Tuesday, July 8, 2014

patriarchy and female homosexual relationships by e

Lately I have been watching a lot of YouTube video's about what it means to be bisexual, pansexual, a lesbian and everything in between.  I have been watching video's on how to tell if a girl has some homosexual tenancies, how to flirt with said girl, and what mainstream lesbians think of bi/pan/queer folk.  And in watching these videos I've realized something: patriarchy is everywhere!

Patriarchy, is defined by Google as a system of society or government in which men hold the power and women are largely excluded from it.  This is particularly troublesome in the girl-girl relationship field.  Girl-boy relationships are predicable, and easy to figure out.  The boy opens the doors, pays for dinner, makes the first move.  But what about girl-girl relationships?  Who takes the lead, who is the initiator?  What if you both are initiators, or passive gals?  Rarely does one find a relationship where one girl is ALWAYS the initiator and one is ALWAYS passive.  It is more likely that they will switch roles, many times throughout the day, let alone the course of the relationship.  It is also more likely that one will find oneself passive at the same time one's girlfriend/love interest is passive and the same goes for initiators.

[I hope that is it not going unnoticed that I am avoiding the use of the word aggressive, which would naturally be the opposite of passive, but I HATE the word aggressive and anything surrounding it.  I also am trying to be very careful not to call girl-girl relationships lesbian relationships, because that implies that all girls in all girl-girl relationships are lesbians.  And that is just as untrue as calling every person in a girl-boy relationship straight.  Though I guess one way around this would be to call the girl-girl relationships homosexual relationships because they are TECHNICALLY homosexual, meaning comprised of two individuals who are of the same gender.  I guess that's what I'll do.]

So how does one navigate the dark and twisty road that is female homosexual relationships, without that oh so comforting blanket of patriarchy to use as a guide?  I should hope that the answer would be obvious: discuss it with your date/girlfriend/partner/_(other similar words)_.  If one is not sure who is paying for dinner, or who is leading in the dance, or who is opening whose door, I purpose talking about it.

Dating is hard, there is no need to make it harder by trying to play a game, or be coy, or any of that nonsense.  And I need to follow my own advice.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

workin' the graves with e

So, I'm back on graveyard shifts...yay! But really, I do love graves, as it gives me time to work on school stuff, catch up on Facebook and Netflix as well as my YouTube channels.

Okay, so the updates.  My friend Kevin, the God unto himself and resident Heathen Gayboy of the group we hang out with, has declared that I'm not bi/pan/queer but rather his lesbian other half, who sometimes has straight phases.  So, there's that.  He says this because lately I've been going out with a lot of guys, but the dating pool of women in Small Town, UT, is quite shallow. And polluted by my crazy ex.

I GOT INTO SCHOOL AT KANSAS STATE!! HOORAY!!  I'm a student of the online Master's of Science in Academic Advising program.  I want to work with college students. Or be a farmer.

I'm trying to get a house, which is exciting.  There is a bid pending on one that I really like and I'm hopeful that I'll be moving in by my birthday.

I went to Pride last weekend and had a BLAST! It marked a year since I came out to my ex-(male)-fiance.  I went with two of my friends and walked around looking at everything and it was really great.  Then we went to the local LDS Temple and kissed in front of it.
what else, what else.... I think that's it....  I still want a wife and I'm trying to figure out how to make that happen in the next 10 years or so.... so yeah....

I hope everyone is doing well and shine on!

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

She's Coming, And I Worry

Veronica is coming!

She'll be here the weekend of Salt Lake Pride, by accident, how fun is that?
We are planning what to wear for the White Party, planning our whole 4 day weekend.
Plenty of poolside tanning. Plenty of wine, plenty of late night snuggling, plenty of pillow talk.

It's been almost two years since I've seen her.  I miss her and I love her terribly.

But I'm really nervous.  I don't want to sleep with her, but I know that I probably will, given the situation I'll be in.  Tempting, easy, comfortable, sexy as hell.  But I literally DO NOT want to sleep with her.

