from my candle dance around the ceiling.

My research has led me to believe that sexuality is fluid, to a point.  Especially for bi-pan-queer.  I just don't know my extremes yet, what I fluctuate between. And that is a point of interest for me.  I'll figure it out some day.

Sex for Young Gay Mormons

Matt here.

One of the more memorable experiences of my college career was listening to a friend tell a brief story. He said, "Yeah, I couldn't stay with him. Every time we had sex, he'd curl up and cry after." That picture horrified me. Tangled up bedsheets and a young twenty-something in the fetal position between the bed and the wall. (That's where I would put myself, if it were me.) It makes me want to just hug him and tell him it'll be all right. It's just sex! It's just sex.

I would, of course, be lying. But in that moment when the action is finished and all that's left is the pain, when the past can't be changed, when it seems like sex is the sinniest sin you can sin (except for murder or denying the holy ghost), then, in that time, seeing sex as just sex is the best, kindest thing. Stop the pain, first.

Sex is on my mind because for the first time ever it's throwing itself at me. I've been in the Bay Area for just a couple of weeks, and I'm fairly certain I could have been with someone every night--there's no shortage of willing men--but I know myself. My cells are still infected with Mormonism; my neural pathways have yet to reform. Some significant part of me would still say I was sinning. Some significant part would end up crying between the bed and the wall.

I did in fact cry after my first experience with a man. Not until the following afternoon, though. I had driven out to my favorite beach on Puget Sound, and I sat in my clunker and looked out on the water and felt that I had Done Wrong so profoundly that I bawled until the snot started dripping. My religious friends would probably say I was feeling the natural consequence of my sin, designed to keep me from doing it again. Helping me learn my lesson: Stop touching hot stoves. Yet I didn't think that I'd Done Wrong; I just felt it. And there are an awful lot of ways to make someone feel they've Done Wrong that don't involve them actually doing wrong.

Mormonism had an awfully long time to mold my feelings, and I don't feel bad admitting that they still have a rather Mormon bend. Truth be told, they will probably always look Mormon-ish. I don't actually want sex to be just sex, although I can see how that perspective could be useful. As I told a friend recently (while debating the merits of hooking up versus not), I really like having sex tied with relationships and trust. I like the spiciness sex gets when it's a little bit scarce, a little bit special.

So, young gay Mormons, my advice is to take it very slow. Build relationships. Don't give in to pressure or expectation before you're ready. Know what 'ready' looks like for you.

***

To This Day (Ted Version)

Embracing Difference and Critiquing Sex

In the wake of celebrating my birthday, moving out of my apartment in Santa Barbara and back home for the summer, I’d like to direct anyone reading this to two authors who have their stuff together this week for some thoughtful insight.

First, this article here, as messaged to me by a friend. I appreciate this article so much because it reiterates a point I so strongly believe in, and even focused on in my workshop last month: embrace difference. Embrace it in coalitional politics between different communities, religious and non-religious, because it can be so beneficial in our politics. Race, ethnicity, gender, sexuality, religiosity, ability—the possibilities are endless.  Embrace it in the varying experiences of those religiously and LGBTQ identified. Whether active or inactive in their church, everyone’s voice and experience is crucial in queer religious movements. Embrace it in general, because it’s not always about our own way or own experience.

Second, an article here, on the New York Times website from a Feminist Studies professor at none other than...UCSB (shameless plug). As someone who is personally critical of many representations of gay sex scenes in mainstream media (are men’s bodies really supposed to look like that? Why is everyone white and adhere to their gender assigned at birth and its traditional representations?), it’s useful to be critical of the societal harms these images perpetuate and utilize the potential that representations of sex have as powerful societal statements. 

Dissection

Matt here.

Two weeks ago, I wrote a post about the weakness inherent in using "God wouldn't . . . " as justification; it seems there's rather little that God wouldn't. Today I want to explore a thing that Ditto brought up in a post of his own: Would God send some percentage of his children to Earth pre-damned? He says no. I say no too! It seems we've found a thing that God actually wouldn't, unless I'm seriously misunderstanding things, do. The conclusions we draw from that base are wildly different, though, and of course I think mine make more sense, so rather than unload in the poor man's comment section, I wrote a post.

