Acceptance of Oneself

I relate to three very distinct identities, and I’ll go over each one-at-a-time. The first one, being LDS/Mormon, has been deeply engrained in me as a kid and stuck with me, even during a period of time where I didn’t consider myself one. The values and morals I learned came strongly from my family and extended family, most all of them being LDS in some degree. So I guess you could say that particular others played a strong role in how I viewed myself that way.

It wasn’t always this way, however. Because I also am a member of the GLBT community, I viewed myself when I first came out to my family and friends as not involved in any way with the LDS religion. But as time progressed, I realized that I wasn’t happy with not having religion in my life, and it was my constant feeling as time progressed. Religion was what I based my life on, gay or not, and it gave me happiness in a way that couldn’t be found in any other way.  Secondly, I consider myself musically gifted, as I mentioned.

I’ve taken piano for 9 years and played for about 15 years now, and enjoy expressing myself through this medium. This is important to me because of both the particular other (my family and friends) and the generalized other in mix. The first one is obvious: I enjoy being able to touch my close friends’ lives through music, a medium that I understand and can use. However, I also want to influence society at large, and society can be taught so many great norms that I can do through music. Some of these include temperance, love, devotion, happiness, and so forth. It isn’t about attention for me but rather what I can communicate through music that I cannot otherwise.

Finally, I consider myself somewhat of a geek. This was engrained on me since childhood, as I was considered very smart and into new things. I constantly wanted to be challenged, and even some of my old teachers mentioned that I would get bored easily because I felt like I wasn’t being challenged enough. Plus, I found I love using technology, namely computers and so forth. I’ve worked in technical support for a major wireless company, which I loved doing and could fix virtually any problem that was presented to me. At first, I considered it a negative label because I didn’t have many friends and was constantly teased as a kid. But as time went on, I accepted this as part of who I am, and quite frankly, I love knowing that much more than some of my peers. It’s an identity which I love to show out there.  Moving on, there were many identities that I have that have changed over time, such as being a Democrat/Liberal, open-minded, humorous, and pro-gay.

I will elaborate on being open-minded, for I wasn’t there for a time. It was a difficult change for me because in the LDS religion, you’re taught to view things of a negative nature as bad and to not explore them for fear of temptation to do evil or sin. I’m sure this is how it is with many religions, but it is strongly expressed in this religion.  Well, I did because I knew I was gay, something that completely contradicted the church, and so I ventured out into that aspect of myself. These experiences made me realize that I need to accept things objectively. Great and awesome ideas come from those outside of the church while at the same time hurtful and detrimental ideas also come, which made me inquisitive into how everyone works out to be. It’s simple really: I can be exposed to anything I would like but don’t have to take it at face-value. I can, for myself, decide whether something is of worth to involve myself with or to shun out based on my personality and beliefs.

Being involved with the LGBT community has taught me that. Now I’m happy to be open-minded to anything and everything and not take a side until I understand both sides.  Finally, on the activity of those who gave me traits, I was pretty surprised at what people view me to be. I consider myself very shy just because I don’t have many friends and don’t like talking one-on-one with people. I get intimidated and scrambling for things to say because I don’t usually stand out in a crowd. Why I mention this is because I had nearly half the class say I have an outspoken or outgoing personality. I do definitely in class because I’m passionate about learning (always have been), so in that respect, I can see why people would see this in me.  I will admit, however: I would love to be known as outspoken in real life. I guess it’s my past that changed how I viewed myself. I was always shy as a small kid, and I guess it carried over into the person I am today. Maybe I should get out more and enjoy life and talk to people. I’m sure they can’t hurt me, right?

(Excerpt from my Thinkpiece III assignment- COMM 1010)

Introductions and Greetings!

I

Well good morning and hello! Is the graphic a bit much? ;)

I found a request for "Breaking the Silence" for blogging, and I'm happy to be able to write for them! It took me a bit to get started, but I'm happy to report I'll be writing just random things, posts, requests, poems, and personal experiences as it relates to my own ideas. So without further ado, let's begin!

I guess the best way to start is by introducing who I am and why I want to blog. My name is Terence Waters, a 29-year-old gay man living in Salt Lake City.  I currently do freelance work, graphic design mainly, along with another full-time job, being a full-time student, and have many hobbies. I've found a lot of enjoyment in various activities, but particularly in the arts, including playing music and piano, the theatre, drawing/sketching, reading and writing, blogging, public speaking, technology and telecommunications, PCs, dining out, networking, and the business world. I also crave knowledge, for reading is a beautiful thing, especially when it involves current events and so forth. I'll constantly post interesting reads I've found on Twitter, Facebook, and Google+, and love just gaining insight on anything and everything!

In my personal life, I've experienced quite a bit in my coming out story and sexuality, and I hope that somehow my experiences I write about in my blog posts touch those who decide to read them. I hope to also help some of those experiencing trouble dealing with same-sex attraction, especially in wake of the LDS (Mormon) Church and its principles, for I was exactly in that same place. Because of my experiences and trials, I found that reaching out was the best way to help me deal with my worries and feelings, and maybe my blog posts can help you as the reader if you're in this situation as well.

To backtrack, I was (and technically still am) a former member, and still recall how difficult it was to be able to come out and talk about myself to my family, my friends, even to me solely. My father was a Bishop and Stake High Councilman, my mother a Relief Society President, both still married, enjoying life, and worked hard for their income each day to provide for our family.

As for me, I was in the Aaronic Priesthood, consequently trying to understand the urges I was feeling as a teenager while at the same time being full-time in school, working through life, landing a scholarship for college, and graduating as one of the top students in my high school class. After coming out (i.e. explaining openly that I am a gay male) during college, I then experienced various trials, confusion, and even diseases and health problems in relation to trying to find my true self. But through constant understanding and love for myself, great emotional and spiritual help, and overall amazing friends and family, now I can truly say I am a happy person for being the person I am today: gay, a designer, and a newly mature man based on my trials and experiences received. It is not just about the same-sex attraction in my life; rather, it is instead a part of me that still allows me to be a productive member of society...which I now can say has enlightened my life.

