Smoking Kills

it kills lung cells,

and allows for cancer to grow

which then attacks the immune system

the brain

the whole body

to the point where it is obvious that death will come

sooner rather than later

but it isn't just death of the body

because slow and painful death

kills relationships

kills the future

kills the peace of mind that comes from living everyday without worrying if your father will die today and you didn't call him yet

Okay, I'm being weird with my thoughts today.

Maybe I haven't mentioned this before, but my dad has terminal lung cancer.

He has smoked pretty much all his life, and now at age 57(ish) he is in constant pain from the damage of his cancer.

He has been diagnosed for almost 2 years now, and if he makes it to January then he will have outlived the doctor's original prognosis.

I'm not sure how I feel about this anymore. The cancer and my dad dying, I mean.

I went through a pretty rough angry phase.

I even wrote some poetry about it.

Maybe I'm still angry in some ways,

but now I just don't know what to do or feel.

He's still alive.

And everyday that I forget to call him I wonder if maybe I'll regret it.

I've tried visiting more than I did before.

It's so hard to see him in pain though.

So hard to see him slipping away along with all my dreams of rebuilding the old Fiat and cherrying out the '58 Dodge with my old man.

At least he's become more docile as he's gone through chemo therapy and now has to face the fact that he could die any day.

I think he appreciates his kids a little more than he used to.

And maybe, after I sift through all the anger issues, I appreciate him a little more, too.

I don't know what I think anymore.

It just hurts.

~live your own truth~