Ditto starts out with a lovely scripture, Moses 1:39. I'm not convinced that the LDS cannon as a whole is inspired (large swaths of the D&C come to mind), but this particular scripture has worked its way into my personal theology. "This is my work and my glory," God says, "to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." I love that. A vision of eternity where God is on our side, where what's best for us—what helps us become eternally alive—is what he's all about. Love it. So when Ditto concludes that God "does nothing to keep us from progressing to eternal life," I agree with that. God's whole point is to bring as many of us up to his level as possible. We've found a thing God would not do. (Unless it were necessary to damn one to bring up more than one? After all, the scripture talks about the immortality and eternal life of man as a group, not of each individual man . . . But that's a thought for another day.)

Soon after that, though, Ditto's argument makes a few assumptions that I don't think are reasonable. He says "The Lord created every one of us. He created every aspect of our very being. And thus he created me and all his LGBT children with homosexual 'tendencies.'" Coming at this from a Mormon perspective (because let's face it, somewhere not so deep inside that's what I still mostly am), that doesn't hold water. Mormonism says clearly that God did not create our spirits, or "intelligences"; those have always existed (Abraham 3:18). They will always exist. If homosexuality is part of one's spirit, as many people (but not the Church) believe, then it's not something God makes, and if you claim that God made you gay, then you can't be referring to your spirit.

Given the uncreated nature of the spirit, we would need to refine Ditto's statement to something like this: "The Lord created our bodies. He created every aspect of our bodies. And thus he created me and all his LGBT children with homosexual 'tendencies.'"

That is a bit more solid, but it still needs clarification. Science in general holds that homosexuality is the result of a combination of environment and genetic factors. (The Church has no opinion on that.) I think twin studies are the most interesting and bluntly informative ones—the high correlation between gay twins shows that there's certainly some genetic component, but the fact that the incidence is far below 100 percent shows that there are other factors involved too. If we accept science's working conclusion, it's entirely possible for God to create a body with the genetic portions of same-sex attraction without actually creating a 'gay body.' The body doesn't become gay until after the environmental factors jump in there, which are the result of human agency, not God. Or, I suppose you could blame those on God too, but if you do that, why not blame everything on God?

Now, an omniscient God like the God of Mormonism would know that the body would eventually become gay, but providing the circumstances in which a thing can happen and making a thing happen aren't the same. The fact that people are gay is not proof that God created them that way.

Ditto continues: "Heavenly Father creates perfection. He did not accidentally create me gay or forget to turn on my 'I like girls' switch. No, he created me perfectly the way he intended, one of his male children who will one day love another perfectly created male child of his." There are more problems here. First, God does not create perfection. The purpose of life (according to Mormons) is to become perfect, a task which wouldn't be necessary were we created that way. Utter ignorance is perfect? Cleft palates? Deafness? No. God doesn't create perfection. However, he also doesn't create people who are unperfectable.

Second, I don't think anyone in Mormondom is saying that homosexuality is an accident, or due to divine forgetfulness. Those things are impossible with an omniscient God.

Third, it doesn't follow that just because God created us or allowed us to become attracted to our own sex he intended us to love (in the sexytimes sense) another man or another person, and every single person should know that. Why? Take the argument apart. "Because X is the way things are, X is the way God wants it to be."

Yes, that's right—it's the same argument used by the South for keeping slavery and by the Christians for keeping gays from marrying each other and by men for keeping women from voting. Or working. Or owning property.

This is a logically bankrupt argument that always fails, and it is not worthy of us.

Moving on. "Because he created me [gay] and wants nothing more than for me to be happy and obtain salvation and eternal life, how could he then tell me, 'if you choose [sexytimes], you will not be able to obtain eternal life.'" Does the Church say God says "if you choose [sexytimes], you will not be able to obtain eternal life"?

No, the Church doesn't say that, and if you know of a place where it does, please share. It does say some pretty harsh things, but it doesn't say sexual sin disqualifies you from eternal life. To quote the missionary I asked on mormon.org, "Repentance is available to all. That shouldn't be taken cavalierly; repentance is never easy and can take years of consistent effort before forgiveness is given. But sexual sins, as far as I am aware, if repented of fully, will not keep one out of the celestial kingdom." We also have Mosiah 26:30, which plainly says "As often as my people repent will I forgive them their trespasses against me," and also the whole lovely chapter of Alma 42, which talks about how justice is balanced with mercy. Mormon doctrine is pretty clear about everything except murder itself--not its next door neighbor—being repentable, if you choose to repent of it.

