Acceptance of Oneself

I relate to three very distinct identities, and I’ll go over each one-at-a-time. The first one, being LDS/Mormon, has been deeply engrained in me as a kid and stuck with me, even during a period of time where I didn’t consider myself one. The values and morals I learned came strongly from my family and extended family, most all of them being LDS in some degree. So I guess you could say that particular others played a strong role in how I viewed myself that way.

It wasn’t always this way, however. Because I also am a member of the GLBT community, I viewed myself when I first came out to my family and friends as not involved in any way with the LDS religion. But as time progressed, I realized that I wasn’t happy with not having religion in my life, and it was my constant feeling as time progressed. Religion was what I based my life on, gay or not, and it gave me happiness in a way that couldn’t be found in any other way.  Secondly, I consider myself musically gifted, as I mentioned.

I’ve taken piano for 9 years and played for about 15 years now, and enjoy expressing myself through this medium. This is important to me because of both the particular other (my family and friends) and the generalized other in mix. The first one is obvious: I enjoy being able to touch my close friends’ lives through music, a medium that I understand and can use. However, I also want to influence society at large, and society can be taught so many great norms that I can do through music. Some of these include temperance, love, devotion, happiness, and so forth. It isn’t about attention for me but rather what I can communicate through music that I cannot otherwise.

Finally, I consider myself somewhat of a geek. This was engrained on me since childhood, as I was considered very smart and into new things. I constantly wanted to be challenged, and even some of my old teachers mentioned that I would get bored easily because I felt like I wasn’t being challenged enough. Plus, I found I love using technology, namely computers and so forth. I’ve worked in technical support for a major wireless company, which I loved doing and could fix virtually any problem that was presented to me. At first, I considered it a negative label because I didn’t have many friends and was constantly teased as a kid. But as time went on, I accepted this as part of who I am, and quite frankly, I love knowing that much more than some of my peers. It’s an identity which I love to show out there.  Moving on, there were many identities that I have that have changed over time, such as being a Democrat/Liberal, open-minded, humorous, and pro-gay.

I will elaborate on being open-minded, for I wasn’t there for a time. It was a difficult change for me because in the LDS religion, you’re taught to view things of a negative nature as bad and to not explore them for fear of temptation to do evil or sin. I’m sure this is how it is with many religions, but it is strongly expressed in this religion.  Well, I did because I knew I was gay, something that completely contradicted the church, and so I ventured out into that aspect of myself. These experiences made me realize that I need to accept things objectively. Great and awesome ideas come from those outside of the church while at the same time hurtful and detrimental ideas also come, which made me inquisitive into how everyone works out to be. It’s simple really: I can be exposed to anything I would like but don’t have to take it at face-value. I can, for myself, decide whether something is of worth to involve myself with or to shun out based on my personality and beliefs.

Being involved with the LGBT community has taught me that. Now I’m happy to be open-minded to anything and everything and not take a side until I understand both sides.  Finally, on the activity of those who gave me traits, I was pretty surprised at what people view me to be. I consider myself very shy just because I don’t have many friends and don’t like talking one-on-one with people. I get intimidated and scrambling for things to say because I don’t usually stand out in a crowd. Why I mention this is because I had nearly half the class say I have an outspoken or outgoing personality. I do definitely in class because I’m passionate about learning (always have been), so in that respect, I can see why people would see this in me.  I will admit, however: I would love to be known as outspoken in real life. I guess it’s my past that changed how I viewed myself. I was always shy as a small kid, and I guess it carried over into the person I am today. Maybe I should get out more and enjoy life and talk to people. I’m sure they can’t hurt me, right?

(Excerpt from my Thinkpiece III assignment- COMM 1010)

It's closing time.

Matt here.

Writing this feels like sitting behind the bar and serving the last few drinks of the night. Most of the guests have left, the streamers are falling down. Balloons are all across the floor. Half eaten cake.