I plan to use a lot of these details (both good and bad) in future blogs, for I do not wish to bore you personally as my reader right off the bat here. Instead, I wished to give you an understanding and knowledge of what it is I truly wish to write about and to introduce myself to you, the reader of my post in "Breaking the Silence". I'm rather excited to get started and share some of my personal experiences and life's journeys to better help you, the reader, see what great things a man or a woman can achieve while also being a part of the LDS/Mormon AND LGBT Community. And also, I'll add some fun stuff, like poetry, random, appropriate jokes I'll encounter, and even personal experiences that I hope will entertain and inspire you!

Finally, I welcome comments and will read each one received. Feel free to ask questions, and I will make a reasonable effort to respond if I am able. :) Come, my fellow reader, and explore with me the deep, inner regions, of my inner psyche. Be amused, entertained, and uplifted ;)

~Terence Waters
@terrokkinit on Twitter
Terence Waters on Facebook

If You Don't Go to Church, Then Why Do You Care?

As I delve deeper into LGBTQ Mormon activism, surrounded by individuals attempting to reconcile their sexual or gender identity within traditional Mormon spaces, others increasingly ask me this question. As a result, I have even begun to ask myself this as well. Indeed, I am no longer attending church, so why do I care about LGBTQ Mormon movements?

First, I think it’s important to point out the implications this question has: in order to identify religiously, one must regularly attend church services. For many of us identifying as LGBTQ and Mormon, ex-communication and being forced out of religious spaces is a common experience, and our desire to worship is disregarded. Thus, the problem with defining identity in terms of church attendance is that it erases the history of many LGBTQ-identified individuals, people who have been forced to leave and find religion some other way. Additionally, this definition of a religious identity prioritizes one way of having a religious identity over others. For me, this means I see the potential in non-active church members working with LGBTQ religious movements. Because disregarding current activity status, I at one point in my life was carrying out both my queer and religious identities simultaneously. Because I remember the pain and want to help create a space for others in situations I once was in. I also see connections between the LGBTQ Mormon movement and other issues within the Church, such as feminism (both struggle with the prevailing patriarchy). Many of these issues remain close to my heart and ones that I want to see resolved.

And truth be told, it’s not as simple as stepping away from the Church. Many of us are born into the Church, and brought up in Mormon households. Our households and families remain Mormon, despite our lack of involvement with the official Church. The customs and upbringing in Mormon spaces remains ingrained for many of us, as Matt demonstrated in his post a few weeks ago. And even if I seek spirituality elsewhere or nowhere, this institution exists and continues to halt the progress of the people and causes I care about. And it exists within us: our minds, our families.

It is this variation in experiences of LGBTQ Mormons that needs to be recognized. Whether active or inactive, single or in a relationship, there are many different ways to be simultaneously LGBTQ and Mormon. And in a political movement that aims at representing us, the fluidity of our experiences should be recognized, and none should be prioritized over another, or prescribed to the rest of us as the way to be simultaneously LGBTQ and Mormon.

A few months back, I had the opportunity to attend a workshop at UCSB presented by two of the authors of Original Plumbing (be sure to check out this wonderful blog here). During the workshop, an individual expressed the opportunity he has had to speak and educate about trans issues, despite many people being unaware that he identifies as trans also. He referred to this as a shift of consciousness from a trans-identified voice to a non-trans ally, and how this has allowed him to have a different approach and perspective in his activism.

This resonated deeply with me. In many ways, it’s how I feel currently. I may never return to Church, and I may decide existing in spaces of worship no longer works for me. But no matter what, I will still have my experience, at one point in my life, of being gay and Mormon. And while I’m working to create a space for those still in this or similar parts of their life, I’m also working to create a space for the teenager me that wanted it to be okay to be out, and find a more accurate religion of love and acceptance. And maybe it be a drastic restructuring of a flawed institution or resorting elsewhere to other means of worship. But I’ll never get closer to discovering what this all would look like if I don’t join in making it reality. And in no way does this invalidate my experiences and the identity I hold onto.

Policy of Politics: Being Involved in the LGBT Mormon Movement

Now that I have established where I’ve been in last week’s vlog, I feel more confident in journeying forward. And though I do not know where my journey will take me and where I’ll end up, I do know that I want to do my part in creating safe and accepting spaces for LGBT-identified individuals within the LDS church. And while many may think this an impossible goal, the reality is that there are many activists working toward this common goal.

As I immerse myself in political causes and activism, I find it helpful to set some ground rules initially. Here are a few points I’d like to incorporate into my own politics as I work towards creating acceptable spaces for queer Mormons.

1. It’s about the power, not the identity

            Rather than rally around our identity of sexuality, we need to rally around our position to power, more specifically God. The idea of using relationship to power as the basis for coalitional politics is theorized by Cathy Cohen in “Punks, Bulldaggers, and Welfare Queens: The Radical Potential of Queer Politics.” If we truly apply biblical teachings that we are all his children, equally loved by him, and that our duty is to love one another, then members who don’t identify as straight can be included in the conception of the LDS church. Each of us is here on this Earth to experience life and learn what we need to before returning with our Heavenly Father. And that's something that *everyone* is and should be doing, regardless of sexuality or romantic relationships.

2. There’s strength in interfaith

             In addition to resisting to center politics around sexual identities, it may become useful to resist rallying exclusively around the identity of Mormon as well. I attended the “Circling the Wagons” conference in San Francisco last summer. As part of the conference, an interfaith worship service was held. This was, singlehandedly, one of the most spiritual and neatest experiences of my life. Not only was this personally useful, but helped me to realize that socially, the acceptance of LGBT members in religious spaces isn’t only a problem confined to the Mormon church. The point to include other faiths resists building a community around identity and prioritizing one identity with another, as noted in Miranda Joseph’s “Introduction: Persistent Critique Relentless Return” from her book Against the Romance of Community. And while religions may vary and spaces based on sect are still useful, politically uniting various religions is useful as it focuses on religion’s, as a whole, denial to queer worshipers the same treatment as their straight counterparts. In other words, it reiterates Cohen’s point on rallying around one’s relation to power and not identity (our religious ones, in this case).