So when Ditto continues to say "No, Heavenly Father would not do anything of the sort," I agree insofar as he means God would not do anything that would impede his work and his glory. However, I'm not convinced that making or allowing people to be gay and commanding them not to have gay sexytimes would be an impediment. I see no reason why God might not do exactly that, especially since, as Mormons believe,  the laws of right and wrong are not malleable. If gay sex is inherently wrong and gettin' it on is inherently an impediment to God's work, how could he not command us to avoid it?

***
Good to review: Bill Bradshaw on nature/nurture and Bill Bradshaw on Mormon Stories
Funny, but crude, webcomic. (This one I linked to isn't particularly crude, though, and I relate.)

Little Children Burn

Matt here.

Sometimes I think we, gay people, are like little little children. We get our fingers pinched or go in for our shots and scream like we've been set on fire.

---

From time to time I hear an argument, usually in the comments sections of articles but occasionally from dear dear friends, that God would not let people be born gay and then expect them to live celibate lives. I understand the appeal of the argument, of course; if God wouldn't command us to be celibate, then we're good to go on the sex thing. Hallelujah!

The problem is that this argument isn't actually an argument—it's just a denial. It's sticking your head in the sand, thinking that if you can't see the consequences, they can't bite you in the butt.

In fact, it's worse than a flat denial. If you say "Gay sex is a sin" and I say "No it isn't," we can argue all day about who has the authority to declare what's sinful and what's not. But if you say "Gay sex is a sin" and I say "God wouldn't let me be born gay if gay sex were a sin," the argument now becomes about what God would not allow, and that list appears to be remarkably short.

Assuming God exists, he either causes or allows an amazing range of horrific events. I flatter myself I needn't list them, though I'm thinking of one particular thing. I was in Hiroshima last week, at the Atomic Bomb Museum, where I was perfectly fine until I saw a mannequin wearing a torn, burned boy's junior high school uniform and I involuntarily pictured my favorite student's face. I was not fine after that.

God lets little children burn to death. Every awful thing that has ever happened, God let it happen. How presumptuous, to say that because God allows a thing it's not a tragedy, and the consequences can't hurt. How ridiculous, for grown men and women to caterwaul that the pain the church asks them to suffer is more than God would ask.

Bitch, please.

---

Tonight is my last night in Japan. By the time you read this, I should be back in good ole California.

I Feel Human Dark With Sugar.

Matt here.

The series finale is still postponed, until I have time to think it through. This week  I haven’t had that. This time when I’m sitting down to write is not that much.

I love that it’s Saturday. Yesterday a friend flew into Tokyo on a flight so late that, because I didn’t plan accordingly, we missed the last train home. We looked for a hotel but (no longer being in Tokyo and by this time thoroughly exhausted) we couldn’t find one. We ended up renting a karaoke booth for a few hours and singing until the trains started up again. We got to my apartment and went to sleep around six.

I love that I paused at the railroad crossing on my way to 7-11 to pay my electric bill and I saw the crown of Mt. Fuji nearly but not covered in smoky clouds. I’d just finished reading The Fault In Our Stars, so every pain and irritation felt far away and it has been one of those days when I feel I have extravagantly wonderfully much. Clouds. Novels. Tangerines. Poetry. Friend.

I love that my friend asked about the quotes on my mirror. The one from Joan Didion saying that “Character--the willingness to take responsibility for one’s own life--is the source from which self-respect springs” is if not my favorite the one I am most determined to apply. I blamed family and church for my unhappiness for too long, but slowly I’m making it habitual to say “I could have acted differently.”

I love that my friend let me  read to him from Human Dark With Sugar.  Feeling my tongue make the beautiful words to be heard made me hungry to live, to be human dark with sugar hot to melt the snow. If sex were like that I would not object.

---

Here is one of the poems I read to him: Why Is the Color of Snow?

Here is a website that made me smile and then recoil. Then smile again. WTF, Evolution?

Celibacy is a lanthanide. Pretty useless.

Matt here. Putting off the end of the series I've been working on.

Like my profile says, I was seventeen when I first thought about not marrying a woman. I was sitting on a floral-print couch at LDS Family Services, talking with my young and bald counselor, Curtis. He asked me to imagine my life at forty—married, children—and then to imagine what I would feel if I realized at that point in my life that I was gay.

