A Known Thing

Matt here.

I don't know where I'll be living a month from now. I don't know when I'll get a new job to replace the one I'm leaving on Monday. I don't know if I'll get a chance to date the man I'm interested in. I don't know if I want to start being a little active in the LDS church or have my name taken from the records.

The first two have been impending for a while, but seeing them coming hasn't, unfortunately, helped me figure them out. The third I didn't really hope for until a few circumstances changed and he started calling me by a certain nickname. The fourth I thought I had figured out, but then I got Rick's letter.

The letter itself didn't mention the church and the couple of letters that followed (before he went silent again) were mostly about books, but they made me think about churchy things. After reading it, I looked back over the whole of my correspondence with Rick, and I found a version of me I'd forgotten about. In one of my letters I said that "I can honestly say I believe in the church now." This was while I was in Argentina, the semester after Prop 8. I'd forgotten I ever felt that way. I'd forgotten what I was actually feeling and thinking back then.

(I'd also forgotten a letter I wrote to him about conflating the holy spirit with conditioned mental responses—felt a flush of pride at that one. My argument still feels solid, which isn't something I can say for all of my old writings.)

Remembering the old me was important. After relying on memory to keep my history for a few years, it got distorted. I forgot what I knew, or what I thought I knew, and even that I thought I knew it. I forgot the texture and nuance of my internal debate. I remembered that I never really solved the old dilemma of what I believe about Mormonism; I just shelved it. That was a good thing—even the right thing—for me to do, then, but it's been four years since I graduated and shelved. (Already? Jeez.) Now that I'm coming back to the states (where I can communicate, drive cars, and do other grounding things) and now that I've had years of experience away from the church, I think I'm ready to de-shelf the church.

But here's one thing I'm certain about: The church isn't all it projects itself as. Its vision of eternity, particularly of eternal progression, resonates with me, but after Prop 8, where they supported bald lies and fear-based arguments, it's impossible for me to believe that the church always fights for the side of truth and God. Whatever I come to think about the church in the coming months and years, it's going to have to come around that known thing.

And whatever I come to think about the church, I will not be muzzled, and I will not be silent.

Guys aren't a priority I guess.

So, about that guy. That soldier. The one that I like.

Enlisting in the Navy is a significantly faster process than applying for an officer commission, so even though I started talking with my recruiter back in August, I’m still working on my application while the guy has finished his and started basic training. I haven’t signed any contracts, so if I were really serious about having something with him, it would still be possible. Part of me says that that’s what I should do: Leave off the paperwork, stop pestering my recruiter, and start looking at schools around where the guy will be stationed. I’ve thought it through a hundred times, and some of the possible ending scenarios are quite nice.

When it comes down to it, though, I’m not in love with him, and I would probably need to be in love with him—and know he were in love with me, which is also not the case—before I started arranging my life around him. I’m going to continue with my officer application. I hope that I’m commissioned, even though that will make this particular guy off limits.

This is something of a pattern in my life, choosing X over the possibility of a relationship. At BYU I chose to adhere to the honor code; later I chose to not date a certain friend until he came out and broke up with his girlfriend, which he didn’t do until after I’d moved to Seattle; I chose to move to NY to pursue my editing career instead of staying with the guy I was dating in Seattle; I moved to Japan to clean my palate instead of staying with the guy I was dating in NY. The point is that I guess I’m not in a frantic hurry to find The One, as it seems to me many people with Mormon backgrounds are.

Or I’m afraid of commitment? Or something?

To me this soldier situation seems like another entry in the pattern. Seeing if something with him might be awesome isn’t a priority now. Great as he is, there are other great guys. I still believe I can have it all, dream career and dream family.

***

The next thing is a background check. Tomorrow I’ll be plotting out every address I’ve lived at since I turned 18 (a double handful) and getting contact information for someone who knew me at each location. Plus all employers. Plus all immediate family. Then an FBI agent will talk with each of those people and make sure I’m a quality guy. They don’t kid around about this stuff.

***

This week I’ll think about Christmas. It’s that time of year, even in Japan.