Excuse Me

Why should I require abs?

I want a man with a soft stomach so that when I rest my head on it, I can feel comfortable.

Why should I require a flat stomach?

I want a man who will go on ice cream, frozen yogurt, and dinner dates with me.

Why should I require someone hot in bed?

I want a man who knows the skills to satisfy me in bed. And physical attractiveness is no guarantee of that.

Why should I require clear skin, blemish free?

I want a blemish or a few to remind me that no one is ever perfect, ever. And that his scars make him better, not bitter, about the way his life has gone.

Why should I require a full head of hair?

I want a head that can understand my rants about gender, heteronormativity, and queer theory. And give me feedback.

Why should I require a man to be masculine?

I want a man who is unafraid of being who he truly is, even if it contrasts with what the world wants from him.

Why should I require someone like me?

I want a man who expects these same sentiments from me.

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Thank you for letting me indulge in some creative writing. I’ve been getting pretty fed up with societal expectations of people, and moreover, people’s adhesion to these ideas. Society isn’t an individual; it isn’t one personal being that you will ever interact with. And its production of beauty standards and other expectations, dispensed through the media and culture, does not account for the majority of people in this country. While I enjoy the occasional depiction of a “Ken doll,” we must meet these images and the expectations that accompany them and that govern the rest of us with a critical eye. Will they truly bring us happiness in our individual lives? Should we police others by these standards?

Praise the Lord for hip ‘90s music. Because I’m not going to be a pawn in society’s game. And for that I respectfully say, “excuse me.”

Dear Young Girls, Find Love or Fail at Life. Best, Society.

It is a chilly November evening. You bundle up, fashion your scarf into the best Parisian knot possible, slip into your favorite loafers, and head out the door. You decide to grace the local Vons with your presence, strolling down each aisle with your friends in pursuit of food for your bare apartment. After the fruitful journey and success in avoiding buying anything from the dessert aisle, you reach the checkout stand, only to have this glaring you down:

(Image courtesy of Us Weekly Magazine)

Goodbye lovely evening, hello anger.

Taylor Swift is a popular country/pop singer. She burst onto the music scene in 2006 at the tender of age of 17, and America is still watching her grow up at the current age of 22. To today’s generation, she is what Shania Twain was to the 1990s. Most prominent about Swift is her huge fan base of teenaged girls. The tone of this Us Weekly cover was too shameful and negative for me to tune out. I was concerned about the labels stamped upon Swift and what it said not just about her dating life, but also her as a person. Most of all, I worried about what message this sent to her young female fans.

Upon first glancing at the cover, “why she can’t find love” stands out in its big, bold font. This simple phrase carries with it many heavy connotations. For one, it speaks to societal expectations set forth for women, a concept Deborah Tolman covers in her book “Dilemmas of Desire.” It has become socially expected for women to be in pursuit of love and achieving that accomplishment, rather than have casual relationships or sexual encounters. The line “why she can’t find love” endorses the idea that in order to be successful, girls need to find love. Moreover, it shames Swift for dating so many men and being unable to “find love” with any of them, suggesting that she is failing or doing something wrong. Both lines of thinking couldn’t be more harmful to young girls and women.

Swift’s perceived failure is echoed in the cover’s mentioning of how she “repeats the same mistakes.” This gets readers to believe that in her relationships, Swift is doing something wrong. In reality, what does Us Weekly, or any consumers of popular culture, actually know what goes on between two celebrities outside of the spotlight and behind closed doors? Moreover, “repeats the same mistakes” echoes earlier ideas that something is wrong with Swift. It suggests she is continually doing wrong and unable to change her ways, forever doomed in not being able to achieve love. While the cover deems her dating methods wrong, the cover hints that there’s something even more wrong with Swift internally and being unable to find love. Who’s to say that Swift wasn’t able to find what she wanted with any of the men she’s dated, or vice versa?