Leading question, right? It was needed. I'd honestly never considered it before. It just wasn't a possibility, being gay. Not for me. But then in that safe, weirdly antiseptic Curtis-space I thought about it and I knew that I would hate that situation and that it was entirely plausible. I also realized that my complete lack of sexual feelings for women meant that I wasn't straight.

The thing is, I didn't want to have sex with men either. That's kind of a buzzkill in relationships. Maybe that's why I just don't see myself having a family. Sometimes it looks almost possible and I try to convince myself that somewhere out there is a guy I'll love who either shares or ends my weirdness, but most of the time I think I will probably stay single. Maybe that's why when I come across things like the Night Watch in Game of Thrones* I think, ah, I could work with that. Celibacy is my element.

Unfortunately, it seems to be a pretty useless element. The only brotherhoods that require it in the real world seem to be religious, and I'm not interested in religion. There's no sword-wielding, ice-wall-guarding group of mostly badass misfits for me to dedicate myself to and feel at home in. (Not that I'm particularly badass . . . but I could be!) There's just the same sex-crazed world everybody else has, and in that world, a lack of interest in sex is just odd and problematic.

It doesn't make me particularly sad. Just restless. All that energy the other guys put into the quest for sex . . . what to do with it?

---

*It's possible that my love for fantasy novels is as detrimental as anything to my search for a mate, but Game of Thrones is cool now, right? Thanks to HBO? Right?

1 Girl, 5 Gays, Eh?

I could be the worst gay ever. More often times than none, I have not had any of the typical gay “rites of passage” that many have long since experienced. We won’t even mention the fact that I have not seen Brokeback Mountain yet (oh, the shame). A lot of what culturally happens in my community always transpires without my knowledge. Although I am familiar with many LGBT music artists, I am typically culturally illiterate until someone brings me into the light.

Such was the case when I walked in on my roommate watching “1 Girl, 5 Gays.” For those that don’t know, it’s a Canadian show airing on MTV Canada, and on Logo in the United States. The show features the heterosexual and charming Aliya Jasmine Sovani as host and a panel of 5 gay men chosen from the Toronto community.  The 6 talk about various aspects of their love and sex lives, which results in humorous and outrageous confessions.

After watching just one episode with my roommate, I was hooked. Each episode is entertaining and light, with just a small smidge of adversity and inspiration. In other words, it’s a lot of happy with an “aww” moment every now and then. Also, I experienced something rare while watching the show: I was able to relate to most of these guys, their answers, and their experiences. Let me just say that if this show is representative of gay life in Toronto, I’ll start packing my bags. The guys, on camera at least, are like nothing I’ve ever experienced before: positive, genuine, and normal. 

Season 4 episodes can be watched online here, and season 1 episodes can be watched online here. And if you live in Canada/an area where the copyright doesn't apply to you, well, then I envy you because you can watch them all here. 

Let's Call It Honesty

I’m going to go back to a topic that I brought up three weeks ago. How much about myself do I tell my roommates about myself? However, this time, I’m not only going to fully answer the question but I’m going to expand it to “How much should I tell people I know about myself?”

One of the first things I tell new roommates is that I’m gay. I don’t want to keep it a secret. It is their right to know, even if, in the end, it doesn’t affect them. I don’t just tell them when they walk in the door. THAT would be silly (and probably wouldn’t make a good first impression) (not that I make good first impressions). I usually wait a few weeks. Yet, last semester, I had a roommate who let it slip how much he hates gay people ON THE FIRST NIGHT! So, I never told him I was gay.

Originally, when I brought up this story, I was going to be living with him next semester. This is no longer the case. I will be living with three completely new guys. However, after my previous roommate, I don’t know if I want to tell three strangers, even if it is after three weeks. Or months. The pictured welcome mat may not end up giving very welcoming roommates.

So, how honest should I be? I think it depends on the people thus I no longer think there is a universal answers for telling my roommates. Let alone my mother.

So, for those wondering, my parents do know I’m gay and have for two years. My dad chooses to largely ignore it and my mother has been very accepting, even if I didn’t think so at first. But, now that I know that my mother is accepting and I now know she will always love me, how much should I tell her?

