What Did One Bisexual Say To The Other?

I realize I've sucked a big butt at keeping my posts regular.  However, in my defense I'm moving in less than two weeks and I have SO much to do.

BUT!  That is neither here nor there.

News, friends.  I went on a date... with a man.  I've known him for two years and we've been able to work together in some really awesome capacities.  Well he finally asked me out formally and we had and ARE HAVING such a fun time!!

He is so many many things and there is so much I could say about what kind of person he is (in a word: beautiful!) but what I really want to tell you is something pretty special.

He is bisexual.  Like me.  He views love like I do.  We love who we love.

At first i was scared.  I'd never had feelings for someone who was fully bisexual like I am.  And I was able to talk to him about it.  My fear, how he feels, perceptions on love, romance, relationships, etc.

And now... It's fucking beautiful.  

back in the closet by E

As previously discussed (here) I am not heterosexual, but rather I like girls AND boys. I came out to my family and all of my Facebook friends last June and it was great! I could post and say anything I wanted to without people thinking "isn't she, is she??" and I could be myself.  Well, I've moved to Wyoming for school and am rooming with a girl I just met face-to-face for the first time yesterday. I am back in the closet.

Because of the hetero-centricity of American society, a non-hetero person has to come out to every new person they meet.  So meeting new people puts me back into the closet and that's a place I don't want to be.  But by coming out, even though I'm relieving the pressure on myself, I may be causing the other person distress.  Like this new roommate. I could come out to her and it could go well and there could be no issue.  Or I could come out to her and she could see me saying "hun" or "darlin" to her as me coming on to her.  She could be afraid to use the same bathroom or dishes as me.

Coming out to someone challenges their perception of their self.  They suddenly look at themselves and wonder if they ever did anything that might be construed at flirting, and they wonder if you've ever come onto them. And I can't handle doing that, and trying to deal with that in my roommate.

So...this is Wyoming. They don't exactly take to non-hetero ways of thinking- actually any non-conservative, white bread way of thinking. So what are people gonna think of my liberal, green party, non-hetero, irreverent way of thinking. And talking. And acting.

I'm so worried that I won't be able to make friends that are my type of people.  The loud, out-spoken types that like to laugh and have fun but know about social justice and fight for those who don't have it.

Should I risk the connections that I could have those I have to be around- my roommate, my teammates- for the possible ones I might make?

Mormons, Gays, Fire, Bridges

Matt here.

So, this week. Keeping Mormons after dropping Mormonism.

I have a couple of friends in SLC who are Mormon and who believe in the church, but also strongly support gay rights. One of them even volunteers with the Trevor project. They've each hosted me in their homes and supported my plans for love, family, and atheism; it's pretty much a no-brainer that their Mormonism doesn't bother me. They're good friends, and easy to love because they love me, and I can feel it.

But then, if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye?

I have a few friends in Utah and Arizona, including my roommates from the Cozy House, who are more traditionally Mormon. They voted for Prop 8 and similar and think the recent SCOTUS decisions were the result of activist judges. They "don't agree with homosexuality."

These people are much more difficult to love. Conversation often gets strangled as I try not to bring up the guy I have a crush on or how happy I was when Prop 8 fell and so on. Sometimes one or the other of us will not be circumspect enough and prick the other with a needle about their delusions or my immorality. Keeping a relationship with these people often hurts.

Yet, they've also shared their homes with me. These people have listened when I needed to be heard and held me up during scary-dark times. They're generally good, smart people, focused on their families. I have memories with them, and connections, and in most cases I don't want to let them go.

Keeping up our relationships is a bit of a dilemma. Talking with these Mormons is usually as uncomfortable as it is enlightening, as infuriating as it is good to reminisce. I find myself weighing each one: Is this worth keeping up? Do I want to still know these people?

Mostly the answer has been yes. In large part, this is because I want to be a man who has a wide filter bubble. Partly it's because I don't want one's opinion about homosexuality or religion to be a dealbreaker, and partly it's because I don't want everything to always come back to me and people like me. I don't want other people's narrowness to make me narrow.

Sometimes, it's a dilemma. Egg* and I, for example, were homeschooled and then early college students together. She's essentially my sister from another mister, in that we had our phases of hate and love and we spent far, far too much time together. Egg is very Mormon (the kind that Doesn't Agree With Homosexuality), and it was difficult for her when I came out over the phone while at BYU, but it also made a lot of sense, and she's adapted well. Although she, like my sister, feels the need to remind me that she Doesn't Agree every time we talk about boys, we do talk about boys.