I told her this and she almost cancelled her trip.  I don't really know how to handle the feelings I have toward her.  Yes, I love her, yes, I'm very attracted to her.  My heart doesn't want the sexual pressure and her reaction to my telling her I didn't want to get to that level of physicality bothered me quite a lot.  I always knew that men wanted me just for my body.  I'm athletic, small, toned, and tan and I have beautiful crazy long brown hair.  I get it.  I never, however, imagined that a woman would want me for the same reason alone and her response made me feel like a cheap cut of meat.

And that breaks my heart a lot because I thought and hoped I was more.

Besos amigos.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

catching up by e

Hey ya'll. So, what's new in my world... Well I've applied to gradate school at Colorado State, in Student Affairs, and Kansas State, in Academic Advising.  I love college and the college atmosphere and I want to be around it for the rest of my life.  I think that I'll probably stay in Utah and get a posistion at a Utah university because I like the idea of being a non-Mormon, non-straight person that college kids can come to for help.  I want to be that safe space for people; a sounding board that won't judge no matter their choices.

I'm taking on students for horseback riding lessons and that's gonna be fun.  My students range in age from four to 45.  I'm a little nervous because the horses I'm going to use, although quite broke, haven't been ridden as much as I'd like them to be.  So I'm going to be riding a lot this week.

My girl...well things aren't really happening there and I don't know why.  She wants to talk face to face and lately hasn't been texting as much as normal so I'm a bit worried.

That's everything new in my world! How are ya'll?

Monday, May 19, 2014

Cracks in the Chrysalis

I have found that the closer I get to joy, the crazier my life becomes. It doesn't matter if I'm experiencing joy, finding more people with joy in there lives, or simply becoming more comfortable with joy as a concept, the closer I get to it the faster my life seems to fly into chaos.

This has terrified me. It confirms to me and to others that I am not on the right path, cannot possibly be making the right choices, and that what I have experienced simply can not be real joy. That pleasure and excitement, the buoyant feeling that left me with more love in my heart and kindness for my fellow man could not have been real, must have been a lie because look, just look at what has followed!

I have let chaos rage and howl and send me fleeing back to my cave to wait it out in silence and confinement.

But I'm tired of silence and confinement. I am exhausted from holding myself in a space that was never meant for me, from quieting a song that refuses to be unsung. I am left empty chasing acceptance from a world that is incapable of accepting anything but a lie.

And I finally realize something. Chaos follows joy, not because it wasn't real, but because too much of what I have can only exist in misery. As those things run screaming from my joy, anything that was built upon them will come crashing down. So, do I let it?

Do I let joy be the destruction of my misery and do I let go of all it was attached to? Do I let the cracks appear and consume my cave until I am left exposed and vulnerable in my joy?

This time, am I brave enough?

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

a weekend get away by e

This coming weekend, my girly is house-sitting for a friend and as invited me to spend some of the nights there with her. I'm so excited that for a weekend, we get to have a place where we can openly show affection!  I'm so excited to hold her hand and cuddle on her during a movie, sneak up behind her and kiss her neck while she is cooking, holding her has we sleep.  To explain how excited I am...there are no words!  EEEKK!!!

Sunday, May 11, 2014

What Did One Bisexual Say To The Other?

I realize I've sucked a big butt at keeping my posts regular.  However, in my defense I'm moving in less than two weeks and I have SO much to do.

BUT!  That is neither here nor there.

News, friends.  I went on a date... with a man.  I've known him for two years and we've been able to work together in some really awesome capacities.  Well he finally asked me out formally and we had and ARE HAVING such a fun time!!

He is so many many things and there is so much I could say about what kind of person he is (in a word: beautiful!) but what I really want to tell you is something pretty special.

He is bisexual.  Like me.  He views love like I do.  We love who we love.

At first i was scared.  I'd never had feelings for someone who was fully bisexual like I am.  And I was able to talk to him about it.  My fear, how he feels, perceptions on love, romance, relationships, etc.

And now... It's fucking beautiful.  

