Holiday Miracle in Utah by E

My home town in is Utah, even though I'm not right now, and I am so happy that marriage equality has, unexpectedly, reached that state.  There has been so much controversy over the last few days about all of it and because of my meds (hooray anti-depressants!!) I'm only feeling true emotion in short bursts.  When those bursts do hit I feel so happy that, if I wanted to, I could marry the woman of my dreams in my hometown and it would be just as legal as if I had married the man of my dreams.

If you enjoy reading law journals, which I do when it's about something awesome, I suggest you read this article, published in Michigan Law Review in June of 2012 about the constitutional basis for keeping your marriage intact when you move from a state that supports marriage equality to one that doesn't. I am hoping that it will be lawyers like this author, cases like the ones the brought down Utah's Amendment 3 and DOMA, and people like myself and my family that will bring marriage equality to the federal level.

I personally am not planning on getting married unless I'm going to bring children into the equation, but should I decide to get married, I want to do so without the fear of having my union nullified only because I love, and want to start a family with, a woman. I want to be able to look into my love's eyes and tell her that our love is now recognized by the law and that nothing can keep us apart; we are now family and connected legally to each other.

I have friends and family who do not believe in marriage equality and that leaves me at a crossroads: do I unfriend them on Facebook and ignore them in the real world, or do I just shrug and say "oh well"? The fighter in me wants to tear these people apart and say, "YOU LOVE ME BUT YOU DON'T THINK I SHOULD BE ABLE TO MARRY THE LOVE OF MY LIFE AND HAVE THE SAME PROTECTION UNDER THE LAW THAT YOU DO?!!" I want to show them the hundreds of pictures coming out (teehee) of the great state of Utah that show how happy the couples are; the tears and kisses and hugs and dedication! I want to show them all of the legal precedence that has been laid. I want to show them that they are on the wrong side of history, that they are anti-freedom and anti-love, they will be viewed by their grandchild the same way we view racists of the '60's and '70's.  But the pacifist in me knows that I won't change their minds and quicker or easier than they will change mine.

This weekend has been a crazy one and the coming weeks, as this legal battle develops, will be even crazier.  Until then, this is a holiday miracle that will not be forgotten: same-sex couples were able to marry in Utah!

Pride and Marriage and Homophobia - Oh My!

Your boy Ryan is exhausted.

So much has happened this past week. So many things I’m trying to make sense of.

San Francisco Pride was yesterday. And as many flocked to the city to participate in the festivities, I remained inside my air-conditioned home, avoiding the heat and flocks of people. I am grateful for spaces like pride festivals and see the good and potential they have to be powerful spaces. My feelings can be adequately summed up by this cartoon:

The turn-out to pride festivals, especially among heterosexual "allies," alway surprises me. I would love to know where these “allies” can be reached the other 364 days of the year, while my community works on projects to address homelessness among LGBTQ identified youth, as well as issues of homophobia, harassment, and violence. It’s also important to remember that many individuals choose not to come out about their sexual or gender identity as a matter of pure safety and survival. That for many years, as a closeted teenager, I myself looked onto pride festivals and wondered if I would ever get to participate in them, if it would ever be safe for me to do so, and how would I even get to the point where I could. When are we going to address this problem?

But perhaps I forgot an important part of the puzzle: for pride festivals to include these things, people need to be present to make sure they’re included. In other words, for issues that I want to be represented, I should ensure that they are. And moreover, my own self and life journey need to be celebrated every now and then. I can certainly critique pride festivals and work towards more inclusive spaces, without having to completely withdraw from them.

A pride festival this year without marriage equality as a key focus was inescapable, as the Supreme Court struck down DOMA and California’s Prop 8 on Wednesday. I knew the equal signs of the Human Rights Campaign would be plentiful throughout this year’s pride.

These decisions are historic and celebratory for those who will now be able to access marriage and its benefits. When the Supreme Court undertook these cases back in March, I wrote about my feelings on same-sex marriage. 

And to this day, they remain the same.