However. While I was in Japan she got married to a Mormon man who also Doesn't Agree With Homosexuality--so much that he literally will not stay in the same room as me. I was at his house visiting with Egg; he said hello, moved to another room, and put in headphones. I took a chair next to him at a recent event; he sat stonily for five minutes and then moved to the other side of the yard, where he remained until I left, an hour or so later. Egg confirms that he is creeped out because I'm gay, and I have to say, that makes me livid. The bridges I've tried to build to him (because he's Egg's husband) are on fire.

. . . but then, if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye?

The bridges may survive, scorched, because he's Egg's husband. There's a point where it's just not worth it, even if it means giving up Egg. There's a point where I'm going to start throwing gas instead of sand.

But we're not there yet.

*My Egg is not at all like this Egg, I just couldn't resist the urge to share.

***

Here is a related article.
Here is a second related article.

Roommates, Now and Then

Matt here.

Things are going well for me here in the Bay Area. This coming week I'll find out whether or not the Navy wants to hire me. Last week I was approached about a job with a nonprofit, so I have a safety net in case the military isn't in my future. I'm buying a car on Monday.

And I love my roommates. The outgoing one and I go out every other week or so--last night we went to dinner, a show, and karaoke with a bunch of friends. The quiet one and I go to the gym together four or five times per week and have lovely discussions about the DOD budget or immigration or whatever happens to be on NPR. Every now and then we'll all go out on a hike together or something. It's such a pleasure to share a house with them.

My last set of non-family roommates and I also got on well. We lived south of BYU in a four-person place we called the Cozy House. Two were brothers, everyone but me was a choir boy. We also got on well and did things together, but when it came down to it there was always a bit of an elephant in the room: They believed in Mormonism, and I didn't. They thought homosexual activity was bad, and I didn't. They were as kind and sweet as could be, but those disagreements (and the pressures of coming out at BYU, blah blah blah) put a damper on things.

It's interesting to see the contrast. There are things I miss about the Cozy House setup, like Brian's tendency to do big messy building projects in the kitchen or Spencer's tendency to talk about fantasy novels or Jeff's tendency to bring people over, but the things I don't miss are heavier. Constant worry about the future of my eternal soul. Being the only one who doesn't share wads of Mormon assumptions about life. Inability to trust myself.

Sometime soon--possibly this summer--I'm going to meet up with one or two of the guys and see how things are now.  I wonder if we'll get on now, if the elephant will be bigger or smaller. I wonder if our disagreements will matter.

Oh man! Thank you for reading through my reminiscences. I wanted you to know some of the context that's in my head as I prepare for next week's post, in which I'm planning to discuss the pros and cons and maybe the how-to's of keeping and maintaining friendships with Mormons after dropping their church.It's something I think of rather often, and I imagine at least a few of y'all do to. I hope you'll enjoy it.

The Brightness of Today

Matt here.

My friends! My dear friends. Most of us have never met, but I’ve been writing to you for years from various places. Those of you who’ve been around the ‘sphere long enough have seen me grow from a dark, sad sixteen year old to a bright, happy twenty-four year old. And today, I’m so very thankful.

I’m thankful for your comments and emails, your Facebook friendships and Skype sessions, our meetups and adventures. I’m thankful that I didn’t have to go through the past eight years surrounded exclusively by straight people, who, while often wonderful, can’t connect with me in the same ways you can.

I’m thankful for my parents, who were devastated when I came out but who pulled themselves together, like me, a bit at a time. I’m thankful that this weekend my dad is flying out to Japan so that we can have a three-week foreign adventure together. I’m thankful that my mom Skypes with me most weeks and my sister, who is an EFY session director, asks about my love life.

My life is filled with cherry blossoms and sunshine, and even my impending unemployment (two weeks!) can’t get me down today.

Without the darker years it would still be bright now, but my joy, my understanding and experience and savor of today’s brightness, would be blander. If your bright time hasn’t come yet, I hope it comes soon. I hope you can make yourself strong, and when you can’t make yourself strong, I hope you can find people who’ll lend you strength. If your bright time hasn’t come, know that someday this pain will be useful to you.

---

Nature.

Someday This Pain Will Be Useful to You.

I Feel Human Dark With Sugar.