The past few days have been challenging. I was at my parents house, eating breakfast, when Oaks came on. I ate my waffles with my eyes wide open and my nostrils flared and when he talked about recent immoral changes in the law of the land I just barely kept myself from shouting "Thank god for that!"

At the last second, I decided just to cheer. "Wooo!"

The rest of the day was strained, and I'm not interested in elaborating on that.

***

Last week, one of my old roommates from BYU came to visit.for a few days. We went to San Francisco and did touristy things and I luxuriated in comparing me now to me then. I was so uncomfortable with myself then. I was frightened and alone and so very, thoroughly unhappy. This roommate once asked me what my worst fear was, and I said my worst fear was that nothing would change.

I felt triumphant and elated when he asked me if I was happy and I said "Yes!"

That "Yes!" held my memory of choking myself with a belt and also the first time I kissed a man and also the best time I kissed a man. It held the glorious light of streetlamps on a blizzard out the window of my Wyview apartment, and also the panic attack that started in priesthood meeting and wouldn't let me go for half an hour and also the (other) roommate who found me a private room and sat with me until I could stop crying and breathe normally. That "Yes!" held "Yes on 8" booths in the Wilkinson Center and my counselling sessions in the basement. It held . . . so . . . much.

The sun went down and we watched San Francisco light up. I graduated from BYU in April 2009. So much has changed!

***

This evening, an older, gay, never-Mormon friend advised me to get properly laid, smoke a joint, write, meet the love of my life, and make mistakes while it's still okay, among other things. I will take this advice into consideration.

***

Next week, as part of my last post, I want to revisit a few of my favorite posts from my time here at BtS. I would love it if you would look through my archives (which I generally tagged with my name) and let me know if you had a favorite or two. If you don't comment/email/facebook them to me, I'll assume you loved them all equally and a lot.

This Utter Rightness Burning Up In Me

Matt here.

Some of you are friends with me on Facebook, and you know that I've been extremely happy this past while. Every day—not right away because I'm bad at waking up, but within a few hours—I get this joyful bubbling in my chest and I can't help but smile. I'm not in love. I'm not rolling in dough. I'm just . . . happy.

My Facebookies also know that I recently finished reading Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged; I don't know if anyone has made the connection between these things.

The book wasn't easy, and it wasn't pretty, and it wasn't soothing. It took me two months to finish, and let me tell you, I am a talented reader. War and Peace took less time and was significantly more pleasurable. Nevertheless, I found Atlas Shrugged to be challenging and insightful, and I appreciate those qualities at least as much as gorgeous prose and engaging story. I'm still mulling over bits of philosophy and chunks of words, and I keep finding things that are true. I've been applying them to my life, and I think that that has a lot to do with my gradually rising and now stable-ish high spirits.

If your sum knowledge of Ayn Rand has come from Republican quotes or Comedy Central, you might think I'm being silly. I don't think I am, though. Huge swaths of the things she articulates (if not the accompanying story) seem like things people already get behind, and others are things that maybe they would get behind, if they ever spent any time thinking about it. The big thrusts of the novel were, briefly, that actions and results are irrevocably linked; that you are the only one responsible for yourself; and that another way of saying "good versus evil" is "thinking versus not thinking."

Before reading the novel, I had a certain sense of all these things, as I think most people do, but it was rather weak. Her arguments and declarations challenged me to really engage with the concepts and apply them in my life, and the results are already showing. For example, earlier today I played a piano piece I've been working on for some time better than I've ever played it before—nearly perfect. This is because (since reading Rand) I've sat down most every day to practice my way through a book of exercises for the first time since I was nine. Actions and results are linked.

For example, I began logging my overtime. I do quite a few things for my employer outside of work hours because they're very small and on a restricted budget and because I want them to succeed. At the end of the year I plan to argue for a raise and a promotion, and I want to be able to give an account of my own worth and what I've done to help us thrive. I'm the only one responsible for myself.