The magnitude of these decisions is large. But to be honest, some individuals within the LGBTQ community, including me, are not even thinking about marriage at this point in our lives. This ruling does not address the fact that I am still called “fag” while innocently walking the streets where I live. This ruling did not address the persecution many LGBTQ and religiously identified individuals face within their churches. If anything, The Church’s response to the rulings shows how that opposition has only strengthened. The list of inequalities and unfairness goes on and on. This ruling did address assimilation into social norms, specifically heterosexual social norms, as a way to obtain privileges and benefits that maybe should not be available solely through marriage. While marriage is a great opportunity, it won’t mean much if people are dead and unable to enjoy it. This spoken word piece addresses that:

Despite this ruling, many have assured me (especially “allies”) that this is a great step for my community, and an initial way for people to come around to eventual acceptance. But is it?

Amid my worries with pride and the hype of the Supreme Court rulings, I missed quite a bit in pop culture. If you’re like me, and have missed the Alec Baldwin Twitter controversy, catch up here. 

Baldwin was quickly reprimanded for his “homophobic” tweets. While I don’t invalidate these claims, I notice how easily things are labeled homophobic, and only homophobic. This excludes the gender, racial, and hierarchal issues at the center of many of these instances. In the case of Baldwin, the word queen refers to matriarchy and femininity, used derogatorily to demasculinize the reporter. And femininity is enforced here as a bad thing. Thus, the use of “queen” incorporates a gendered element necessary for discussion, as femininity is seen and deployed as an insult.

What did strike me about Baldwin’s statement, however, was his apology. In it, he claimed to have “done political work with marriage equality groups and insists he wouldn't advocate violence against someone for being gay.”

It’s ironic how this apology utilizes marriage equality as a way to denounce hatred towards gays. But the point remains that Baldwin’s remarks are seen as offensive towards members of the LGBTQ community and, based on my breakdown before, to femininity as a whole. Can we really say, now, that the prevalence of same-sex marriage is going to solve the LGBTQ community’s various struggles? These supporters of same-sex marriage, who claim to be or allies, still perpetuate many harmful issues for our community, that are we really moving forward? Are we really closer to changing people’s minds?

That’s it. I don’t do pride, I don’t do marriage, and I don’t do homophobia. And behind all these beliefs is this thought: am I a bad gay? Is there something wrong with me that I can’t enjoy a pride festival? Or be excited about marriage? Or ride someone’s comments off as purely homophobic? I think it means I’m just unwilling to drink to the Kool-Aid anymore that others keep trying to feed me. And that’s fine. That can be prideful. That can be relationship-material. And that can combat societal ills. 

True Equality Won't Come with Marriage

A peaceful spring break quickly turned into a hectic one. Surprisingly, the continuous plans I made to keep me busy weren’t the most hectic part of it all. Dinner and Jersey Boys, a Giants game, and catching up with friends were the least of my chaos. The most frenzy came from Facebook and this symbol:

and my having to explain my position.

This post is not about arguing for or against the issue of same-sex marriage. That’s not the point. I myself am weary about marriage as an institution, specifically because of the inequalities it perpetuates and small population marriage is even applicable to. I invite anyone to click here, here, and here, for more reading on this topic, as more educated people have been better able to articulate their thoughts on the matter.

And yes, I do realize that this issue reaching the Supreme Court is historical and could produce significant legislation, so that’s not what this post is about. 

What this post is about, however, is how the issue of same-sex marriage is being deployed as a solution to injustice towards the LGBTQ community, the solution to everyone’s problems. And as I struggled to formulate my opinion on the matter, Jack Halberstam, Director of The Center for Feminist Research at University of Southern California and queer theorist, came as my saving grace with the following quote:

"Get married by all means--gays, straights, whatevers--but don't confuse recognition with liberation or the cementing of social norms with social justice."

Amen.

If anyone needs any proof that other and more crippling problems persist, then I wish I could show you my Facebook News Feed, filled with posts from conservative LDS Facebook friends that directly and indirectly denounce not only same-sex marriage, but most importantly homosexuality and being attracted to members of the same-sex. Attraction. Within these spaces, many are not even at the point of grasping the acceptability of individuals interested in members of the same sex, and allowing these people to express their interest through romance and relationships. Even if same-sex couples are granted the right to marry, there are still many problems facing people in the LGBTQ community. The fact that people identifying in such a way can only be accepted in my church if they abstain from romantic relationships is one issue, as it’s unfair to deny anyone to feel and experience the Christlike emotion of love, and build a family, which is one of, if not the, most important teaching of the church.

