A Sense of Self by E

What is a sense of self and when do you know that you have it?

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this here, but I have depression.  I am not depressed, I am not my disease.  And that is what this is, a disease, an illness, the mental equivalent of the flu. Except there is no vaccine.  I see a therapist for talk therapy and a psychiatrist for medications and both agree that one of the big roots of my depression is my lack of a solid sense of self and values.  Okay, well how do I get that?  Where do I go within myself, or without, that will help get a sense of self?

Two big aspects of self and values, for me any way, are sexulity and belief of what lies beyond.  I don’t have solid thoughts on either of those.  I like men and women, but up until a few weeks ago, I thought I was gay, that I’d never sleep with another man after my ex-fiance. But lo and behold, I am currently sleeping with Cowboy, crushing on Coffeeshop Guy and going on dates with Mormon Boy; ALL MEN! I don’t have any women in my line up right now and that is weird for me because I really want a girlfriend.  On the other hand I love having sex with men.

My therapist thinks that the human body gets depression when something is wrong; wrong relationship, wrong sense of self, wrong program in school, wrong roommates, wrong town, wrong religion.  He also thinks that everything in life is fluid and rarely stays the same.  And that goes for sexuality as well.  Combining those two thoughts, maybe my bisexuality was trying to save me from getting married, something that was wrong for me, by completely turning me off to guys for a while and once I was clear of marriage, I reverted back to being bi?

There are a lot of different kinds of sexuality and the two that I’m trying to decide between are pansexual and bisexual.  I don’t quite understand the difference between the two.  I’ve heard many definitions and they don’t make a lot of sense to me.  From what I’ve heard, pan is being able to love and be attracted to and connect with all people regardless of physical sex and gender identity, where bi is able to love and be attracted to and connect with men and women.  Yeah, I don’t see a difference, but oh well.

I think one thing that I need work on in order to build my value system is to say “no” when my guts tell me to.  I talk big about following your instincts, that they know best and will help you more than any advice you could get from anyone, but I don’t do it myself.

Isn’t that another part of depression, not following your values? I think that is what I’m going to work on next, but how do I do that? Suggestions please :)

What am I? By E

I know Carrie isn’t gay, but sometimes I wonder if this is my life.

I like girls. A lot. I want a girlfriend someday.

I like boys. I like to have sex with them, and to look at them.

Am I shallow? Am I a bitch? Am I bi or gay or straight or hasbian or wanna-lez? I hate labels, being called things I am not, or things I think I am not.  But sometimes it’s nice to know what I am and right now, when it comes to my sexuality, I don’t know what I am.

My mom just told me that I'm lucky, I'm lucky because it seems like I'm bi, and that means I get the chance to love freely and choose freely. She said, "I have had girl friends that I've loved, but could never be with because I'm straight, but for you it's different."

What and who am I? Does it matter that I don’t know? Do I have to know right now?

Oh The Places I'll Go ("The Fighter"- Gym Class Heroes)

   

     When I was younger I was very chubby and had a bowl cut and dressed like a boy. I was often asked by my peers if I was a boy or a girl. I always had friends and I was never the target of excessive bullying, but I was often brought down by my own thoughts. I was a bully....to myself. In elementary school I don't ever remember my "difference" holding me back... I don't ever remember it enabling me from being social or hanging out with my friends. In middle school however the fact that I was different started to be more noticeable. Maybe not so much to my peers but more so to me. I specifically remember being in elementary when the thought that I could be gay started to creep into my mind. However being so young I didn't know much on the topic and it was easy to convince myself that I was just going through a phase and that next year I would be more girly and like boys more. In middle school.....well that was a little harder to do. My feelings towards girls were not as easily ignored. I had crushes...multiple crushes that I hid within friendships. I started to separate myself emotionally and physically from people, scared that if I got too close they would start to see who I was......A monster. I started to tell myself I was a nobody.....that I was a mistake. In high school the depression started to creep in like a plague. I alienated myself from my close friends because they were all dating and having the boyfriends....and, well, I wasn't. Growing up in the mormon church my thoughts were often led to temple marriage and eternal families and it was like I had unconsciously made a decision that I could never be happy. That I would never be normal. I felt like a failure all the time. After struggling through high school and putting on a brave face I graduated, excited of what my future had to hold. I had unknowingly planted these dreams and expectations of what "real" life was. I speculated that once I graduated things would magically change and I would be happy. I. Was. Wrong.
     I struggled all through my college years trying to find out who I was. If you've read my last post you'll understand when I say I "hit rock bottom". Once you hit rock bottom you don't automatically pop out on top. You have to fight to get there. So this last week that's what I've been doing..... Fighting. I have spent my whole life telling myself I was a monster, a nobody, that I was worthless and a mistake. I have spent  my whole life tearing myself down....being my own bully that now.....Well.....its hard to tell myself I'm not. I have been searching the past couple of weeks for strength to keep fighting this war going on within myself...... And then while at work I was reading to one of my disabled students a book that changed my life.

