Trigger Warning: Sexual Abuse, Assault, and Rape
Last week I mentioned that Pride was both wonderful and
horrible at the same time. It was
wonderful because I was able to see a world of diversity that I hadn’t seen
before. It was beautiful because I saw a
spectrum of color and variety that I hadn’t allowed myself to acknowledge. And, finally, it was a chance to validate
myself and find more courage to become my own authentic person.
It was horrible, however, because I was raped by someone who
I thought was one of my best friends and his boy friend.
Friday night, before the festival opened, I was invited to
go clubbing with a friend from college and his partner. I was excited to experience Pride weekend and
what better way to do it than by hitting up a gay bar with a group of gay
friends.
It’s important to know that these people weren’t strangers.
I had known my friend for more than five years and I also knew his boy friend
(they’ve been dating for about six months).
They still live in Utah County so they decided to rent a
hotel room in Salt Lake City. They invited me to their room to start drinking
before we made it to the club. Drinking
in bars is so expensive so why not save as much as you can by “pre-gaming”
before you get there, right?
Well, I like to drink and I know it takes A LOT for me to feel anything so I
helped myself to a couple of mixed drinks at the hotel as well as an 8-10 oz.
Dixie-cup shot of pure pineapple vodka (no ice, just straight liquor). I hadn’t been drunk in close to two years and
I really wanted to let my hair down.
Well, we quickly made it to the bar and continued drinking.
At least six bar drinks later, I was three-sheets to the wind and the club was
closing.
We took a cab to Denny’s and after
we ordered, it became even more evident that the alcohol was taking its toll on
me. I couldn’t sit up in the booth and I
definitely couldn’t eat or walk, and I could barely even talk.
Almost immediately after receiving our food, the three of us
left the restaurant and walked across the street to the hotel. While on our way back, I distinctly remember
saying that I didn’t care what they did in their bed, as long as it stayed in
their bed and they left me alone.
When we got to the hotel room, I immediately got into bed
and, just before passing out, one of the guys gave me a glass of water and some
ibuprofen. “You need to take this, it will help with your hangover tomorrow
morning,” he said.
I felt safe.
I passed out.
I don’t know how much time elapsed and, I’ll be honest, my next
memories are all very broken and disjointed.
I am not going to go into detail but I was sexually
assaulted in every way a man can be assaulted by another man. Every time I said “no” and garnered enough
strength to push off or pull away, they found another part of me to violate.
These two men had been asking me to make an ‘MJ sandwich’
since December and I have been telling them “no” since then.
Likewise, I told them
“no” when we were all sober when the night began.
I told them “no” at
the bar.
I told them “no” at Denny’s.
I told them “no” on the walk back to the hotel.
And, in my drunken, passed-out state during the exchange, I
remember saying “no, I’m not ready.”
I remember many things about that night; most of which I
wish I did not. Even when everything was
happening, in between blacking out and then being forcibly brought back to
consciousness, I remember thinking, “this is my fault,” and “why am I so
stupid, how did I let this happen?” And then I would try and force myself to
black out again – and I would.
I felt so guilty and dirty and responsible for letting
myself get that drunk that I told myself that I deserved what was happening and
that maybe if I just let them, they’d finish faster and it would all be over.
In that moment, I had convinced myself I deserved to be
raped while the other guy took pictures. I deserved to have both of them
violate me without any form of protection and, in that vein of thought, I
believed that losing my virginity in such vile, disgusting way was my just
reward.
Why?
Because I am gay.
In the last conversation I had with my mother she told me,
“if you decide to live the gay lifestyle, it will chew you up and spit you
out.”
And, in that moment, I believed her.
Four or five hours later I came to, alone in the bed and
half naked. I put the rest of my clothes
on that had been pulled off me and left the hotel room.
For the next two hours I walked downtown Salt Lake City in
an effort to burn off the rest of the alcohol in my system before I took a taxi
back to my car and I drove home.
Over the next few days I battled myself and my
emotions. I tried to justify their
behavior. Similarly I continued to blame myself.
Eventually, however, I sought out friends who truly love me and support me and
they referred me to several invaluable resources.
As I’ve reached out
to support groups and hotlines and medical professionals, I have come to understand
that this wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t
raped because I was drunk or because I'm gay, I was raped because my supposed friends are rapists.
No means no.
While speaking with the Utah Pride Hotline, I was told that
this happens a lot. That predators feed
off of newly “out” members of the LGBTQ community because they are easy
targets. Similarly, while on the phone
with the Rape Recovery Hotline, I was told that one in six men is a survivor of
sexual assault and rape.
I am horrified that this happened to me. I never thought it would, I never thought it
could – I am enormous and I played sports. I didn’t think anyone would even
consider doing something to someone as large as me. I never thought it was even a
possibility. But, beyond my own pain, I
am even more disgusted by how frequently this happens and by how many boys and
young men are affected.
It makes me sick(er).
So, if you are a survivor or you know someone who has been
assaulted, please know that you are not alone.
Please use the resources that are available to you and, most
importantly, know that you are not alone, that you are loved and that this
wasn’t your fault.
There are many side effects associated with an experience
like this. I don’t know exactly how my
personal journey will play out, or how this experience will affect me long
term, but I do know that I am strong enough to weather the challenges that have
already popped up and that may arise in the future. I also know that with the right resources and
support anyone else in this or a similar situation can also survive and thrive.
If you or anyone you know needs someone to talk to, please
don’t hesitate to reach out to me. It’s
tough but we can all heal together.
Resources:
Below are a few of the resources that I've found to help me through this experience.
http://www.raperecoverycenter.com/
- They have a 24-hour crisis hotline at 801-467-7273. This is a predominantly
female-centric resource but they have been trained and are very generous with
male (especially gay/bisexual) survivors, too.
Me – Please reach out to me if you need any support; I will
do all I can to help you.
Google – Truly, if you Google “Male Survivors of Sexual
Assault” you will see a wealth of resources that can and will help you.
