How I Fell

I was raised like most every other mormon girl, with the continual pressure, prodding, persuading and brainwashing that i would grow up to be a stay at home mother, with a loving husband and plenty of children. 

Becuase my parents were so restrictive and afraid of everything, as far I knew, the word gay meant happy until i was in college when i would learn that peers i had had in high school had "come out" and i saw the gay kiss between Rachel and Melissa on 'Friends'  (College got weird for me, after that).  I was always taught that men loved women and women loved men and there was nothing else. Nothing else was REAL.  Anything else I would ever hear of or see would be fictitious or between two people who were just playing around like two drunk girls on spring break in Miami, and that those people were misled, or acting out or bad!, but most especially, that those people were definitely not in love.

I kissed boys in my late teens, I dated men in college.  I felt attraction, I liked big, hard, muscle bodied men.  I loved/STILL love my male friends and number them among the most loyal I've ever had.  I have an ease with males that has always been difficult with females.

I've felt drawn to women since I was 12.  I was never allowed to go to friends' sleepover parties but dreamed of being able to make what Anne Shirley of 'Anne of Green Gables' calls, a "bosom friend'!  (no pun seriously intended)  When I was younger, females made me nervous.  I was quiet and self conscious around them, always wanting to stay cool and collected, but I simply came out, instead, the quiet, sweet girl who never spoke.  

Years later at the age of 25, I had renamed myself as a friendly, outgoing woman and involved myself in lots of activities with other women. 

 I was married and living in Philadelphia with my husband of 4 years and my first baby girl.  I had a best friend.  A woman, even!  She and I had met while our husbands went to graduate school in Michigan and when they both got hired on by the same company in Philly, we were thrilled.  She even had her baby girl a month before I had mine.  

It was at this time that I had openly claimed female celebrity crushes, Scarlett Johannsen  and the incomparable Julie Andrews. (YES, I'm serious. she is one classy lady. besides, her as Mary Poppins, mee-oww!) and I was beginning to admit to myself that I truly was attracted to women, although I kept it a deep, fantastical secret that revealed itself in my dreams often. 

My friend and I became inseparable.  Gym, shopping, hanging out, movies, baby stuff, walks, parks, we even went and met one of the cast of 'Twilight' at our local Hot Topic during the 'Twilight' craze.  I loved her. And then I realized, rather terrifyingly, that I didn't have just friend love for her, but I was attracted to her.  

I dreamed sexually about her. I looked away at the gym when she changed, I looked away when she was climbing in the pool in her bikini. I looked away when she washed her gorgeous long hair in the shower afterwards... So much looking away.  So many feelings.  So much wanting. 

She divorced her husband and moved back to her parents house in California. I had my second baby and moved to a little town outside of Houston, Texas.  

That's when I fell in love.  With her.  With the girl of my dreams, and there was no awkward, scared 19 year old, fumbling over words, but a brave, confident woman, ready to be who I really was. 

The first time I saw her, she was at the community swimming pool, sitting on a pool chair in her bikini, impossibly tan, impossibly cool, impossibly sexy!  I was mesmerized and drawn as if by an invisible electric tentacle. When I saw her I thought 'I want to be her friend' and Before I knew it, i was saying, "Hi, I'm Mina."

And she replied in her impossibly adorable accent, "Hey. I'm Veronica".

And the rest... Is for next time. 

Please Bite

Hi there!  I'm Mz. W.

It's not technically my day to post, but I wanted to introduce myself a little before next Wednesday when you can expect to see my first post here on LGBT Voices.

I am in love with a woman, live with my boyfriend, was married to a man with whom I have two cute as hell daughters.

I have  a penchant for mischief and I've been kicked out of more than two bars in Salt Lake City alone. (always a good time). Every Saturday I play football with my friends and my favorite color is the shade of blue that is a swimming pool on the hottest day of summer.  It's not always fun and games though, I am currently working toward finishing my MBA in Operations Management.

I love women. I like men.

I can't wait to tell you stories, and I would be happy to answer questions.  Things I want to discuss: sexuality (of course), coming out and not coming out, comparisons of man and woman, forgiveness and forgiving, self acceptance and many other things.

Talk to you on Wednesday!