She knows I’m gay but I’ve kept pretty much everything else hidden. If I were to follow Dupree’s example, I would tell her everything. If I were to follow my mother's own advice, I would be completely honest. But… something still holds me back. Should I tell that I’m kind of searching for a relationship right now? Should I tell her of my semi-regular visits to nudist colonies in high school? Should I tell her I’ve had sex with Brian? With my fourth cousin whom she adored? Should I tell her about my sexual exploits of last night?

Damn it. She’s my mother. This should be easy to determine. I’ve told other people, why not her? She is visiting soon, so we shall see.

30 Minute Orgasm

Okay, I hope you're ready for some silence slaying. Because this topic, while largely overdone in some areas, is actually not talked about in serious, educational ways. I doubt I will be able to give you that....because I'm not serious...but maybe it'll at least be a little educational?

Addie and I have been all over each other the past couple days. Maybe that's TMI, but we all know it happens, so let's just get it out there. Addie is very sexy.

I have two stories for you. And I hope you learn something from both.

First, shower sex is really really fun. However, if you stand too long in a hot shower making hott love after already being a little dehydrated, there is a very high possibility of blacking out. I may have locked my knees or something as well, but that part I don't remember. I didn't actually black out completely--like falling over and being unconscious and waking up. I felt a little light-headed at first. Then it just kept getting worse. I told Addie I wanted some water. Then my vision kind of slurred...you know the way drunks slur their speech...then it just went black. I'm assuming this is the point where my face turned pale and my eyes dilated so big there was hardly any brown left (I feel really bad for Addie because this must have been crazy scary to see). The blackness only lasted a few seconds or so...I don't really know how long it was. I blinked like crazy trying to see, and it came back little bits at a time, but I saw all these weird patterns and it looked like those weird "negative" style pictures you can make in the photo booth computer program. Addie held on to me, until I felt okay enough to step out of the shower then she had me lie down. That has never happened to me before. Ever. But, after researching things about blacking out or passing out or fainting (there are a lot of terms for it), I found that dilating pupils and pale skin are signs (for others to see) of it coming on, and symptoms (for you to notice in yourself) are blurred vision, light-headedness, feeling heavy, etc. The best thing to do is put your head between your knees or to lie down with your feet up because  what's happening is your brain isn't getting enough blood flow. I also read that people pass out from defecating...really people?? If you're passing out from taking a shit that's a sure sign you need more fiber in your diet.


Second, I found out this weekend that all the hype about how women are capable of multiple orgasms in a row is very true. Addie and I laughed the whole time, but to be honest it was almost alarming to see how wet our bed got from all our fun.

So, for you virgins out there (which technically includes me because I've never had sex with a man...) here's a little sex 101. Keep in mind I can only tell you about lesbian sex, but for the straight men and women this might also be somewhat helpful because it's a woman thing.

Lesson 1: When men reach orgasm/climax/whatever it is, they ejaculate semen. This is what makes the babies when a lady-vagina is on the receiving end of the ejaculation. Most of you probably already know this.

Note: straight ladies, you cannot get pregnant from a guy ejaculating into your mouth or anywhere else on you...pretty sure it only happens when it's in the vag.

Another Note: gay guys, you don't have to worry about getting pregnant...because you don't have vaginas. :)

Last Note: lesbian ladies, you cannot get pregnant from your girlfriends (but you still can get pregnant if you have sex with dudes...just saying, you're still a girl with a vagina).


Lesson 2: When women reach orgasm/climax/whatever it is, they ejaculate what Addie and I like to call  "organic fuck juice" also known as cum (this is also what manly ejaculation is called...I think). This substance comes through the urethra (that's where the pee comes out, in case you don't know biology/anatomy), which has made lot of people in the past believe that it's urine, so they think it's gross. However, it is, in fact, more like semen (just without the sperm) and generally is clear or milky with almost no smell, and sometimes a sweet taste. mmm :)

Note: for the ladies, when you're cumming, it can feel almost like you're peeing...but you'll know the difference. My advice is not to be scared of it. let it come. cum. :)

Another Note: for those playing around with the ladies (be you man or woman), it's important for you to understand that cum/ejaculation is a really fun part of the lady orgasm, and if you can get your lady to cum, then you're damn good at fucking so take pride in that organic fucking juice you helped produce.

