patriarchy and female homosexual relationships by e

Lately I have been watching a lot of YouTube video's about what it means to be bisexual, pansexual, a lesbian and everything in between.  I have been watching video's on how to tell if a girl has some homosexual tenancies, how to flirt with said girl, and what mainstream lesbians think of bi/pan/queer folk.  And in watching these videos I've realized something: patriarchy is everywhere!

Patriarchy, is defined by Google as a system of society or government in which men hold the power and women are largely excluded from it.  This is particularly troublesome in the girl-girl relationship field.  Girl-boy relationships are predicable, and easy to figure out.  The boy opens the doors, pays for dinner, makes the first move.  But what about girl-girl relationships?  Who takes the lead, who is the initiator?  What if you both are initiators, or passive gals?  Rarely does one find a relationship where one girl is ALWAYS the initiator and one is ALWAYS passive.  It is more likely that they will switch roles, many times throughout the day, let alone the course of the relationship.  It is also more likely that one will find oneself passive at the same time one's girlfriend/love interest is passive and the same goes for initiators.

[I hope that is it not going unnoticed that I am avoiding the use of the word aggressive, which would naturally be the opposite of passive, but I HATE the word aggressive and anything surrounding it.  I also am trying to be very careful not to call girl-girl relationships lesbian relationships, because that implies that all girls in all girl-girl relationships are lesbians.  And that is just as untrue as calling every person in a girl-boy relationship straight.  Though I guess one way around this would be to call the girl-girl relationships homosexual relationships because they are TECHNICALLY homosexual, meaning comprised of two individuals who are of the same gender.  I guess that's what I'll do.]

So how does one navigate the dark and twisty road that is female homosexual relationships, without that oh so comforting blanket of patriarchy to use as a guide?  I should hope that the answer would be obvious: discuss it with your date/girlfriend/partner/_(other similar words)_.  If one is not sure who is paying for dinner, or who is leading in the dance, or who is opening whose door, I purpose talking about it.

Dating is hard, there is no need to make it harder by trying to play a game, or be coy, or any of that nonsense.  And I need to follow my own advice.

both ways by E

I was back in Small Town, Utah, for the weekend and just happened to get to spend Valentine's with a man I have been crushing on quite intensely. I stumbled, love drunk, through the door of my parent's house and excitedly told my momma that finally, after five months of chasing this fellow, I spent the night in bed with him.  Her response was quite unexpected: "You really can go both ways, can't you?"  And that got me thinking.

Yes, I think I can go both ways, though I definitely have preferences.  When it comes to being in relationships I would rather be with a woman.  Something about cuddling with a woman and baring my soul to her...the idea of a girlfriend, of a wife, makes me very happy.  But right now, I am lusting after a man.  Just one man.  Well...maybe two, but the second is Tom Hiddleston and I don't have a shot in hell with a movie star!

What does it mean to be able to go both ways? Is there such a thing as a perfect split or is there always going to be a preference of one over the other?  These are things I wonder as I lay in the dark, watching the firelight from my candle dance around the ceiling.

My research has led me to believe that sexuality is fluid, to a point.  Especially for bi-pan-queer.  I just don't know my extremes yet, what I fluctuate between. And that is a point of interest for me.  I'll figure it out some day.

Sex for Young Gay Mormons

Matt here.

One of the more memorable experiences of my college career was listening to a friend tell a brief story. He said, "Yeah, I couldn't stay with him. Every time we had sex, he'd curl up and cry after." That picture horrified me. Tangled up bedsheets and a young twenty-something in the fetal position between the bed and the wall. (That's where I would put myself, if it were me.) It makes me want to just hug him and tell him it'll be all right. It's just sex! It's just sex.

I would, of course, be lying. But in that moment when the action is finished and all that's left is the pain, when the past can't be changed, when it seems like sex is the sinniest sin you can sin (except for murder or denying the holy ghost), then, in that time, seeing sex as just sex is the best, kindest thing. Stop the pain, first.

Sex is on my mind because for the first time ever it's throwing itself at me. I've been in the Bay Area for just a couple of weeks, and I'm fairly certain I could have been with someone every night--there's no shortage of willing men--but I know myself. My cells are still infected with Mormonism; my neural pathways have yet to reform. Some significant part of me would still say I was sinning. Some significant part would end up crying between the bed and the wall.

