Today I think I want to talk about my frustrations with being a pansexual. Here’s the thing, I don’t know how to label myself, nor do I really want to label myself, but sometimes it’s easier to classify myself then to be “I’m just too dam unique to explain”. Pansexual is the easiest (and closest) to use. But me… I have this thing. I like people. A LOT OF PEOPLE. Seriously I can be interested in like five people at once. It’s crazy. But it makes sense. It’s not like I’m dating anyone so why limit myself?
Anyway that was just a pre-cursor to what I want to talk about. I like this person. No hints shall be given as to who this person is because I CAN NOT have them now. Why you may ask? Because it’s a girl. And I go to this lovely little school where that isn’t allowed. And I’m okay with that. I love the education I am receiving and I’m gonna stay here till I graduate in two years.
Once again that was just a pre-cursor. The real question I have is, how can I like girls but not be allowed to date them? I’ve never dated a girl, never kissed one, held one’s hand, or done anything intimate with a girl. So how do I say I’m attracted to females? I guess the same way I was attracted to boys before I ever dated one.
The other day (when I spoke to UVU’s sexuality class) a lady asked if I was thinking about dating and marriage. I told her no but the answer is I think of it all the time. So the FINAL question: what’s the point? My love life has to be on hold for another two years. What’s the point of saying I’m a pansexual, when I can’t show my attraction to females? What’s the point if when I meet an amazing girl I’m not allowed to take her out on a proper date?
So this is my song for the week
I Need A Doctor- Dr. Dre, Eminem, Skylar Grey
I don’t know why but lately I’ve just been listening to artists from my past. Eminem is definitely one of those artists. One of my best friends mentioned the other day that this was our theme song. It kind of made sense.
This is a good forum for you to share your frustration - most of us went to BYU or are currently attending it. It is an incredibly difficult cross to bear and we can all empathize.
ReplyDeleteI've told myself that I am bisexual for years and I was able to date girls while at college. It was frustrating,however, because I had no way of trying to understand another part of me. I couldn't ever outwardly express any interest in another man. Now that I have graduated and I know that my degree is safe, I have been able to find myself more and it has been worth it. It's still difficult (and I'm sure it always will be) but I am glad I'm on my current path!
BYU sounds really fucked-up.
ReplyDeleteForgive me, Dupree, but I don't understand...this is probably my blatant lesbian mind speaking, but if your'e pansexual and therefore are interested in all types, then why not just focus on the boys you like instead of these girls... I guess it just seems like as someone who is attracted to boys you have something that most lesbians (at least in the beginning of their processes) dream of having.
Maybe I need to gain a greater understanding of bisexuals and pansexuals. I just don't get it.
Do you really think you can last two years at a university where you're not allowed to date girls or have your own opinions? I couldn't do it. Good luck, lady.
I've decided, Ry, we should be best friends. Just sayin'.
DeleteI do focus on boys, like I said, I like A LOT of people. So I really can't relate because I have no idea what it would be like to not be attracted to boys, just like when my straight friends don't understand me being attracted to girls, I don't know what it's like to not be attracted to girls.
DeleteAnd I can have my own opinions. I'm allowed to SAY that me being with girls is okay, just not allowed to actually be with them. And yea it's frustrating as hell but I've already wasted 10,000$ in this place and the credits don't transfer well so I might as well stick it out and then get the hell out. :)
As for not understanding being bi- or pan- well... I don't know how to describe it. As for Pansexual, just imagine that there was no limitations on whom you would date. Naturally you would only date those you truly "clicked" with but things like sex, age, WHATEVER... it just doesn't matter to me. And that's what being a pansexual is like for me. It's like complete freedom.
Doesn't sound much like freedom, though...maybe it's just your church and school?
DeleteAlso, I asked Addie about that being allowed to say being with girls is okay...she says if you're Mormon you're not allowed to say that or you get kicked out (I may be exaggerating, but that's the gist of what I got out of asking). I've heard of people who can't go to temple anymore because they support their gay children in the "gay lifestyle."
