A lot has been on my mind this week. Mostly because I wrote a blog post on my personal blog defending the repeal of Prop 8 and then posted it on my Facebook page. I know that might not seem like much of a stretch because I’m now contributing to this blog but it is a pretty big deal for me. Why? Because I am not out of the closet (I’m not out because I don’t know really how to define myself but that’s probably another post for another time).
Anyway, as I read the shit storm of comments on both my blog and my Facebook page, I started to feel the anger, frustration, sadness, and bitterness well up inside of me that I have tried to hide and reconcile since I was 14 years old. Reading all of these comments from “friends” telling me and whomever else decided to read or contribute that “faggots… are fucked up” and that they are contrary to God’s plan, unnatural, etc., really reminded me of the self-loathing that I have carried with me for nearly half my life.
Days later I am still fighting these feelings off and I am doing all I can to remember that I have worth; that I may be “fucked up” but it’s not because of who I’m attracted to. It’s hard and as I strive to love myself I am sure that I will continue to battle off these feelings of insecurity as I make every effort to accept who I am –all of me.
I guess the hardest part of that acceptance stems from my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I realize I am preaching to the proverbial choir here but it is such an integral part of my being that I don’t know how to turn it off any better than I can turn off my sexuality.
I have taken breaks from the church but I always seem to find my way back into it. I graduated as my stake’s valedictorian from seminary, I gave two years of my life to the church as a missionary, and I graduated from its flagship university, BYU. Because I am so vested in the Church and because it has played such a huge part in my life, the insults that come from ignorant members bite harder and hurt more than anything else.
I know a member of the church who raped and molested his daughter only to be welcomed home from prison with open arms. This same pedophile that stood every Sunday and bore testimony to me about the importance of honoring my priesthood confessed to heinously defiling his daughter 3-5 times a week over a seven-year period. He went to jail for a year and half and then moved back into the ward boundaries. His wife welcomed him home and so did the ward and the stake. I found out a few weeks ago that he has been re-baptized and that his temple covenants have been restored. It literally makes me sick.
But, don’t worry, if I come out as gay or bisexual or whatever the hell I am, I will be excommunicated and considered fallen from grace.
I am getting angry, starting to ramble, and I need to end anyway. As I send you off into another week, I want to share one of my favorite songs that describes something I’m sure all of us can relate to. Thanks for all your strength and for your examples.
All my love,
MJ
A couple of things came to mind while reading your post. First, there will always be some sort of opposition when it comes to being true to yourself (whether that means coming out, coming in, leaving the church, staying...). It's hard, but be true anyway. Second, I admire you for having the courage to post your honest opinions even though you knew the people you loved wouldn't necessarily agree. That's hard shit. And third, you are NOT fucked up. Not because of your sexual orientation. Not because you have a slew of different emotions. Not because you are confused and can't seem to "make up your mind" or "choose a side." Questions and confusion and vacillating are part of the process. I don't really know where you are or what you think/believe, but you're not fucked up. Don't believe that for a second.
ReplyDeleteJo, you may not have known it but I have looked up to you for years. You are one of the kindest people I have ever known and I appreciate your kindness today, more than ever. Thank you for being you.
DeleteWhat?? You're stalking me?? :)
DeleteGive or take a decade, yes... ;)
DeleteI found this blog after a good friend of mine came out to me as bisexual. I'm straight, Mormon, and have been pretty conservative most of my life - although I'm getting more liberal by the minute. The people who respond to you with hate are the ones who are fucked up...not you. It baffles me that people who call themselves Christians are the ones who tend to be the most hateful and bigoted. I know that there are a lot of stupid people out there who say stupid things...and there's a lot of education needed to understand homosexuality (especially in the Mormon church). But please realize that there are also a lot of us who are Mormon and not bigoted. I'm a mom, and it would absolutely break my heart to see my child be treated that way. I'm so sorry. Thank you for just being yourself, for breaking stereotypes and helping people to understand. No one should have to choose between their sexuality and their spirituality.
