Bi. Sexuality.

Erin's Post about Biphobia and Bisexuality was super interesting and maybe it's because I live in my own world where it simply is normal and real to be able to fall in love with either men or women, but I didn't realize that "we" truly are labeled as either gay or straight.

I'm here to talk more about this and am stating, as I have told my sisters and friends: I am bisexual.

While reading Erin's post, I felt my heart fail at times when I realized that it's true, when I tell men that I am bisexual, they assume that I simply have lesbian tendencies.  When I tell my girlfriends that I like women or that I fell in love with a woman i get "so are you going to go be a lesbian with her?" When I tell women that I'm bisexual, they assume I just like to sleep with anyone I can.

I hate that.

I am often attracted to many men and many women, but I have fallen in love with five men.  I've fallen in love with two women.  And the thing is: I truly LOVE them.  That love with each of them has waxed strong at times, and fallen to the gutters at times.  Sometimes it was too short, but has left me with so many beautiful memories and at the moments we loved one another, it was an essential part of living.  I needed those people at the times I had their love.  Most of them I am still close with, but a few are gone forever leaving twinges of heartache and some sadness and feelings of 'what if'.

There's this girl... She's got the prettiest dimples and this crazy wavy hair.  We've gotten really close.  I like her a lot.  When she drinks too much, I take her home and tuck her into bed.  She's beautiful and sweet, she cares about people and has dreams for herself.  Her mother is an alcoholic and abuses prescription drugs, she wasn't cared for as an adolescent.  She loathes her upbringing and loves good parenting.  She's getting a degree and wants to be amazing.  I say she IS amazing.

There's this guy at work.  He's in a different department than I am, but he passes through my area every morning and we have built a sort of flirtatious bond.  He has two boys 8 and 9 years old, and I imagine him to be the very best of the very sweetest dads.  The monday after my birthday, he stopped and said "M! How was your birthday?!", and listened attentively to my regaling.  I have the biggest crush on him and my co-workers tease me after he leaves. My face flushes and they laugh.

These are real feelings.

When I was in a relationship with Q, after I had to stop my correspondence with Veronica, I felt like I was in a relationship where my sexuality meant that I was a cheater who was always looking at women.  I felt like I couldn't be me, because I couldn't be open about the fact that YES, I am very attracted to women.  To him, that meant that I only wanted to be with women.  I feel like if my bisexuality had been treated with respect, our bond could have evolved into something wonderful and we could have become closer than ever.  But I felt trapped, I felt like I was living a lie when I was more nervous to tell Q that I was hanging out with my girlfriends than my guy friends for the sole reason that he would think I was screwing around.  Where my bisexuality was concerned, because I did love him, it was lustful, rather than the true love feelings that I am capable of feeling for any gender or gender association.

People are people and I am capable of loving anyone.  I think all people should feel free to feel the same.  Love who you love, because life is short and (in my A-theist opinion) you only live it once.  Make the most of your relationships, enjoy your crushes, blossom in the feelings you feel for other human beings.  These are not moments to waste, but to cherish and bask in.

First Crush

My oldest is eight years old and last year she had her first crush.

I had for gotten that it can happen that young.

There were others that she would talk about with her friend. Exclamations such as, "Oh he is so cute." and "Everybody LOVES so-and-so." abounded. Laughing and teasing ebbed and flowed as it does with children.

But with this one, this one was different. My little girl would blush. She would blush, or be excited, or get this dreamy little look on her face.

One day she was self aware enough to ask me this question.

"Mommy, whenever I am with Abby, or when I think about her, it feels like there are all of these butterflies flying around in my tummy and on my skin. What does that mean?"

My little girl had a crush. My little girl had a crush on a girl. And for all the teasing and proclamations of crushes in the past, she had no idea that what she was feeling was the real deal.

For a split second I had a surge of questions in my head. Could this be a phase? Will she be gay? Will she be bi/pan/queer like me? What would be easier? Is it already too late for my baby to have a simple happy life? How will she figure this out? When will she figure this out?

My little girl had barely started elementary school and already I was trying label her experiences and fit them into a neat little box. Feelings and experiences that weren't even mine.

I took a deep breath and looked into my daughter's stunning blue-green eyes. Then I tried to give her what I was still looking for. Freedom. Freedom to decide for herself what things meant and how it was to experience them. I hope for her sake, she'll have the freedom to follow those butterflies wherever they lead.