Acceptance of Oneself

I relate to three very distinct identities, and I’ll go over each one-at-a-time. The first one, being LDS/Mormon, has been deeply engrained in me as a kid and stuck with me, even during a period of time where I didn’t consider myself one. The values and morals I learned came strongly from my family and extended family, most all of them being LDS in some degree. So I guess you could say that particular others played a strong role in how I viewed myself that way.

It wasn’t always this way, however. Because I also am a member of the GLBT community, I viewed myself when I first came out to my family and friends as not involved in any way with the LDS religion. But as time progressed, I realized that I wasn’t happy with not having religion in my life, and it was my constant feeling as time progressed. Religion was what I based my life on, gay or not, and it gave me happiness in a way that couldn’t be found in any other way.  Secondly, I consider myself musically gifted, as I mentioned.

I’ve taken piano for 9 years and played for about 15 years now, and enjoy expressing myself through this medium. This is important to me because of both the particular other (my family and friends) and the generalized other in mix. The first one is obvious: I enjoy being able to touch my close friends’ lives through music, a medium that I understand and can use. However, I also want to influence society at large, and society can be taught so many great norms that I can do through music. Some of these include temperance, love, devotion, happiness, and so forth. It isn’t about attention for me but rather what I can communicate through music that I cannot otherwise.

Finally, I consider myself somewhat of a geek. This was engrained on me since childhood, as I was considered very smart and into new things. I constantly wanted to be challenged, and even some of my old teachers mentioned that I would get bored easily because I felt like I wasn’t being challenged enough. Plus, I found I love using technology, namely computers and so forth. I’ve worked in technical support for a major wireless company, which I loved doing and could fix virtually any problem that was presented to me. At first, I considered it a negative label because I didn’t have many friends and was constantly teased as a kid. But as time went on, I accepted this as part of who I am, and quite frankly, I love knowing that much more than some of my peers. It’s an identity which I love to show out there.  Moving on, there were many identities that I have that have changed over time, such as being a Democrat/Liberal, open-minded, humorous, and pro-gay.

I will elaborate on being open-minded, for I wasn’t there for a time. It was a difficult change for me because in the LDS religion, you’re taught to view things of a negative nature as bad and to not explore them for fear of temptation to do evil or sin. I’m sure this is how it is with many religions, but it is strongly expressed in this religion.  Well, I did because I knew I was gay, something that completely contradicted the church, and so I ventured out into that aspect of myself. These experiences made me realize that I need to accept things objectively. Great and awesome ideas come from those outside of the church while at the same time hurtful and detrimental ideas also come, which made me inquisitive into how everyone works out to be. It’s simple really: I can be exposed to anything I would like but don’t have to take it at face-value. I can, for myself, decide whether something is of worth to involve myself with or to shun out based on my personality and beliefs.

Being involved with the LGBT community has taught me that. Now I’m happy to be open-minded to anything and everything and not take a side until I understand both sides.  Finally, on the activity of those who gave me traits, I was pretty surprised at what people view me to be. I consider myself very shy just because I don’t have many friends and don’t like talking one-on-one with people. I get intimidated and scrambling for things to say because I don’t usually stand out in a crowd. Why I mention this is because I had nearly half the class say I have an outspoken or outgoing personality. I do definitely in class because I’m passionate about learning (always have been), so in that respect, I can see why people would see this in me.  I will admit, however: I would love to be known as outspoken in real life. I guess it’s my past that changed how I viewed myself. I was always shy as a small kid, and I guess it carried over into the person I am today. Maybe I should get out more and enjoy life and talk to people. I’m sure they can’t hurt me, right?

(Excerpt from my Thinkpiece III assignment- COMM 1010)

Introductions and Greetings!

I

Well good morning and hello! Is the graphic a bit much? ;)

I found a request for "Breaking the Silence" for blogging, and I'm happy to be able to write for them! It took me a bit to get started, but I'm happy to report I'll be writing just random things, posts, requests, poems, and personal experiences as it relates to my own ideas. So without further ado, let's begin!

