This blog has done some great things with getting me to express myself to me. And express myself to others. It even almost helped save my relationship. It has done great things, but I think it is time to close. I think it is time to end. Because now that actually have real emotions to write down, I don't want to. Because I have been spotty at best. Because half-Asian decided to start reading these, and I don't think it is fair to me to have to cater to him when I write.
My feelings now involve a lot of, surprising enough, emptiness. With a drizzle of sadness that seems to be filling that void I've created. Slowly but surely rising, letting me know that this relationship was ruined by us.
I lied. I never cheated. But I lied. And that is unacceptable. Because my relationship developed into that unhealthiness that you only read about where we both lied, to save face, to give the impression to the other person that everything was peachy. When it wasn't. So, we lied to keep up the appearance of goodness, just like Mormonism does.
Yesterday, I told half Asian that some part of me wants to get back with him. Again, I lied. It isn't some part of me. It is the large majority part that wants him. But I'm not getting it. Too many hurtful things said. Maybe not the strongest examples, but some I'm willing to share.
Me: "Half Asian, find someone perfect for you. Please. Do."
Half Asian: "I won't. You were it."
Half Asian: "When we first broke up, I thought about calling up the honor code office, but then thought that would be the most A-hole thing anyone could do. The second time, it didn't even cross my mind. But this time, I want to."(Last line paraphrased)
Perhaps most surprising of all, I'm not reacting to this final breakup with anger or even my pet emotion, cynicism. I'm reacting with emptiness.
I know half-Asian will be reading this, so I want to say this to him:
1) I will miss you, and I'm sorry for everything.
2) I only want two more interactions with you. You giving my stuff back to me. Second, you reading this blog post.
And I'm done. And the links are in remembrance of happier times.