3. A shift from politics of shame to politics of humility

            In collectively organizing, it is important to recognize the varying identities and experiences those who I am working with have. People involved in the LGBT Mormon movement are not all just gay, white men: these participants vary in gender, sexual identities, romantic relationships, and – most prominently – activity levels within the Church. While some remain active and attend church services, others choose not to do so. In collectively organizing, it is important to refrain from shaming other people and their experiences. Moreover, there should not be a hierarchy that privileges certain people and experiences over others. Instead, a politics of humility, where each individual is embraced and welcomed, should be stressed. For further reading about the politics of humility, the text “What’s Queer About Queer Studies Now” by David L. Eng with Judith Halberstam and Jose Estaban Munoz does an excellent job of dissecting this.  

A Personal Hell

Hey Guys! Checking in so that I can talk a little about me and religion.

I mean, the doctrine can be silly sometimes. Like the choices they give gay people (4% of men, so not a huge focus of the church I suppose). But also look at the tax exempt statement and the clear political stances of the church. Look at... well, a lot of things.

Also want to say how frustrating this church can be. For me. I lost the one man I have ever really loved (I always claimed that I didn't really know what love is but, looking back, I think the word might be appropriate). And I lost him because of the church. He couldn't choose between me and the church for three damn years. So, I made the decision. Not for him, but for me. Friends tell me I made the choice for us, so we could both live better lives. But, in the end, I'm not that holy of a person. I'm not that nice. I made that decision for me. He is in just as much if not more pain for this, but I know I can (and mostly have) move on better than he can. I caused him pain for me. Unnecessary if the church had not been a factor in life.

So, I lost someone who wants to be Mormon and can sometimes pretends he isn't gay. Not to bad, right? But what if I also said I lost UCLA due to the bullying that I went through to go to BYU. Yes, my mother had the best intentions in mind. But, how does the saying go? "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions." This is suppose to mean that people just never got around to doing the right thing but, in my case, this saying means that, yes, my mother had good intentions but the road she paved lead me to Hell.

However, BYU isn't  Hell for everyone. Some people thrive here.

Similar, Mormonism isn't a Hell for everyone. Even gay people. Some people want to be gay and embrace the church. Just because I can't doesn't mean that other people are wrong to do so. Mormonism has just as many flaws as other religions. And people need spirituality. So let them have what they will. I just don't want old men (notably, not woman) to tell me what to do. But other people do. Other people see their wisdom.

Enjoy your life. Guilt has a point and even if I believe that the church puts a little too much emphasize on this idea doesn't mean anything. Just means other people embrace copious amounts of guilt similar to how a masochist embraces pain.

So, even if you wish to remain Mormon, please, enjoy your life (doesn't mean be morally ambiguous, just means be yourself). That is more important than the Mormon God himself for even he claims that man were made that they might have joy. (See! I can still quote scripture!)

Homosexuality is a Choice and Other Logical Fallacies

It's finals week soon! You know what that means? Doing everything in my power to avoid studying. xD

This includes thinking about some deeply intimate subjects including why Mormons can't come to terms with gay people.

This is a lot larger of a question than you think. So, let me tackle something simpler for the post and something that I feel very strongly about: why do at least two of my siblings tell me that being gay is a choice? One of these siblings will be graduating in psychology with a masters in April. He has been studying it for six years. You would think that someone who has been a field where "gay" is a common topic would have seen the research that states gay is not a choice. And he has. So why does he deny the truth?

So, let me start with some basics. Assuming that being gay is a choice, a gay Mormon has four choices:

1) Leave the church.

2) Live a heterosexual lifestyle.

3) Live a life of celibacy.

4) Live a gay lifestyle while staying in the church.

So, let me look at this from my brother's perspective when trying to decide which is the best option. Obviously, he doesn't think leaving the church is an option. Clearly not in line with church teachings. Similar to option four, living a gay lifestyle while staying in the church. Obviously, that is wrong.  People can't be committing sin all the time, especially serious, sexual sin, and stay in the church. In fact, that lifestyle, if reported to the Mormon church, will result in excommunication, essentially option one. So, from my brother's perspective, one and four are not even real options.

Option two would seem the most appealing at first. Someone lives a heterosexual lifestyle, gets married, makes babies, shows up at family events with a significant other of the opposite gender. But my brother isn't that superficial. He is smart and would see the problems with this. This lifestyle isn't fair to the woman. She would not be getting the love she deserves. Sex is not just a physical thing. It is emotional, spiritual as well as intimate. A gay man simply cannot provide all these to a woman he married to fit into Mormon social norms. Besides, these marriages don't last. There aren't any stats and numbers out there about how many of these result in divorce, but there have been case studies done. And these indicate that the couple can be happy at first. Sometimes as long as two or three years. But things fall apart.

If being gay is a choice, this leaves us with option three; to live a life of celibacy. Which, according to my brother, just isn't fair to ask of someone. Mainly because celibacy just isn't lack of sex, but lack of dating, kissing, holding hands, flirting (something I see couples around BYU do on a daily basis). Asking gay Mormons to live a life without love, to wait until life ends to begin to find love, is just not fair. He knows he can't ask this. So he doesn't.

Instead, he chooses to deny data, deny truth, and say that being gay is a choice. Because, with that decision, it isn't God who is condemning us to this celibate, miserable lifestyle, it is ourselves.

So, this is why Mormons believe that being gay is a choice. Because to believe otherwise is to believe that God doesn't want us to find love until death. According to my brother, it has to be our choice because God only makes perfect beings, not gay people.

