I hate being sick and chicken...

So I have no idea what this weeks theme is, as usual. I am also sick and totally stressed about freakin finals so there you have it!

So I thought I would talk about insecurities. I think these are things that all obviously have but how we deal with them is so different from person to person. I have a one major insecurity that I have had since I was 9 years old and it is still my biggest enemy today; I have body issues. I have two sides to my family, there is my mom's side which consists of tall blonde haired, blue eyed, skinny people; and there is my dad's side. Heavy, shorter, and full of natural diseases... oh great. Unfortunately I got a mix of both and one major thing was the metabolism of a dead person. Actually they might loose weight faster than I do by simply rotting.

I was always a little bit heavier growing up but at around 9 I knew it. I haven't gone swimming without a shirt on since I was 9 and I don't think anyone has seen me without a shirt on since around then as well, and yes this includes my family. I always have something on.

Honestly being gay I think has only made this worse because when you think gay you think either super skinny twink or beefcake and I don't fit into either of those groups. I am not massive but I am not skinny either. I have a love for water and also one for fashion and so my weight is something that I am always thinking about.

There are a few different guys that I go to school with that I would LOVE to ask out but in the back of my mind I am literally thinking that there is no way they could ever like me because I am not in amazing shape. I freaking hate worrying all the time but at this point I think I have trained myself into thinking this way.

What pisses me off is that I am a great cook and a healthy eater but I think people assume that I am a garbage disposal. I'm not I just have a shitty metabolism. And if you mention the word 'gym' or 'diet' I might punch you because I have done both. I was on a competitive swim team (as in 4-6 hours of swimming a day and meets on weekends) for 9 years, I play tennis, and have had 3 personal trainers. Nothing seems to work so my next step, accepting myself. I have come to the realization that I need to start to love myself no matter what I look like.

This will take time...

The Single Story

"The danger of the single story."  Even within a subset of a group, there is a variety, a diversity.  I think over the years, the world has embraced larger, and then groups within groups, learning to appreciate diversity further and further.  Trans people have many stories to tell, and there are many similarities and a lot of variety through our, what my mother would call, "realities".  Stereotypes come from a "single story" being told about a group of people.  When trans people don't always fit that single story, there is further confusion, naturally.  By learning and being open to other realities, we can expand our worlds.

My story doesn't include a conscious awareness of my transsexuality as a child, but it does include an epiphany as a young adult.  This doesn't make me any less trans than a child that says they're a girl from the moment they can speak.  I would like to transition and have a lesser form of bottom surgery one day, but this doesn't make me more trans than a gender queer youth who desires no form of transition.  Trans people hold the common thread of having a disconnect between their bodies and gender identities, but past that there is plenty of diversity.  I still have to learn how to listen and learn.  It's a skill!

I try mostly to speak within my own experience.  I am entitled to my own opinions, my own perceptions and realities, but not my own facts.  Hopefully, my skills at speaking from my own experience while not denying other experiences will continue to be honed, through practice and precision.  

Gay Family Values

Maybe I've already mentioned my favorite YouTubers before...but I'm doing it again.

Jay and Bryan Leffew with their adorable children, Selena and Daniel, have created a channel called Gay Family Values which basically just shows their family and how wonderful they are as a gay family. They just want to show how they're just like any other family (although a lot better than most, in my opinion). Here's a vid Bryan made on A Gay Collab explaining what his family's blog is all about.

Here's their wonderful love story. I just adore this family. Jay and Bryan are so great. I love what they're doing.

