True Equality Won't Come with Marriage

A peaceful spring break quickly turned into a hectic one. Surprisingly, the continuous plans I made to keep me busy weren’t the most hectic part of it all. Dinner and Jersey Boys, a Giants game, and catching up with friends were the least of my chaos. The most frenzy came from Facebook and this symbol:

and my having to explain my position.

This post is not about arguing for or against the issue of same-sex marriage. That’s not the point. I myself am weary about marriage as an institution, specifically because of the inequalities it perpetuates and small population marriage is even applicable to. I invite anyone to click here, here, and here, for more reading on this topic, as more educated people have been better able to articulate their thoughts on the matter.

And yes, I do realize that this issue reaching the Supreme Court is historical and could produce significant legislation, so that’s not what this post is about. 

What this post is about, however, is how the issue of same-sex marriage is being deployed as a solution to injustice towards the LGBTQ community, the solution to everyone’s problems. And as I struggled to formulate my opinion on the matter, Jack Halberstam, Director of The Center for Feminist Research at University of Southern California and queer theorist, came as my saving grace with the following quote:

"Get married by all means--gays, straights, whatevers--but don't confuse recognition with liberation or the cementing of social norms with social justice."

Amen.

If anyone needs any proof that other and more crippling problems persist, then I wish I could show you my Facebook News Feed, filled with posts from conservative LDS Facebook friends that directly and indirectly denounce not only same-sex marriage, but most importantly homosexuality and being attracted to members of the same-sex. Attraction. Within these spaces, many are not even at the point of grasping the acceptability of individuals interested in members of the same sex, and allowing these people to express their interest through romance and relationships. Even if same-sex couples are granted the right to marry, there are still many problems facing people in the LGBTQ community. The fact that people identifying in such a way can only be accepted in my church if they abstain from romantic relationships is one issue, as it’s unfair to deny anyone to feel and experience the Christlike emotion of love, and build a family, which is one of, if not the, most important teaching of the church.

I admire those allies in support of same-sex marriage, as, for some, it reflects a genuine interest in gay and lesbian politics. But I beg that these same people become allies to the LGBTQ community as a whole, and keep this vigor and passion in issues much more plaguing and vital to the larger community. There are causes and actions more worthwhile than changing a profile picture, and these movements call for personal involvement to work towards solutions towards these problems. Because when “faggot” continues to be yelled at me as I walk down the streets of my community at night, I must admit that same-sex marriage is only a pit stop on this journey, with stops of homophobia, acceptance in religious spaces, and LGBT youth and homelessness needing to be addressed. There are many more issues plaguing the community that are vital to the mere survival of some. Before marriage, survival and basic necessities must be met first.  

Always.

Matt here.

Today I pictured myself married to a guy. Very thorough daydream on the train. I hope someday I can do that without a voice in my head saying "One day you'll be sorry."

It occurs to me that perhaps that voice will always be there.

Closet Muzzle

Not done talking about coming out.

BYU. October 2008. Walking past “Yes on 8” booths in the Wilk every day, wrapped up in layers and layers of clothing because my hatred of cold is a well-documented and immutable fact. There was no snow on the ground, but the trees were bare and the sky was gray and mostly I kept my head down and shrunk in on myself as I walked past the booths.

One day I came up from the basement where the counseling center is and the first thing I saw was “Yes on 8.” I walked up to the blonde who was handing out fliers and I said “I know you have your reasons for what you’re doing, but I want you to know it hurts me and people like me a lot.” I don’t remember how she answered. I don’t know if she ever thought about what I’d said after I walked away. To be honest, I don’t care.

My counselor and I had been talking about feeling muzzled in the church and at the university, like it wasn’t acceptable for me to say what I thought, and the important thing that happened that day happened inside my head. Something shifted there. The muzzle snapped and my quiet, calm, hurt little nineteen-year-old voice popped out and it was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. It was my whole most important thing and—again!—it didn’t matter whether hearing it changed anything for the listener. Once I’d said it, I could say it again, and I could say other true things, and the hurt shifted.