And now I'm angry again. I tried to understand my "masters in psychology" brother and it only leads to a spiraling argument that makes no sense; that being gay is a choice simply because is the best way to deal with homosexuality and the church.

I'm a scientist. I believe in truth. And this sort of thinking makes me angry. Take logic. Build on it. Emotions do matter. Don't factor them out. But don't disregard truth so your world, your emotions about the church, make a little more sense.

Anyways, hope I didn't rant too much.

Submission

Before I write anything, I want to say goodbye to MJ. MJ, you have always inspired me. Always. Your family has (almost) disowned you, you've struggled with yourself and who you are. Yet you persevered. MJ, you embody what this blog is about. And I'm sad to see you go.

So, I want to talk about two very important people in my life. The one that is easier to understand and is  the one I knew when I was younger. He is very arrogant. Flat out. His arrogance is coupled with his religious devotion. But underneath this, he tries to be understanding. In fact, he complains about people being racist. Or sexist. Or discriminatory. Yet, his only friends are Mormon. Of course, I'm friends with him. I mean, I can stand arrogance and (more importantly) I'm Mormon. And he thinks (subconsciously at least, though I doubt it) that only Mormons can be right in the spiritual world. He has some anger issues, but he is working VERY hard to get rid of those. Anger is a strong emotion and he was only fourteen/fifteen when I knew him. But the most notable quality was his logical exterior. Almost as if the emotions have been leeched out. I knew him very well so I knew about the anger issues and the other emotions that existed. I'm just not sure how many people did. He was a good person at heart. You just needed to know him to get it.

The second one is someone I met three years ago and I still know him today. He also tries to be understanding, but its easier to see it. Not because he is more understanding, but I think it is because he doesn't come off as detached. He has a tinge of arrogance that he likes to inflate when talking, but even then, he's doing it for fun. He feels confident, however, and he sometimes lets that mistake for arrogance. One ironic thing is people don't like him when they first meet him. But then, something clicks and by the third or fourth visit, people get him! It took me a while to get him, and I still don't understand him fully, but it's always adventurous. He also flaunts his emotions. He acknowledges them.

Now, let me put these two people next to each other. They don't seem the same, but they have a through line about them. They both have the hardest time submitting themselves to anything. I'm talking about submitting to authority, to God, to general religion, to emotions, to financial aid. They both hate it. Other than that, I think these two people, when put side by side, would be almost completely unrecognizable as the same person. I mean, they both can't be me, right?

Wrong. The first is 14/15(ish) the other is a more modern version of me. And I think what drove me to this change is my problem with submission. I'm autonomous (a word used by my bishop to describe a couple years ago). And he didn't mean that as a compliment. He meant I have this inability to accept aid from others. I borderline hate it. When I do accept aid, I feel shame. My half-asian drove me back from salt lake today, and he insisted I didn't give him gas money, but I (with a few choice words) made him accept it.

Anyways, I've redefined in an almost 180 degree fashion. Except this flaw about submission. I don't get along with organized religion, leaving your after life in another's hands. I don't like submitting myself to illogical emotions. Six years ago, I drained my emotions in much the same way emos cut themselves. However, now, when my heart wants one thing, my brain naturally wants to find flaws with the heart's direction. Oh, what a struggle. More on that next week.

Anyways, change is a good thing. I've embraced it. I've redefined myself. And I can't wait to get out of the Mormon world and begin exploring who I will become.

When a Church is More Important than Your Child

Photo by BingBing

I'm writing a book about growing up Mormon and gay.  Some of you may know this, many of you do not.  Below is the first draft of one of the chapters; it charts the first conversation I've had with my mother since coming out to her in a letter two weeks ago.

More than anything, this experience illustrates to me how much the LDS Church (and religion in general) holds families and their relationships hostage.  I cannot understand why so many members of the Church believe they have a monopoly on God's love. Furthermore, if you don't fit the Church's mold, you are unworthy of His affection and grace. I don't understand it and I refuse to believe it.

This post is not a plea for your affection or an attempt to fish for your compassion. It's not an attempt to condemn or vilify my mother, either.  It is simply a recollection of my personal experience and an attempted illustration of the damage that can happen when religious dogma supersedes a faith's foundation of love and charity.

Anyway, thank you for joining me in my journey - it is my goal to help ease others' burdens by sharing some of my pain and experiences.

--

 On Deaf Ears

“Where do you want to sit; we can talk at the table or here in the living room?”

“I don’t care, mom,” I replied. “Wherever you want is fine.”

“Okay,” she said. “Let’s just sit in here on the couches then.”

As we sat down we never broke eye contact.  We looked at each other, carefully sizing the other up, not knowing where to start. 

 

Several moments of the most awkward silence of my life followed.

Over the last two weeks I thought I had prepared myself for whatever argument my mother would throw at me.  In my mind, I had endured my trials with the patience of Job and I felt as though nothing she could say to me, no hurtful insult she could scream at me, would change how I felt or affect me or my resolve moving forward.

I was wrong.

The electric silence came to a halting stop as flood gates opened simultaneously for both of us.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” she demanded through clenched teeth and tear-stained eyes.

“Because nobody in this family is bashful about how much they hate gay people,” I similarly responded.

“Yeah, that’s because I believe in the scriptures, Michael,” she replied. “I know how evil this path is and I know people, firsthand, who have chosen to live the homosexual lifestyle and it has destroyed them. If you choose this path, it will chew you up and spit you out.

“How could you do this to me?” she continued. “The first three days I couldn’t eat.  I couldn’t sleep.  I couldn’t even breathe.  I wake up every hour on the hour panicked that I’m going to lose you to this sinful path.  I’ve started having evil, satanic dreams.  I know the devil has a hold of you.  And in my dreams he is pulling you away from me. But I’ve got you and I am not going to let you do this.  You are a part of this celestial family and I will not let you do this to yourself or this family.”