Guest Post: Explaining the homosexual kissy kissy to children

So I was watching Downton Abbey on Netflix and at the end of episode one there is a little kissy kissy section between 2 boys and my Lydia was watching with me, shes never seen anything so far involving the same gender. And she immediately said "Look Mommy! Its like a Mommy and a Daddy but just two daddies" I said "Yep, some times families have a mommy and a daddy, some families like *insert family in our ward* have only a mommy, some families have a step mommy or daddy like Grandma Julie (her step grandma), and some families have 2 daddies or two mommies", her reply "Oh theres lots of mommies and daddies! And you are MY mommy" Ok all the haters out there... how hard was that really?!?!! Shes not scarred for life, shes not going out and kissing other girls on the playground because she saw that, she accepted it for whats its worth and moved on. *Cheers to raising a new generation that accepts, understands, and loves*

I’m Christian Unless You Have an Opinion That I Don’t Agree With

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
–Buddha

Most of us have read THE article ( https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBI63CWoC3Dg6p0n3LbCDDaeKqnf4T1CzapY1YO9jpT36XtJ8hLnZC5YlduODvaAuYgSbJayLYUhk0p136nVRHsRPWd_QLVkUZQ5917FqkpnyDyhkuQTvjLr9XEAl0UeCOeApw6twmDvwh/s1600/LGTB+Hate.jpg ). You know the one. The one that compared single parent families and homosexuals to prostitutes and serial killers. The one where I was shaking with anger and disgust (and hurt). The one where some dude went and shared his opinion.

During my fuming a friend called and asked if I wanted to go play laser tag. Did I ever? I was itching to shoot someone. Lasers would just have to do. When the buzzer went off I was this powerful ball of fury, shooting everyone in my path, absolutely furious at this guy’s audacity to share his opinion. How dare he?! Around the half way mark I became tired and empty, empty from my diminishing anger. I WAS mad at this guy. But for what? He just shared his opinion. I love sharing my opinion (hello I’m blogger) so why was I mad at him. Because I didn’t AGREE with his opinion (and I never will)? But I knew someone who did. When I read the article to my roommate she was totally chill with it. Someone I love dearly thought that that was okay. So why was I so mad at him when I still cared for her? Was it easier to be mad at someone I didn’t really know? Yea, it was. I couldn’t be mad at my friend for her opinion yet it was the same as his.

And all this crazy thinking drew me to a conclusion: Because I had strong opinions, I had the duty to respect (and even value) other strong opinions. So I couldn’t hate this guy, disappointing I know.

Back ground information on me. I was raised (mostly) by one awesome guardian. I also lived with a few not-so-great couples throughout my childhood. But that’s an individual bias. In MY experience the single person was better FOR ME! I’m sure it’s different for everyone, so I wasn’t too happy with his generalization. And this applies to homosexuality. Maybe that is what is exactly best for a child, to be raised by two dads or two moms or one dad or one mom or an uncle or an aunt or grandparents. . . (you get the idea). Who am I to say what is right for any specific child? I may think and believe something with all the conviction in my heart, but I will never know what is best for a single individual.

Did everyone read “I’m Christian Unless You’re Gay”? (AMAZING article! It’s about love, not just homosexuality. READ IT! http://www.danoah.com/2011/11/im-christian-unless-youre-gay.html/2/ ) Can I support that article and really say, “I’m Christian unless you have an opinion that I don’t agree with (and that hurts my feelings)”? No, I cannot. Though I don’t think he had a right to put that generalization on ALL homosexual couples and ALL single-guardian families, but he does have a right to share his opinion. I can be pissed about the way he said it though. Seriously? Serial killers? WTH?

So what CAN I do? . . . Love him. Love the people who raised him. Love the people he condemned. Love my roommate even though we don’t agree. Love the “normal” couples that tried to raise me but left the scars that make me believe single guardians do it way better. Love homosexuals. Love heterosexuals. Love the people who hate me, who don’t understand me. Love the people who hate you, who don’t understand you. Love myself. And love every single one of you and hope you have the power to love and forgive this guy.

