I talk all the time about how I love being who I am. I love feeling like it's okay to be who I am and just live life that way. I like to be open about being lesbian and mormon and a byu student and a firefighter.
But there's a major part of me that I feel like I had to abandon a little bit when I came out as lesbian.
I love hugs. I love physical affection and expression.
Those who are close to me know that when someone is having a bad day, I don't have words to make things better. I never know what to say. All I can do is offer a hug or an arm around the shoulder or a hand to hold.
The same thing goes when someone has a good day or does something amazing. I communicate with a pat on the back or a high five.
When I want to say that I think something is absolutely adorable or fantastic or ridiculously talented, I will hug that thing or person so tight they're eyes will pop out.
I'm the kind of person who has to shake hands with any new person I meet. I have to say hello and goodbye with a hug.Hugs are part of who I am. And they are the part of me that I lost when I "became" lesbian.
Here's the story:
I hugged all my friends and practically everyone I ever came in contact with.
Then I told this girl that I liked her--loved her.
She freaked out. Got scared that my physical affection meant more than what I thought it meant.I began to question my motivations for physical affection.
I worried that it was inappropriate for me to hug girls.
I didn't know very many guys to hug.I stopped hugging people altogether.For a long time, I didn't notice.
Because I was depressed, and disconnected from the people around me.
I was scared to touch anyone.
At one point I wanted my mom more than anything because she was the only person I could hug without it being perceived as wrong.
Then one day my roommate and good friend said that we never hugged anymore.
She missed my hugs. I missed her hugs, too. Because she gives really good ones.
And I realized that I didn't initiate hugs with anyone anymore.
So, I tried to work on that.
Because I'm the kind of person who needs five hugs a day, at least.
Now, I don't hug very many people. I feel much more constricted by social rules and people's personal space. I don't want to cross the lines. I don't even know what the lines are, which is why I'm so cautious now.I still communicate physically. Which is why a lot of people think I don't communicate very much--because I don't.
I love being who I am. I want to be all of me. I don't want to deny one part of myself so I can have another. I want to enjoy everything about who I am and not worry about all these personal bubbles. Most people like hugs (even if they don't know it).
I've come to accept the lesbian part of me.
Now it's time to embrace the hugging part of me. ;)