ReplyDeleteTiffany, I don't know you but I love you. Thank you for being a compassionate voice in a choir of misunderstood, misdirected vitriol. I wrote this post as a way to express some of my deepest, darkest pains. In reading your response, as well as Jo's, I truly received a portion of Gilead's balm and I do feel a sliver of hope. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment, I truly appreciate it.
DeleteThank you. I'm not sure why I have such feelings about this, but the more I learn, and the more stories I hear, I want to be a voice for change. I know I'm not alone - my sister and my cousin both feel the way I do. And I've found a community of people online through facebook (Mitch Mayne, Joanna Brooks, Carol Lynn Pearson, Kendall Wilcox...and other wonderful bloggers who are much more articulate than I am). I know a lot of members of the LDS church who love the gospel, but struggle with their testimonies because they have gay friends who they love. I sincerely believe that a loving Heavenly Father loves his straight and gay children equally. I see no difference. I have hope that change will happen - I wish it could be soon so fewer people would be hurt along the way.
DeleteTiffany, I sure wish there were more people like you in the Mormon world...and the bigger world, too. And, if you're ever interested in doing a guest post for this blog, it'd be great to have your voice. send me an email. tiffanydemings@gmail.com
DeleteThank you! That would be awesome. My email is contacttiffany@gmail.com. I think I tend to ramble more than anything but I'd love to be involved if I could help promote understanding in some way. I love your blog - I read it all the time. I love the honesty and courage of all the bloggers. It's not easy to be one's authentic self if this world...you guys have created a really great support system. Thanks for sharing it!
DeleteMJ, I don't even know what to say other than thank you for posting this. It's sincere and definitley the kind of truth that a lot of us have to face coming from a religious background.
ReplyDeleteI remember when I first posted on my facebook a satirical list of the top 17 reasons gay marriage is wrong. A lot of people expected to read it and find valid reasons for gay marriage as wrong, and I think a lot of people were surprised to find that the list was actually making fun of the stupid reasons people have come up with to say that gay marriage is wrong, and in a way showing that there's really NOTHING wrong about it. I had a lot of people comment on that. And a lot of people made some pretty stupid, very naive comments that reflected the way they took one tiny bit of religion and used it just to point out where other people are bad or flawed or whatever.
If there is one thing I have learned in my journey of coming out and giving a voice to my inner self it is that I am beautiful. I am wonderful. I am amazing. And I am all that just as I am already. There are a lot of fucked-up things when it comes to the way people treat religion, but I have to echo Jo and Tiffany here when I say that you are not fucked up. You are absolutely amazing and beautiful for listening to your heart and honoring yourself enough to take the plunge of sharing your feelings and experiences with us and for doing so in other realms of your life.
Your video at the end demonstrates just how fucked-up religion can be sometimes. I believe in feeling my feelings. I believe in facing my problems or my thoughts or my emotions rather than ignoring them and letting them destroy me in repression. I wish so so much that more religions and religious people would leanr how important it is to talk about things and especially to allow oneself to FEEL.
Thanks again, MJ! I really appreciate your unique voice. :)
Tiff, you are a wonderful person and I am glad to have the opportunity to get to know you better. This blog has given me the chance to open up about things I have shuttered away for so long that I frequently find myself wishing there were more Mondays in the week. Thank you for adding another bolstering thread to my support line for when I can truly be "all that just as I am already." You're wonderful.
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ReplyDeleteI really loved that song. My roommate actually believes that. She thinks I can just turn it off. If I stopped thinking about it and completely ignored that side of me then I wouldn't be being true to myself. Being in the Church and homosexual is hard. I still go to BYU so I HAVE to be Mormon but I wonder if I didn't would I leave the Church? IDK... it's a hard thing. And sorry everyone is ragging on you for being you. Just remember that if they truly love you, it won't matter who you are attracted to. And it's hard to find out who can't handle that.
ReplyDeleteThe satirical irony of the song is pretty entertaining - plus it's SO catchy. I figured that, if nothing else, the readers and writers of this blog could appreciate the sentiment behind the song. As members of the church it's true, we are all told to put on our "happy faces" and accept trials and challenges at face value and to just "get over" them. You know? "Find the box that's ________ (gay, sad, frustrated, confused, upset, etc., etc.)and CRUSH it. Okay?"