I wished she had screamed at me.  I wished she’d hurled every British and American insult she could come up with.  I wish she’d said anything but what she did. I couldn’t respond; I didn’t know how to.

My lack of response seemed to fuel her momentum so she continued.

“How long have you been ‘dealing’ with this?”

“I don’t have an exact idea but at least since I was 11 or 12 and started going through puberty,” I meekly replied.

“Did anyone ever touch you?  Were you ever molested or sexually abused by anyone?” she demanded.

“No.”

“Did someone ever expose themselves to you or to anything else?”

“No, mom, not that I can remember,” I responded with an irritated edge to my voice.

“I think this happened when you were a sophomore in high school and saw those naked images of men on the Internet,” she replied.

(I had convinced my parents that an image search of “muscle men” that I neglected to delete off our computer’s Internet history was part of an assignment for my health and team sports class.  For better or worse, I guess, I’m a pretty good liar – especially when it comes to covering my butt and keeping myself out of trouble.)

Actively rolling my eyes and trying to share my dissatisfaction with the direction of the conversation, I said, “Please mom, give me a break.  That wasn’t the first time I’d seen a naked man or woman and it sure wasn’t the last time.  Beyond that, our society and culture is filled with sexuality and sexual imagery. Everywhere! And there’re way more heterosexual messages and images in the world around us than any type of gay propaganda.”

“Why didn’t you come to us sooner, so we could help you overcome this; get you the help you need” she pushed forward, undeterred.

“Mom, did you read my letter?” I shot back. “I have spent thousands on counseling and prescription medications to try and 'get help.'  I am who I am and I can’t be fixed or changed.  I’ve tried.”

“Well, was this at BYU?” she countered. “I read an article just last week in the Deseret News that those methods don’t work.  You said you were suicidal? That was why, I’m sure!”

“I was suicidal in high school.  I told you, I’ve been dealing with this since I was in seventh grade! Counseling at BYU was my final effort because nothing else worked up to that point.  I have done everything to try and change, mom.  Everything.”

“Well, we need to get you better help.  Someone who knows how to deal with this; we need to get you over to LDS Family Services.  I'll help pay for it,” she announced.  “Are you on antidepressants right now?  You need to be.  They will help you beat this.”

“No, they make things worse,” was all I could muster.

And then she went in for the kill.

“If I could take this from you, I would,” she said through choked sobs. “I would take away all of your pain, and sorrow, and temptation.  I would take whatever lies you’ve been told and I would take every unrighteous desire you had away, too.  I have prayed to Heavenly Father and asked Him for this.  When I go in for my operation next month, I begged Him to let me die on the operating table if it meant you could be whole and our eternal family could be kept together forever and you could keep your covenants.”

I was dumbstruck.  My mother had just told me she had prayed to die on my behalf; to literally become my own personal savior. I just stared into her tear-streaked face as my own 15 years of raw, religious emotion came boiling to the brim.  I couldn’t respond, I told myself I needed to calm down before moving forward because I didn't know what would come out.

So, without my response, she continued.

“I didn’t get married until I was 27 but I can promise you that there were times I wondered if I was ever going to get married,” she said, believing she was making headroom with me. “If I hadn’t gotten married, I would NEVER have gone out and done ‘anything’ just because I was lonely.  The gospel is that important to me.”

Finally she said something that sparked me out of my silent stupor.

“That’s completely different, you can’t compare the two, mom,” I countered. “You would go through this life with the hope that maybe, someday, you would get married. You could hold onto the hope that you COULD get married.  You aren’t told by the church to live alone, single, and celibate for the rest of your life with no hope of companionship and love.”

“It is too the same thing, covenants are covenants,” she countered. “I have a friend who I’ve known for 30 years who deals with this issue. You don’t need to know who it is (I wonder who the hell that is, you only have one single, male, gay friend and he ran away to New York in the ‘90s and then a few years later to San Francisco to get away from his family and the church.  If he’s active in the church now, you can be sure as shit he sowed his ‘wild oats’ before settling back down in to his churchly routine [no, his name isn’t Mitch Mayne] I thought to myself.) but he’s found meaningful service in the church by doing genealogy and serving in the temple.  He’s accepted his cross and lives within the bounds of his covenants.

“If you never marry and just become the favorite uncle to your sisters’ kids, so be it.  At least I would know that you have stayed true to the gospel and the promises you have made in the House of the Lord. Now, I know you think members of the church can be mean…”

“No, mom, stop,” I demanded! “The members of the church are bad enough but you don’t understand the hell I’ve been through. I did everything the church demanded.  Every prayer I’ve uttered over the last 15 years was a desperate plea with God to fix me and take away this burden.  Every time I fasted, I held true to the hope that I would be cured of my unrighteous desires. Growing up, when these feelings didn’t go away but only got stronger, I researched everything and received promises from church leaders that if I only gave more of myself I would be strengthened and that this curse would be broken."

Tears freely flowing down my face; great, heaving sobs rocking my entire body I continued.

“I was president of every quorum.  I did sports and joined nearly every club and group in high school to prove I was worth something. I graduated at the top of my seminary class with a 4.0 and spoke at seminary graduation. I went on a mission and served faithfully.  I graduated from BYU and dated girls and even got engaged.  But for what? I would wake up in cold sweats, terrified that I was going to ruin everyone’s lives.  That if I did get married, I would destroy her hopes and dreams for happiness because I wasn’t worthy; it wouldn’t be fair to her.  I have lived my life terrified that I was going to destroy our family and disappoint you; that I would never be good enough for anyone.

“And then you add apostles who say horrid, hateful things.  Do you know what it’s like being told you are unnatural, that you should be cast out, that you are an ‘enemy to the family’ and that a loving heavenly father would never make one of his children, in his image, with these feelings.  No, you don’t, you don’t know what it’s like to give your life to a church and have it spit in your face and cast you out. To hear that they prefer child rapists and sex offenders in their fold over you, that somehow these monsters are better than you – more worthy. You don’t, you don’t know what it’s like to feel so abandoned.”