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

the most selfish and brave thing by e

This week's post is about this four minute long clip from the afternoon, American talk show, Ellen: Ellen Page on Coming Out

First off, E's favorite parts and commentary of the clip....
     1:28- Page talks about being trilled to be at a point in her life where she can verbalize it
Coming out is such a personal thing, and it takes being in the right place at the right time.  You have to have the right support system, be in the right type of housing, and have the right kind of job.  Could you imagine losing any one of those things, just for saying that you are not straight or cisgender?  It happens, way too much.
     1:48- DeGeneres talks about coming out being the most selfish thing anyone can do
Coming out puts a lot pressure on those around us to reevaluate the way they see us, the way they talk to us, and the way they talk about us.  It also makes someone reevaluate the ENTIRE way they view not straight and transgender individuals.  Coming out of the closet is selfish because for the most part, it almost entirely only benefits you, but those benefits SOO out weight the costs.  For those of us in the closet anyway.
     2:00- Page talking about her life getting better since coming out
Page talked about feeling less stress, being happier, and everything just generally getting better.  When I first came out, everything seemed so much better, but I wasn't in the right place so things fell through a little bit.
     2:23- DeGeneres talking about how coming out gets rid of the self-shame that comes from being closeted
A million times yes!!  When you are in the closet the shame comes from so many places.  Peer pressure to be out, peer pressure to be in.  Pressure from your internal self to pick which peer pressure to give into.  Self-shame from not being able to choose.  Self-shame from feeling like a horrible person for not being straight.  And coming out, first to yourself and then to others, makes being not straight an okay thing and all of a sudden you have NOTHING to feel shame over! And. It. Feels. AMAZING!!
     3:21- Page talking about getting to be yourself at work, wear what you want and talk about ex's
This is something I wish like hell that I could do, be myself at work. But I'm not that out yet.  I wish that I could be; I wish that I could talk about the people I want to date and why I shaved part of my head, and why I like going to Pride so much that I made getting time off for it a contingency of my returning work when I moved back to Utah.  Getting to be out at work, getting to bring your significant other to work functions and hold their hand...that is the dream I'm working on making a reality right now.
So much that I like happened in this tiny clip alone!! What are your thoughts?

Monday, May 5, 2014

She likes to shock people

Your words stare at me from the screen of my cell phone. Words like Concern. Blab and Rumors. Offensive and Sick. Rebuke with Anger. Risk, Damnation and The Darkest Pit of Hell.

But these are not the words that my eyes are drawn to. Out of all of these things, what sticks in my brain is the one word that should be the least harmful.


According to you, I like to shock people.

Mom and Dad, no. I have never enjoyed shocking you.

I never came to you, with my heart in my hands wanting your disapproval. I never desired to look up from a moment of joy to see your faces stuck in that twisted, pained expression. I never relished letting my truth slip out only to be met with your disdain and I never yearned to have the core essence of my being to be so revolting to you.

For years you watched as imitated a pretzel, weaving myself in and around expectation after higher expectation, straining to one day be found worthy of some peace, some praise, some affection.

And now at a time when my twisted, broken pieces are falling away and I am finally pulling myself together, you get a glimpse of what I am trying to build and you are shocked.

Well then; I will meet your shock with my Awe as I crash recklessly into this light because I'll be damned if I continue to live up to your standard of misery.

 I would like to be happy.

Maybe that's what's so shocking.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

phobia by e

Phobia  noun  an extreme or irrational fear of, or aversion to, something; synonyms: dread, terror, hatred, loathing, revulsion 
When someone has a phobia of something, most people tend to think that it means they are irrationally scared of whatever it is the phobia is about.  Does that mean that people who are homophobic are irrationally scared of homosexuality?  If so, then I feel that homophobia is an inaccurate label for a lot of people; they aren't scared of homosexuality, they hate it.

But why do we hate things? The things we hate tend to be things that we don't understand, or don't like being around.  If this is the case then could education help homophobics overcome their homophobia?  Granted, if someone wants to get over a phobia, they first have to acknowledge that it is, in fact, a phobia and completely irrational.