Song Of The Week

This song is very personal to me. When I was coming to terms with my grandmother’s passing, I was very angry at the man who was charged with her death, my grandfather. I felt I was in the right to be angry at him, to hate him for taking away the woman who had taken care of me throughout my childhood. But I didn’t want to hold on to that hate, so I forgave him. Sometimes when I write him in prison, I wonder if my grandma feels betrayed that I still love my grandfather. But I think she would be proud of me to be able to move on with my life. This Thanksgiving was hard without her, but she knows that I love her and will see her again someday. So this song is for her and for him and for all of us; may we learn to forgive those who have hurt us and just let it be.

Let It Be —Across The Universe cover (Beatles original)

Happy Thursday

First of all, Happy Thanksgiving!

And second (and most importantly)....Happy Thursday!

Back in high school (all those many, many years ago), my best friend and I decided that there was a serious lack of celebrating in our culture.  We were tired of how commercialized the holidays had become and how much the focus had gone from spending time and spreading love to giving gifts and having cooler decorations than your neighbors, so we made up our own holiday.  We called it Happy Thursday.  Unlike all other holidays and birthdays, it happened once a week rather than once a year and it was always a big deal.  Always.  By creating our own holiday we had no social rules to abide by, no ideas of what the holiday should "look" like or who should be invited to it's activities, should there be any.  It was different every week.  Sometimes, it was simply a phone call to wish each other a Happy Thursday.  Other weeks it involved opening one's locker only to have hundreds of hand-folded origami flowers pour out onto the floor.  There were dinner parties.  There were cards and letters.  There were mini road trips to the park across town.  Thursdays were whatever we wanted them to be, but they were always wonderful, and for no other reason than that we wanted them to be.

I suppose the fact that we can make things our own and create new meaning in old traditions is what I am most grateful for today, and also what I wish for you.  I know that the holidays are not everyone's "most wonderful time of the year."  Some are not on the best terms with their families.  For others, the "reason for the season" might not hold meaning anymore, making the traditions feel hollow.  And for others, the holidays might be the thing they most look forward to.  Wherever you are on the Love-the-Holidays continuum, make it your own.  There are so many reasons to celebrate, laugh and love, and so many ways to do so.  I'm getting all excited just thinking about it!

A very Happy Thursday, everyone!

Happy Halloween... oops I meant THANKSGIVING!!!

Hi Dear Friends and readers... oh wait, I forgot no one reads my posts as clearly reflected by the amount of comments I get. (Yes what I am getting at is that I am a whore for that 'personal' touch, leave me comments so I can talk to you!)

So these past 2 days I was like oh where is the email that tells me what to write about? Oh wait I didn't get it so I know, I'll check the blog... wait a minute why is it saying that the blog I am looking for doesn't exist? BLARGA FLARGA! Not to fret readers, the problem has been fixed and indeed the blog does still 'exist' (internet, the Matrix, what?)

So this week I thought I would focus on a holiday theme so I am going to be talking about my favorite 4th of July foods, Just kidding (although I do hate watermelon, just so you know)! Nope I am going to talk about what Gay things I am thankful for this year. Did you see how I worked in my gayness into the topic, geez I am so magical.

So this year I have so much to be grateful for in terms of gay stuff (yeah I know I speak good english right?) So firstly I am SO thankful for the fact that I am gay! Not going to lie but I love it about myself and I think it makes me unique and fun so yay to my gay. I realize that my third coming out anniversary is coming up rapidly (by rapidly I mean march but whatever); I need to start planning on what to treat myself to! I came out in march of 2009 and have celebrated 2 wonderful anniversaries; last year I bought myself a PS3 to celebrate! (Any other gay gamers out there?)

So the pictures above are what I am going to focus on specifically and that is, I am thankful for Cute gay couples. I am not talking about cute guys because they are everywhere, I am talking about the couples that are adorable and show off how LBGT people can still be romantic and affectionate. So many people focus on the sexual wether that be in straight or other relationships; media has certainly only perpetuated this. (not all media, thank you Pushing Daisies and Modern Family!)