Last Note: sex is still fun without the organic fucking juice...really it is. And don't feel like a failure if your partner doesn't cum. However, if you're curious and want to see if you can do it, then experiment a little with things you've never tried. I don't want to make this a sex forum or anything, but there are lots of different things you can do. If you want some ideas then just ask me. If you'd like to keep it personal (and fairly anonymous since I don't think I know any of you) you can email me (miryah.bird@gmail.com).


RyBread Wisdom:
If you or your sex buddy is anything like me then you might want to lay down some towels before things get too...fun...and wet. This is about taking precautions when venturing into sexual fun times. You'll all have remembered to use condoms or the pill or dental dams or whatever it is you need in that regard. But, if you're gonna want to sleep in the bed that you have sex in, you'll want to take necessary measures to keep it dry (unless you like wet and cold). There are a few options for this, but first it might be important to just get to know your body (and your partner's). If you find that you ejaculate like crazy and get everything wet then you'll want to find what works for you and your partner. Some ladies take care of business in the bathroom before going to play with their men (personally, I think this is because some men suck and don't understand the beauty of female ejaculation). Some ladies also will control their cum and let it out later when play time is over (again...not my favorite option).

In the past I've made a decent sized puddle and then just put a towel over it to sleep on. After this weekends adventures we had to tear all the sheets off the bed, put a towel down, re-sheet the bed, put another towel down. This my friend is from what I call the 30 minute orgasm. It just wouldn't stop. And, I don't know how my body can produce so much fucking juice, but it did, and it felt amazing.

So, put a few towels down if you need to. Maybe several, if you think things might get to the 30 minute stage. :)

For a Woman to Be Fully Informed

I've been hearing/reading/seeing a lot about contraceptives and abortions.

Maybe some of you have heard about Obama's mandate for contraceptive coverage (if not then check out the link HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, or HERE) Basically, Obama's plan is to require free insurance coverage for birth control for women. Apparently religious freaks (excuse me, fanatics...ahem, I mean...um...people...??) feel like it's a violation of their religious freedoms to be required to supply free coverage for birth control. I can only imagine what these people's views are...Probably that sex is for baby-making only (oh, and that it's the MAN's choice about when sex will happen, even though he'll most likely be a fucking bastard and leave the woman alone and pregnant with a child that SHE will have to take care of). Hmmm. There was not a single WOMAN on the witness board (take a look at the 2nd HERE), Representative Carolyn B. Maloney, Democrat of New York, asked: “Where are the women? It’s outrageous that the Republicans would not allow a single individual representing the tens of millions of women who want and need insurance coverage for basic preventive health care services, including family planning.” Why ask a woman? It's not like she's going to be the one AFFECTED by it at all.

I love a good war against religion. They're pretty devastating in the minds of religious people...probably because that's the only place they occur...

What really pisses me off about this whole thing is that these religious dudes say that it violates their religious beliefs to provide affordable contraceptives for women, or for insurance companies to provide free birth control to women--because sometimes these religious organizations have to provide insurance coverage for people (I've never heard of religions doing that, but okay, whatever). It's not like women are REQUIRED to USE the birth control. If a woman is religious and believes all this bull shit about birth control then she doesn't have to use it! What these priests and rabbis and bishops or whoever are trying to do is keep their people trapped in their stupid little religious rules. News flash, religious dudes, your ladies are going to have sex anyway (whether it's forced on her by some jackass like yourself who thinks he can run other people's lives or of her own free will). And damn, if these religious guys have their tighty-whities in a wad over contraceptives what in the world do they believe about ABORTION? Would they rather have women aborting their babies than simply using contraception and preventing those fetuses from even developing a tiny bit? Or maybe they'd rather have impoverished, single mothers struggling to take care of their children alone (because we all know few men are going to stick around to take any responsibility).

Now, if that isn't enough to tighten my jaw and make the hairs on my arms stick out all crazy, there's some law being considered about trans-vaginal ultrasound in Virgina, Texas, and Iowa. People are lovingly referring to it as Government-Sanctioned Rape. You can read about it HERE, and if you think that's already biased then maybe HERE for the bill.

(Taken from the 1st HERE)

During the debate Republican State Del. Todd Gilbert said:

“the vast majority of these cases [abortion] are matters of lifestyle convenience.” And, 

“We think in matters of lifestyle convenience and in other matters that it is right and proper for a woman to be fully informed about what she is doing.”