Oh, the Places You'll Go! by Dr. Seuss (I've highlighted my favorite parts)

Congratulations! Today is your day. You're off to Great Places! You're off and away! 
You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go. 
You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care. About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there." With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street. 
And you may not find any you'll want to go down. In that case, of course, you'll head straight out of town. 
It's opener there in the wide open air. 
Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you. 
And when things start to happen, don't worry. Don't stew. Just go right along. You'll start happening too. 
OH! THE PLACES YOU'LL GO! 
You'll be on your way up! You'll be seeing great sights! You'll join the high fliers who soar to high heights. 
You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed. You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest. 
Except when you don' t Because, sometimes, you won't. 
I'm sorry to say so but, sadly, it's true and Hang-ups can happen to you. 
You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You'll be left in a Lurch. 
You'll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you'll be in a Slump. 
And when you're in a Slump, you're not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done. 
You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked. A place you could sprain both you elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win? 
And IF you go in, should you turn left or right... or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind. 
You can get so confused that you'll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place. The Waiting Place... 
...for people just waiting. Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or a No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting. 
Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting. 
NO! That's not for you! 
Somehow you'll escape all that waiting and staying. You'll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. 
With banner flip-flapping, once more you'll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you're that kind of a guy! 
Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. there are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV. 
Except when they don't. Because, sometimes, they won't. 
I'm afraid that some times you'll play lonely games too. Games you can't win 'cause you'll play against you. 
All Alone! Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you'll be quite a lot. 
And when you're alone, there's a very good chance you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won't want to go on. 
But on you will go though the weather be foul On you will go though your enemies prowl On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. 
On and on you will hike and I know you'll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are. 
You'll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You'll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life's a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left. 
And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and 3 / 4 percent guaranteed.) 
KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS! 
So... be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea, you're off to Great Places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So...get on your way! 


     Right in the middle of reading this book I paused and struggled to hold back tears. I realized through this silly Dr. Seuss book that all those years of putting myself down had only led to to where I was now. On Top. I finally realized that I had made it. That I was on top of my mountain. But I'm not stopping there. I know life is full of ups and downs and thats okay because there are so many other mountains to climb....and to keep climbing them at one point I'll have to slide down. So though I may be on top now...I'm NOT going to stop fighting. I'm going to fight for happiness, for peace, for love, for equality, for whats right and against wrong, for the handicapped, for the sad, for the lost and the down, and for me. There is so much that awaits me! So many adventures and places to see. My expectations are high, my smile is big, and my desires and huge. The sky is my limit! All I need is the strength....and I'll fight for it, cause I'm a Fighter....and Oh The Places I'll Go.

Jaimee.

Being Here Is So Much

This past weekend Tiffany and I exchanged rings
On a bridge
In the redwoods.

I know.
It's pretty romantic.

But let me give you a little background story so that you can appreciate it even more.

In August of last year, Tiffany and I left for a 10 day road trip through California.  We hadn't known each other super long at that point, but we were already good friends.  She was easy to be around; easy to talk to.  I liked that I had found someone who played the way I did, someone that I could be excited about life with.

We spent 4 days meandering our way up through beautiful forests, around breathtaking lakes, and through little towns.  On the 5th day we made it to the coast.  And the trees.

Any of you who know me well know that I love trees.  But love seems too small a word.  I feel connected to trees.  Nothing is more spiritual, in my mind, than a tree.  A tree understands the seasons.  It sees the changes in the weather, in humanity, in the landscape, and in itself, all while remaining steadily grounded.  But there was a depth in those redwoods that I had never felt before, those giants who had been around for thousands of years.  There is a sacredness in those woods for which there are no words.

The next 3 days of that trip were full of so much beauty, inside and out.  I was being torn open by those trees, expanding and widening my sense of self.  And experiencing that with Tiffany only intensified the beauty.

On our last day in the redwoods we visited Stout Grove, a section of forest filled with the most beautiful trees I had ever seen.  It was there, in that grove, that I opened myself to love.  While walking alone among those silent giants, I felt them whispering that it was okay.  It was okay to open myself to another person, to let her into my heart.  I had spent the last 2 years on an intense journey of self-discovery, learning to see both the world and myself in new ways, but now the trees were telling me it was okay to let someone else come along for the ride.  It was in that grove that I realized I had been falling in love with her, and falling hard.  That is where everything shifted for me.

Last week, one year after that trip, we returned to Stout Grove and exchanged rings there on a special bridge (I'm sure Tif will tell you more about that).  It has been one hell of a year, full of lots of learning, lots of fun, and lots of love.  Adding another person to your story pushes your own self-discovery to a whole new level.  In the past year I have felt every possible emotion and have discovered things about myself, and about her, that are both beautiful and scary.  The unknown is always a little scary.  But it has been a breathtaking journey that I wouldn't trade for anything.

I have more to say about rings and what I like (and don't like) about them, but I think I'll save that for another post.

My ring has the imprint of a leaf on it, to remind me that seasons change, and I will too, but that if I am rooted in love, anything is possible, including falling in love with the most beautiful soul on earth.  Inside the ring are inscribed the words "being here is so much," which is a quote from my favorite poem, The Ninth Elegy by Rainer Maria Rilke (you can read the whole thing here).


"...being here is so much, and everything
seems to need us in this fleeting world, and 
strangely speaks to us.  Us, the most fleeting. Once
for everything, only once.  Once and no more.  And we, too,
only once.  Never again.  But to have been here,
this once, if only this once:
to have been of the earth seems irrevocable."