When you’re in the closet, see, the first pain come from being alone and unheard and unable to speak. Everything else, every discrimination and insult, is secondary to that fact, that first limit inside your skull, and as long as the closet muzzle is there, there’s only little little little you can do about the rest.

I shed that back in 2008. I spoke and spoke and spoke and in fact probably spoke more than I should have, but sometimes we go a little crazy with freedom.

 When I first got to Japan, I didn’t feel muzzled. I just didn’t speak. The problem is that over time the muscles atrophied, or the muzzle grew back, or . . . something. When that kid said what he said, I wanted to say something but didn’t-couldn't, and that scared me. Now I feel like it’s a choice again.

I do wonder if it’s just laziness. I do wonder if I’d feel stronger if I chose differently.

***

About a committed relationship. I was thinking about this because the friend who was visiting last week is a bit more than just a friend. At one time, years ago, there was an alternate future in my head that involved us getting married and starting a family. 

The thing is, being here with him was wonderful, but that I-want-to-be-with-you-always feeling isn’t there anymore. We’re different people than we were, and I think we both like our current selves better than the people we were. I at least am acres of rolling green hills happier with now me than I was with then-me. If we’d gotten together in college, I think being in a relationship would have stifled a lot of these good changes. You can't just move to Seattle / New York / Japan when you're in a relationship. Cross-country road trips are harder to coordinate. Poverty's harder to ignore.

We'd've grown in other ways, I'm sure, but I wonder if I'd like that me better.  If you’re having similar thoughts about making decisions and giving up lives that could be, you might enjoy this exquisite essay.

***

This week, I’m going to take the officer aptitude test for the Navy. I'll probably want to say something about the military next Saturday.

To The British Way!

Marriage is the core of the culture of Mormons. You hear from twelve years old that you are preparing yourself for marriage. Men mainly get the "sexual purity" talk and how we should remain pure until marriage. And the mission prepares us for marriage. I think that's all we get until post-mission. Women get the whole "What is the point of life?" talk. (P.S. just in case you're not Mormon, the answer is marriage)

The degrees to which this is emphasized on is different depending on your leaders. When my full-time working mother taught young women's, she came at this question with a bit more liberalism. But when some other, nameless people attacked this question... let's just say liberalism was a polar opposite.

Anyways, what needs to happen for the couple to get married? A wedding! As a Mormon boy who grew up in Mormon culture and knew lots of Mormons and had three Mormon siblings get married, I should be an expert at weddings, right?

Wrong. I was never allowed into the temple. I've legit never seen or attended a wedding. Never. I've been to ton of receptions, but never a marriage. Until yesterday, I though wedding rehearsals were something only in the movies (give me a break, I grew up with Mormon culture). If you are too young, you are not holy enough to see a wedding, even when it is your own brother. Even worse, if you are not in the church, you can't see someone you love get married. It is not allowed. You are excluded. And exclusion always makes things more sacred, so this sort of exclusion is good, right?

Never been to a wedding. I'm not holy enough to witness one. It sucks.

This is why I vote we do it the British way. Weddings must be public so anyone can attend. Afterwords (usually several weeks) people go to the temple to get sealed. And their weddings are just as celebrated, just as holy, just as sacred. And they don't demand exclusion. So... to the British way!

Guest Post: All That I Want

I am a Mormon, and I support gay marriage.

Whew! There, I said it. The best part is that I am far from alone. Every day, those who have opposed the union of same-sex couples are being shown that gay love is in fact a manifestation of genuine love, and that gay marriage is not the kryptonite of the “traditional” family. Marriage equality is gaining support among the religious and the conservative, slowly but surely. Perhaps it's just a point of concession, and yes, there will always be those who will never support gay marriage. But they really can't rain on my pride parade; the American LGBT community is itching to prove the naysayers wrong, and I, for one, am willing to take the shift in the wind full sail. It's an exciting time.

One fallacy that keeps rearing its ugly head among the particularly embittered who are against marriage equality is the idea that legalizing gay marriage is the first step in some “master plan” of the left. I kid you not. There are those who believe that once the “legalizing gay marriage” box is checked off on the liberal conspiracy bucket list, the homosexual's thirst for power will not be quenched until it has desecrated America with feather boas and glitter. Not to mention all will have to hand over their firstborn child to the homosexual regime.