I agree with this statement by Todd Idiot Gilbert in one aspect. It IS right and proper for a woman to be fully informed about what she is doing--about sex, and her body, and the consequences of not using birth control. Every person ought to be informed on sex, and their bodies, and the consequences of not using birth control. But most importantly, I think that everyone needs to be taught that sex is NOT BAD. Once people understand this then it won't be a huge fucking issue about rape and abortion and STDs. People need to be informed about the feelings in their bodies, about healthy ways to release those energies, about how to respect other people, and more importantly oneself in every aspect--including sexuality.

Okay, sorry to get all political over here (not really sorry). And, to you religious people, I don't hate YOU. I just hate your religion, your beliefs, and you know, your ideas that it's okay to let women get fucked up and then make them deal with the consequences alone. :)

Rybread Wisdom

What it Takes For a Woman to Be Fully Informed: one word--COMMUNICATION.

This means that a parent who has a daughter will tell her that once she hits puberty she's gonna want to dry hump her pillow sometimes, and baby, that's OK. Not only is she going to start bleeding from the lack of egg fertilization (aka not being pregnant), she's gonna have white-ejaculation-stuff (great words, eh?) come from her vagina to lubricate it--BECAUSE OUR BODIES ARE MEANT TO HAVE SEX!

This also means that in health class (and at HOME) teachers and parents don't just talk about how she can get pregnant from having sex some-odd percent of the time. They talk about what her options are, and they need to tell her that celibacy is fucking HARD (I mean not-fucking hard?), and that if she chooses that route then good for her, but remember she still has the option of masturbation (and her pillow) and her sexuality doesn't have to be killed and locked in a closet. They need to talk about options for if she's gonna have sex, because let's face it she's gonna have sex at some point! and she shouldn't go into blind and uninformed. There are all kinds of contraceptives--condoms, the pill, the patch, those awesome things you insert into the vagina that latch onto a man's penis when he isn't supposed to be in there. . . The important thing to remember is to be prepared for it. If you're gonna have sex, make it an active, thought-out choice and protect yourself. Why don't we teach this in schools? Why don't parents think to tell their kids about this MAJOR part of LIFE? I don't have the answer to that, but I think it's time to change it (and maybe dance about it).

Silence Has No Place In Love-Making

I thought I'd start off in a similar vein as I left on last week.
Sex. Intimacy. Love-making.

I found this cool post, which actually you should ignore because it's hella confusing. Go straight to the comics at the bottom because they make a lot more sense. http://campus.feministing.com/2010/10/27/on-the-critical-hotness-of-enthusiastic-consent/

I liked the idea of giving positive consent and it reminded me a little bit of when Addie and I started getting a bit more intimate. It seemed like we were both really quiet when things got more physical and we didn't ever say anything. This bothered both of us. But it's hard to talk about sexual things, so we kind of just let it slip through the sheets until one of us (and I really can't remember if it was me or her) mentioned something about it. We both agreed that we wanted more feedback. We wanted to know what worked, what felt good, what didn't feel good, what could we do better/different/more often???

Once we opened up a line of communication it felt a lot more comfortable to be close in almost every way. We both made an effort to say something as simple as "That felt really good, babe" if we liked it. Or, "Damn you're good at that." One of my favorite's that Addie is so awesome about is telling me that I'm beautiful. I love hearing her say that. She tells me a lot, and I still can't get enough of it.

Rybread wisdom: If you ever get that feeling in your gut telling you to speak up then do it. Especially if it's got to do with the one you love. Just say something. Say it. Your relationship can't go anywhere, can't get any better, can't flourish unless you actually talk about things. It's hard sometimes to bring up sensitive issues, but those are the ones that need to be talked about the most. (Just a note: I joined this blog because of the breaking the silence theme/idea. Probably most of my posts will be about communication in some way. It's that important.)