Matt here.

The series finale is still postponed, until I have time to think it through. This week  I haven’t had that. This time when I’m sitting down to write is not that much.

I love that it’s Saturday. Yesterday a friend flew into Tokyo on a flight so late that, because I didn’t plan accordingly, we missed the last train home. We looked for a hotel but (no longer being in Tokyo and by this time thoroughly exhausted) we couldn’t find one. We ended up renting a karaoke booth for a few hours and singing until the trains started up again. We got to my apartment and went to sleep around six.

I love that I paused at the railroad crossing on my way to 7-11 to pay my electric bill and I saw the crown of Mt. Fuji nearly but not covered in smoky clouds. I’d just finished reading The Fault In Our Stars, so every pain and irritation felt far away and it has been one of those days when I feel I have extravagantly wonderfully much. Clouds. Novels. Tangerines. Poetry. Friend.

I love that my friend asked about the quotes on my mirror. The one from Joan Didion saying that “Character--the willingness to take responsibility for one’s own life--is the source from which self-respect springs” is if not my favorite the one I am most determined to apply. I blamed family and church for my unhappiness for too long, but slowly I’m making it habitual to say “I could have acted differently.”

I love that my friend let me  read to him from Human Dark With Sugar.  Feeling my tongue make the beautiful words to be heard made me hungry to live, to be human dark with sugar hot to melt the snow. If sex were like that I would not object.

---

Here is one of the poems I read to him: Why Is the Color of Snow?

Here is a website that made me smile and then recoil. Then smile again. WTF, Evolution?

He's jolly and foreign, what more could you ask for?

A week or so ago, I was Santa. First at an elementary school, for the special ed class. Lots of ho-ho-ho’s and hand shaking and “merry Christmas!”s, and then we played bingo until all thirty kids won and got a present from Santa. One kid was super energetic and friendly. As we finished class, he came up to me, patted my pillow-enlarged belly, and asked (in Japanese), “Santa, are you pregnant?”

Costume held together with safety pins. Classy.

No buddy. But if I were, I hope my kid would be as awesome as you.

Second was a kindergarten. Four very brave tiny children asked questions like “How many reindeer do you have,” “Why do you wear red,” “How do you get in houses,” and “Where do you live?” (Nine reindeer; it’s a bright and happy color; magic; and Finland.) Each kid came up and shook my hand and got a present, and then we took a class picture.

And then in the teachers’ room the principle gave me coffee and cake, an origami Santa ornament, tangerines, and a flower arrangement from the PTA. Unexpected, but pleasant. Add to that the fact that both days I was finished with “work” by eleven a.m. and I had an extremely satisfying Santa experience.

It makes me think a bit. It’s the kind of thing that wouldn’t have happened in the states. If I’d kept on my pre-Japan path I’d be living in New York and still thinking of myself as far too young to be a suitable Santa. I’d be missing out on so much. 
Or maybe not, maybe I’d be doing equally awesome things in the states. Kinda doubt it, though.

***

For the holiday itself, I’m going to stay indoors where it’s warm all day, but for the twenty-fourth I’m going with a friend and her friends and family over to the coast, to a town called Fujisawa. We’ll go to a nondenominational Christian service that’s completely in Japanese (I didn’t understand a single word last year) and eat a fantastic dinner of excellent chicken (though not KFC, which is seriously what most Japanese people associate with Christmas) and sushi. And wine, because the dad of the family is a connoisseur. We’ll sit on cushions around the low heated table and I will try very hard to participate in the conversation. I swear, being social here is like taking oral exams every day.

I like this. Aside from my mom’s rolls, I never really liked Christmas dinner in the states. Christmas sushi may become a tradition for me.

***

Christmas lights: I miss them. There are three houses I know of in my city that have lights up, and they’re all awful, garish, and tacky.

Christmas songs: I don’t miss them. This year the only ones I’ve sought out are “Boots” and “Joseph, Better You Than Me,” both by The Killers. That’s enough. I’m sure I’ll hear all the others next year. And the year after that. And so on.

***

Next week will almost certainly be full of reminiscences. For the week after that, though, I have something more . . . contrary? combative? in the works. Some things were said in the moho blogs recently that I strongly disagree with and think are important enough to write a handful of posts about.

***

Chances are you’ve seen this already, but in case you haven’t: The year's best autocorrects. Guffaws and tears. It’s that funny.