I admire those allies in support of same-sex marriage, as, for some, it reflects a genuine interest in gay and lesbian politics. But I beg that these same people become allies to the LGBTQ community as a whole, and keep this vigor and passion in issues much more plaguing and vital to the larger community. There are causes and actions more worthwhile than changing a profile picture, and these movements call for personal involvement to work towards solutions towards these problems. Because when “faggot” continues to be yelled at me as I walk down the streets of my community at night, I must admit that same-sex marriage is only a pit stop on this journey, with stops of homophobia, acceptance in religious spaces, and LGBT youth and homelessness needing to be addressed. There are many more issues plaguing the community that are vital to the mere survival of some. Before marriage, survival and basic necessities must be met first.  

A Time Out from the World

“You can’t always be reacting. You need a space where you can just be.”

As my Black Studies lecture came to an end, I scribbled down this piece of advice from my professor before packing my things and leaving. She explained that there are many stereotypes, oppressions, and political and social forces one can react to. However, reacting all the time to these things is not healthy for us individually, and we need a time and place to escape reacting and to just be us, knowing that who we are and how we are is beautiful and enough, contrary to how larger social forces paint us. Being involved with politics and being surrounded by others enlisted in the same battle, I found this quote very applicable. With the multitude around me always fighting and involved in some political issue or another, this unanticipated and fresh piece of advice rang true in my mind.

If my political/reacting self were who I am all the time, I would be a different person. I would be an angry, pessimistic, aggressive person who keeps pushing his individual wants and needs onto others (at least I hope I’m not like this normally). It becomes necessary, then, for me to separate my political self from my personal self. But more so than this, politics and current laws have nothing to say about my personal life. Even though same-sex marriage is largely unavailable, I’m still going to date men and even settle down with one, should that happen for me. No matter what happens to me politically, I’m still going to be me personally.

This is not to say that political happenings should be completely disregarded. Politics and having people fight for a cause is vital, and I am incredibly grateful for those who do this for others. Indeed, laws exist and are being created to limit our rights and the rights of others. It’s necessary to fight against this discrimination and wide scale oppression, because these laws can make an impact on us personally. What I am saying, however, correlates with the idea of “leaving my work at work.” Ultimately, what happens on a larger scale level should not limit how I act or behave personally. Even if same-sex marriage never gets legalized in all 50 states, should that prevent me from falling in love and settling down with my partner of the same sex? No.

Nietzsche said it best when he said, “Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster.” In taking care of ourselves, it becomes vital to not always be reacting to social forces, and separating the political self from the personal self. While what happens politically may affect me personally, it will never stop me from having the personal life I want. The government does not personally know my name, face, who I am, or my individual case. Why, then, should I let them be a part of my life?

The Stereotypical Gay Man Will Marry Your Girlfriend

Deny gay men the right to marry each other? Fine, straight guys, they'll just marry your girlfriends. This is the argument that the last CollegeHumor video makes. I've seen countless Facebook posts linking this video; it's gone viral fast. And while the video garners support for same sex marriage in a funny and thought provoking way, the video isn't flawless. Perhaps I'm not too fond of the stereotypes of gay men that the video reinforces, such as gay men having the perfect bodies, being fashionable, enthusiastic about visual artistry, etc. And I'm not even addressing the "gay best friend" role gay men are often cast into with their female friends.

But despite these irritations, the video is still an effective way to raise support for same sex marriage and presents an interesting solution: don't want to lose your girlfriend? Get rid of the [threatening] competition by allowing them to marry one another. Because if you can't do it out of the kindness and decency of your heart, maybe the threat of losing your beloved girlfriend to another, more qualified man will change your mind.

Watch the video HERE.

Guest Post: All That I Want

I am a Mormon, and I support gay marriage.

Whew! There, I said it. The best part is that I am far from alone. Every day, those who have opposed the union of same-sex couples are being shown that gay love is in fact a manifestation of genuine love, and that gay marriage is not the kryptonite of the “traditional” family. Marriage equality is gaining support among the religious and the conservative, slowly but surely. Perhaps it's just a point of concession, and yes, there will always be those who will never support gay marriage. But they really can't rain on my pride parade; the American LGBT community is itching to prove the naysayers wrong, and I, for one, am willing to take the shift in the wind full sail. It's an exciting time.

One fallacy that keeps rearing its ugly head among the particularly embittered who are against marriage equality is the idea that legalizing gay marriage is the first step in some “master plan” of the left. I kid you not. There are those who believe that once the “legalizing gay marriage” box is checked off on the liberal conspiracy bucket list, the homosexual's thirst for power will not be quenched until it has desecrated America with feather boas and glitter. Not to mention all will have to hand over their firstborn child to the homosexual regime.