Strip Poker

One freezing winter day after a stroll around the duck pond, Addie and I sat trying to figure out what we could do for the rest of the day. I threw out a bunch of ridiculous ideas, and then said "Le'ts play strip poker!" I don't know how to play poker. Neither does Addie. But we do know how to play Go Fish. And Monopoly. And Scrabble. We came up with some simple rules for our own games and changed the names of a few of them. One of our favorites is Go Strip. We vary on the rules for this one, but tend to go with the one that if the other person gets a set of 4 then you have to take off an article of clothing. Or for Stripple (scrabble) the other person has to take off a piece of clothing if you get a word longer than 3 letters, and they have to take off 2 things if you make a really good word--like fuck, zebra, or wanderlust. Basically it makes getting naked a fun process (not that it isn't already), and it really spices up board games and card games that can get pretty old and boring sometimes. It almost always turns into a giggle fest for me and Addie, which is why I love it so much.

Intimacy is meant to be enjoyable and to bring two people close to each other in a very important and unique type of relationship. I learned this from my parents. However, it seems a lot of people have very different ideas about intimacy--such as the way that Addie's family approached it (basically that sex is meant for baby-making and that hugs and kisses aren't appropriate anywhere anytime). Building a relationship with Addie has been a scary process for both of us and we've had to re-adjust to each other and learn to speak each other's language, but we've found that an important aspect of our relationship is keeping intimacy fun--whether that means playing Go Strip, or having tickle wars, or pretending we're strangers who just met in a bar... I don't have a lot of time to get more in-depth with what I wanted to say, so I'll leave you with some

Rybread Wisdom: PLAY. loosen up, have fun, and maybe play a game of strip poker (or whatever your favorite game is). sex/nakedness/intimacy does not have to (and NEVER should) be serious/obligatory/painful.

Sex and Gender

Hey, Bradley here.

It's unfortunate that many people confuse the concepts of sex and gender. Sex is purely biological - meaning male or female. Gender on the other hand is socially constructed - whether a person is masculine or feminine. Along with a person's gender identity come all kinds of cultural baggage - sets of expectations of how that individual is supposed to behave in the context of a relationship, in a family, among peers, in business, and in society as a whole.

Someone who is "masculine" is expected to be dominant, prone to rational thought (as opposed to emotional), strong, powerful, in control, authoritative... etc.

On the other hand, someone who is "feminine" is expected to be gentle, submissive, emotional and compassionate, nurturing, delicate, beautiful... etc.

However, the human mind has both masculine and feminine tendencies. I think what causes problems is when men are hyper-masculinized and women are hyper-feminized. Just look down the aisles of a toy store to see the polarization: the boys aisle is full of robots, trucks, things that shoot, or that transform into something. This is perhaps the case because little boys are supposedly more excited by movement. The girls' aisle is full of dolls, castles, stickers, furry things, and things to play dress-up with. This is because little girls supposedly are more excited by how things look, or what colors they are (as opposed to how they move). With such polarization of gender identities especially in children, it's no wonder the boys and girls rarely play together. I mean, it's not as though little Jimmy would want to be caught dead playing at Sally's house with her pink 8-ball and princess castle. Nor would Sally want to be caught dead playing with Jimmy's build-your-own-robot kit and transformers. So boys play with boys, girls play with girls, and there is little room for anyone who does not quite fit either category.

Even into adulthood, we still have this hyper-masculinization and hyper-feminization of the gender roles. So when someone feels they don't fit their gender role the way they're "supposed to", they feel like they have to go to the other extreme - the gays are expected to behave like straight women, and the lesbians are expected to behave like straight men, which causes ALL KINDS of stereotyping problems. Because, clearly not all gay men fit that stereotype, and likewise, not all lesbian women fit their stereotype, (and the bisexuals don't fit EITHER category, haha) and the whole thing is one big tangled mess.

This is why the LGBT community is seen as so strange by the rest of society - because the L's G's B's and T's don't fit cleanly into the boxes labeled masculine and feminine, or even the boxes labeled boy and girl. Then, all the in-between people are seen as outcasts.

And don't even get me started on gender roles in the context of a relationship - why does the guy have to "be the guy" and why does the girl have to "be the girl", and when the couple has two men or two women, why does one of the girls have to "be the guy" or one of the guys have to "be the girl" in the relationship. The roles of dominant and submissive do NOT have to be clearly assigned. The whole thing is just absolutely absurd!

So to recap - sex refers to a person's biology (which is by no means fixed), and gender refers to the way society expects that person to behave, dress, express themselves (which aught to be much more fluid than it is).

So the next time someone asks you "are you a boy or a girl", or even "are you THE boy or THE girl", you can explain all about the difference between sex and gender.