I am a classic romantic and I love a good chick-flick or romance as much as the next crazy teenage girl. I think that the world needs more romantic and loving LGBT couples out there who get more attention. I honestly don't think that people can truly be always angry at the gay couple who are respectful, loving, good neighbors who go to PTA, potlucks, and school fundraisers; those are INCREDIBLE people! I am not saying that you need to have kids to fit the 'good' couple mold; look and Ellen and Portia, they are so cute and loving and AMERICA adores them because they are romantics and great people.

I want more examples of strong and loving LGBT couples out there because, I am tired of people playing the 'it's just about sex' card. It's really not about sex people, if it was just about sex than men wouldn't bother trying to get with anyone when they could just go hump a freaking tree. It is about romance, love, and companionship.

So this thanksgiving I am thankful for Cute, Loving, Romantic LGBT couples out there! I raise my glass of apple cider to you! Have an incredible Thanksgiving everyone!

Oh and in my continued effort to fling my craziness into your life here is a link to my personal blog, careful there is a LOT of me talking about my various adventures as a wizard on there :)

http://dumbledoresdilemma.tumblr.com/

The Other

Yesterday was the Transgender Day of Remembrance, and I think I should talk about that, but I really don't know what to say so I'll offer some scattered thoughts.

Yesterday, yes, on TDOR, NPR's show "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me" ran a segment where they were comparing bizarre headlines.  Which was the real outrageous headline?  Nudist Zombie Attacks Tour Guide or Drunken Transvestite Rides Manatee?  (Mind you, I'm paraphrasing)  Transvestite (the more appropriate term nowadays, or so I hear, is "cross-dresser") is used as an example of the bizarre.  My wonderful girlfriend heard this, and it upset her, so she wrote into NPR and wrote a beautifully articulate, empathetic letter explaining how hurtful this is.  Here is a bit of her letter:

The problem with your usage of the word transvestite is that it was an example of the bizarre, and was also meant to illicit laughter. This stigma is an ugly and persistent roadblock for transgender people. For my loved ones who are courageous enough to come out, many of their friends and family have no experience with transgenderism, except for media portrayals of trans people who are portrayed as having a sexual fetish, acting an outrageous role, or being unrelatable or even crazy human beings. They are taught to be disgusted by or even suspicious of such individuals instead of understanding the risk they take by daring to be true to themselves.

So, how lucky am I? ;)

I was unable to attend the ceremony in Salt Lake that honored and mourned our trans siblings we have lost to violence or ignorance, although I would have liked to attend such a candlelight vigil.

I know we need to speak out against all the violence, and to bring it to the forefront of everyone's mind.  Talk more, not less!  But sometimes as a trans person, I get really tired of hearing these stories, because they're somewhat traumatic and very frightening.  When I identified as gay, I heard about Matthew Shepard and it was terrifying.  Someone could leave me out to die, beating me nearly to death, for being...me.  I had never experienced this kind of inner-terror before.  As a trans person, of course I want more media coverage for violence against trans people.  I want us all to be disgusted.  I do not want a single victim to go unnoticed, or their story untold.

But sitting with my loved one, listening to someone explain how, after beating a trans person, the perpetrator took a large rock and smashed in their head until their skull was basically obliterated, or watching a video (Boys Don't Cry, I recommend) where the transman is raped... and then killed for reporting the rape... Well, it's traumatic, particularly because I have been raped.  I hate that I have had a conversation with my loved one about what I want them to do, or about what they want me to do, if I am attacked.  How is that right, how is that fair?  I know, I know, the world isn't fair.

In the style of Eve Ensler, I am "over" violence against trans people.  And I am over press coverage for violence against certain gay people, but not for trans people.  How am I over something I've only experienced for a couple years?

Funeral and Fiction

I wonder what it will be like when we can categorize all of the different kinds of genders and sexual orientations that are out there, across cultures. The author in me says that it will likely be when we've gone across the stars, gained more knowledge than we could ever hold in our minds, and lose all sense of fear, humanity's first god.