We’re Just Friends

“I care about you for no good reason.”

-R

Sometimes you just meet someone and you click. Sometimes you just become insta-friends. And sometimes you can look back and pin-point the moment when you both realized that you cared for each other. My friend R and I did that last night.

Here’s the thing. I had a crush on her. Before we ever became close friends I knew I liked her. Then one night I was sitting with Lee and he mentioned his blog post and she just piped up “I read the blog.” I’m not going to lie, I was shocked and scared. I didn’t know she knew I was gay. But she did. And was still sitting next to me on the couch.

That night we talked for hours and when she told me she wasn’t gay I let my crush go. Sure I was a little disappointed but it was worth it because I made a great friend.

Over the last couple of weeks we’ve been hanging out an awful lot.

But that one moment when you realize you care for them.

Hers for me was a few days ago. I was sick and accidentally fell asleep and was late for my shift. The shift coordinator knew we were close and asked if she had seen me and told her that I was missing. Her mind kind of freaked out and thought I went and off-ed myself. I didn’t. I was just asleep. But she was still worried and pissed when the coordinator didn’t tell her I finally showed up. When I got the chance I went and talked to her to let her know what was going on and then went home sick.

Mine for her was last night. I had spent time with two of my older friends and well it just felt wrong. Don’t get me wrong, I still love them. But I’ve changed and there was a certain piece of negativity to them that made me feel off. And they just didn’t seem to understand me anymore. So she sat down on the other side of E and we were all just talking. As soon as she showed up I was simply happy. I knew that as soon as E would leave I would scoot over to sit closer to her. However when he got up she beat me to the punch and sat right next to me. I leaned over and told her “This may not make sense and seem kind of random but you bring good into my life.”  

I guess it was just nice. After that I admitted that I had liked her. And apologized that people may suck and assume that we were together. Sure she isn’t ecstatic about that but she doesn’t mind.

Sometimes you just find someone and it works. With all the crap going on up here with everyone hating on LGBT’s (maybe I’ll rant about that next week but in case you have no idea what is going on check out Lee’s post) and me being terrified of being out, it’s just nice to find someone who doesn’t mind. Who still loves me even though that may bring assumptions on to her. Who seems to care about me for no good reason. It’s just nice to find a friend like R. 

-Dupree

You want to know something odd? I don't have a song for R. Generally I have a song for everyone but I don't have a song that just screams R. One of these days I'll find the perfect song. But for now let's just go for this. 

"You'll be alright

No one can hurt you now

Come morning light

You and I'll be safe and sound"

Finding Inspiration at a Mormon Mocktail Party

A friend of a friend is moving away to graduate school in Illinois in a couple of weeks.  I had met this friend of a friend and found her to be quite lovely so when the invitation to attend her going away party popped up this weekend, I eagerly accepted.

While the lavish Tiki/Mormon-mocktail party was fun, and I loved seeing my new friend off on her next adventure, the highlight of the evening was getting to meet the party’s host, Maryn Roos.

Who is Ms. Roos, you may ask? Well, I had no idea either until I met her, but she is actually a New York Times Best Selling Illustrator who is based out of Orem, Utah.  She is truly a master artist and she is constantly developing her skills and cultivating new artistic talents.

As we walked through her modest home, she was gracious enough to show us some of her beautiful works of art (my favorite is the giraffe included in this post; it’s based off a tiny black and white screenshot from the original Adams Family.  I think this piece is absolutely magnificent and I need it.), as well as her personal studio.  Everything she works on is beautiful and unique and truly an expression of her creativity.

Well, later this weekend, while doing some research about Maryn and her beautiful illustrations, I stumbled upon a professional interview she did with one of her employers.  At the very end, the interviewer asked her what advice she would give to aspiring artists, to which she replied:

“Draw, draw, draw! Never stop drawing! It’s great to start out by copying art you like, but eventually you should put yourself and your own ideas into your drawings. Just keep drawing and looking and exploring everything the world has to offer; you never know where inspiration will come from.”

Wow, what a wonderful life lesson! In her powerful statement, I truly realized that this is how I have lived  the majority of my life.  I have gone from “copying” one person or group to another, trying to live as they lived.  To be as they were.  But they are not me.   

I am me.