It is no secret that Taylor Swift’s dating life has been highlighted in the public spotlight. Paparazzi have detailed the many guys she dates, and her breakups are popular subjects of songs she writes. Fame and being a celebrity depletes Swift’s chances of what the average person has for a relationship; the demanding career of a celebrity and the lack of privacy are crippling issues in a relationship, such that a “normal relationship” may not be a reasonable expectation. And while she has dated men that I may not have, it’s ultimately her life and her lessons in love that she needs to learn for herself. Who are we to condemn her for just trying to date and discover what she likes and needs in a partner? I find it more ludicrous that Swift, at the incredibly young age of 22, is already being pressured to find her true love. Many are still trying to grow, figure out who they are as individuals, and assimilate into the adult world at 22. For these people, how is it reasonable to keep and sustain a long lasting relationship when they’re not even sure where life’s journey will take them?  

While the cover of Us Weekly was unflattering for Taylor Swift, my primary concern is for her young female fan base and women in general. The cover did nothing but shame Swift for her dating life and stigmatize her, making it seem like something is wrong with her. This sends out a negative message to women that one must achieve love in order to be successful, and failing to do so means there is something wrong with oneself. I even felt insecure about my own dating from seeing this cover. In reality, finding love and being able to keep it is a difficult aspect of life that few are able to accomplish. All of us, men and women, should focus on establishing the best version of ourselves as individuals, and let the chips fall where they may. And at all costs, never let a gossip magazine judge, shame, or reduce us as people.

(My current favorite song of Taylor Swift, from her recently released album “Red.”)

“I've been spending the last 8 months/Thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end/But on a Wednesday in a cafe, I watched it begin again.”

Favorite, Not So Much, and Just Plain Awesome!!

So I was thinking about social expectations, and I asked some of my friends to tell me their favorite social expectations, their not so favorite, and ones they thought were awesome or odd.

Jen says her least favorite expectation is “that going on a mission is the only indication of whether or not a guy is a good person.” Robbie said one of his least favorite was “that a mission will make guys automatically mature.” His favorite was “SHOWERS!!” Agreed. Then Tristan’s odd one “ ‘Wait, you’re from ___, you must know my good friend ___!’—obviously people from the same state know each other.…”

We can relate to all these. Especially showers … hopefully. So after reading these I felt like I should make my list.

I’ll start with the odd (AKA awesome) one. So I learned of this one from my psychology professor (who was AWESOME btw, if you go to BYU take REBER’s psych 111). He was talking about social expectations we all fall into (like facing the door when you get into an elevator), and my favorite was the shopping cart expectation. We don’t shop out of other’s shopping carts. And why not? They haven’t purchased those items. They don’t belong to them. Even though they have technically “dibbed” them, they’re not necessarily theirs. So I think it would be awesome to just start shopping out of someone else’s shopping cart.

Okay happy moment gone, back to serious.

I’m a convert. I’ve mentioned this before, but I believe it’s a huge part of who I am. Just because I believe in Christ now and do my best to follow the Church doesn’t mean I always have. Back in my hometown everyone knew my family (and their problems) for generations. So seeing as I’m one of the youngest of the last generation to live in this tiny, gossip-filled, hick town, I was the last “Potter” (family name, awesome, I know) to be judged by the people in my town for generations past. And I loved it. They all thought the worst of me which made me constantly want to prove them wrong. I’m thankful for everyone who doubted me because they were just a stepping stone to get where I am now. When I left that town, I was terrified at the thought of not having people look down upon me for fear I wouldn’t have someone to prove wrong. I was certainly wrong about that. Which brings me to my least favorite expectation: perfect Mormons.

I was guilty of this expectation when I first arrived at BYU. I thought everyone around me was perfect, and I was just this sinner drowning in a sea of Zion’s elite. So I wandered, ridiculously depressed, for two semesters, telling myself I would move to Portland where I could sin in peace. Then I went to work this summer at a place where I actually met other Mormons (I pretty much lived under a rock my freshmen year). And I was pleasantly surprised. The people I worked with weren’t just these mindless clones going around being perfect. They had faults. This one night I was out with some of them and this one guy who wasn’t a member joked with his friend about how he couldn’t listen to music that cursed. His response, “Damn it! I’ll listen to whatever the hell I want.” Is it odd that after that I instantly trusted him? He wasn’t perfect, and I was drawn to that. So the summer went on. I was on the watch for people who weren’t perfect. But after I got past all the judging I was doing, I thought about what I discovered. For example, three boys. All very different. I judge people on their taste in music. So one was classical, one was more punk with an eighties rock edge, and another hip hop/top 40 kind of guy. One was shy and sweet, another in your face and blunt, and another dorky yet cool. But all three had one thing in common. They believed in Christ. They were all LDS, but they were so different! That summer taught me that Mormons had thoughts and feelings (shocking I know) but that wasn’t something I quite grasped until then. Before, I kept trying to take the pre-baptized me and the post-baptized person I thought I was supposed to be and smash them together. After that I realized that I could be just me and that was okay.

