True Equality Won't Come with Marriage

A peaceful spring break quickly turned into a hectic one. Surprisingly, the continuous plans I made to keep me busy weren’t the most hectic part of it all. Dinner and Jersey Boys, a Giants game, and catching up with friends were the least of my chaos. The most frenzy came from Facebook and this symbol:

and my having to explain my position.

This post is not about arguing for or against the issue of same-sex marriage. That’s not the point. I myself am weary about marriage as an institution, specifically because of the inequalities it perpetuates and small population marriage is even applicable to. I invite anyone to click here, here, and here, for more reading on this topic, as more educated people have been better able to articulate their thoughts on the matter.

And yes, I do realize that this issue reaching the Supreme Court is historical and could produce significant legislation, so that’s not what this post is about. 

What this post is about, however, is how the issue of same-sex marriage is being deployed as a solution to injustice towards the LGBTQ community, the solution to everyone’s problems. And as I struggled to formulate my opinion on the matter, Jack Halberstam, Director of The Center for Feminist Research at University of Southern California and queer theorist, came as my saving grace with the following quote:

"Get married by all means--gays, straights, whatevers--but don't confuse recognition with liberation or the cementing of social norms with social justice."

Amen.

If anyone needs any proof that other and more crippling problems persist, then I wish I could show you my Facebook News Feed, filled with posts from conservative LDS Facebook friends that directly and indirectly denounce not only same-sex marriage, but most importantly homosexuality and being attracted to members of the same-sex. Attraction. Within these spaces, many are not even at the point of grasping the acceptability of individuals interested in members of the same sex, and allowing these people to express their interest through romance and relationships. Even if same-sex couples are granted the right to marry, there are still many problems facing people in the LGBTQ community. The fact that people identifying in such a way can only be accepted in my church if they abstain from romantic relationships is one issue, as it’s unfair to deny anyone to feel and experience the Christlike emotion of love, and build a family, which is one of, if not the, most important teaching of the church.

I admire those allies in support of same-sex marriage, as, for some, it reflects a genuine interest in gay and lesbian politics. But I beg that these same people become allies to the LGBTQ community as a whole, and keep this vigor and passion in issues much more plaguing and vital to the larger community. There are causes and actions more worthwhile than changing a profile picture, and these movements call for personal involvement to work towards solutions towards these problems. Because when “faggot” continues to be yelled at me as I walk down the streets of my community at night, I must admit that same-sex marriage is only a pit stop on this journey, with stops of homophobia, acceptance in religious spaces, and LGBT youth and homelessness needing to be addressed. There are many more issues plaguing the community that are vital to the mere survival of some. Before marriage, survival and basic necessities must be met first.  

A Time Out from the World

“You can’t always be reacting. You need a space where you can just be.”

As my Black Studies lecture came to an end, I scribbled down this piece of advice from my professor before packing my things and leaving. She explained that there are many stereotypes, oppressions, and political and social forces one can react to. However, reacting all the time to these things is not healthy for us individually, and we need a time and place to escape reacting and to just be us, knowing that who we are and how we are is beautiful and enough, contrary to how larger social forces paint us. Being involved with politics and being surrounded by others enlisted in the same battle, I found this quote very applicable. With the multitude around me always fighting and involved in some political issue or another, this unanticipated and fresh piece of advice rang true in my mind.

If my political/reacting self were who I am all the time, I would be a different person. I would be an angry, pessimistic, aggressive person who keeps pushing his individual wants and needs onto others (at least I hope I’m not like this normally). It becomes necessary, then, for me to separate my political self from my personal self. But more so than this, politics and current laws have nothing to say about my personal life. Even though same-sex marriage is largely unavailable, I’m still going to date men and even settle down with one, should that happen for me. No matter what happens to me politically, I’m still going to be me personally.