I guess the best way to start is by introducing who I am and why I want to blog. My name is Terence Waters, a 29-year-old gay man living in Salt Lake City.  I currently do freelance work, graphic design mainly, along with another full-time job, being a full-time student, and have many hobbies. I've found a lot of enjoyment in various activities, but particularly in the arts, including playing music and piano, the theatre, drawing/sketching, reading and writing, blogging, public speaking, technology and telecommunications, PCs, dining out, networking, and the business world. I also crave knowledge, for reading is a beautiful thing, especially when it involves current events and so forth. I'll constantly post interesting reads I've found on Twitter, Facebook, and Google+, and love just gaining insight on anything and everything!

In my personal life, I've experienced quite a bit in my coming out story and sexuality, and I hope that somehow my experiences I write about in my blog posts touch those who decide to read them. I hope to also help some of those experiencing trouble dealing with same-sex attraction, especially in wake of the LDS (Mormon) Church and its principles, for I was exactly in that same place. Because of my experiences and trials, I found that reaching out was the best way to help me deal with my worries and feelings, and maybe my blog posts can help you as the reader if you're in this situation as well.

To backtrack, I was (and technically still am) a former member, and still recall how difficult it was to be able to come out and talk about myself to my family, my friends, even to me solely. My father was a Bishop and Stake High Councilman, my mother a Relief Society President, both still married, enjoying life, and worked hard for their income each day to provide for our family.

As for me, I was in the Aaronic Priesthood, consequently trying to understand the urges I was feeling as a teenager while at the same time being full-time in school, working through life, landing a scholarship for college, and graduating as one of the top students in my high school class. After coming out (i.e. explaining openly that I am a gay male) during college, I then experienced various trials, confusion, and even diseases and health problems in relation to trying to find my true self. But through constant understanding and love for myself, great emotional and spiritual help, and overall amazing friends and family, now I can truly say I am a happy person for being the person I am today: gay, a designer, and a newly mature man based on my trials and experiences received. It is not just about the same-sex attraction in my life; rather, it is instead a part of me that still allows me to be a productive member of society...which I now can say has enlightened my life.

I plan to use a lot of these details (both good and bad) in future blogs, for I do not wish to bore you personally as my reader right off the bat here. Instead, I wished to give you an understanding and knowledge of what it is I truly wish to write about and to introduce myself to you, the reader of my post in "Breaking the Silence". I'm rather excited to get started and share some of my personal experiences and life's journeys to better help you, the reader, see what great things a man or a woman can achieve while also being a part of the LDS/Mormon AND LGBT Community. And also, I'll add some fun stuff, like poetry, random, appropriate jokes I'll encounter, and even personal experiences that I hope will entertain and inspire you!

Finally, I welcome comments and will read each one received. Feel free to ask questions, and I will make a reasonable effort to respond if I am able. :) Come, my fellow reader, and explore with me the deep, inner regions, of my inner psyche. Be amused, entertained, and uplifted ;)

~Terence Waters
@terrokkinit on Twitter
Terence Waters on Facebook

Policy of Politics: Being Involved in the LGBT Mormon Movement

Now that I have established where I’ve been in last week’s vlog, I feel more confident in journeying forward. And though I do not know where my journey will take me and where I’ll end up, I do know that I want to do my part in creating safe and accepting spaces for LGBT-identified individuals within the LDS church. And while many may think this an impossible goal, the reality is that there are many activists working toward this common goal.

As I immerse myself in political causes and activism, I find it helpful to set some ground rules initially. Here are a few points I’d like to incorporate into my own politics as I work towards creating acceptable spaces for queer Mormons.

1. It’s about the power, not the identity

            Rather than rally around our identity of sexuality, we need to rally around our position to power, more specifically God. The idea of using relationship to power as the basis for coalitional politics is theorized by Cathy Cohen in “Punks, Bulldaggers, and Welfare Queens: The Radical Potential of Queer Politics.” If we truly apply biblical teachings that we are all his children, equally loved by him, and that our duty is to love one another, then members who don’t identify as straight can be included in the conception of the LDS church. Each of us is here on this Earth to experience life and learn what we need to before returning with our Heavenly Father. And that's something that *everyone* is and should be doing, regardless of sexuality or romantic relationships.