And that was it.  Every particle of strength and resolve I had was expended. I sat, hunched over, silent tears streaming down my face, literally bathing my hands in their warmth.

My mother finally came over to my couch and sat down next to me, placing her arm around me and continued her crusade for my soul.

“Oh baby, my sweet baby boy,” she cooed. “It’s okay, together we’ll beat this. We all have our trials in this life.  I don’t know what the rest of my life holds but I can promise you that we all have things we struggle with; we all have burdens to bear.  I have things, your dad has things he struggles with, which is why we’re not going to tell him.  It’s just how he was raised.  He couldn’t handle it.”

I sat silently staring at my hands unable to respond.  Everything I had said in my letter, everything I had said in this wretched conversation had fallen on deaf ears. Every word.

Perceiving my silence as a form of agreement, she continued with a hint of a smile in her voice.

“Everything makes sense, now, at least.  Your anger and frustration over the years, the acne and bad skin; and if that wasn’t bad enough, all the many other trials you’ve been given.  Of all my kids, you had to have the worst teeth, the bad eyesight, the blemishes and be the worst l… well, I mean, you’ve always had a hard time losing weight.  All these things add up, you know? They really drag down on your soul.”

Really, mom, on top of being the gay child, I was apparently the ugly one, too.  If the conversation wasn’t enough of an open wound, hearing your mother call you the “worst looking” of her kids while pointing out your many physical faults definitely was the proverbial “salt.”

Her final sting was the necessary nudge I needed to jump ship and abandon the situation.

I stood up to break my mother’s partial embrace as the doorbell rang.  Fortunately, for my sake, this was the interruption I needed to leave. I gathered my wits, straightened the pillows, and cordially acknowledged our visitor before taking my leave as graciously as possible.

Empty, broken, and lost, I got in my car and drove away.

--

In light of this week's events, I think it’s time to leave.  Maybe I'm running away.  Maybe it’s just a new adventure. Either way, if I am going to live my life authentically and for myself, I need to leave. At least for now, I  cannot do that in Utah.  It’s time to move on – hopefully this time next week I’ll have a definitive answer to where that will be - here's hoping, anyway. Wish me luck!



PS - If you haven't read enough, I have another post today at http://mcwilleyfactor.com that further illustrates my two worlds colliding and slowly merging into one.  It's all about one tiny step out of the closet at a time, right?

Dear Mom and Dad -

My parents are celebrating their wedding anniversary this weekend and I decided it might be in poor taste telling them I'm gay during their celebration. So I am giving it a few days and then I'm going to tell them later this week.  However it plays out, I am planning on giving them this letter.  If you can, please consider sending me some mental warm fuzzies and other loving thoughts.  Thanks.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I love you.  Thank you for being the best parents you could be and for loving me.  Thank you for supporting me during some very tough and difficult times during my life. My mission and my time at BYU were both incredibly challenging at times and I appreciate your love and compassion.  Honestly, there were seemingly countless times I wanted to leave BYU or come home from my mission but your love and support were often all that kept me out.  Thank you for that.

Moving forward, I hope as you read this letter and as we work through the next stage of my life, I hope you will continue to know how much I love you. None of us are perfect and there have been times throughout my life that have been challenging for all of us.  I’m sure in the future we will face additional challenges, too, but I hope and pray that we will be able to work through them and only grow in our love and support for each other.

It has always been my intention and desire to have this conversation, in its entirety, in person but I don’t trust myself to effectively share all that I have in my heart and in my mind.  I hope that this letter answers many of your questions and responds to some of your concerns.

I have prayerfully considered my future over the last several years and, as I have become more honest with myself and with God, I believe it’s now time to be more honest with you, too. Mom and Dad, I am gay. Both of you have made what you think about homosexuals abundantly clear.  I know you believe it’s a choice and a fad but I promise you that it is not. Why would I, or anyone else for that matter, choose to jeopardize relationships with family and friends, risk being cut off and ostracized by their church and congregation, or settle for living and being treated as a second-class citizen?  If I could have chosen to change, I would have more than a decade ago.

In fact, I have tried for the last 15 years to change who I am and who I’m attracted to but I can’t.  I have spent a small fortune on counseling and medication to try and “fix” myself.  I dated women religiously and spoke with church leaders and studied everything the church had on the subject and the answers were always the same: read my scriptures more, go to the temple more, go to seminary, go to BYU, go on a mission, date lots of nice, Mormon girls, and everything will work out. I was told that this was just like any other trial and that by my faith I could be healed.

Well, I did all of these things and, as nothing changed, I began to believe that it would be better for me to kill myself rather than subject you, my parents, to the pain and shame of having a gay son. I have tried to commit suicide twice (nearly succeeding the first time) and I still consider death as an option on an almost daily basis. It is no way to live and I can’t do it any longer.

But, like I said, I have been doing a lot of praying and fasting and I have come to the conclusion that I am who I am and that God is okay with that.  I am tired of beating myself up for something I didn’t choose.  I’m tired of feeling like a failure because I cannot change who I am. And finally, I’m tired of hiding who I am from you and from everyone else.

I’m sure one of the biggest questions you have right now is how this is affecting my relationship with the church.  Truthfully, most of the pain and suffering I have felt and dealt with over the last decade has been a direct result of ignorant members and leaders in the church saying painful, ignorant things.  I can only be called psychologically handicapped, broken, unworthy, and an “enemy to the family” so many times before I start to feel angry, bitter, and abandoned – and that is where I’m at right now.

As I have worried about telling you this part of my life, I have wondered how you would react and what you would think.  I’ll be honest, none of the scenarios seem to end very well in my head.  Regardless of how things play out from this point forward, though, I want you to know that I am still me.  You raised me with a strict moral compass and I have done my best to live by it my entire life.  I have a firm understanding of what is right and what is wrong and I strive every day to treat others with respect and compassion. I am not a lascivious person and I am committed to being a positive influence in others’ lives. I just hope you remember that I am still the little boy and man you have loved for the last 27 years.  I am still all of the good things you have always known, I am just letting you into my life and being more honest with you – something I wish I had done years ago.