This is not to say that political happenings should be completely disregarded. Politics and having people fight for a cause is vital, and I am incredibly grateful for those who do this for others. Indeed, laws exist and are being created to limit our rights and the rights of others. It’s necessary to fight against this discrimination and wide scale oppression, because these laws can make an impact on us personally. What I am saying, however, correlates with the idea of “leaving my work at work.” Ultimately, what happens on a larger scale level should not limit how I act or behave personally. Even if same-sex marriage never gets legalized in all 50 states, should that prevent me from falling in love and settling down with my partner of the same sex? No.

Nietzsche said it best when he said, “Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster.” In taking care of ourselves, it becomes vital to not always be reacting to social forces, and separating the political self from the personal self. While what happens politically may affect me personally, it will never stop me from having the personal life I want. The government does not personally know my name, face, who I am, or my individual case. Why, then, should I let them be a part of my life?

The Stereotypical Gay Man Will Marry Your Girlfriend

Deny gay men the right to marry each other? Fine, straight guys, they'll just marry your girlfriends. This is the argument that the last CollegeHumor video makes. I've seen countless Facebook posts linking this video; it's gone viral fast. And while the video garners support for same sex marriage in a funny and thought provoking way, the video isn't flawless. Perhaps I'm not too fond of the stereotypes of gay men that the video reinforces, such as gay men having the perfect bodies, being fashionable, enthusiastic about visual artistry, etc. And I'm not even addressing the "gay best friend" role gay men are often cast into with their female friends.

But despite these irritations, the video is still an effective way to raise support for same sex marriage and presents an interesting solution: don't want to lose your girlfriend? Get rid of the [threatening] competition by allowing them to marry one another. Because if you can't do it out of the kindness and decency of your heart, maybe the threat of losing your beloved girlfriend to another, more qualified man will change your mind.

Watch the video HERE.

Dreams and Fantasies in No Particular Order

I love to hike.  It tends to clear my mind; give me an opportunity to remove a lot of the noise that seems to endlessly plague my day-to-day routine.Well, I was on a hike with one of my bisexual girlfriends on Saturday and we got on the subject of fantasies. I obviously made some snarky comment about firemen and lots of "hoses" but, as I dwelt on the concept throughout the day, and as I was falling asleep that night, I started to wonder what my real fantasies were. 

Not merely sexual (I mean, really, who doesn't like a good uniform?), but what are some of my deepest desires? What do I long for?



Anyway, long story short, I woke up beaming yesterday after dreaming I had adopted six (yes, 6!) kids and I was happily in some relationship with some unknown guy. So, moral of the dream, my subconscious' fantasy is to be happily committed with lots of kids. I'm okay with that. 


Since waking up Sunday morning I have been thinking a lot about what I want out of this life and how I am going to achieve my dreams, goals, and greatest aspirations.  Honestly, the path my life is currently on does not completely coalesce with the direction I want it to go long term.  I am currently working on it but I still have a long way to go. But I am going to get there.Do I want to have six kids?  I don't know.  I want to have kids and I DON'T want to say 'no' to the idea of six kids but I don't think that is going to be a benchmark target for me.  I do know that I want to find someone - one person - I want to spend my life with and I hope to have the family, the kids, the house with the picket fence, and the dog.  Someday.  My greatest goal today? To make sure I am preparing myself to be the guy that gets it!What are some of your dreams and fantasies?

Impossible Expectations Make Life Incredibly Difficult

My dad and I have never been particularly close.  It’s not his fault, really. Growing up he always worked at least two jobs and, when he wasn’t working, the church pulled him in 15 other directions.  Whether he was in the bishopric, the elder’s quorum presidency, or the high priest group leadership, he was always giving service to somebody else.  It was what he was told he needed to do to be a good father and husband, and he performed his roles in the eyes of the church marvelously.

I resented it, I resented the church, and I resented him.

In fact, for decades I told myself that I was going to be a better father to my children than he was to me. 

As I grew older, however, I started to become keenly aware of the fact that I probably wouldn’t have children and this weekend, as we celebrated Father’s Day, I was reminded of the impossible expectations surrounding fatherhood my family has placed on me.

It’s funny, earlier this week I received a fortune cookie that read, “Impossible expectations make life incredibly difficult.”