I just went to a funeral for my name-sake grandmother, and there were some awkward jokes and words about those of the not-heterosexual colors. It made me wonder of what it would be like if I was completely honest with them with how I felt--bisexual in orientation and neither male or female in gender. It also reminded me of a science fiction piece I had intended to write that involved axes of evaluations that determined (up to around forty) different types of gender, ten majorly known sexual orientations, and even more lingo for races. I may start up on it again to process more feelings about it all. It's about a woman with a more masculine gender perspective who had a wife killed in a terrorist attack.

I've also felt very distant from most people as of late. I've lost most of my friends over the past year, especially since graduating. I can count all of the people I can go to for close friendship on a hand, as opposed to all of my digits. Granted, I did push some jerks out of the way, and that has included people involved with those jerks. Loneliness is a jerk too, but I can't push him away.

I must tell you this though, Tamarack State Beach? It's one of my favorite places in the world, and earlier this morning, I got to go. It's been almost exactly two years since I've seen a beach, and that was in India when I last went.

Everybody stay ruthless for your truth.

-Amber

Books

I have a lot of books.

Except now I have a lot less books than I once had.

I've been downsizing.

Letting my books go.

Selling them off.

Giving them away.

I thought it would be hard.

But, it's actually really nice.

I feel like I'm setting myself free somehow.

I love books.

They are my everything.

Except that they aren't.

I'm learning that I don't have to keep things just because they are books.

Just because they have pages.

And words.

And that smell of old tree with ink.

I'm a writer.

I used to be a book hoarder.

But not anymore.

Even though I kind of still am...

I decided though, that if it ever came down to it, I could live happily with only 3 books.

Here they are (in order):

1. once upon a time when i was a rabbit

2. If I Ran The Zoo

3. Book of Hugs (that may or may not be the actual title...but I'm leaning towards may)

Those pretty much sum up my personality.

~live your own truth~

Sleeping, Graham Canyon, and Glee to Name a Few

So Wednesday I got pissed. Some stupid teacher with some 1/2 a point question who thought they were so clever decided to trick the class. Go you. You're a freaking genius with a PhD, and I bet you are very proud of that, but instead of showing off to freshmen (cuz it is a freshmen class) why don't you go impress your peers (if you can). Anyway pissy rant over. My point was after that I got up and left the class and went to the library to watch the episode of Glee from the night before. And while it was loading I read the most recent blog post. And what do I find? Nathan and his awesomeness. I read and became happy, and it made me wonder what else made me happy. So I decided to put together a list (in no particular order) of things that make me happy:

Glee and Vampire Diaries and Gossip Girl

Posts on Breaking the Silence

Reading: Unwritten Rule is my favorite, closely followed by Twilight (I can admit it :P); Vampire Academy; Harry Potter (of course); and whatever else I'm in the mood for. Also check out Hard Love and Keeping You A Secret, two LGBT books that I love.

Ice Cream . . . Graham Canyon's my favorite

My friends. Now this one needs more describing. Because while just knowing that I have friends is nice, it’s who they are and what they do that makes me happy. To keep anonymity I’ll just name some things they do that make them awesome!
Introduced me to peppermint white mochas (I’m addicted to coffee because of her and she is dang proud of it)
Crawling on my lap when she is scared
Taking 50 pictures of my dance competition but somehow thinking that isn't enough
Comforting by not actually comforting me. This girl has the most amazing skill of doing things by not doing them. I lovingly call her the Master Manipulator
Listening to my craziest thoughts and still trusting me after everything I've done to hurt him (and somehow being able to still trust him after everything he has done to hurt me)

Anyways . . .

Did I mention Glee? I just love Santana and Kurt. (mini spoiler) I just about cried during the last episode.

DANCING! Anybody want to go to the club because I am always down! I’m also into Latin Ballroom, and competing was the funnest thing. I felt so good after taking the medals exams and somehow passing them.

Memories of my grandma Sara cussing. It’s adorable to watch old ladies curse. Also memories of dancing with my Grandpa Paul and Grandma Sandra.

