patriarchy and female homosexual relationships by e

Lately I have been watching a lot of YouTube video's about what it means to be bisexual, pansexual, a lesbian and everything in between.  I have been watching video's on how to tell if a girl has some homosexual tenancies, how to flirt with said girl, and what mainstream lesbians think of bi/pan/queer folk.  And in watching these videos I've realized something: patriarchy is everywhere!

Patriarchy, is defined by Google as a system of society or government in which men hold the power and women are largely excluded from it.  This is particularly troublesome in the girl-girl relationship field.  Girl-boy relationships are predicable, and easy to figure out.  The boy opens the doors, pays for dinner, makes the first move.  But what about girl-girl relationships?  Who takes the lead, who is the initiator?  What if you both are initiators, or passive gals?  Rarely does one find a relationship where one girl is ALWAYS the initiator and one is ALWAYS passive.  It is more likely that they will switch roles, many times throughout the day, let alone the course of the relationship.  It is also more likely that one will find oneself passive at the same time one's girlfriend/love interest is passive and the same goes for initiators.

[I hope that is it not going unnoticed that I am avoiding the use of the word aggressive, which would naturally be the opposite of passive, but I HATE the word aggressive and anything surrounding it.  I also am trying to be very careful not to call girl-girl relationships lesbian relationships, because that implies that all girls in all girl-girl relationships are lesbians.  And that is just as untrue as calling every person in a girl-boy relationship straight.  Though I guess one way around this would be to call the girl-girl relationships homosexual relationships because they are TECHNICALLY homosexual, meaning comprised of two individuals who are of the same gender.  I guess that's what I'll do.]

So how does one navigate the dark and twisty road that is female homosexual relationships, without that oh so comforting blanket of patriarchy to use as a guide?  I should hope that the answer would be obvious: discuss it with your date/girlfriend/partner/_(other similar words)_.  If one is not sure who is paying for dinner, or who is leading in the dance, or who is opening whose door, I purpose talking about it.

Dating is hard, there is no need to make it harder by trying to play a game, or be coy, or any of that nonsense.  And I need to follow my own advice.

workin' the graves with e

So, I'm back on graveyard shifts...yay! But really, I do love graves, as it gives me time to work on school stuff, catch up on Facebook and Netflix as well as my YouTube channels.

Okay, so the updates.  My friend Kevin, the God unto himself and resident Heathen Gayboy of the group we hang out with, has declared that I'm not bi/pan/queer but rather his lesbian other half, who sometimes has straight phases.  So, there's that.  He says this because lately I've been going out with a lot of guys, but the dating pool of women in Small Town, UT, is quite shallow. And polluted by my crazy ex.

I GOT INTO SCHOOL AT KANSAS STATE!! HOORAY!!  I'm a student of the online Master's of Science in Academic Advising program.  I want to work with college students. Or be a farmer.

I'm trying to get a house, which is exciting.  There is a bid pending on one that I really like and I'm hopeful that I'll be moving in by my birthday.

I went to Pride last weekend and had a BLAST! It marked a year since I came out to my ex-(male)-fiance.  I went with two of my friends and walked around looking at everything and it was really great.  Then we went to the local LDS Temple and kissed in front of it.

what else, what else.... I think that's it....  I still want a wife and I'm trying to figure out how to make that happen in the next 10 years or so.... so yeah....

I hope everyone is doing well and shine on!

She's Coming, And I Worry

Veronica is coming!

She'll be here the weekend of Salt Lake Pride, by accident, how fun is that?
We are planning what to wear for the White Party, planning our whole 4 day weekend.
Plenty of poolside tanning. Plenty of wine, plenty of late night snuggling, plenty of pillow talk.

It's been almost two years since I've seen her.  I miss her and I love her terribly.

But I'm really nervous.  I don't want to sleep with her, but I know that I probably will, given the situation I'll be in.  Tempting, easy, comfortable, sexy as hell.  But I literally DO NOT want to sleep with her.

I told her this and she almost cancelled her trip.  I don't really know how to handle the feelings I have toward her.  Yes, I love her, yes, I'm very attracted to her.  My heart doesn't want the sexual pressure and her reaction to my telling her I didn't want to get to that level of physicality bothered me quite a lot.  I always knew that men wanted me just for my body.  I'm athletic, small, toned, and tan and I have beautiful crazy long brown hair.  I get it.  I never, however, imagined that a woman would want me for the same reason alone and her response made me feel like a cheap cut of meat.