Meh, so I got a little carried away with the hyperbolizing. Unless your firstborn child is David Archuleta, I am not interested. Feather boas make me sneeze, and glitter is the herpes of the craft store, so no thanks.

I feel quite confident in saying that any gay person I know is just looking for equal rights. They want to have the option of marrying the person the truly love. They want the right to be truthful about their identity if they serve in the military. They want to be respected as a minority. To anyone who believes that gays are looking for more than their fair share, and that this push to legalize gay marriage across the states is the first step in a campaign to undermine the American legal system: Is respect and human decency too much to ask for?

To put things into perspective, let me outline what exactly it is that I want out of my little gay life:

Right now, I go to Brigham Young University. I'm studying film. In about six months or so, I plan on serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I confess that I'm not as literal of a believer as I used to be, but I still hold firm to the Mormon idea that personal spiritual revelation is a valid line of communication with the divine. I want to teach that, and I want to provide for other's spiritual and physical needs. I have my reservations about my future missionary service, but I plan on seeing it through because I also have high hopes that I can change someone's life for the better. That's as simple as I can put it. All I want is to give back.

After my mission, I want to enlist in the Navy. Anyone who knows me may be surprised at my choice, as I've never admitted the fact that I'm drawn to military service. The truth is that I see the protection of the country I live in as a cause that I cannot watch from the sidelines. I am particularly interested in the humanitarian efforts of our military. Jokes about gays and the Navy aside, there is much good our brave servicemen and women do, a lot more than the media gives them credit for methinks. Specifically, I want to be a religious programs specialist. That means that I would assist Navy and Marine chaplains in their duties as well as provide them security. I want to help the men and women of the military be ready for the unknown. No matter what they believe, I want be there to provide our soldiers with inner peace amidst external chaos.

My game plan after the Navy becomes rather vague. It is life, after all; who knows what will happen. I do know I'd like to finish a college degree. I do know that I have a passion for theatre and the arts, so that will always be there to enrich my life. I do know that I want to marry the man of my dreams, and I know that I want to be a father. Blame it on my Mormon roots, but it's kind of my ultimate goal, to be husband and father.

(Personal anecdote alert. I promise I go back to my original topic.) I was joking with a friend of mine the other day about the fact that I've kind of assumed the role of housewife while I've been home for the summer. I've been cooking, cleaning, going to the gym, picking up my brother from places. Essentially, I've been channeling my inner suburban mother. But here's my little secret: I like it.

Stay-at-home Dad, househusband... Whatever your name you have for the calling, that's really what I want to be when I grow up. I want to be a homemaker; it's a dream of mine really. I don't think I ever had a parent who stayed home full-time when I was in school, and I kind of wish I did. I want my kids to grow up knowing I'm there for them and I love them. Not that my parents were bad or insensitive or anything, the sentiments in the previous sentence have just always been implied in our relationship, never explicitly stated. Often times I've been left wondering where the love is in our home, and I don't want my kids to ever have any doubt in their minds that I am there for them. Children are the leaders of the future, and they deserve the very best we can give them. I want to do my small part in making that happen. Plus, I love kids; family can be so rewarding.

And there it is! My outline for the future. Check in next week, and it will probably be completely different, but that's beside the point. The point is, does this sound like anyone who wants more than his fair share? I submit, that I, in fact, want nothing more than “the pursuit of happiness.” That's all that anyone, gay or straight, can ask for.

I aspire to be a son, a lifelong student, a saint, a sailor, an artist, an actor, a father, a husband and a homemaker.

It's a mouthful, so I say I just aspire to be human.

Truly Yours,

Elliot

P.S. Follow my blog! apronkid.blogspot.com

Family

Everyone has a family of some kind. Some people were raised by a single mom or a single dad. Some grew up with step parents or half siblings. Some were even raised by grandparents or adopted parents. There are all kinds of combinations when it comes to families, and there is no single type of family that is better than any others.

"Zach Wahls, a 19-year-old University of Iowa student spoke about the strength of his family during a public forum on House Joint Resolution 6 in the Iowa House of Representatives. Wahls has two mothers, and came to oppose House Joint Resolution 6 which would end civil unions in Iowa."