For example, I turned down a drag show outing with my roommates. Once upon a time I would go with anyone's plans, no matter what else I was doing. But this time, I thought about it: I hate being out late, I don't like bars, and I wasn't in the mood for a drag show; I wanted to keep practicing the piano, and then I wanted to go to bed. They went, and I stayed home and was happy. Thought is good; unthinking isn't.

These are true principles. These are having the sort of "by their fruits ye shall know them" effect that I always expected of living by the church's standards. I'm not discounting a possible divine calculus that I don't understand, but I can tell you this: I have kept neither the Word of Wisdom nor the Law of Chastity; I don't recognize the church as an authority in my life; and I am happier than I've ever been.

Not perpetually. Today, for example, I have been achy and cranky because it's been a busy week and the landlord woke me up with construction noise and Spanish radio and the movies I rented were nearly late and the houseguests who were here used all my shampoo and toilet paper and I haven't exercised since Tuesday. There are down days, because life is still life and while we're the only ones responsible for ourselves, we still often have to deal with the consequences of others' actions in addition to our own. (While reading Atlas Shrugged I was reminded of Ana Karenina, of Cosette, of the Joad family, of the women from Paradise, of everything Tillie Olsen ever wrote.) Yet, I believe that on the whole reality is as just as E=mc²; 2+2=4; A is A.

If you aren't happy, look at your actions; look at your attitude; look at your thought. It appears that for myself, at least, there were answers there. (Though whether they'll be lasting answers, I can't say. Check with me tomorrow. And tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow . . . ) Perhaps for you as well.

***

This feels like an appropriate place to tell you that I'll be finished writing for BtS in two weeks. It will have been one year.

If you have anything you would like me to write about over those two weeks, I would appreciate suggestions. If you have any burning questions, feel free to ask them in a comment or email or what have you.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date.

The Brightness of Today

Matt here.

My friends! My dear friends. Most of us have never met, but I’ve been writing to you for years from various places. Those of you who’ve been around the ‘sphere long enough have seen me grow from a dark, sad sixteen year old to a bright, happy twenty-four year old. And today, I’m so very thankful.

I’m thankful for your comments and emails, your Facebook friendships and Skype sessions, our meetups and adventures. I’m thankful that I didn’t have to go through the past eight years surrounded exclusively by straight people, who, while often wonderful, can’t connect with me in the same ways you can.

I’m thankful for my parents, who were devastated when I came out but who pulled themselves together, like me, a bit at a time. I’m thankful that this weekend my dad is flying out to Japan so that we can have a three-week foreign adventure together. I’m thankful that my mom Skypes with me most weeks and my sister, who is an EFY session director, asks about my love life.

My life is filled with cherry blossoms and sunshine, and even my impending unemployment (two weeks!) can’t get me down today.

Without the darker years it would still be bright now, but my joy, my understanding and experience and savor of today’s brightness, would be blander. If your bright time hasn’t come yet, I hope it comes soon. I hope you can make yourself strong, and when you can’t make yourself strong, I hope you can find people who’ll lend you strength. If your bright time hasn’t come, know that someday this pain will be useful to you.

---

Nature.

Someday This Pain Will Be Useful to You.

The Act of Fantasy

Matt here. Still not ready to finish that series I started, but getting closer.

For the last several days I’ve been full of fantasy. In the morning before work, still damp from the shower and half dressed, I’d lay on my bed and think about how life might be in two months, when I’ll be back in the US. In the breaks between classes I swept my fantasy across the backs of worksheets with a particular pen whose weight is perfect. Pages and pages of hopes and dreams looped out and hanging there, dependent on other people’s reactions to my several stateside applications.

Back in my dark days at BYU I tried to imagine a life in which I was straight/married/happy/unconflicted, and I couldn’t do it, couldn’t get my brain to make those leaps from where I was. Too far. Too bogged down. Too dark out there, too unknown.

When did the future stop being something to dread and tremble at?

Answer: January 2009. That month, with the help of my counselor, I got up the courage to take responsibility for my life and trust myself. That was the first step.

That month, I stopped going to church. I rejected the church’s claims to my body and my life. That was the second step.