And that breaks my heart a lot because I thought and hoped I was more.

Besos amigos.

catching up by e

Hey ya'll. So, what's new in my world... Well I've applied to gradate school at Colorado State, in Student Affairs, and Kansas State, in Academic Advising.  I love college and the college atmosphere and I want to be around it for the rest of my life.  I think that I'll probably stay in Utah and get a posistion at a Utah university because I like the idea of being a non-Mormon, non-straight person that college kids can come to for help.  I want to be that safe space for people; a sounding board that won't judge no matter their choices.

I'm taking on students for horseback riding lessons and that's gonna be fun.  My students range in age from four to 45.  I'm a little nervous because the horses I'm going to use, although quite broke, haven't been ridden as much as I'd like them to be.  So I'm going to be riding a lot this week.

My girl...well things aren't really happening there and I don't know why.  She wants to talk face to face and lately hasn't been texting as much as normal so I'm a bit worried.

That's everything new in my world! How are ya'll?

Cracks in the Chrysalis

I have found that the closer I get to joy, the crazier my life becomes. It doesn't matter if I'm experiencing joy, finding more people with joy in there lives, or simply becoming more comfortable with joy as a concept, the closer I get to it the faster my life seems to fly into chaos.

This has terrified me. It confirms to me and to others that I am not on the right path, cannot possibly be making the right choices, and that what I have experienced simply can not be real joy. That pleasure and excitement, the buoyant feeling that left me with more love in my heart and kindness for my fellow man could not have been real, must have been a lie because look, just look at what has followed!

I have let chaos rage and howl and send me fleeing back to my cave to wait it out in silence and confinement.

But I'm tired of silence and confinement. I am exhausted from holding myself in a space that was never meant for me, from quieting a song that refuses to be unsung. I am left empty chasing acceptance from a world that is incapable of accepting anything but a lie.

And I finally realize something. Chaos follows joy, not because it wasn't real, but because too much of what I have can only exist in misery. As those things run screaming from my joy, anything that was built upon them will come crashing down. So, do I let it?

Do I let joy be the destruction of my misery and do I let go of all it was attached to? Do I let the cracks appear and consume my cave until I am left exposed and vulnerable in my joy?

This time, am I brave enough?

a weekend get away by e

This coming weekend, my girly is house-sitting for a friend and as invited me to spend some of the nights there with her. I'm so excited that for a weekend, we get to have a place where we can openly show affection!  I'm so excited to hold her hand and cuddle on her during a movie, sneak up behind her and kiss her neck while she is cooking, holding her has we sleep.  To explain how excited I am...there are no words!  EEEKK!!!

What Did One Bisexual Say To The Other?

I realize I've sucked a big butt at keeping my posts regular.  However, in my defense I'm moving in less than two weeks and I have SO much to do.

BUT!  That is neither here nor there.

News, friends.  I went on a date... with a man.  I've known him for two years and we've been able to work together in some really awesome capacities.  Well he finally asked me out formally and we had and ARE HAVING such a fun time!!

He is so many many things and there is so much I could say about what kind of person he is (in a word: beautiful!) but what I really want to tell you is something pretty special.

He is bisexual.  Like me.  He views love like I do.  We love who we love.

At first i was scared.  I'd never had feelings for someone who was fully bisexual like I am.  And I was able to talk to him about it.  My fear, how he feels, perceptions on love, romance, relationships, etc.

And now... It's fucking beautiful.  

the most selfish and brave thing by e

This week's post is about this four minute long clip from the afternoon, American talk show, Ellen: Ellen Page on Coming Out

First off, E's favorite parts and commentary of the clip....
     1:28- Page talks about being trilled to be at a point in her life where she can verbalize it

Coming out is such a personal thing, and it takes being in the right place at the right time.  You have to have the right support system, be in the right type of housing, and have the right kind of job.  Could you imagine losing any one of those things, just for saying that you are not straight or cisgender?  It happens, way too much.