I just want people to accept me for who I am.  I want to be able to hold my girl's hand in public without people looking at us like we are odd.  I want to be able to cuddle with her at her grandparent's house.  I want to be a normal, twitter patted girl who is in the throws of a crush.

But I can't be and it sucks.

And I sound like a broken record, I know.  And I almost don't care haha

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Once Upon A Time On Taco Tuesday

In Salt Lake City, there is one day a week that is unlike any other.  A day that holds enormous possibilities for romance and flirting.  This day is Tuesday.  Because you can get tacos for a dollar. 

On Tuesday, I had a date.  I think. 

I had asked her if she wanted to get a drink and a taco and she said yes.  There was no one else there and I was pretty nervous.  It wasn't like two friends getting together, it was like... a date.  We were both so nervous.  I put into my mind that I was just meeting a new friend and there was nothing else.

But her glasses sat so perfectly on her nose and her shoes were the sweetest of girly sweet.  And her breasts looked amazing in her summer dress.  

As the evening went on, she bought me a drink and once, upon giving her a high five, our fingers intertwined.  Neither of us let go immediately.  

Then she started to smile at me and not look away.  I would blush, and sip on my long island.  Our knees got closer, we swiveled in our bar stools until we were no longer facing the bar, but each other.  

She recommended a horror film.  I told her I was too scared, she said she'd watch it with me. 

When I had to get up to leave, I said, "I'd really like to see you again...." not knowing how to finish the line.  She didn't miss a beat and said "I'd like that."  

I can't wait.  

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

homophobia's destructive power by e

I asked my daddy if he thought that I should be able to marry a woman some day. He avoided the question and told me that nothing could change how much he loved me; that parents love their children no matter if they do something the parents disagree with.  He then told me the story of how his friend, a man who loved his son dearly, had to turn the son into the cops because the son was molesting children.  "And I will love you no matter what you do," my father concluded.  Now maybe I'm being too sensitive, but I think that he compared me marrying a woman to molesting children...

One of my best friends is dating the woman of her dreams but their relationship is under fire from the girlfriend's fundamentalist Christian, homophobic family.  Because of this (and a few other things) the girlfriend is feel TONS and TONS of guilt and their relationship is on the rocks.

I'm involved with a girl.  A beautiful and intelligent girl who is in the closet.  And being with her is kind of hard because of it.  I have to accept her where she is at, I can't force to come out, that would be the worst thing I could do to her.  But I hate that I can't reach across the dinner table at her families house and hold her hand.  We have to sneak outside separately when we want to give each other a good night kiss.

I'm jealous that I can't hold this girl's hand any time I want. I'm jealous of couples that can show their affection publicly.  I want that.  I want to be able to show my affection for this girl any time I want to.  I want to hold her hand, kiss her on the cheek, and give her a hug in front of her family without them freaking out.  Why does homosexual affection freak the fuck out of some people?

Monday, April 21, 2014

How Was It?

"So, what was it like?"

"It was great! She introduced me to some wine at her place. We talked all through dinner. She insisted on picking up the check. We awkwardly flirted as we waited for the taxi. Once we got back to her place we got in the hot tub. I think we just chatted and flirted for over an hour before someone was brave enough to make the first move."

"Yeah, but what was IT like?"

What could I say? That I had rarely found myself so eager to drown in someone else's skin? That holding and touching her most intimate parts was like breathing again, or for the first time? That despite the fact that my unbridled desire to devour her made me sloppy and greedy, it seemed like every touch was perfect. Every scratch, every kiss brought a delicious moan to her lips that fueled every following action, until the night sky melted away and there was only this burning, driving force.

I loved her breasts and her thighs and her ass. I loved the little scars on her skin. I loved the way she giggled and reached for a smoke. And I loved watching her curl onto her side as she started to cum. I loved holding her, just holding her, as she fell asleep.

"It was like one of my best fantasies. Only, I didn't know it could be real."

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

i should have known by e

I should have known that I was gayer than the average heterosexual when I saw pictures of girl/girl couples and was jealous.

I should have known that I was gayer than the average heterosexual when I met girl/girl couples and wished I was gay so I could have a girlfriend too.