Sometimes I wonder if it could have gone another way, if I could have taken a different second step. Several friends have. I wonder if I could have trusted the feeling I once confided to a friend that “everything just seems to go better when I’m reading the scriptures every day,” or the heady, burning feeling all through me when I performed my first and only live baptism. Sometimes I wonder if I would be happier in the church.

I think, though, the answer is no: I couldn’t have taken a different second step. It was distance from the church or standing still for me, because the church offered nothing for the pain. There was a lot of pain, then. Most BYU days I don’t remember individually, just as a feverish black cloud like last February when I had the flu. Stepping away from the church was my antibiotic. Stepping away from the church, I could slowly stop hurting and imagine turning twenty-one.

Now the pain is mostly gone. (Oh-my-god-the-pain-is-mostly-gone!) I can imagine turning twenty-five.

I’ll live on the west coast, said the loops on worksheets between classes. I’ll have a small, vibrant houseplant and a job I don’t hate. I’ll have my people, and more people. Books. I’ll keep learning stuff, whether languages or how to build stuff or how to make a relationship work for more than a few months.

It may not turn out anything like I imagine (the last four years sure haven’t), but because I was gay and Mormon and in a very dark place, I don’t take the act of fantasy for granted.

---

If you haven't read this essay by Adrienne Rich, you might want to do that.
If you have been or still are at BYU, you might want to look here.
If you haven't realized Eminem's just stopped trying, you might want to listen to "Lighters."

How To Be Happy, Dammit!

My favorite lessons and quotes from a cynic’s guide to spiritual happiness.

# 1          Pain exists. Life can hurt. Like a lot.

# 4          You always have a choice of emotional responses to life.

#6          Never go shopping for Kiwis in a shoe store. Some people just don’t have what you need. So why waste time, banging on their doors, ringing their bells, demanding service?

#7          You — and those you’ve befriended/worked with/slept with – each of you – just like plants – comes with your own unique feeding manual.  You each have your own needs and speeds for growth. You must read each person’s instruction manual carefully – then proceed with caution!

“All too often you have to be at the end of your rope to be tempted to move through your fear… And go for the unfamiliar, the unknown, to change.”

# 11        If you keep doing what you’ve always been doing, then you’ll keep getting what you’ve always been getting.

#12        In order to see the path to what you want, you must first see clearly what is holding you back.

#17        You must celebrate Non-Judgment Day, then Non-Judgment Year, then Non-Judgment Life.

#18        You must relax and enjoy the ride.

#21        You must remember: You are here now… No, no, NOW… No, now! You are a human being and not a human was or a human will be.

#22        It doesn’t matter how fast you get there, if you’re heading in the wrong direction.

#24        When you become calm and serene on the inside, the world becomes more calm and serene on the outside.

#27        Worries and doubts can actually be prayers and visualizations – and self-fulfilling programming – for things you do not want.

#29        There’s great power in: I Think Therefore I Have.

#31        Your faith determines your destiny. So you must make sure your faith remains stronger than your mood.

#32        “Never compromise your dreams” Bazooka Joe has said.

#41        Prozak Schmozak. Love is the drug. Love is what you’re always looking for in all the things you’re looking for. Even your yearning for sex is really a dyslexic search for love.

#42        Just like there is sexual attraction, there’s love attraction. When you feel the love energy inside you, other people feel it coming off you – and find themselves wildly – and oddly – attracted to you.

Sleeping, Graham Canyon, and Glee to Name a Few

So Wednesday I got pissed. Some stupid teacher with some 1/2 a point question who thought they were so clever decided to trick the class. Go you. You're a freaking genius with a PhD, and I bet you are very proud of that, but instead of showing off to freshmen (cuz it is a freshmen class) why don't you go impress your peers (if you can). Anyway pissy rant over. My point was after that I got up and left the class and went to the library to watch the episode of Glee from the night before. And while it was loading I read the most recent blog post. And what do I find? Nathan and his awesomeness. I read and became happy, and it made me wonder what else made me happy. So I decided to put together a list (in no particular order) of things that make me happy:

Glee and Vampire Diaries and Gossip Girl

Posts on Breaking the Silence

Reading: Unwritten Rule is my favorite, closely followed by Twilight (I can admit it :P); Vampire Academy; Harry Potter (of course); and whatever else I'm in the mood for. Also check out Hard Love and Keeping You A Secret, two LGBT books that I love.