I did in fact cry after my first experience with a man. Not until the following afternoon, though. I had driven out to my favorite beach on Puget Sound, and I sat in my clunker and looked out on the water and felt that I had Done Wrong so profoundly that I bawled until the snot started dripping. My religious friends would probably say I was feeling the natural consequence of my sin, designed to keep me from doing it again. Helping me learn my lesson: Stop touching hot stoves. Yet I didn't think that I'd Done Wrong; I just felt it. And there are an awful lot of ways to make someone feel they've Done Wrong that don't involve them actually doing wrong.

Mormonism had an awfully long time to mold my feelings, and I don't feel bad admitting that they still have a rather Mormon bend. Truth be told, they will probably always look Mormon-ish. I don't actually want sex to be just sex, although I can see how that perspective could be useful. As I told a friend recently (while debating the merits of hooking up versus not), I really like having sex tied with relationships and trust. I like the spiciness sex gets when it's a little bit scarce, a little bit special.

So, young gay Mormons, my advice is to take it very slow. Build relationships. Don't give in to pressure or expectation before you're ready. Know what 'ready' looks like for you.

***

To This Day (Ted Version)

Monday Bluuuuuuuuuues, I’m Gonna Getcha Good

There are two women who stole the heart of my childhood self: Leann Rimes and Shania Twain. And while the 4 year old me self-identified with Rimes’ "Blue" (or at least her ability to hold the note), it was evident to everyone that I connected most with Twain. Indeed, her cassette tape (90s child and proud of it) Come on Over was on constant repeat in my mom’s car. “Honey I’m Home” became the first song I recall enjoying in its entirety. It is no wonder that my love for all things Shania has lasted through the years. But it was only this morning that I truly understood how long Shania and I have lasted.

I will not pretend like it is easy for me when my exes move on and meet someone else. Thanks to Facebook and being an active social creature, I have been around long enough to witness every ex boyfriend, date, crush, and hookup move on to someone else. And the majority of these exes share one thing in common: they move on to something bigger and better, or at least more serious and long lasting. The trend has not been broken with a recent ex, who mentioned to me the idea of us turning serious a mere month ago. But to log on to Facebook last night and see his status as in a relationship with some other guy was upsetting, to say the least. Cue feelings of inferiority and emo-ness, and preparations for a life as an old cat lady.

When I awoke this morning, I felt no different, until I decided it would be best to blast some Shania on the way to school. Indeed, Ms. Twain (and more importantly the shuffle feature on my iPhone) blessed me with “Today is Your Day,” her most recent (and not well known) track from 2011. What burst through my earbuds was this:

“You just gotta make up your mind//That today is your day”

In that moment, I realized it was up to me to turn my mood around. I could allow other people and events that do not involve me to bring me down, or I could choose to make the most of the day I had been given. Soon after that decision, I realized something even bigger: just because two people are labeling themselves on Facebook as in a relationship, does not mean that it fits my schema of what I want in a relationship. It does not indicate that their bond will be as fulfilling, gratifying, or solidified as the one I aspire to have. Therefore, when I get envious of others, I cannot say I’m envious of their relationship, nor can I let it affect me and deem me fundamentally unable to ever fulfill the role of a boyfriend for someone, somewhere.

Seems like Shania is still the one I run to…

My Funny [Problem With] Valentine

To be honest, I’m not too fond of Valentine’s Day. It’s not even because I get to watch privileged couples flaunt their love and relationship in front of my face. No, it’s because I really do not see the point in going all out to show your love for someone on one specific day of the year. Annually, I wonder why more people can’t treat everyday like it’s February 14^th. Who’s to say that on some ordinary day, a day with no holiday or celebratory significance, I can’t do something special for the person or people I love just because I love them? Add in the capitalist element of cards, flowers, chocolates, expensive dinners, and Valentine’s Day just seems like a financial expenditure. And didn’t J.Lo sing about how love doesn’t cost a thing?

For the single population, Valentine’s Day is another reminder that we must find a romantic partner so that our cats, ice cream, and television aren’t the only things keeping us company at night. The abundance of speed-dating events and other activities on this holiday seek to eliminate the single population. But to be real, I would rather curl up with a warm blanket, dessert, and an intellectually stimulating documentary than meet a crop of failure guys who cannot stimulate me in any sense.