I still don't understand the pansexual thing. I mean, in that case isn't everyone a little pansexaul? I'm sure every lesbian could tell you they found a man attractive in some way or other...and totally clicked with them and could even maybe enjoy having sex with them. The age barrier is more of a cultural/social thing. It isn't that people can't or aren't attracted to people of different ages; they just don't normally pursue those relationships...
I"m curious though... what do you consider a "proper date"? Because when I first asked Addie out it was to watch a movie or go on a hike or have a picnic or something. Can you get kicked out of school just for hanging out with girls? That's all dating is...at first.
oh, MJ, you got it. I'm all about having friends :)
DeleteYou're right. A lot of freedom doesn't come with going to BYU or being a part of the Church. But I choose it. I hate going to college but I love my job that is through BYU. My next post is going to be about that so I'll leave it at that.
ReplyDeleteMaybe everyone is a little pansexual. Idk. All I know is how I feel, that my attraction to females is more than just a whim, it's a part of me. Figuring out that it was an integral part of figuring me out. I never thought the way I was attracted to people was normal. But when I discovered USGA and looked more into my own sexuality I realized that it may not be normal but it was okay.
And yea maybe I could focus more on the boys, it would make my life easier, but what about the girls I like? I get that if I just ignored it, it would probably make my life easier but it wouldn't be ME. Does that make sense?
Dates: hmmm... IDK. I've never really dated anyone. I've been on maybe four dates total in my life? So yea I have no idea what a proper date. Maybe that is a question you can answer for me :)
Hope that clears things up but if not just let me know.
I've been thinking about this lately, and I feel like I've come up with a few things that make me feel a little more understanding. You said that you just started figuring out your sexual orientation in a sense, and that your attraction to girls is a part of you. So, would you say that it's kind of like this new area that's never been explored? Or, like this is the part that you have to figure out more because your attraction to guys was never an issue, but suddenly it seems your attraction to girls is bad and wrong and you're trying to understand what you think about it??
DeleteI think that the definition of a "proper date" is up to you, really. Dating between heteros seems to be a very established sort of game with lots of rules (although I admit this is changing with time). But, gay dating doesn't have rules. Do whatever you want! Like I said, when Addie and I started dating (when she was still Mormon and she didn't know we were going on "dates") we just hung out. We went to the park and played on the swings. We hiked up the canyon. Went for walks around the pond. Watched movies. Ate dinner together. Went out for ice-cream. And, actually, we still do those things. We still hang out and go on dates. It's really about spending time with someone and getting to know them and letting them into your life.
Okay, I've thought about it some more, Dupree. And I did a little bit of research on the Kinsey scale thing--how 0 means completely hetero and 6 means completely homo, but how most people fall somewhere in the middle, and that it actually changes somewhat throughout people's lifetimes.
DeleteI'm sorry if I came off the wrong way in my posts, but I have to admit that you've helped me look at this point of view in a different way and to look into it further. I think I'm starting to understand a little better, but of course, I'm not in your shoes and so will never know completely what your process is like.
Thanks for sharing!
Well thanks for handling me calling you scary so nicely :P I've never heard of the Kinsey scale, maybe I will check more into that.
DeleteAs for your questions:
Yea it is kind of a new area I haven't explored. I tried to come out in middle school but the only lesbian I knew flat out told me I wasn't gay. Maybe that's why I am so sensitive about it, because a lot of people have told me I'M NOT gay. But I know that what I feel for girls is more than what the average girl feels. Anyway... but I pushed it aside, always having little crushes on girls, until college and I discovered USGA, and came out, and etc. But you know BYU, doesn't leave too much room for exploration which is my original frustration.
Yea my attraction to guys has never been an issue. Imagine living your life basically attracted to everyone. That's what it is like for me. And maybe that's not what a typical pansexual is. But pansexual is just the closest term. So IDK. I'm still figuring it all out and I'm sure I will be for a while. :)