I think it’s a rather stupid fortune but I find it to be quite apropos.

In my parents’ world I have only impossible expectations and that is truly making my life incredibly difficult.

My mother is still the only one who knows I’m gay in my family and her expectation is that I will stay alone, celibate, and in the closet for the rest of my days.

As a result of my continued sojourn in the closet, my dad and sisters have started to share their expectations for a traditional mormon marriage and numerous children with evermore frequency; after all, I am 27 and Brigham Young explicitly stated that single men of my age are "dangers to society."

At this point in my life I see both of these options as unattainable.

It’s not that I don’t want a family and children. In fact, it’s something that I want more than anything and, truthfully, my greatest fear in this life is that I will be alone and that I will die alone.

Father’s Day is about celebrating the roles fathers of all kinds play in our lives.  For me, as I look back, I am grateful for all the things my dad did for me regardless of his work schedule and zealous participation in the church.  He provided for me and my family, he did the best he could to be a moral figure for me to follow and look up to, and he taught me in large part to be the person I am today.

So, as I look forward to my life, I would like to provide a few other options that I find tenable. One is that I find someone I love and I spend the rest of my life being the best husband/partner I can be and, with him, raise our children together.

Or, the second idea is that I find a way to be a parent on my own and I raise a child or two as a single father – independent of any relationship status.

Either way, I commit today to myself and to you that I will not die alone and that I will not let others limit my ability to be a parent or define whatever future relationship I may or may not have as inferior, and that I will one day celebrate Father’s Day as a father.

Here’s to you, to  me, and to fathers everywhere.

PS - JC Penny is quickly becoming one of my favorite companies.  The above ad featured a normal, everyday gay couple celebrating their family as part of the chain's Father's day promotions in the midst of an ongoing crusade of hateful bigots who demanded the company fire their openly-gay spokeswoman, Ellen Degeneres, and apologize after showcasing a lesbian couple as part of their Mother's day ads. So far Ellen is still going strong and the company refuses to back down from their LGBTQ friendly stance. I applaud JC Penney and their willingness to support, strengthen, and stand behind families of all kinds.

Gay Rights, Civil Rights

Hey, Bradley here.

I was talking with a relative of mine about the "gay community" and how people perceive it as a whole. First of all, when people think about the gay community, they think about how lascivious or just how promiscuous it is, but then again, so is the straight community you see at bars, clubs, etc. It's only common sense that not all gays are like that, just like it's only common sense that not all straights are like that. But when it comes to people's gut reactions, it's amazing how people still feel that way about the gays.

In this conversation with said relative, we came to the agreement that we look forward to the day when sexuality is really no big deal anymore. One day, we'll probably look back on this whole Gay-Rights fiasco much like we look back on the Civil-Rights movement and say "What were we thinking?" I really hope we get to that point where people are judged not for who they love, but who they are as a person.

This comparison between the Gay-Rights movement and the Civil-Rights movement has been made quite a bit actually. It's a major stance taken by politicians (like our president for example):

http://youtu.be/73oZ_pe1MZ8

(I hope that link works... embedding was disabled)

If not, it basically went like this:

Obama: I would support a civil union with all the same legal rights as marriage.

Reporter Guy: But doesn't that sort of sound like the "Separate-but-Equal" argument?

(separate-but-equal, of course, being a reference to the constitutional doctrine justifying segregation)

Obama: It's my job as President to focus on the tangible rights of people, not necessarily to change the attitudes of people.

His actual words are much more eloquent than my shabby paraphrase, but the sentiment is there - that civil unions with all the rights of married couples certainly gets the job done; let the churches and voters decide what to make of the attitudes towards same-sex couples, but "my job as president" is to enforce laws and protect the actual rights of people.

What I take away from this is just how the Gay-Rights movement is comparing itself to the Civil-Rights movement. Whether or not that's a smart move, I don't know. But it's worth noticing.

Again, I hope someday we look back on all of this hullabaloo about sexual orientation just like we look back on the Civil Rights movement and say "What were we thinking... Sexual orientation shouldn't have been such a big deal."