However, there are 2 perks of Valentine’s Day:

1    1). Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups in the shape of hearts. Yes, these are exponentially better than the eggs at Easter time, trees at Christmas, or the pumpkins at Halloween. If love had a taste, it would be these.

2    2). Plans with my best friend. This is the third year in a row that we've done this. The tradition started when she broke up with her boyfriend 2 years ago, just a few days before Valentine’s Day. I suggested we go to a fancy dinner together for February 14^th, and the tradition has since stuck.

For those of you out there feeling alone this week, I want to say sorry. Sorry that life can be unfair sometimes. Sorry that you have to go throughout Thursday thinking about whoever broke your heart, or whoever is no longer present in your life, or when you’ll have people in your life who you care about and cherish. If you’re lonely or bitter, keep your chin up. I discovered this video a few years ago. It articulates everything I wish I could, and so eloquently too.

Tanya Davis' "How to Be Alone"

Celibacy is a lanthanide. Pretty useless.

Matt here. Putting off the end of the series I've been working on.

Like my profile says, I was seventeen when I first thought about not marrying a woman. I was sitting on a floral-print couch at LDS Family Services, talking with my young and bald counselor, Curtis. He asked me to imagine my life at forty—married, children—and then to imagine what I would feel if I realized at that point in my life that I was gay.

Leading question, right? It was needed. I'd honestly never considered it before. It just wasn't a possibility, being gay. Not for me. But then in that safe, weirdly antiseptic Curtis-space I thought about it and I knew that I would hate that situation and that it was entirely plausible. I also realized that my complete lack of sexual feelings for women meant that I wasn't straight.

The thing is, I didn't want to have sex with men either. That's kind of a buzzkill in relationships. Maybe that's why I just don't see myself having a family. Sometimes it looks almost possible and I try to convince myself that somewhere out there is a guy I'll love who either shares or ends my weirdness, but most of the time I think I will probably stay single. Maybe that's why when I come across things like the Night Watch in Game of Thrones* I think, ah, I could work with that. Celibacy is my element.

Unfortunately, it seems to be a pretty useless element. The only brotherhoods that require it in the real world seem to be religious, and I'm not interested in religion. There's no sword-wielding, ice-wall-guarding group of mostly badass misfits for me to dedicate myself to and feel at home in. (Not that I'm particularly badass . . . but I could be!) There's just the same sex-crazed world everybody else has, and in that world, a lack of interest in sex is just odd and problematic.

It doesn't make me particularly sad. Just restless. All that energy the other guys put into the quest for sex . . . what to do with it?

---

*It's possible that my love for fantasy novels is as detrimental as anything to my search for a mate, but Game of Thrones is cool now, right? Thanks to HBO? Right?

Why You're Single

We all have those friends. Or maybe you are that friend. You know exactly who I'm talking about. It's the friend that longs for love, a relationship, something meaningful to fill the void in their life. Every cup of coffee or meal with this person, the conversation eventually turns into "I'm so single. I wanna be in love soooooooo much. It won't happen for me though. I'm [insert degrading adjective here]."

In many instances, I have been that friend. Waiting, wishing for the right opportunity to come along. Looking at my surroundings and wondering what's wrong with me and what I need to fix. For some people, maybe there are issues that can be overcame now as a single person, and when an opportunity comes along, you'll be that much more ready for it. For some, these notions of something wrong with us are fallacies we use to degrade ourselves and convince ourselves we're anything but worth it.

Maybe my longest romantic relationship in my 20 years on this planet was 3 months. Maybe I do have a lot to learn about myself, not to mention romance and what it means to connect with another person on that level. But I do know this: I've seen heterosexual couples, I've seen same-sex couples. I've seen super skinny & super fit people be single, and I've seen fuller figured people in relationships. I've seen young love, I've seen old love. I've seen people consciously "play the game" and succeed, I've seen people who didn't even try and found the love of their life. None of it matters. There comes a point where I just accept that despite the hours of theorizing and postulating about how love chooses whom to infect, there's no telling. And until we have it in our lives, there's nothing we can do but keep pushing onward, putting our best faces forward, and bettering ourselves so that we may be happier, for ourselves first and then for whoever happens to stumble into our lives .

"Why You're Single by Amanda Crute

You’re single because you’re single. It’s not because you texted too much or too little or waited 33 minutes to respond because he took 23. It’s not because you met up with your ex that night at 5 a.m. that no one knows about, or because you kissed another boy after a date with a loser.