2. There’s strength in interfaith

             In addition to resisting to center politics around sexual identities, it may become useful to resist rallying exclusively around the identity of Mormon as well. I attended the “Circling the Wagons” conference in San Francisco last summer. As part of the conference, an interfaith worship service was held. This was, singlehandedly, one of the most spiritual and neatest experiences of my life. Not only was this personally useful, but helped me to realize that socially, the acceptance of LGBT members in religious spaces isn’t only a problem confined to the Mormon church. The point to include other faiths resists building a community around identity and prioritizing one identity with another, as noted in Miranda Joseph’s “Introduction: Persistent Critique Relentless Return” from her book Against the Romance of Community. And while religions may vary and spaces based on sect are still useful, politically uniting various religions is useful as it focuses on religion’s, as a whole, denial to queer worshipers the same treatment as their straight counterparts. In other words, it reiterates Cohen’s point on rallying around one’s relation to power and not identity (our religious ones, in this case).

3. A shift from politics of shame to politics of humility

            In collectively organizing, it is important to recognize the varying identities and experiences those who I am working with have. People involved in the LGBT Mormon movement are not all just gay, white men: these participants vary in gender, sexual identities, romantic relationships, and – most prominently – activity levels within the Church. While some remain active and attend church services, others choose not to do so. In collectively organizing, it is important to refrain from shaming other people and their experiences. Moreover, there should not be a hierarchy that privileges certain people and experiences over others. Instead, a politics of humility, where each individual is embraced and welcomed, should be stressed. For further reading about the politics of humility, the text “What’s Queer About Queer Studies Now” by David L. Eng with Judith Halberstam and Jose Estaban Munoz does an excellent job of dissecting this.  

Soundtrack to 2012

I look forward to the end of the year for one main reason: compiling a playlist of the year’s best songs. And while I would love to share that entire playlist, 187 songs and descriptions of them would make an incredibly long, and tiresome, post. Instead, here are 10 highlights for me from 2012, in no particular order.

1. "Cuckoo" – Adam Lambert

As a proud Glambert, I was elated when Trespassing came out, and even more elated to see Adam perform “Cuckoo” at an outdoors summer concert. 2012 only cemented my allegiance to him.

2. "Leave My Body" – Florence + the Machine

I had the privilege of seeing Florence + the Machine perform live in April. And when the goddess-like Florence Welch sang this song…chills.

3. "Forrest Gump" – Frank Ocean

Coming out on Tumblr, releasing the epic Channel Orange, and receiving six Grammy nominations? It’s been a pretty good year for Mr. Ocean.

4. "One Foot" – Fun.

“I put one foot in front of the other one/I don’t need a new love or a new life/Just a better place to die”

5. "Part of Me" – Katy Perry

(I was gonna put a line or two from this song, but I ended up wanting to put all the lyrics lol).

6. "National Anthem" – Lana Del Rey

Lana Del Rey was a staple for me throughout 2012. Her album Born to Die has some of the most plays in my iTunes library. And while some tracks have come in and out of fads, “National Anthem” has consistently been a favorite of mine.

7. "Bad Girls" – M.I.A.

Banging beat. Empowering lyrics. Dope music video. Greatness achieved.

8. "Same Love" – Macklemore and Ryan Lewis

This pro gay anthem that went viral in fall thrust Macklemore and producer Ryan Lewis into mainstream pop culture. The rest of their album, The Heist, does not disappoint fans.

9. "Fear and Loathing" – Marina and the Diamonds

“There is no crime in being kind/Not everyone is out to screw you over/ Maybe, oh just maybe, they just wanna get to know you.”

10. "Disparate Youth" – Santigold

“Now we push right past to find out/Oh, how to win what they all lost/We know now we want more/A life worth fighting for”                                                           

And of course, Demi Lovato, Imagine Dragons, and Nicki Minaj must be thanked for their contributions to 2012. 

A Time Out from the World

“You can’t always be reacting. You need a space where you can just be.”

As my Black Studies lecture came to an end, I scribbled down this piece of advice from my professor before packing my things and leaving. She explained that there are many stereotypes, oppressions, and political and social forces one can react to. However, reacting all the time to these things is not healthy for us individually, and we need a time and place to escape reacting and to just be us, knowing that who we are and how we are is beautiful and enough, contrary to how larger social forces paint us. Being involved with politics and being surrounded by others enlisted in the same battle, I found this quote very applicable. With the multitude around me always fighting and involved in some political issue or another, this unanticipated and fresh piece of advice rang true in my mind.