I should have known that I was gayer than the average heterosexual when I started fantasizing about what a female coworker's fingers could do to me.

I should have known that I was gayer than the average heterosexual when, as my wedding day approached, I started to wish, desperately, that I had kissed a girl so I could know what it was like before I signed my life over to a heterosexual relationship.

I should have known that I was gayer than the average heterosexual.  But I didn't.  I kept pushing these thought back and saying, "If only I was gay then I could do these things I want to."  I don't know why I didn't stop and go, "E, you are having these thoughts and feelings because you like women; stop wishing you did because you do!"

How many years did I waste, relationships I could have had, relationships I could have avoided, because I wasn't willing to be out to myself?  Why did it take me so long before I finally came out to myself? I certainly don't know!  But I do know that I'm now living as a bi/pan, not straight female and am happy.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Bi. Sexuality.

Erin's Post about Biphobia and Bisexuality was super interesting and maybe it's because I live in my own world where it simply is normal and real to be able to fall in love with either men or women, but I didn't realize that "we" truly are labeled as either gay or straight.

I'm here to talk more about this and am stating, as I have told my sisters and friends: I am bisexual.

While reading Erin's post, I felt my heart fail at times when I realized that it's true, when I tell men that I am bisexual, they assume that I simply have lesbian tendencies.  When I tell my girlfriends that I like women or that I fell in love with a woman i get "so are you going to go be a lesbian with her?" When I tell women that I'm bisexual, they assume I just like to sleep with anyone I can.

I hate that.

I am often attracted to many men and many women, but I have fallen in love with five men.  I've fallen in love with two women.  And the thing is: I truly LOVE them.  That love with each of them has waxed strong at times, and fallen to the gutters at times.  Sometimes it was too short, but has left me with so many beautiful memories and at the moments we loved one another, it was an essential part of living.  I needed those people at the times I had their love.  Most of them I am still close with, but a few are gone forever leaving twinges of heartache and some sadness and feelings of 'what if'.

There's this girl... She's got the prettiest dimples and this crazy wavy hair.  We've gotten really close.  I like her a lot.  When she drinks too much, I take her home and tuck her into bed.  She's beautiful and sweet, she cares about people and has dreams for herself.  Her mother is an alcoholic and abuses prescription drugs, she wasn't cared for as an adolescent.  She loathes her upbringing and loves good parenting.  She's getting a degree and wants to be amazing.  I say she IS amazing.

There's this guy at work.  He's in a different department than I am, but he passes through my area every morning and we have built a sort of flirtatious bond.  He has two boys 8 and 9 years old, and I imagine him to be the very best of the very sweetest dads.  The monday after my birthday, he stopped and said "M! How was your birthday?!", and listened attentively to my regaling.  I have the biggest crush on him and my co-workers tease me after he leaves. My face flushes and they laugh.

These are real feelings.

When I was in a relationship with Q, after I had to stop my correspondence with Veronica, I felt like I was in a relationship where my sexuality meant that I was a cheater who was always looking at women.  I felt like I couldn't be me, because I couldn't be open about the fact that YES, I am very attracted to women.  To him, that meant that I only wanted to be with women.  I feel like if my bisexuality had been treated with respect, our bond could have evolved into something wonderful and we could have become closer than ever.  But I felt trapped, I felt like I was living a lie when I was more nervous to tell Q that I was hanging out with my girlfriends than my guy friends for the sole reason that he would think I was screwing around.  Where my bisexuality was concerned, because I did love him, it was lustful, rather than the true love feelings that I am capable of feeling for any gender or gender association.