DeleteAnyway, thanks for your comments and for being you!
MJ, I can't believe he only went to jail for a year and a half... That makes me sick too. So so sick. Pedophilia really disturbs me, more than any other sexual abuse. I really hope that he's actually a changed man. Kudos to mom Tiffany above for her comments, and to everybody on this blog. And I agree with Dupree that it can be super tough to be gay and Mormon. I'm bi, which is slightly different, but can also be tough. All I can say at the moment is that you are definitely NOT fucked up (wow; I almost never use the f bomb. Hehe).
ReplyDeleteAnyways, all I can really say otherwise is that the church has all the basics right and a great deal of truth but still has a ways to go in how we culturally treat and teach each other. And I think the pressure to improve there is growing and will continue to grow, as shown by mom Tiffany's remarks. Some good news that I got from my mum the other day is that in response to many teenagers and college-goers leaving Mormonville over the lack of dialogue on issues in the church, they're going to be integrating a discussion of our flaws into the Sunday School manual. So we'll be talking about polygamy, blacks not receiving the priesthood for years, and other such struggles. Hopefully that goes down well (so much depends on the class/teacher) and hopefully the brethren choose to include same-gender attraction on the list of things to actually talk about and come to a better understanding of. I'm glad that we'll at least be talking about more things though. That's needed; communication is so key, and maybe the church will get better and better at it with the practice they'll incorporate in.
I'd love to see changes such as the above bring a better understanding of mental health and sexuality into church discussions and cultural ideas. Because there are so many things that are just misunderstood and that are not talked about in a helpful way. And it comes at such a great cost: look at the depression rates and suicides and misunderstandings and guilt complexes. I'd love to see the church's general understanding of those things improve. And, as it does, I think it'll start to become clear to more and more people that the whole "turn it off" idea is completely absurd. You can't turn off attractions, or depression, or anorexia, or anything else that people might not want to talk about. That's not possible and trying to turn things off or just ignore them does not help anything. But the song is catchy. :-)
Good luck dealing with those who need some more education and compassion. We'll all be here for you come what may and God definitely loves you as much as He loves straight guys. "Anybody who says differently is selling something."
With the digital age, it's a lot harder to sweet some of the more unsavory facts about the church under the rug, eh. I don't think that the church necessarily hid this information but I don't think ignoring it and giving the standard answers (pray, read your scriptures, go to church) are enough anymore. I too hope to see changes made but I still think we are decades and a generation or two off before any significant progress can be made.
DeleteThis post and the comments just make me love you all. All of you. The end.
ReplyDeleteI wish there was a "like" button on Blogger.
DeleteAMEN! I was thinking the same thing as I read this.
DeleteI am female/southern/58/LDS. I don't think you're screwed up - I think the mother who let the father back into the house after he raped her daugher is the one that is screwed up.
ReplyDeleteI've always felt that we are attracted to whom we are attracted to. I think we're born that way. I'm pretty sure that you are more please to your Heavenly Father than that pervert. I am pissed, pissed, pissed that they would restore him membership and his recommend. I'd like to kick him in the balls.
JustMe, thanks for reading and commenting; it means a lot to me and I'm sure to the other authors of this blog, too. I don't know how you found us but I'm sure glad you did!
DeleteI agree with your comment, though, the mother who let the douche bag back into her home is screwed up... If you happened to see the movie "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo," I think that her rapist's punishment is more apropos (but still not enough).
Attraction is a weird thing, for me at least. I've read Dupree's comments and thought maybe I'm pansexual because I am attracted to many different qualities, both physical and mental (and spiritual, emotional, etc). For years I have thought I was bisexual because I have had successful relationships with women and I've even been engaged twice but, when I was honest with myself, I realized the reason why I ended my engagements was because I was afraid of who I was inside. I didn't think that the marriage would be fair or honest.
I later dated one man and while I felt more honest with myself than ever before, he ended up being a GIGANTIC train wreck and I still felt like I was missing something from our relationship. Does that make sense?
Anyway, I am on a path to self discovery and I sure hope this blog can help me along that journey. It already has and I sure hope it continues to!
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