If my political/reacting self were who I am all the time, I would be a different person. I would be an angry, pessimistic, aggressive person who keeps pushing his individual wants and needs onto others (at least I hope I’m not like this normally). It becomes necessary, then, for me to separate my political self from my personal self. But more so than this, politics and current laws have nothing to say about my personal life. Even though same-sex marriage is largely unavailable, I’m still going to date men and even settle down with one, should that happen for me. No matter what happens to me politically, I’m still going to be me personally.

This is not to say that political happenings should be completely disregarded. Politics and having people fight for a cause is vital, and I am incredibly grateful for those who do this for others. Indeed, laws exist and are being created to limit our rights and the rights of others. It’s necessary to fight against this discrimination and wide scale oppression, because these laws can make an impact on us personally. What I am saying, however, correlates with the idea of “leaving my work at work.” Ultimately, what happens on a larger scale level should not limit how I act or behave personally. Even if same-sex marriage never gets legalized in all 50 states, should that prevent me from falling in love and settling down with my partner of the same sex? No.

Nietzsche said it best when he said, “Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster.” In taking care of ourselves, it becomes vital to not always be reacting to social forces, and separating the political self from the personal self. While what happens politically may affect me personally, it will never stop me from having the personal life I want. The government does not personally know my name, face, who I am, or my individual case. Why, then, should I let them be a part of my life?

The Stereotypical Gay Man Will Marry Your Girlfriend

Deny gay men the right to marry each other? Fine, straight guys, they'll just marry your girlfriends. This is the argument that the last CollegeHumor video makes. I've seen countless Facebook posts linking this video; it's gone viral fast. And while the video garners support for same sex marriage in a funny and thought provoking way, the video isn't flawless. Perhaps I'm not too fond of the stereotypes of gay men that the video reinforces, such as gay men having the perfect bodies, being fashionable, enthusiastic about visual artistry, etc. And I'm not even addressing the "gay best friend" role gay men are often cast into with their female friends.

But despite these irritations, the video is still an effective way to raise support for same sex marriage and presents an interesting solution: don't want to lose your girlfriend? Get rid of the [threatening] competition by allowing them to marry one another. Because if you can't do it out of the kindness and decency of your heart, maybe the threat of losing your beloved girlfriend to another, more qualified man will change your mind.

Watch the video HERE.

Ode to a Gay Blogger

My coming out story has been tumultuous to say the least and, unfortunately, it is far from over.  I can say, however, that the greatest strides I’ve made with loving who I am and coming to terms with myself has happened since I started writing for this blog.  Truth be told, my co-authors have helped me cultivate a greater understanding of what it means to be gay and, more importantly, what it means to be me and I will be forever in their debt.

So, I dedicate this post to my lovely co-contributors here at Breaking the Silence, I love all of you!

Lee – 

I know you’re new and I don’t know you that well but I am grateful for your example.  The courage I have already seen you display on this blog and in person truly astound me.  I am much older than you (in fact, you make me feel old but that is entirely beside the point) but you are strides ahead of me in this life and I look up to you in so many ways.

Your strength and example of coming out and being proud of who you are at such a young age is not only impressive, but it is also a testament to your courage and character.  Thank you for sharing your voice with this blog and being a positive example to countless others.  You have truly become one of my heroes.

Bailey – 

You are such a lovely person and I am so grateful you let me into your life a little bit more each week.  We’ve never met and I don’t know that we will ever have the opportunity to meet – this makes me sad.  I hope that one day our paths will cross because you are such a unique and fascinating individual and I know my life would be greatly enriched.  You have so much personality and a strength about you that I think is incredibly rare; love who you are and let your beautiful light shine! You are amazing!

Thank you for taking us on your weekly adventures and sharing your story. I know life can be very challenging and, from what you’ve shared, you may have additional challenges that we haven’t had to address.  I just hope you know that you are loved by many and that all of us on the blog are grateful for who you are and we are all rooting for you!  I also hope you know that you have changed my life for the better.  Thank you for being you!

Dupree – 

I love the visual journeys you often take me on.  I love hearing your dreams, your goals, your frustrations, and your loves.  Your strength and willingness to be who you are so openly and willingly is truly beautiful.  I am so glad you have stuck with the blog and I know that you will continue to bless all of your readers with your sweet personality and outstanding charisma.