I learned that I didn’t need to cram myself into this little box that I had defined as Mormonism. I could be free, allow myself a little wiggle room. So I challenge you all this week to break the social expectations laid out for you. If you are LDS I’m not telling you to go off and sin on purpose, but don’t hate yourself if you make a mistake. And if people think you suck prove them wrong. And please, please, shop out of others shopping carts.

My two songs to leave you with this week:

Defying Gravity (Glee version)



Because A) I <3 Kurt

And B) This song is all about achieving your dreams. Taking that leap and going for it. When I get discouraged about my dream of making it on the ballroom company, I listen to this song and think Heck yes! I can dance!

And…

Someday by No More Kings



This song is just kind of fun and upbeat. But it has a good message about finding yourself and not being so hard if you don’t have it all figured out right now. As the song goes, “Someday I won’t be so self-defeating. Won’t kick me when I’m bleeding.” Someday you’ll just know. But don’t take my word for it. Listen and make your own interpretations.

Not What I Expected (About Expectations)

I set out being really excited to put down some thoughts about social expectations for this week’s post, but it has proven more difficult than I had anticipated.  I even had a bit of fun doing some research and asking a gazillion questions to friends, family, coworkers and innocent civilians about the expectations surrounding relationships (a big thank you to all of you who responded.  Love you all!)  I originally thought this would be an easy topic because there are so many expectations surrounding every aspect of life:  Education, love, career choices and pursuits, family life, belief systems, holidays (ugh), personal hygiene….

I could go on about each of these and how I think we are often driven by these expectations (and understandably so, in many cases).  I have experienced the restraints and pressures of expectations in all of these categories and I know most people have and do.  But as I tried to write about them I kept feeling a gnawing dissatisfaction about something.  It would be so easy to condemn all social expectations and “norms” and call anyone who conforms to them brainwashed people-pleasers! ...Or would it?  Personally, I have come to be extremely cautious of any “group” or “organization” (religion, club, social party…) because they create a group mentality which distracts from listening to and honoring my own soul-voice.  But that is not to say they don’t serve a useful purpose…and I’m still not sure how I feel about that last line, but whatever.

Really, social expectations don’t matter one crumby bit.  They are only expectations.  We may break hearts and let people down by not following them, but that is just a byproduct of honoring our hearts, of listening to our own soul-voice.  Yet this doesn’t mean we always have to go against social expectations either.  What matters here is that we are doing what is right for us.  It means allowing ourselves to be selfish if we feel we cannot participate in the holidays as might be expected by our families.  It means NOT moving in with the one that you love because it is what is right for your relationship, even though it might not make any sense to the world.  It means quitting a stable and career-centered job with great benefits and the possibility for advancement because it doesn’t quite fit with your heart and makes you want to slam your face against a brick wall every time you think about it (this is entirely hypothetical I promise).  But it could also mean getting married (social expectation), showering a few times a week (social expectation), going home for Christmas (social expectation) and perusing a stable, well-paying job (social expectation).  The beautiful thing about this journey of life is that it is going to look different for everyone.

I feel like I’m always saying the same things:  Follow your heart!  Honor your own truth!  Be who you are!  Do what is right for you!  Listen to your soul-voice!  Perhaps this is the song I’m singing right now because it is the one I need to hear the most.  But I’ll keep singing anyway.  (Insert operatic vibrato-drenched voice here).  In my experience, the joy and beauty that come from honoring my truth (whatever that is) is worth any sacrifice.

Forever and ever, AMEN!