     1:48- DeGeneres talks about coming out being the most selfish thing anyone can do

Coming out puts a lot pressure on those around us to reevaluate the way they see us, the way they talk to us, and the way they talk about us.  It also makes someone reevaluate the ENTIRE way they view not straight and transgender individuals.  Coming out of the closet is selfish because for the most part, it almost entirely only benefits you, but those benefits SOO out weight the costs.  For those of us in the closet anyway.

     2:00- Page talking about her life getting better since coming out

Page talked about feeling less stress, being happier, and everything just generally getting better.  When I first came out, everything seemed so much better, but I wasn't in the right place so things fell through a little bit.

     2:23- DeGeneres talking about how coming out gets rid of the self-shame that comes from being closeted

A million times yes!!  When you are in the closet the shame comes from so many places.  Peer pressure to be out, peer pressure to be in.  Pressure from your internal self to pick which peer pressure to give into.  Self-shame from not being able to choose.  Self-shame from feeling like a horrible person for not being straight.  And coming out, first to yourself and then to others, makes being not straight an okay thing and all of a sudden you have NOTHING to feel shame over! And. It. Feels. AMAZING!!

     3:21- Page talking about getting to be yourself at work, wear what you want and talk about ex's

This is something I wish like hell that I could do, be myself at work. But I'm not that out yet.  I wish that I could be; I wish that I could talk about the people I want to date and why I shaved part of my head, and why I like going to Pride so much that I made getting time off for it a contingency of my returning work when I moved back to Utah.  Getting to be out at work, getting to bring your significant other to work functions and hold their hand...that is the dream I'm working on making a reality right now.

So much that I like happened in this tiny clip alone!! What are your thoughts?

She likes to shock people

Your words stare at me from the screen of my cell phone. Words like Concern. Blab and Rumors. Offensive and Sick. Rebuke with Anger. Risk, Damnation and The Darkest Pit of Hell.

But these are not the words that my eyes are drawn to. Out of all of these things, what sticks in my brain is the one word that should be the least harmful.

Shock.

According to you, I like to shock people.

Mom and Dad, no. I have never enjoyed shocking you.

I never came to you, with my heart in my hands wanting your disapproval. I never desired to look up from a moment of joy to see your faces stuck in that twisted, pained expression. I never relished letting my truth slip out only to be met with your disdain and I never yearned to have the core essence of my being to be so revolting to you.

For years you watched as imitated a pretzel, weaving myself in and around expectation after higher expectation, straining to one day be found worthy of some peace, some praise, some affection.

And now at a time when my twisted, broken pieces are falling away and I am finally pulling myself together, you get a glimpse of what I am trying to build and you are shocked.

Well then; I will meet your shock with my Awe as I crash recklessly into this light because I'll be damned if I continue to live up to your standard of misery.

 I would like to be happy.

Maybe that's what's so shocking.

phobia by e

Phobia  noun  an extreme or irrational fear of, or aversion to, something; synonyms: dread, terror, hatred, loathing, revulsion 

When someone has a phobia of something, most people tend to think that it means they are irrationally scared of whatever it is the phobia is about.  Does that mean that people who are homophobic are irrationally scared of homosexuality?  If so, then I feel that homophobia is an inaccurate label for a lot of people; they aren't scared of homosexuality, they hate it.

But why do we hate things? The things we hate tend to be things that we don't understand, or don't like being around.  If this is the case then could education help homophobics overcome their homophobia?  Granted, if someone wants to get over a phobia, they first have to acknowledge that it is, in fact, a phobia and completely irrational.

I just want people to accept me for who I am.  I want to be able to hold my girl's hand in public without people looking at us like we are odd.  I want to be able to cuddle with her at her grandparent's house.  I want to be a normal, twitter patted girl who is in the throws of a crush.

But I can't be and it sucks.

And I sound like a broken record, I know.  And I almost don't care haha

Once Upon A Time On Taco Tuesday

In Salt Lake City, there is one day a week that is unlike any other.  A day that holds enormous possibilities for romance and flirting.  This day is Tuesday.  Because you can get tacos for a dollar. 

On Tuesday, I had a date.  I think. 

