Space

"Trust in what you love, continue to do it, and it will take you where you need to go" 

~ Natalie Goldberg

Sometimes I feel really flighty.  

I never settle. 

I never stay.  

I feel restless.

Always moving.

But not always busy.

It's a calm moving.

A constant moving.

But I'm always changing something.

Or everything.

I have a lot of friends that consider me non-committal.  I don't come down to Salt Lake for social activities.  I don't hang out.  If I am invited to something, I usually don't go.  And the funny thing is I LOVE all these people.  I love them dearly.  I love spending time with them.  I love going to concerts and jamming and playing night games.  I love deep conversations and laughing till my face hurts.  I love chilling and watching movies or having friends over to eat good food and play games.  So why not hang out?  Why not play?  Mostly they've stopped trying by now.

I have a great family.  We can laugh and play for hours.  I love spending time with them... especially the babies.  They mean more to me than they know.  I get sad sometimes thinking about how I'm not much a part of their lives right now, how they'll grow up with all these great memories of their kid-hoods, and I won't be in any of them.  I'll just be this big sister that lives pretty far away and doesn't come around much.  So why not go down more often?  Why not?

I've never held a job for more than 2 years, and it's not because I get fired.  It's not because I hate them.  It's not because I'm an awful worker.  I actually rock at working.  I am a fast learner, a fast worker, and an innovative, creative thinker.  I make a really good employee.  I've been awesome at every job I've ever had.  So why do I leave?  Why?

Sometimes it's just time to go.

Sometimes it's not the right time.

Sometimes.....I don't know what.

That's where I am.  I'm in the "i don't know" place.  I'm here a lot.  I actually love being here.  I love the unknown.   It keeps my eyes wide open and my mind curious.  The world is a wide-open, beautiful place waiting to be discovered, and it's all mine.  But it hurts sometimes.  It hurts when I fail to live up to everyone's expectations for me, when I can't, when doing so would be self-betrayal.  It hurts when I think about the world I used to live in, the values and beliefs and community that were mine, that no longer hold any meaning.  The things that used to be my common ground with family members and friends have fallen away.  The religion that created a place where I was taken care of, where I had all the answers, where I felt I belonged, doesn't work for me anymore.  I wouldn't trade my journey for the world.  I don't want to go back.  Not one bit.  But I understand why people stay.  It's comfortable there.  It's nice to be liked, to do things that people expect, to please your family.  It feels good.  And sometimes I am overwhelmed by the amount of space I have inside me now that I have shed those things that were, for me, false.  

But that's the beauty of the unknown.

There is space.

Lots of it.

Sometimes it scares me.

Sometimes it excites me.

Right now it's making me tired.

But really I'm not flighty.  I'm not non-committal.  I have committed to myself, my heart, my soul.  That's one of the biggest commitments ever, one of the toughest to make.  But it's a lonely place sometimes.  Beautiful.  And lonely.

I don't want your pity.

Or your sympathy.

It's okay to feel sad or lonely.

It's okay.

I just want a place to put these words.

To let them go.

So that maybe I can rest some.