You’re not single because you spit food on that date or tripped coming out the the movie theatre. You’re not single because you hurt your first boyfriend really badly when you were 15 or because you have yet, to this day, to apologize. It’s not because you were secretly jealous when your friend got a boyfriend or that a guy you dated for two months now has a really cute girlfriend and looks really happy. And you’re happy for him. But still ill that he found someone before you.

You’re not single because you slept with your ex boyfriend. You’re not single because half the world found out when you didn’t even want to remember it yourself. You’re not single because you think the guy your friend wants to hook you up with is ugly or not tall enough. It’s not because you’re not willing to put up with someone who doesn’t brush their teeth on a regular basis.

You’re not single because your standards are too high. Good for you for having standards. It’s not because you didn’t like that really, really good guy who wanted to take you on a date and you just weren’t feeling it. And it’s not because you like to wear pajama pants as soon as you get home and wash all the makeup off your face. You’re not single because you didn’t learn enough from the past or would rather chill on a Friday night with your blanket and a cold beer than shower, get ready, and go out. You’re not single because something is wrong with you.

You are single because you are single. It’s really as simple as that. You haven’t made the connection with another heart yet. You can get dolled up, dress cute, cut your hair, dye your hair, tweeze your eyebrows, put on lipstick and you may still. be. single. You can go out to a bar hoping to meet the love of your life and not find a damn one in the place attractive. And it’s going to remain that way until it’s time for you to find one. Stop hoping for it. Start living the life that you do have instead of wishing for things that you don’t have. There will come a time you’ll meet a boy and you’ll have to give up some of this single freedom you currently have. Start being more thankful. Start doing that now.

1 Girl, 5 Gays, Eh?

I could be the worst gay ever. More often times than none, I have not had any of the typical gay “rites of passage” that many have long since experienced. We won’t even mention the fact that I have not seen Brokeback Mountain yet (oh, the shame). A lot of what culturally happens in my community always transpires without my knowledge. Although I am familiar with many LGBT music artists, I am typically culturally illiterate until someone brings me into the light.

Such was the case when I walked in on my roommate watching “1 Girl, 5 Gays.” For those that don’t know, it’s a Canadian show airing on MTV Canada, and on Logo in the United States. The show features the heterosexual and charming Aliya Jasmine Sovani as host and a panel of 5 gay men chosen from the Toronto community.  The 6 talk about various aspects of their love and sex lives, which results in humorous and outrageous confessions.

After watching just one episode with my roommate, I was hooked. Each episode is entertaining and light, with just a small smidge of adversity and inspiration. In other words, it’s a lot of happy with an “aww” moment every now and then. Also, I experienced something rare while watching the show: I was able to relate to most of these guys, their answers, and their experiences. Let me just say that if this show is representative of gay life in Toronto, I’ll start packing my bags. The guys, on camera at least, are like nothing I’ve ever experienced before: positive, genuine, and normal. 

Season 4 episodes can be watched online here, and season 1 episodes can be watched online here. And if you live in Canada/an area where the copyright doesn't apply to you, well, then I envy you because you can watch them all here. 

How the Grinch Survives Christmas

“I-iiiiiiiiiiiiii don’t want aaaa lot forrrr Christmas”

I groaned, ignoring the “what’s your problem?” looks from the people in that coffee shop. Admittedly, even I had to check myself. I mean, it was only November. And it was the first instance of the holiday season where I was hearing Mariah Carey’s popular “All I Want For Christmas is You” (though now my count has reached the 30s, all thanks to radio and department stores).

And that’s when I knew I wasn’t feeling Christmas this year.

Jingle all the way? More like whining all the way as I went about my December activities. Not even shopping or donating to a homeless shelter could lift me out of this funk. It got so bad that I even began to sympathize with those melodramatic tales from people not having that “special someone” to go do December-y things with: gift shopping, hot cider drinking, snow frollocking, and ice skating. Typically, I respond to such lamentations with a big LOL and a “that’s ridiculous.” But this December, as I put on my happy face and thinking cap to buy presents, it took all I had to bite my tongue and withhold cynical points of criticism at the slowpoke couples standing in my way of that last scarf.

And as I went about December, I couldn’t help but wonder if other people were experiencing the same thing. Are there others who don’t like the holidays? Do the typical December activities turn off some? Is loneliness a widespread feeling during December? How do people get into the spirit of the holiday season?

