I want you to close your eyes and imagine me. Who am I in your mind's eye? What traits of mine shine out? Which lash out? What are my strong points and my faults to you? What is that person that you see--is she even human?
For years, and even now to a small extent, I didn't consider myself human. At times I was just something different, and at others, I was sub-human at best. If there is anything that I have learned in my life, I have learned loneliness in so many ways. I know that we all have in some forms, and that none of us will ever know every single form of loneliness (thankfully.) Being autistic has driven me to express myself in every way possible due to the issues with communication that I had as a kid, and because there are some things that cannot be communicated easily, neurotypical (aka "normal") or autistic. Being bisexual has made me wonder why people will put aside others, why people will not love back based on what they're packing in their pants. Gender does not make a difference to me.
There is one major aspect to both my bisexuality and my autistic inclinations that direct me to keep writing on this blog. They both are not the whole of what I am. They are parts of me, and there's a lot more to me than being bisexual, autistic, nerdy, a strawberry blonde, 11 in men's shoe size, and so on. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. However, they both pervade and affect everything else that I do and am interested in, both to a significant effect.
They are both things that distance me from other people. They are both things that affect the other. Bisexuality does help me understand others more because I can gain a better idea of what motivates straight lovers of both sexes because I like to imagine that what I feel for women is what straight men feel for women. Autism affects my bisexuality because I do not care enough about getting laid or romantically involved to align to a culture or stereotype. It does make me more of a loner in some ways, but it does not make me more cold. It does make me more of an objectivist in some terms.
I dream of a day where I can be known for the entire essence of what I am, and know the equivalent of others through understanding and love.
I hope for a day where no one feels distant from another due to unsure feelings on both sides, ignorance, or apathy.
"Does he not like me?"
"Maybe I shouldn't go talk to him..."
"Does she think I'm too weird?"
"I haven't talked to her for a while. Huh. Whatever."
I hate that. I positively hate it, but people do that for various reasons. They're exhausted from too much social interaction, they don't care enough about the person to go talk to them, they're nervous of how that person might react, perceived positions of status, etc.
That connection probably won't come in my lifetime, and probably would only come through the aid of extremely heightened technology. Human nature doesn't change much despite all of the technology you throw at them for augmentation in various ways. I can only see it happening in a society that has eradicated all insecurity about basic needs like food, water, shelter, physical safety, etc. That perfect connection would further up on the Maslow scale, and the thoughts of the starving children in India that I saw will not disappear from my mind any time soon.
However, taking that insecurity away from the world will need more than a few half-funded NGOs to do so. Thus, I am putting my efforts where I can give my all in the specialty in which I can most effectively give my time. At the same time, I wish to live my own life as effectively as possible. Most of us reading this blog live in the US, and that's a pretty damn big blessing. It's not perfect, but it's amazing what rights we hold. Even better, we fight for more rights in ways that don't end with people getting burned alive in cars.
I write here because I wish to keep advocating for LGBT people, and to give an understanding for those of us that find our LGBT nature while in less stereotypical backgrounds. I also write in order to somehow contribute to that crazy intrapersonal connection.
Thanks for reading,
-Amber
For years, and even now to a small extent, I didn't consider myself human. At times I was just something different, and at others, I was sub-human at best. If there is anything that I have learned in my life, I have learned loneliness in so many ways. I know that we all have in some forms, and that none of us will ever know every single form of loneliness (thankfully.) Being autistic has driven me to express myself in every way possible due to the issues with communication that I had as a kid, and because there are some things that cannot be communicated easily, neurotypical (aka "normal") or autistic. Being bisexual has made me wonder why people will put aside others, why people will not love back based on what they're packing in their pants. Gender does not make a difference to me.
There is one major aspect to both my bisexuality and my autistic inclinations that direct me to keep writing on this blog. They both are not the whole of what I am. They are parts of me, and there's a lot more to me than being bisexual, autistic, nerdy, a strawberry blonde, 11 in men's shoe size, and so on. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. However, they both pervade and affect everything else that I do and am interested in, both to a significant effect.
They are both things that distance me from other people. They are both things that affect the other. Bisexuality does help me understand others more because I can gain a better idea of what motivates straight lovers of both sexes because I like to imagine that what I feel for women is what straight men feel for women. Autism affects my bisexuality because I do not care enough about getting laid or romantically involved to align to a culture or stereotype. It does make me more of a loner in some ways, but it does not make me more cold. It does make me more of an objectivist in some terms.
I dream of a day where I can be known for the entire essence of what I am, and know the equivalent of others through understanding and love.
I hope for a day where no one feels distant from another due to unsure feelings on both sides, ignorance, or apathy.
"Does he not like me?"
"Maybe I shouldn't go talk to him..."
"Does she think I'm too weird?"
"I haven't talked to her for a while. Huh. Whatever."
I hate that. I positively hate it, but people do that for various reasons. They're exhausted from too much social interaction, they don't care enough about the person to go talk to them, they're nervous of how that person might react, perceived positions of status, etc.
That connection probably won't come in my lifetime, and probably would only come through the aid of extremely heightened technology. Human nature doesn't change much despite all of the technology you throw at them for augmentation in various ways. I can only see it happening in a society that has eradicated all insecurity about basic needs like food, water, shelter, physical safety, etc. That perfect connection would further up on the Maslow scale, and the thoughts of the starving children in India that I saw will not disappear from my mind any time soon.
However, taking that insecurity away from the world will need more than a few half-funded NGOs to do so. Thus, I am putting my efforts where I can give my all in the specialty in which I can most effectively give my time. At the same time, I wish to live my own life as effectively as possible. Most of us reading this blog live in the US, and that's a pretty damn big blessing. It's not perfect, but it's amazing what rights we hold. Even better, we fight for more rights in ways that don't end with people getting burned alive in cars.
I write here because I wish to keep advocating for LGBT people, and to give an understanding for those of us that find our LGBT nature while in less stereotypical backgrounds. I also write in order to somehow contribute to that crazy intrapersonal connection.
Thanks for reading,
-Amber
:) amen, Amber!
ReplyDeleteI certainly dream of being able to just be myself and live as I am and having others feel even a tiny bit of understanding for who that is while I also feel a glimpse of who they are, too.