I had asked her if she wanted to get a drink and a taco and she said yes.  There was no one else there and I was pretty nervous.  It wasn't like two friends getting together, it was like... a date.  We were both so nervous.  I put into my mind that I was just meeting a new friend and there was nothing else.

But her glasses sat so perfectly on her nose and her shoes were the sweetest of girly sweet.  And her breasts looked amazing in her summer dress.  

As the evening went on, she bought me a drink and once, upon giving her a high five, our fingers intertwined.  Neither of us let go immediately.  

Then she started to smile at me and not look away.  I would blush, and sip on my long island.  Our knees got closer, we swiveled in our bar stools until we were no longer facing the bar, but each other.  

She recommended a horror film.  I told her I was too scared, she said she'd watch it with me. 

When I had to get up to leave, I said, "I'd really like to see you again...." not knowing how to finish the line.  She didn't miss a beat and said "I'd like that."  

I can't wait.  

homophobia's destructive power by e

I asked my daddy if he thought that I should be able to marry a woman some day. He avoided the question and told me that nothing could change how much he loved me; that parents love their children no matter if they do something the parents disagree with.  He then told me the story of how his friend, a man who loved his son dearly, had to turn the son into the cops because the son was molesting children.  "And I will love you no matter what you do," my father concluded.  Now maybe I'm being too sensitive, but I think that he compared me marrying a woman to molesting children...

One of my best friends is dating the woman of her dreams but their relationship is under fire from the girlfriend's fundamentalist Christian, homophobic family.  Because of this (and a few other things) the girlfriend is feel TONS and TONS of guilt and their relationship is on the rocks.

I'm involved with a girl.  A beautiful and intelligent girl who is in the closet.  And being with her is kind of hard because of it.  I have to accept her where she is at, I can't force to come out, that would be the worst thing I could do to her.  But I hate that I can't reach across the dinner table at her families house and hold her hand.  We have to sneak outside separately when we want to give each other a good night kiss.

I'm jealous that I can't hold this girl's hand any time I want. I'm jealous of couples that can show their affection publicly.  I want that.  I want to be able to show my affection for this girl any time I want to.  I want to hold her hand, kiss her on the cheek, and give her a hug in front of her family without them freaking out.  Why does homosexual affection freak the fuck out of some people?

How Was It?

"So, what was it like?"

"It was great! She introduced me to some wine at her place. We talked all through dinner. She insisted on picking up the check. We awkwardly flirted as we waited for the taxi. Once we got back to her place we got in the hot tub. I think we just chatted and flirted for over an hour before someone was brave enough to make the first move."

"Yeah, but what was IT like?"

What could I say? That I had rarely found myself so eager to drown in someone else's skin? That holding and touching her most intimate parts was like breathing again, or for the first time? That despite the fact that my unbridled desire to devour her made me sloppy and greedy, it seemed like every touch was perfect. Every scratch, every kiss brought a delicious moan to her lips that fueled every following action, until the night sky melted away and there was only this burning, driving force.

I loved her breasts and her thighs and her ass. I loved the little scars on her skin. I loved the way she giggled and reached for a smoke. And I loved watching her curl onto her side as she started to cum. I loved holding her, just holding her, as she fell asleep.

"It was like one of my best fantasies. Only, I didn't know it could be real."

i should have known by e

I should have known that I was gayer than the average heterosexual when I saw pictures of girl/girl couples and was jealous.

I should have known that I was gayer than the average heterosexual when I met girl/girl couples and wished I was gay so I could have a girlfriend too.

I should have known that I was gayer than the average heterosexual when I started fantasizing about what a female coworker's fingers could do to me.

I should have known that I was gayer than the average heterosexual when, as my wedding day approached, I started to wish, desperately, that I had kissed a girl so I could know what it was like before I signed my life over to a heterosexual relationship.

I should have known that I was gayer than the average heterosexual.  But I didn't.  I kept pushing these thought back and saying, "If only I was gay then I could do these things I want to."  I don't know why I didn't stop and go, "E, you are having these thoughts and feelings because you like women; stop wishing you did because you do!"

How many years did I waste, relationships I could have had, relationships I could have avoided, because I wasn't willing to be out to myself?  Why did it take me so long before I finally came out to myself? I certainly don't know!  But I do know that I'm now living as a bi/pan, not straight female and am happy.