A couple of weeks back, my father told me that he and my mom would be considering the possibility of disowning me. I will not deny the fact that I get overly emotional at times. I react from emotions instead of reason and rationality. It is at times a weakness.
It broke my heart that such an option could be so easily considered. The memory of that conversation has weighed heavily on me. It has left me with a feeling of deep pain and sorrow. Though I am happy, truly happy, with all that is going on in my life, I must admit that deep within me I feel that pain. It strikes sharp and strong. For it is the realization of both the pain that my parents feel about my life and the revealing of a crumbling relationship over the past ten years.
In time it may heal. In time things may get better. I feel as though I have tried for so long to keep our relationships together. Now, I feel my heart just can't deal with it. There is poison in these relationships right now. I have struggled with this. I know I want them in my life but I feel so hurt by what has happened that I don't want to pursue a relationship with them further. I love my parents very deeply but right now I feel that our relationship has been blown apart and I don't know if I really have the capacity anymore to pick up the pieces and put things back together.
I realize this post is sad. I wanted to share my thoughts because several of my friends (gay and straight) are going through a similar situation (both worse and better than mine) with their parents. It's true that your biological family is irreplaceable. But I believe that I have seen true kindness in life. Kindness from strangers, friends, and my biological family. So it is my opinion that if I want to make life beautiful for me, I need to make life beautiful for others. I want to make my own family out of all of this. A family of friends where people can feel safe and wanted. I don't believe it has to formal or official. Just simply this: if you're my friend, you have a place in my heart always. You have my ear and my heart. I want to be here for you as long as you will permit me. Let's travel through this life together for as long as we can and notice the small and large beauty that's in it. Ugliness will come, yes, but beauty is ever present.
As for the name of the post. I have an urge for a turkey sandwich. Can you blame me?
the last part cheered me up quite a bit :)
ReplyDeleteHowever, I still feel a lot of pain for you and for your parents. You will always have a friend in me, and I will always hold you close to my heart (mostly because you give really good hugs). :)
I have a hard time understanding how a parent could even think of disowning a child, no matter what the circumstance. I can't imagine God ever disowning one of His children, no matter what they've done in life.
ReplyDeleteBut I like your attitude. I wish you and your parents well in your journey.
a. I have a small issue with the word "biological" when you talk about family... But I know what you meant, dear.
ReplyDeleteb. I'm struggling with the issue of trying to embrace the "family that you choose," when all I really want is for the "family that I'm stuck with" to embrace me.
c. @Gay LDS Actor: Arguably, God did cast out 1/3 of the host of heaven... which you could argue to be "disowning"...
d. I love you so much! *hugs*