Doodling. What I do isn’t exactly considered art so it’s been dubbed doodles :)

My job. Crazy I know, but I love it! Maybe it’s the people, maybe it’s the place, or maybe it’s just want I was meant to do. I’m not questioning it though. Shout out to all my grovers!

My family. That shouldn’t be so far down on the list. But I really do love them. Even though I am here and they are there they have taught me so much! My family is nowhere near perfect, but they are perfect for me. That includes Sam and Nicole and Shirley and Stu and ALL you other feud-ers :). I love you all so much! And I’m thankful for ALL the support and love you give me!

Red Velvet cupcakes with straight up vanilla icing.

Dirty Dancing (the movie), Step Up(s), High School Musical (once again, I can admit it), and basically if it has music and dancing I’m there. Along with the mushies like The Notebook, creepies like Nightmare Before Christmas (Tim Burton wins!), and intensities like Harry Potter.

Going for drives

Hitting up the theaters by myself

SLEEPING!

Swimming in creeks and rivers (who needs purifying chemicals when you can play with algae?)

Facing my fears (also known as the ropes course)

RAIN. The harder the better. Dancing in it, hiding from it, running through it, jumping on it, and (hopefully someday) kissing surrounded by it.

PostSecret! If you haven’t seen it, CHECK IT OUT! It’s a suicide prevention website. Most of the time things are just fun but sometimes you get one that reminds you that you are never alone.

Quotes. I keep “sticky notes” with quotes around my desk, near my bed, on my computer. My room is almost covered in sticky notes.

Covered rooms. There are almost no bare spots on my walls due to posters and pictures and art work and just EVERYTHING!

The fact that the RB elevator smells like melted crayons, and the Tanner one smells like weed (poses a lot of questions, I know)

And A LOT (or Alot if you’re a fan of Hyperbole and a Half and if not check it out http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html) of other things! So now that you all have a deep, personal look at the things that make me smile. I challenge you to make your own list. It was awesome to sit down and think about it. You just feel better thinking about things that have made you feel better. And if you can’t think of any, make a list of things you think could POTENTIALLY make you happy, and find a way to accomplish them. Happy writing!

P.S.
Song of the week. So Glee this week was awesome, and I just LOVE Santana and Adele so this mash-up is amazing. It’s been on repeat all day VIA youtube. LOVE IT!!

RUMOUR HAS IT/SOMEONE LIKE YOU- GLEE

Date Time!

(This is totally something that would happen to me)

Hey Blog-topia!

Today I want to tell you about something that I love.  LOVE, love, love.  Ready?  Okay, I’ll tell you. 

I LOVE DATES!!!

Now, before you get carried away thinking that this means I have an extreme liking for trying to get to know a half-stranger over dinner or some awful thing, let me explain.  I love dates…by myself.  (That is not to say that I don’t like “real” dates, especially if they are with someone who is no longer a stranger and that I adore with every fiber of my being and love being around, but that is not the subject of this post).

I’ve always loved solo Jo time, but spending time alone is a lot different than solo “date” time.  “Date” time is planned ahead, thought out and guarded with a vengeance.  Just as the purpose of a DATE date is to get to know or to spend time with someone, the purpose of my solo dates is to spend time with my inner child, my inner self, with Little Jo.  It’s a chance for her to be heard, for her to express her heart, for her to have some unabashed fun.  That is not to say that I can’t be my little kid fun self around others, because I most certainly can, but solo date time is precious.  When someone else is there I say different things, I think and do different things.  Even if the other person is silent they are a shadow, a presence.  (PS I got the idea for solo dates from Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way, which is an amazing book, if you’re interested.)

