“I breaking up with you, BYU. We’ve had this tremulous relationship of a lot of back and forth and now I’m just fed up and done. I’m sorry BYU, it’s not you. You’re great. So many people love you. But I thought that if I came here I would change and “be good”. I don’t want to be good. I want to be me. I want to be free. And you just can’t provide that freedom. So buh-bye.”
…. Or so I wish I was saying. I don’t know if I’m going to leave BYU yet. I want to. But I also want to get a degree and not feel like a total failure for dropping out. And what is funny is even if I do leave BYU I would transfer to another school so I mean I wouldn’t be completely giving up… right?
So I made the decision that I would make the decision at a later date. I have a job lined up in Provo till August and then I will decide whether I want to stay or go.
But I wanted to make a list of the things I appreciate at BYU and things that I think I would have if I let. You know a pros and cons? Plus I just like making lists :P
BYU:
A prestigious degree
I wouldn’t feel like a failure for giving up
Not a bad degree/career choice
MY JOB!!!
Some people ;)
It’s cheap
… And I’m sure there is more
Other Places:
FREEDOM!!!!
Coffee
Freedom
My family
Being able to like a girl without freaking out about the Honor Code
Freedom
More hands-on degrees
FREEDOM
Getting to go home where I was raised
Freedom
OREGON
PORTLAND
Voodoo donuts
Pioneer Square
The Max
… Did I mention freedom?
I just want a break, a chance to go home for more than a few days. And to not worry every freaking second if I am doing something wrong. I just want freedom. I want to be able to tell the girl I like, that I like her, without wondering if that will get me in heaps of trouble. So BYU, you’re awesome, but you’re just not for me.
will we ever say the words we’re feeling
reach down underneath and tear down all the walls
will we ever have a happy ending
or will we forever only be pretending
how long do i fantasize
make believe that it’s still alive
imagine that i am good enough
and we can choose the ones we love
every move we make
seems like no one’s letting go
and it’s such a shame
cause if you feel the same
How am I supposed to know?
Live your life on your timetable, Dupree! I hope you have SOOO much fun this summer. I think you will. Maybe I'll need to make my way down there to visit you.
ReplyDeleteAre you up in SLC? I plan on coming up for the Pride parade. I think we should all do that.
ReplyDeleteYeah, for now. I love the idea of the parade. My company is a sponsor this year so I feel even more excited to go!
DeleteSomeone took what's been on my mind for almost a year and made it into a blog post. Only I think of Mulan's Reflection.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I forgot to say THANKS!
ReplyDeleteI was just playing that song last night thinking, this has been my theme song for way too long :) So yea, I get it. And you're welcome.
ReplyDeleteone more thing to think about is that BYU will always be on your transcript. When people who aren't LDS see "BYU", they automatically think you're Mormon. I have left the church and embraced my identity, but that "BYU" will always follow me on my transcript, which often leads into an interesting and often difficult discussion in job interviews.
ReplyDeleteGreat point, Barbara! Dupree, I don't think you'd be giving up; it's more that you'd be moving on. And maybe a break for a semester would be enough, or maybe you'll be happier at another school. BYU is cheap and an amazing school, but in a way it's not you: it is BYU. If you don't feel comfortable there, it doesn't need to stay "your" problem. You have a lot of options, and I think the bravery it takes to up and switch colleges is admirable. I don't think you'd have any reason to feel ashamed. And Oregon is gorgeous! If you live with family, you might not even lose much money. :-) But, whatever you choose, you are free regardless. It's up to you. You have choices and power over where you'll study from now on. I hope that's some comfort.
ReplyDeleteDecisions like this are so hard, but I hope that whatever you decide will be something that opens up all kinds of happiness for you. BYU is a good school, but lots of other schools are great, too. I went to BYU right after high school, and there were things I liked about it, but many things that made me crazy. At this point in my life I'm back in school at a less prestigious school, but much happier in a different environment. Even at my age, I love having more diversity around me. Good luck with whatever you decide!
ReplyDelete