Now, with it being Christmas Eve, I feel resolution as I sigh relief go and realize I have made it through the holiday season. Now comes the easy part: nom nom-ing on delicious food my parents make and unwrapping the clothes I helped cast as my presents in the production of Christmas Day.

But as soon as Mariah starts singing next November, will I be in the holiday spirit?

Autonomy Interferring WIth Me Getting Help, Again

Ever had such strong emotions about something that you can't keep them bottled up? But you can't tell anyone you know? Not that you don't want to tell anyone. You want to tell someone, but you can't bring yourself to? This is the case with me.

First, I realize this is finals week and stress is at a max. But, I know myself. I don't stress enough on my finals. I try to put pressure on myself but pretty much the only difference between me pre-finals week and finals week is zero video games and this insane desire to clean everything.

Anyways, what I want to tell people but I can't.

This blog is about breaking the silence. And I wish that I had some cool, clever username and could be completely anonymous. Instead, Dupree knows me and reads my stuff. Tif, MJ, Jo have met me in person and can put a face to me. Two friends (both names starting with E) read this blog and talk about my posts with me and each other. Jay, my ex-boyfriend of three months, reads this blog. Hell, if my mother had the mind to, she could read this blog (but doesn't normally, mainly because I think she has a hard time remembering).

Admitting my feelings, my thoughts, can be quite difficult. It is almost like I only reveal my feelings selectively rather than with complete honesty. Everything I say is completely true but not everything I want to say gets said. So, realize that admitting to anything can be difficult because I'm not completely anonymous.

So, I'm taking a bit of leap when I say this. I'm starting to have doubts about my half-asian. Not because I don't think he's wonderful. Not because of any mistakes he, or I, have made. But because I'm stressed, not able to sleep and just getting insecure about my life and future.

I'm graduating in December 2013. That is a year away. And when I graduate in 2013, I want to get away from this forsaken land. What was the one futurama quote about Utah? "Well, in those days, Mars was just a dreary wasteland... much like Utah. But unlike Utah, it was eventually made livable... in 2636." I want out of this place, and I can't drag Half-Asian around with me. He's stuck here with his mother.

And this moving thing is really grating on me. But...
- He has acknowledged this problem well before I did. And hence why he didn't want to get too close because I could be leaving soon.
- He brings this problem up often, noting that he wants me to make my own decision, uninfluenced by him.
- He assures me things don't work out no matter what the present might say, calling on his experiences with his ex boyfriend that he had for over a year. He assures me that just because things might not work out doesn't mean one of us did something wrong.

Basically, he is giving me plenty of opportunities to call quits because of my schooling, letting me know that it wouldn't be my fault. So, no pressure at all is being put on me by him. All the pressure is purely mine.

Unfortunately, I think the reason why this is so... difficult... is because I like him. Way too much. I love his facial expressions and how he thinks he's so good at lying and covering things up. I love the way we can make fun of each other, no harm done. I love how cuddle time often devolves into competitions of insults and humor and stories of our pasts. The way he uses metaphors to understand the world around him. How he sees the world as simplistic in places I see it complicated. His ways of trying to prove to me that he is my equal, almost like he doesn't believe that I do see him as more than an equal. Just, I love SOOO much about him.

But there is so much more to life. I want him. I want to leave Utah. Around Half-Asian, I would choose him any day. Not around Half-Asian, I've recently been flip-flopping. And I'm conflicted.

Maybe this is a phase. But I want advice from people. I want to tell people this so I can get outsiders opinions. But I can't bring myself to tell people my problems, probably due to my pride in remaining autonomous. So, let me hope this post will help me tell people so I can discuss this more. If my confliction is a phase, I want out of it. If it isn't... I REALLY want advice, opinions. And either way, Breaking the Silence is the best way for me to deal with my confliction.

So, here is the post.

So Much Love to Give

I’m moving a couple thousand miles away in a couple of weeks and if you’d asked me how I felt about it last month, I would have told you I’m frigging ecstatic.

If you ask me today, however, I’m less excited. In fact, I’m second guessing my decision to go and I’m a little disappointed.

Don’t get me wrong, I still am ready to leave Utah (it will always be home but I am truly sick of it right now).  I also think my new home, Cincinnati, is a beautiful city and I know there is a lot more professional opportunities back east than there are here, but I’m sad.