I am also grateful for your courage to be so open with your mother, your coworkers, and everyone on Facebook.  I don’t know when I will get to that point (and I will, eventually) but I am so impressed with your strength and I hope you know how wonderful and refreshing it is to watch you be you – all of you – in such a public forum.  Thank you for your sterling example.

Tiff –

First of all, thank you for starting and maintaining this blog.  I know you have been to hell and back and I am so grateful for the example you have been to me and to the countless others who read and share this blog.  The wonderful impact you have made on me and continue to make on others is outstanding. I cannot adequately express my gratitude and love for you!

On a personal level, I am so glad I have had the opportunity to meet you and be counted as one of your friends.  You are a beautiful ball of energy and love and I cannot remember meeting anyone who loves life and enjoys the beauty of the world around us as easily and readily as you.  Thank you for your courage and conviction and your love.  You mean the world to me and I am so glad you are in my life!

Jo –

My dear, once-long-lost friend, I am so grateful you are back in my life.  You are wonderful in every sense of the word.  I don’t think I have ever met anyone so genuine and caring in my whole life!  The authentic manner you live your life is not only encouraging, it is impressive.  I just love you so much!

Thank you for posting your LGBT Voices entries on Facebook so I could anonymously read them until finally, one day, I had the courage to “like” your status and ask you to submit a guest post.  Within a week or two I was the new Monday blogger and I haven’t looked back since.  You are, in large part, responsible for helping me find my voice and myself.  I will be forever grateful for your beautiful example and for your sweet patience with me.  Thank you for everything and I truly hope you know that you are one of my favorite people (you always have been – at least when I wasn’t jealous of your unnatural musical ability!!!).  Much love to you – always and forever!

Chewed Up and Spit Out

Trigger Warning: Sexual Abuse, Assault, and Rape

Last week I mentioned that Pride was both wonderful and horrible at the same time.  It was wonderful because I was able to see a world of diversity that I hadn’t seen before.  It was beautiful because I saw a spectrum of color and variety that I hadn’t allowed myself to acknowledge.  And, finally, it was a chance to validate myself and find more courage to become my own authentic person.

It was horrible, however, because I was raped by someone who I thought was one of my best friends and his boy friend.

Friday night, before the festival opened, I was invited to go clubbing with a friend from college and his partner.  I was excited to experience Pride weekend and what better way to do it than by hitting up a gay bar with a group of gay friends.

It’s important to know that these people weren’t strangers. I had known my friend for more than five years and I also knew his boy friend (they’ve been dating for about six months). 

 

They still live in Utah County so they decided to rent a hotel room in Salt Lake City. They invited me to their room to start drinking before we made it to the club.  Drinking in bars is so expensive so why not save as much as you can by “pre-gaming” before you get there, right?

Well, I like to drink and I know it takes A LOT for me to feel anything so I helped myself to a couple of mixed drinks at the hotel as well as an 8-10 oz. Dixie-cup shot of pure pineapple vodka (no ice, just straight liquor).  I hadn’t been drunk in close to two years and I really wanted to let my hair down.

Well, we quickly made it to the bar and continued drinking. At least six bar drinks later, I was three-sheets to the wind and the club was closing.   

We took a cab to Denny’s and after we ordered, it became even more evident that the alcohol was taking its toll on me.  I couldn’t sit up in the booth and I definitely couldn’t eat or walk, and I could barely even talk.

Almost immediately after receiving our food, the three of us left the restaurant and walked across the street to the hotel.  While on our way back, I distinctly remember saying that I didn’t care what they did in their bed, as long as it stayed in their bed and they left me alone.

When we got to the hotel room, I immediately got into bed and, just before passing out, one of the guys gave me a glass of water and some ibuprofen. “You need to take this, it will help with your hangover tomorrow morning,” he said.

I felt safe. 

I passed out.

I don’t know how much time elapsed and, I’ll be honest, my next memories are all very broken and disjointed.

I am not going to go into detail but I was sexually assaulted in every way a man can be assaulted by another man.  Every time I said “no” and garnered enough strength to push off or pull away, they found another part of me to violate. 

These two men had been asking me to make an ‘MJ sandwich’ since December and I have been telling them “no” since then. 