When I am on a date with myself, I listen to Little Jo completely.  It is a time when I turn off my critic, that nagging little voice that tells me I’m “too old” or “too poor” to do this or that I can’t paint the sun purple because the sun is yellow or that I can’t use that word because it doesn’t exist or that if I act a certain way then I'll be a social outcast forever and on and on.  It's our silly, childlike qualities that allow us to explore and create without inhibition and our inner critics keep us trapped in the "shoulds".  The critic isn’t invited on my dates.  End of story.

Little Jo and I do whatever we want on our dates, and Little Jo always gets to choose.  If she wants to splash around in a tub of bubbles, that’s what we’re going to do.  If she wants to explore a bowl of decadent ice cream with all 5 senses then we will!  If she wants to go to the symphony, for a walk up the canyon, rock hunting, rollerblading on a new trail, on a tour of the capitol, rolling down hills…then we will!  If she wants to finger-paint, explore an antique shop, play at the park, dress up and pretend she’s a hobo next to the river, go to a poetry reading, see how many colors of leaves she can find, go shopping for a new houseplant-friend, watch the sunset, read a book, fly a kite, make a kite, go to a museum, buy a bushel of helium balloons and record herself reciting a poem in French, attend a symposium on astronomy, make paper or take a drum class, by golly that’s how we’re going to spend our date time.  Nothing is too silly for a solo date.  Sometimes Little Jo and I even like to go on weekend excursions, so date time isn’t limited to just a few hours. 

My date time with Little Jo is time of self-discovery, of awakening, of loving and learning and laughter.  It is a time to see with little kid eyes the wonders that are in the world and inside me.  It is some of the most sacred, beautiful and fun time I ever spend.  Hands down.

And now I’m curious….What are some of the things you do to reconnect with yourself, to give yourself a break, to find that unabashed, little kid joy for life?  Do you have a little ritual or practice that gets you out of the box and into yourself?  Anyone??



What? Oh hey there you...

Oh hey there Ryan! What’s that? You said you just happened to be in the neighborhood with a bunch of flowers and wanted to take me to out dinner and mini-golfing? Oh okay, I guess I am okay with that, just let me grab my coat.

HAPPY WEDNESDAY!!!!! I hope I spelled that right? (then again I don't even care.) So the theme this week is and I quote 'whatever the hell you want week' So I thought I would talk about what the hell I want :) see what I did there? Oh so tricky.

So I am 21 and I have never been on a first date or had a first kiss and honestly I think it is about time. I am so freaking tired of it because every other person in this school is getting hitched around me while I stand here. Yep I feel like a cliff face that is constantly getting hit in the face by waves of straight romance from the endless ocean of gag me cheesy-ness. So I think my goal for this next semester is to start dating because being single so far has been stupid. Here's the hitch; I want to be asked out not do the asking. This is tricky because so far no one has done it and I don't know how to get the guys I like to realize 'oh hey maybe I should ask him out'. And this my dilemmas continue.

FUNNY STORY TIME YAY!!!! So here is the scoop. One of my room mates, who I don't mind, has been dating this girl pretty seriously; I am fine with this. It's when they stage a home invasion into my apt that I start to become pissed. They sit and wrap themselves around each other for HOURS in our living room, probably 4-5 nights a week. My tv and videogames and movies are in that living room but I don't want to be around them while they are practicing what they are going to do on their wedding night. So stupid. Not only that but when she get around my room mate she begins to act like this is a cripple who has had her arms and legs cut off. "stop your tickling hurts" "Oh that's so spicy I can't eat that" (It was ketchup by the way). She is in my ward and is totally normal but the second she gets near him she turns into a baby talking blubbering IDIOT!!! I can't handle the pair of them...

So I may have done a bad thing ;) Recently their idea of having fun is to sit in our living room and play sudoku together; They play the same game in separate books in silence, like some freaky race. Here are my thoughts... if you aren't married yet and already your idea of having fun is playing sudoku in silence; then holy shit you are going to have the most boring marriage I have ever heard of. I would die. Well in an attempt to rid my apt of the mating squid couple I went and hid one of the sudoku books... yep I am a total jerk but I don't regret it at all because last night my room mate asked me 'hey have you seen a sudoku book around? @#O*$% is going to come over and play.' I said no to his face and like magic, she never came. I am quite proud of myself even if I might be a jerk.