Meh, so I got a little carried away with the hyperbolizing. Unless your firstborn child is David Archuleta, I am not interested. Feather boas make me sneeze, and glitter is the herpes of the craft store, so no thanks.

I feel quite confident in saying that any gay person I know is just looking for equal rights. They want to have the option of marrying the person the truly love. They want the right to be truthful about their identity if they serve in the military. They want to be respected as a minority. To anyone who believes that gays are looking for more than their fair share, and that this push to legalize gay marriage across the states is the first step in a campaign to undermine the American legal system: Is respect and human decency too much to ask for?

To put things into perspective, let me outline what exactly it is that I want out of my little gay life:

Right now, I go to Brigham Young University. I'm studying film. In about six months or so, I plan on serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I confess that I'm not as literal of a believer as I used to be, but I still hold firm to the Mormon idea that personal spiritual revelation is a valid line of communication with the divine. I want to teach that, and I want to provide for other's spiritual and physical needs. I have my reservations about my future missionary service, but I plan on seeing it through because I also have high hopes that I can change someone's life for the better. That's as simple as I can put it. All I want is to give back.

After my mission, I want to enlist in the Navy. Anyone who knows me may be surprised at my choice, as I've never admitted the fact that I'm drawn to military service. The truth is that I see the protection of the country I live in as a cause that I cannot watch from the sidelines. I am particularly interested in the humanitarian efforts of our military. Jokes about gays and the Navy aside, there is much good our brave servicemen and women do, a lot more than the media gives them credit for methinks. Specifically, I want to be a religious programs specialist. That means that I would assist Navy and Marine chaplains in their duties as well as provide them security. I want to help the men and women of the military be ready for the unknown. No matter what they believe, I want be there to provide our soldiers with inner peace amidst external chaos.

My game plan after the Navy becomes rather vague. It is life, after all; who knows what will happen. I do know I'd like to finish a college degree. I do know that I have a passion for theatre and the arts, so that will always be there to enrich my life. I do know that I want to marry the man of my dreams, and I know that I want to be a father. Blame it on my Mormon roots, but it's kind of my ultimate goal, to be husband and father.

(Personal anecdote alert. I promise I go back to my original topic.) I was joking with a friend of mine the other day about the fact that I've kind of assumed the role of housewife while I've been home for the summer. I've been cooking, cleaning, going to the gym, picking up my brother from places. Essentially, I've been channeling my inner suburban mother. But here's my little secret: I like it.

Stay-at-home Dad, househusband... Whatever your name you have for the calling, that's really what I want to be when I grow up. I want to be a homemaker; it's a dream of mine really. I don't think I ever had a parent who stayed home full-time when I was in school, and I kind of wish I did. I want my kids to grow up knowing I'm there for them and I love them. Not that my parents were bad or insensitive or anything, the sentiments in the previous sentence have just always been implied in our relationship, never explicitly stated. Often times I've been left wondering where the love is in our home, and I don't want my kids to ever have any doubt in their minds that I am there for them. Children are the leaders of the future, and they deserve the very best we can give them. I want to do my small part in making that happen. Plus, I love kids; family can be so rewarding.

And there it is! My outline for the future. Check in next week, and it will probably be completely different, but that's beside the point. The point is, does this sound like anyone who wants more than his fair share? I submit, that I, in fact, want nothing more than “the pursuit of happiness.” That's all that anyone, gay or straight, can ask for.

I aspire to be a son, a lifelong student, a saint, a sailor, an artist, an actor, a father, a husband and a homemaker.

It's a mouthful, so I say I just aspire to be human.

Truly Yours,

Elliot

P.S. Follow my blog! apronkid.blogspot.com

a straight byu student's perspective on homosexuality

Brad Carmack has been an active part of the group (USGA) that meets weekly on BYU campus, and he has offered a unique perspective to the literary world with his book on homosexuality. You'll be able to find links to the online version of his book under the References page, but take a look at this article from q salt lake.

http://qsaltlake.com/2011/02/03/byu-student-writes-book-about-homosexuality/