Likewise, I told them “no” when we were all sober when the night began.

I told them “no” at the bar.

I told them “no” at Denny’s. 

 

I told them “no” on the walk back to the hotel.

And, in my drunken, passed-out state during the exchange, I remember saying “no, I’m not ready.”

I remember many things about that night; most of which I wish I did not.  Even when everything was happening, in between blacking out and then being forcibly brought back to consciousness, I remember thinking, “this is my fault,” and “why am I so stupid, how did I let this happen?” And then I would try and force myself to black out again – and I would.

I felt so guilty and dirty and responsible for letting myself get that drunk that I told myself that I deserved what was happening and that maybe if I just let them, they’d finish faster and it would all be over.

In that moment, I had convinced myself I deserved to be raped while the other guy took pictures. I deserved to have both of them violate me without any form of protection and, in that vein of thought, I believed that losing my virginity in such vile, disgusting way was my just reward.

Why? 

Because I am gay.

In the last conversation I had with my mother she told me, “if you decide to live the gay lifestyle, it will chew you up and spit you out.”

And, in that moment, I believed her.

Four or five hours later I came to, alone in the bed and half naked.  I put the rest of my clothes on that had been pulled off me and left the hotel room.

For the next two hours I walked downtown Salt Lake City in an effort to burn off the rest of the alcohol in my system before I took a taxi back to my car and I drove home.

Over the next few days I battled myself and my emotions.  I tried to justify their behavior. Similarly I continued to blame myself. 

Eventually, however, I sought out  friends who truly love me and support me and they referred me to several invaluable resources.

As I’ve reached out to support groups and hotlines and medical professionals, I have come to understand that this wasn’t my fault.  I wasn’t raped because I was drunk or because I'm gay, I was raped because my supposed friends are rapists.

No means no.

While speaking with the Utah Pride Hotline, I was told that this happens a lot.  That predators feed off of newly “out” members of the LGBTQ community because they are easy targets.  Similarly, while on the phone with the Rape Recovery Hotline, I was told that one in six men is a survivor of sexual assault and rape.

I am horrified that this happened to me.  I never thought it would, I never thought it could – I am enormous and I played sports. I didn’t think anyone would even consider doing something to someone as large as me.  I never thought it was even a possibility.  But, beyond my own pain, I am even more disgusted by how frequently this happens and by how many boys and young men are affected. 

 

It makes me sick(er).

So, if you are a survivor or you know someone who has been assaulted, please know that you are not alone.  Please use the resources that are available to you and, most importantly, know that you are not alone, that you are loved and that this wasn’t your fault.

There are many side effects associated with an experience like this.  I don’t know exactly how my personal journey will play out, or how this experience will affect me long term, but I do know that I am strong enough to weather the challenges that have already popped up and that may arise in the future.  I also know that with the right resources and support anyone else in this or a similar situation can also survive and thrive.

If you or anyone you know needs someone to talk to, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me.  It’s tough but we can all heal together.

Resources:

Below are a few of the resources that I've found to help me through this experience.

http://www.raperecoverycenter.com/ - They have a 24-hour crisis hotline at 801-467-7273. This is a predominantly female-centric resource but they have been trained and are very generous with male (especially gay/bisexual) survivors, too.

http://www.rainn.org/get-information/types-of-sexual-assault/male-sexual-assault - There is a wealth of resources and information here too.

Me – Please reach out to me if you need any support; I will do all I can to help you.

Google – Truly, if you Google “Male Survivors of Sexual Assault” you will see a wealth of resources that can and will help you.

50 Followers!!! and LGBTS Flash Fiction

Hello Everyone! We now have Fifty Followers. 50!!
We also have 38,421 page views. That's a lot.

I just thought this might be a nice time to celebrate.

I've also had someone submit a few flash fiction pieces to me and it got me thinking about how cool it would be to have a few LGBTS fiction pieces on here.

So, if you like to write fiction and you like to do it in a flash--send in your pieces. Flash fiction is supposed to be short. Concise. Clean. The word-count limit is 75-100 words. Leave out the "to be" verbs, the adverbs, and the excessive adjectives. Get your creative mind cranking!

Send your submissions to tiffanydemings@gmail.com

~live your own truth~