Why you may ask? Because I’ve started seeing someone and I like him – a lot. 

I haven’t dated anyone, male or female, consistently for over a year.  Because it’s been such a long period of time in between relationships, I forgot how wonderful it feels to care about someone and realize that they feel the same way about you, too.

I forgot how beautiful it feels to share your deepest thoughts, fears, and emotions with someone; to connect on a level that you really can’t reach when you’re ‘just friends’ or interacting with family members.

Similarly, experiencing sensual, intimate moments with someone who you care about and are attracted to can be euphoric.

As I’ve mulled over the last few months of exchanges with this guy, I am beginning to realize how far away from my former faith and church I’ve come. In previous experiences and romantic interactions with men, I have felt overwhelmed with guilt and fear and dread.  Now, however, I feel peace, tranquility, and even love.

Perhaps my change in feelings can be attributed to this guy. I mean, I have to say I think he’s pretty wonderful. But, honestly, I am more inclined to believe that I am finally starting to discover my own divine worth; that I am who I am and that is okay – regardless of what family members or neighbors or anyone else may say or think. I am finally to a point where I believe I’m a good human being who deserves to love and be loved.

As I think back on my years of commitment to celibacy and “Christian service” (rather than coming in and out as gay), I am saddened.  I have so much love to give and I cannot fathom (anymore) the idea of not sharing my love with someone. I am still trying to figure out where I stand with God but, from what I do still believe, I do not think that He wants or expects me to hide my love – or anyone’s love for that matter.

If He exists, He IS love, right? At least that’s what we’re taught. So that is how I am going to govern my life and my relationships.

Now, is my new ‘beau’ my future husband? I don’t know. I do know, though, that I am in the right place at the right time and when I move next month, I will address the changes and challenges as they happen.

Until then, though, I am going to enjoy some wonderful company and a blossoming friendship and relationship. Any time's a good time to love, right?

That's All It Isn't

Basically, you get caught doing something you’re not suppose to be doing. You might get in major trouble so you freak. You scramble around, freaking out and all you can say is “It’s not what you think! It’s not (insert what you were doing). That’s all it isn’t.”

Yeah, so, you just made the situation ten times worse by saying maybe one of the stupidest things imaginable. Now, not only do you have a heart racing like it’s in the Indy 500, but you just possibly said the stupidest thing ever (next to some of Sarah Palin’s comments three years ago. Those are difficult to beat). Now, there you are, caught and suddenly… the perfect catholic girl who caught you walks out of the room.

What? What just happened? She didn’t freak? There wasn’t any blood from the poor girl’s brain exploding after her innocence has been shattered? Now you wonder. Are the rumors true? I mean, I heard a nasty comment once remarked by an untrustworthy individual, but could it be true? Could she be “imperfect”?

At this point, you have to keep your cool. After all, the other person that you were (insert what was happening) with doesn’t know you were caught. He didn’t see. So, you go outside with the other person, pretending nothing happens. Maybe she really didn’t see anything. Maybe she’s cool with it. Whatever the case may be, there was no confrontation, thus the best case scenario for being caught had happened.

Then, she comes outside. Alone. Not hanging out with your sister who she had come over to see. She walks up to you. And asks you directly, “Are you a couple?”

Now I don’t think it was the best case scenario.

Now someone has seen me with Brian (pseudonym, and only chosen because of the person who just walked by). Brain and I have had this thing for a couple months, but no one but my best friend knew about anything. So, I tell this catholic girl yes, we are a thing. I took Brain back to his place where we talked till the sun went down (which, by the way, was at least six hours). We talked about us. In Utah culture, it might be called a DTR (defining the relationship), but, at the end, instead of saying we were in a relationship we defined ourselves as just brothers.

Yeah. Hell if THAT was true.

I went along with it for a while (by “a while” I mean two years). But, in the end, my first “brother” and I ended our relationship. Not because of distance (which, admittedly, probably had something to do with it), but because of Brian’s inability to accept that he was gay. So, I’m moving on. Haven’t completely lost my feelings for Brian, but at least I’m trying to move past it all. It hurts. I still get very emotional thinking about him and memories such as the first “DTR.” Give me a few months though and those emotions will be blissfully drained out my system in much the same way people use to bleed sick people.

For the record, what the catholic girl caught me and Brian doing was cuddling on a couch. xD And yes, I know what I implied.