Moral of the story... I want to date, I want to have fun, I don't want to invade someone's living room, I can be amazingly sly when I need to. Hope you are all going to have a great day and weekend! I am headed of to CALIFORNIA! YESSSSSSS!!!!

Being Misgendered SUCKS

It is unavoidable.  People every now and then use female pronouns when referring to me.  "Oh, I'm just getting this for her."  "Have a nice day, ma'am."  And I know it isn't really their fault-- they looked at my different characteristics, and those read "female".  I still have certain feminine facial features and something I guess you couldn't really call stubble.  I wear a binder shirt to bind my chest, but it works better some days than others.

Yesterday I woke up and wanted to wear something... nice.  So, I put on my Sunday clothes-- button up shirt, tie, slacks.  I shaved, gelled my hair up a bit and I didn't pay a lot of attention thinking about it, but I thought I looked rather handsome.  When my girlfriend got home, we ran and got a double cheeseburger at Wendy's.  When the cashier, obviously new, gave me my food, he got this deer in the headlights look for a second, looked to, where else, my chest, looked up and said, "Have a nice day, ma'am!"  I didn't do anything-- turned, and walked away.  We got outside, and I don't want to be dramatic or anything, but I cried.  Ugh, here I thought I looked masculine, and what did I look like?  Did I look like a butch woman, or a woman dressing up as a man?  He looked at my chest for an answer, and the painful reality was that my body-- my body that is getting in the way of me living a normal life-- , my body continues to betray me.

What does being misgendered feel like for a trans person?  It feels embarrassing, humiliating, and annoying.  It feels dangerously naked.  Completely vulnerable.  It makes you wonder how much you really pass... It felt like I'd made a fool out of myself, and I was absolutely embarrassed.  Which we all know is ridiculous.  I had nothing to feel embarrassed about, and if anyone had any reason to be embarrassed, it was the cashier.  But I went home and changed into a striped polo that's a little bigger on me.  Gender dysphoria makes it difficult for me to truly appreciate my wonderful body.  There are too many features that are an exquisitely painful reminder that I have to struggle for something that should be simple.

Kellie, my girlfriend, and I went out to eat at a new sushi house last night.  A friend of mine works there, and it's open on Sundays, so I thought I'd try it out.  It was a pretty routine sushi night.  Average waitress, good sushi.  This morning, my friend messaged me and we chit chatted, and then she said that she had something awkward to tell me.  Our server from last night had kind of freaked out a bit last night because she couldn't tell if I was a guy or a girl, and my "androgyny" had made her uncomfortable.  Not that she wasn't sure what to address me by, but this woman thought it was her business to be upset because firstly, she couldn't tell if I was a boy or girl, and so, secondly, she couldn't tell if my relationship was heterosexual or homosexual.

There is a very important difference between what happened at Wendy's, and what happened at the sushi house.  Although I think it was inappropriate for the cashier to look at the world's biggest moobs to determine gender, I do think it was a fairly innocent gesture.  He's in the service business, and gendered language is often used.  "Yes, sir", "Thank you, ma'am".  It was very innocent, and I don't really hold him at much fault.

The server at the sushi house, however, completely crossed a boundary.  It is none of her business to be annoyed or disgusted because I do not clearly come off to her as male or female, and it is none of her business to be annoyed or disgusted if my relationship is homosexual OR heterosexual.  In my opinion, an act like this is ignorant, but not innocent.

If you misgender someone, calmly apologize and repeat the correct, desired pronoun, and then move on.  It happens, and it will happen.  When I see someone do that, I see that they slipped up, but they're willing to take responsibility and they take effort to treat me with respect.  And I appreciate that.  It's embarrassing for everyone involved, but I think if you do that, you'll be good most of the time.