Part of me hopes this is something you’ve been guessing at or suspecting for awhile. Then again, maybe I’m a better actor than I thought and this has all come as a blind shock, I don’t know.  All I do know is that I have become a much happier person over the last few months as I have begun to accept who I am.

I want to be authentic and the only way for me to do that is by sharing all of myself with you. I know this is going to be difficult for you.  I know you, like all parents, have hopes and dreams for me and that many of those dreams may now be shattered. I’m sorry for challenging your expectations and dreams for me but I can’t apologize for who I am anymore.  I have given everything I have to change and invested everything I could into the church and its promise for change and yet here I am, still me, still unchanged.  I have given so much that my ‘well’ is now empty; I have no more to give. 

 

I am rebuilding myself from the ground up and I want you (all of the family) in my life. I hope that can happen.  Let me know when you want to and are ready to talk about this.  I know it is going to be difficult for all of us.

I love you,

Michael

Ten Things Tuesday: To All Our Readers

Hi everyone!

This is Tif just popping in to say

1. We've got a vacancy on the blog (for Tuesday).

2. I'm looking for someone with the transgender perspective if possible.

3. If you'd like to write for the blog (as our Tuesday regular OR as a Saturday guest) then send me an email at tiffanydemings@gmail.com showing your interest, a short bio (and if you're really ambitious, a blog post written just for LGBT Voices Breaking the Silence)

4. We're trying to exand our audience as well as our voices to touch a wide variety of perspectives (including reaching outside of the Mormon views, which we've had a lot of on this blog). If you have any suggestions for the blog, then feel free to send me an email (tiffanydemings@gmail.com) or, even better--leave a comment!

5. To those of you who comment, please KEEP COMMENTING!

6. Every one of our bloggers here LOVES to have comments on their post

7. Don't worry if you're long-winded (some of us are, too)--give us feedback. Positive or negative--we'll take whatever we can get (although we really LOVE the positive :)

8. To those of you who read, but don't comment I'd like to encourage you to comment. Even if you feel like you have nothing to say just drop the bloggers a one liner telling them you're here and you're reading--because you make all the difference here.

9. Thank you all for reading, and for showing your support. If you have any stories you'd like to share, then please do so :)

10. Love to you all!

Guest Post: All That I Want

I am a Mormon, and I support gay marriage.

Whew! There, I said it. The best part is that I am far from alone. Every day, those who have opposed the union of same-sex couples are being shown that gay love is in fact a manifestation of genuine love, and that gay marriage is not the kryptonite of the “traditional” family. Marriage equality is gaining support among the religious and the conservative, slowly but surely. Perhaps it's just a point of concession, and yes, there will always be those who will never support gay marriage. But they really can't rain on my pride parade; the American LGBT community is itching to prove the naysayers wrong, and I, for one, am willing to take the shift in the wind full sail. It's an exciting time.

One fallacy that keeps rearing its ugly head among the particularly embittered who are against marriage equality is the idea that legalizing gay marriage is the first step in some “master plan” of the left. I kid you not. There are those who believe that once the “legalizing gay marriage” box is checked off on the liberal conspiracy bucket list, the homosexual's thirst for power will not be quenched until it has desecrated America with feather boas and glitter. Not to mention all will have to hand over their firstborn child to the homosexual regime.

Meh, so I got a little carried away with the hyperbolizing. Unless your firstborn child is David Archuleta, I am not interested. Feather boas make me sneeze, and glitter is the herpes of the craft store, so no thanks.

I feel quite confident in saying that any gay person I know is just looking for equal rights. They want to have the option of marrying the person the truly love. They want the right to be truthful about their identity if they serve in the military. They want to be respected as a minority. To anyone who believes that gays are looking for more than their fair share, and that this push to legalize gay marriage across the states is the first step in a campaign to undermine the American legal system: Is respect and human decency too much to ask for?

To put things into perspective, let me outline what exactly it is that I want out of my little gay life:

Right now, I go to Brigham Young University. I'm studying film. In about six months or so, I plan on serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I confess that I'm not as literal of a believer as I used to be, but I still hold firm to the Mormon idea that personal spiritual revelation is a valid line of communication with the divine. I want to teach that, and I want to provide for other's spiritual and physical needs. I have my reservations about my future missionary service, but I plan on seeing it through because I also have high hopes that I can change someone's life for the better. That's as simple as I can put it. All I want is to give back.

After my mission, I want to enlist in the Navy. Anyone who knows me may be surprised at my choice, as I've never admitted the fact that I'm drawn to military service. The truth is that I see the protection of the country I live in as a cause that I cannot watch from the sidelines. I am particularly interested in the humanitarian efforts of our military. Jokes about gays and the Navy aside, there is much good our brave servicemen and women do, a lot more than the media gives them credit for methinks. Specifically, I want to be a religious programs specialist. That means that I would assist Navy and Marine chaplains in their duties as well as provide them security. I want to help the men and women of the military be ready for the unknown. No matter what they believe, I want be there to provide our soldiers with inner peace amidst external chaos.

My game plan after the Navy becomes rather vague. It is life, after all; who knows what will happen. I do know I'd like to finish a college degree. I do know that I have a passion for theatre and the arts, so that will always be there to enrich my life. I do know that I want to marry the man of my dreams, and I know that I want to be a father. Blame it on my Mormon roots, but it's kind of my ultimate goal, to be husband and father.

(Personal anecdote alert. I promise I go back to my original topic.) I was joking with a friend of mine the other day about the fact that I've kind of assumed the role of housewife while I've been home for the summer. I've been cooking, cleaning, going to the gym, picking up my brother from places. Essentially, I've been channeling my inner suburban mother. But here's my little secret: I like it.