Now, as I have gotten older, more sure of myself, I have come to realize that there is so much more to the world.  I am on a personal journey to find myself and I’m filled with new forms of inspiration every day.  From the beauty and majesty of the Utah mountains that I often escape to, to the bitterest stings of hate and condescension that occasionally fill my inbox. All things “shall be for my good” and help mold who I am – and more importantly, who I am becoming.

I am done copying others and each new day brings me closer to “putting myself and my own ideas into my [life].”  I have my own thoughts, and views, and visions for what I think my life should be and what I think this world should be and I am pursuing them with open arms, eyes, and heart.

I hope you are, too.  Because it is true, we never know where inspiration will come from, we may even surprise ourselves!

PS –

I found out this week that I was accepted to be a volunteer with The Trevor Project. I am super excited and will keep you all up to date as I move forward in the induction process.

Ode to a Gay Blogger

My coming out story has been tumultuous to say the least and, unfortunately, it is far from over.  I can say, however, that the greatest strides I’ve made with loving who I am and coming to terms with myself has happened since I started writing for this blog.  Truth be told, my co-authors have helped me cultivate a greater understanding of what it means to be gay and, more importantly, what it means to be me and I will be forever in their debt.

So, I dedicate this post to my lovely co-contributors here at Breaking the Silence, I love all of you!

Lee – 

I know you’re new and I don’t know you that well but I am grateful for your example.  The courage I have already seen you display on this blog and in person truly astound me.  I am much older than you (in fact, you make me feel old but that is entirely beside the point) but you are strides ahead of me in this life and I look up to you in so many ways.

Your strength and example of coming out and being proud of who you are at such a young age is not only impressive, but it is also a testament to your courage and character.  Thank you for sharing your voice with this blog and being a positive example to countless others.  You have truly become one of my heroes.

Bailey – 

You are such a lovely person and I am so grateful you let me into your life a little bit more each week.  We’ve never met and I don’t know that we will ever have the opportunity to meet – this makes me sad.  I hope that one day our paths will cross because you are such a unique and fascinating individual and I know my life would be greatly enriched.  You have so much personality and a strength about you that I think is incredibly rare; love who you are and let your beautiful light shine! You are amazing!

Thank you for taking us on your weekly adventures and sharing your story. I know life can be very challenging and, from what you’ve shared, you may have additional challenges that we haven’t had to address.  I just hope you know that you are loved by many and that all of us on the blog are grateful for who you are and we are all rooting for you!  I also hope you know that you have changed my life for the better.  Thank you for being you!

Dupree – 

I love the visual journeys you often take me on.  I love hearing your dreams, your goals, your frustrations, and your loves.  Your strength and willingness to be who you are so openly and willingly is truly beautiful.  I am so glad you have stuck with the blog and I know that you will continue to bless all of your readers with your sweet personality and outstanding charisma.

I am also grateful for your courage to be so open with your mother, your coworkers, and everyone on Facebook.  I don’t know when I will get to that point (and I will, eventually) but I am so impressed with your strength and I hope you know how wonderful and refreshing it is to watch you be you – all of you – in such a public forum.  Thank you for your sterling example.

Tiff –

First of all, thank you for starting and maintaining this blog.  I know you have been to hell and back and I am so grateful for the example you have been to me and to the countless others who read and share this blog.  The wonderful impact you have made on me and continue to make on others is outstanding. I cannot adequately express my gratitude and love for you!

On a personal level, I am so glad I have had the opportunity to meet you and be counted as one of your friends.  You are a beautiful ball of energy and love and I cannot remember meeting anyone who loves life and enjoys the beauty of the world around us as easily and readily as you.  Thank you for your courage and conviction and your love.  You mean the world to me and I am so glad you are in my life!

Jo –

My dear, once-long-lost friend, I am so grateful you are back in my life.  You are wonderful in every sense of the word.  I don’t think I have ever met anyone so genuine and caring in my whole life!  The authentic manner you live your life is not only encouraging, it is impressive.  I just love you so much!

Thank you for posting your LGBT Voices entries on Facebook so I could anonymously read them until finally, one day, I had the courage to “like” your status and ask you to submit a guest post.  Within a week or two I was the new Monday blogger and I haven’t looked back since.  You are, in large part, responsible for helping me find my voice and myself.  I will be forever grateful for your beautiful example and for your sweet patience with me.  Thank you for everything and I truly hope you know that you are one of my favorite people (you always have been – at least when I wasn’t jealous of your unnatural musical ability!!!).  Much love to you – always and forever!