Ice Cream . . . Graham Canyon's my favorite

My friends. Now this one needs more describing. Because while just knowing that I have friends is nice, it’s who they are and what they do that makes me happy. To keep anonymity I’ll just name some things they do that make them awesome!
Introduced me to peppermint white mochas (I’m addicted to coffee because of her and she is dang proud of it)
Crawling on my lap when she is scared
Taking 50 pictures of my dance competition but somehow thinking that isn't enough
Comforting by not actually comforting me. This girl has the most amazing skill of doing things by not doing them. I lovingly call her the Master Manipulator
Listening to my craziest thoughts and still trusting me after everything I've done to hurt him (and somehow being able to still trust him after everything he has done to hurt me)

Anyways . . .

Did I mention Glee? I just love Santana and Kurt. (mini spoiler) I just about cried during the last episode.

DANCING! Anybody want to go to the club because I am always down! I’m also into Latin Ballroom, and competing was the funnest thing. I felt so good after taking the medals exams and somehow passing them.

Memories of my grandma Sara cussing. It’s adorable to watch old ladies curse. Also memories of dancing with my Grandpa Paul and Grandma Sandra.

Doodling. What I do isn’t exactly considered art so it’s been dubbed doodles :)

My job. Crazy I know, but I love it! Maybe it’s the people, maybe it’s the place, or maybe it’s just want I was meant to do. I’m not questioning it though. Shout out to all my grovers!

My family. That shouldn’t be so far down on the list. But I really do love them. Even though I am here and they are there they have taught me so much! My family is nowhere near perfect, but they are perfect for me. That includes Sam and Nicole and Shirley and Stu and ALL you other feud-ers :). I love you all so much! And I’m thankful for ALL the support and love you give me!

Red Velvet cupcakes with straight up vanilla icing.

Dirty Dancing (the movie), Step Up(s), High School Musical (once again, I can admit it), and basically if it has music and dancing I’m there. Along with the mushies like The Notebook, creepies like Nightmare Before Christmas (Tim Burton wins!), and intensities like Harry Potter.

Going for drives

Hitting up the theaters by myself

SLEEPING!

Swimming in creeks and rivers (who needs purifying chemicals when you can play with algae?)

Facing my fears (also known as the ropes course)

RAIN. The harder the better. Dancing in it, hiding from it, running through it, jumping on it, and (hopefully someday) kissing surrounded by it.

PostSecret! If you haven’t seen it, CHECK IT OUT! It’s a suicide prevention website. Most of the time things are just fun but sometimes you get one that reminds you that you are never alone.

Quotes. I keep “sticky notes” with quotes around my desk, near my bed, on my computer. My room is almost covered in sticky notes.

Covered rooms. There are almost no bare spots on my walls due to posters and pictures and art work and just EVERYTHING!

The fact that the RB elevator smells like melted crayons, and the Tanner one smells like weed (poses a lot of questions, I know)

And A LOT (or Alot if you’re a fan of Hyperbole and a Half and if not check it out http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html) of other things! So now that you all have a deep, personal look at the things that make me smile. I challenge you to make your own list. It was awesome to sit down and think about it. You just feel better thinking about things that have made you feel better. And if you can’t think of any, make a list of things you think could POTENTIALLY make you happy, and find a way to accomplish them. Happy writing!

P.S.
Song of the week. So Glee this week was awesome, and I just LOVE Santana and Adele so this mash-up is amazing. It’s been on repeat all day VIA youtube. LOVE IT!!

RUMOUR HAS IT/SOMEONE LIKE YOU- GLEE