Matt here.
My roommate who used to be Mormon and our Mormon friend and I were hanging out a while back after having dinner. Maybe it's just me, but I feel a weird dynamic in that threesome. There's a hunger in the air from the gay ones to be part of that world again, and a whistfulness from the straight one that I at least interpret as a longing to get out of it. The conversation always drifts to Mormonism, our old ward and who's dating who and who might be moving to Utah to chase that person they've been not-dating for years and callings and age limits and I miss it.
I miss parts of it. I miss having a cohort. I miss having a Plan. I don't miss feeling utterly separate from my cohort or finding my love at odds with the Plan.
Honestly, I'm sitting in front of a trendy cafe in Berkeley, sipping too-sweet cocoa and watching a farmer's market get set up, and I feel like if there were a syringe of Mormonism in front of me, I'd shoot up. If it were Sunday, I'd be on my way to the chapel, t-shirt notwithstanding. If I were sitting across from a bishop, I'd ask for help. I want the plan and the cohort pretty bad right now. My life is good, but it's misted with uncertainty. The Navy has somehow still not given me a decision about my officer application and may continue not giving me a decision into the new year. My roommates are planning to move in the unknown but nearish future. My new job starts in a couple days, and though I think I'll like it it's hard to tell beforehand. And then there's dating!
It all comes together to make me crave stability, certainty--a cohort, a Plan. I don't know that I've ever found that outside of Mormonism. Certainly not to the extent of eternity in both directions.
I'm glad it isn't Sunday. All the promises of Mormonism notwithstanding, the endless childhood repetitions of their story notwithstanding, goodwill and friendliness of the members notwithstanding, it's all spoiled by my disbelief ( / its falsehood, if you want to see it that way.) I don't believe, so the cohort can't be mine even if they want to. I don't believe, so the Plan is just a bad fit.
***
Postscript: I felt ill and depressed all that day and the next. I chatted with my sister, and after she'd heard all the evidence she chalked it up to recent love life angst--efforts were thwarted a couple different times by a couple different people.
It's interesting that the first thing I thought of to try and fill the "significant other" gap was Mormonism. Makes sense; they're pretty well interwoven. I'm glad I didn't try to make myself feel better by going to church, though. Mormonism isn't what I really wanted, though there's a lot of overlap and similarity.
Mormonism is like a McGriddle. Sometimes I think it's exactly what I need, but every time I partake I feel sick after. The trouble has always been knowing what I'm actually craving and how to satisfy it.
***
I forgot about this guy. I like him.
***
Happy Affirmation conference! Maybe next time I'll show up just to rub elbows with all y'all.
Postscript: I felt ill and depressed all that day and the next. I chatted with my sister, and after she'd heard all the evidence she chalked it up to recent love life angst--efforts were thwarted a couple different times by a couple different people.
It's interesting that the first thing I thought of to try and fill the "significant other" gap was Mormonism. Makes sense; they're pretty well interwoven. I'm glad I didn't try to make myself feel better by going to church, though. Mormonism isn't what I really wanted, though there's a lot of overlap and similarity.
Mormonism is like a McGriddle. Sometimes I think it's exactly what I need, but every time I partake I feel sick after. The trouble has always been knowing what I'm actually craving and how to satisfy it.
***
I forgot about this guy. I like him.
***
Happy Affirmation conference! Maybe next time I'll show up just to rub elbows with all y'all.