Stay-at-home Dad, househusband... Whatever your name you have for the calling, that's really what I want to be when I grow up. I want to be a homemaker; it's a dream of mine really. I don't think I ever had a parent who stayed home full-time when I was in school, and I kind of wish I did. I want my kids to grow up knowing I'm there for them and I love them. Not that my parents were bad or insensitive or anything, the sentiments in the previous sentence have just always been implied in our relationship, never explicitly stated. Often times I've been left wondering where the love is in our home, and I don't want my kids to ever have any doubt in their minds that I am there for them. Children are the leaders of the future, and they deserve the very best we can give them. I want to do my small part in making that happen. Plus, I love kids; family can be so rewarding.

And there it is! My outline for the future. Check in next week, and it will probably be completely different, but that's beside the point. The point is, does this sound like anyone who wants more than his fair share? I submit, that I, in fact, want nothing more than “the pursuit of happiness.” That's all that anyone, gay or straight, can ask for.

I aspire to be a son, a lifelong student, a saint, a sailor, an artist, an actor, a father, a husband and a homemaker.

It's a mouthful, so I say I just aspire to be human.

Truly Yours,

Elliot

P.S. Follow my blog! apronkid.blogspot.com

For the Strength of Gay Youth

Bradley here,

In my online self-search for answers, there was one piece that really helped me reconcile my spirituality and my sexuality. It's a piece I found on Afirmation.org (which in and of itself is a wonderful website) called "For the Strength of Gay Youth". It was written in an attempt to patch holes and gaps in the pamphlet put out by the Mormon church entitled "For the Strength of Youth" in order to provide correct information about LGBT issues as it relates to the Mormon church. It also gives realistic advice and comfort for struggling LGBT members of the church without pushing any sort of anti-church agenda:

While the intentions and motivations behind the pamphlet [For the Strength of Youth] may have been positive, it has often been a source of great frustration for many youth and young adults. Unfortunately, this booklet from the First Presidency has caused many youth to experience feelings of self-loathing, self-hatred and confusion. This is especially true for youth in the Church who experience attractions to the same gender.

It is my intention to provide a guide similar to the pamphlet "For the Strength of Youth", but modified so that it is especially designed to address the unique concerns of gay and lesbian youth of the Church.

Basically, the Afirmation.org version was a life-changer for me and you really should go read it.

In the original version of the "For the Strength of Youth" pamphlet, the LGBT youth get two sentences of guidance listed in the Sexual Purity section, and not very helpful sentences at that:

"Homosexual activity is a serious sin. If you find yourself struggling with same-gender attraction, seek counsel from your parents and bishop; they will help you" (Sexual Purity).

I'm sorry, but the bulldozer approach taken here simply doesn't cut it. No wonder so many LGBT members of the church have taken their lives because they felt unloved and unwelcome. For me though, one section of the "For the Strength of Gay Youth" piece that really hit home for me was the section titled "Entertainment and the Media" which reads thus:

The media is constantly sending us messages about who we should be, what we should look like, and how we should act. Most recently, the entertainment and media industry has found that targeting a gay and lesbian audience can bring them lots of money.13 Be aware that the people who run the media and entertainment industry are not interested in you as a person, or your self-esteem. Their only motivation is to make money. This is especially true with media that tries to send messages about what they think "looks good".

We all know that what we see on TV and magazines is not usually reality. However sometimes we get so absorbed in what the media presents, that it's very easy to forget this fact. It's so easy to fall into the temptation of comparing ourselves to an image or person that simply isn't real. We all know that photos are often airbrushed and movies are very often digitally enhanced or changed, yet we still find ourselves feeling inadequate because we might not match up to what the media tells us we should be. We are all different and beautiful in our own individual ways. Don't let the media hypnotize you into thinking that you need to dress or look a certain way in order to be accepted by others. Don't let those who have already been "hypnotized" by the media drag you down either. Establish your own identity and be yourself.

The media can also be very effective at telling us how we should act, react and feel about certain things. The media has been notorious for portraying certain groups of people in a very stereotypical way. This is especially true about gay and lesbian people and other minorities. This is unfortunate because not only does it misrepresent to the general public who gay and lesbian people really are, but it also makes it confusing for those who are just coming to terms with their own sexual identity. It's quite easy to feel confused when you can't identify with the gay and lesbian characters you see portrayed in movies and TV. Again, it may be obvious, but we need to be reminded that not all gay and lesbian people are like the characters on programs such as Will & Grace or Queer As Folk. If you don't feel you "fit in" with the characters on these and other programs, don't worry! It's most likely a good thing that you aren't like a character on TV!

Since I don't adhere to many gay stereotypes, this section was really comforting to me. Said explicitly, "You can't be gay because you don't act gay" seems absurd, but its surprising how much I bought into that mindset. Being bisexual, I already didn't fit comfortably into either the straight or gay worlds, I really needed this gentle reminder that I don't necessarily have to fit the stereotypes. "For the Strength of Gay Youth" concludes, beautifully:

Finally accepting the fact that you are gay or lesbian can be one of the most stress-relieving and freeing experiences that you will ever have. No longer do you have to wonder why you feel a certain way toward the same sex. No longer do you need to fight the war of feelings every day. You finally know who you are and why you feel the way you do. The next task is deciding what you will do with this "new" you [...] Above all, remember that you are in control. This is your life. You have the freedom to make it the life you want it to be.

Jeremy, I like the notion of concluding with a song, so I think I will. This is by Jónsi, the guitarist and vocalist for Sigur Rós. Jónsi is gay and performs together with his boyfriend as Jónsi and Alex. I love Jónsi because (although I have nothing against popular LGBT icons like Lady Gaga) it's nice to know that there are other great gay artists in the indie music world. Enjoy!

(No copyright infringement intended. I encourage you to buy the song legally from Amazon, iTunes, or the like)