People are people and I am capable of loving anyone.  I think all people should feel free to feel the same.  Love who you love, because life is short and (in my A-theist opinion) you only live it once.  Make the most of your relationships, enjoy your crushes, blossom in the feelings you feel for other human beings.  These are not moments to waste, but to cherish and bask in.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

biphobia, bierasure and the crusade to make me straight or gay by e

I saw a new therapist this week.  He seems like a cool dude; he said "fuck" within 15 minutes of meeting me and sat cross-legged in his office chair.  When I told him that my fiance and I broke up because I liked girls his first response was: "So lesbian?"  I said, "Well, not straight."  He then proceeded to tell me that  he would use "gay" or "lesbian" and just follow myself identification.  It didn't hit me then but has since: bisexual didn't seem to cross his mind.  Bisexual doesn't seem to cross many people's minds as a legitimate form of sexuality.  Maybe because when a bi/pan/queer person couples, they are automatically identified as straight- if they are in a heterosexual relationship- or gay- if they are in a homosexual relationship.  Someone who is bi/pan/queer has to come out as bi, even if they are coupled, lest the aforementioned occur.  The following that are thoughts and ideas that I have heard from people about what THEY think it means to be bisexual or pansexual or anything other than gay or straight. The links go to articles that I have recently read about bisexuality in the media, and my favorite lines from those articles.  I hope you become educated.

 Inaccurate, yet totally believed ideas about what is means to be bi/pan:
  • you're indecisive
  • you aren't capable of monogamy
  • you're lying because: A) you must lean, however slightly, one way or the other; or B) you are just trying to be cool by saying you're a member of a minority population
  • if you date opposite sex, you're automatically straight and if you date same sex, you're automatically gay, there is no room for what YOU know you are
  • you are just confused about what you want from a relationship
  • you can be in a hetero relationship and therefore escape the discrimination, ergo you aren't truly a member of the LBGT community and shouldn't benefit from going to Pride, PFLAG or an LBGT Center
  • you're a "sexual tourist"; just sleeping around, having fun, but will settle with into a straight relationship, therefore you aren't worth the time as a serious dating prospect
  • bisexuality isn't real
10 Bisexual Celebrities that Everyone Keeps Labeling as Gay or Straight
"....one glaring issue in our culture is bi erasure. All too often, people who call themselves bisexual get hammered into ill-fitting cubbies labeled “straight” and “gay”"
Why Bisexuals Stay in the Closet
"....experts say there is still little known about bisexuals because studies often group them with gay men and lesbians." 
The Scientific Quest to Prove Bisexuality Exists
"Most bisexuals are in convenient opposite-sex relationships and aren’t open about their sexual orientation. Why would you be open, when there is so much biphobia?"
"When Lawrence said that he was bisexual, the man looked at him with a pained face and muttered: “Oh, I wish you’d told me that before. I thought this was a real date.”"
"But in the eyes of many Americans, bisexuality — despite occasional and exaggerated media reports of its chicness — remains a bewildering and potentially invented orientation favored by men in denial about their homosexuality and by women who will inevitably settle down with men."
“They said that bisexuals couldn’t be trusted, that they would inevitably leave you for a man. Had I come out as lesbian, I could have been welcomed with open arms, taken to parties, invited to join the softball team." 
"[Indiana University Researcher Brian Dodge] found that compared with their exclusively homosexual and heterosexual counterparts, bisexuals have reported higher rates of depression, anxiety, substance use, victimization by violence, suicidal ideation and sexual-health concerns." 
Is Bisexual Identity a Useful Fiction?
"Start with the stereotypes: Bi men are often perceived to be gay men with forays into heterosexuality—yet bi women are frequently painted as straight women with forays into homosexuality."
 "....no matter how close bi people move toward a Kinsey 3, society will never allow them to completely shake their purported starting point."
 "....bisexuality, as an identity, is little more than a useful fiction. Don’t believe it. The problem lies not in bisexuality itself, but in the modern bisexual movement, which has failed to articulate a coherent platform beyond its initial goals of recognition."
 Bisexuality: What NYT and Slate Got Wrong
"This is a perfect example of why matters of great significance to bisexuals continue to be covered up and erased -- greater society and the media that represents it continue to emphasize the sexual aspects of bisexuality instead of the difficult, often tragic problems that come with being bisexual, as well as the advancement of the community as a whole."

My momma calls me lucky because I "have the ability to fall in love with anyone."

Monday, April 7, 2014

New Secrets

"I'm sorry!" I burst out, "But there are just too many sports related innuendos!"

I say this as my six year old son is running around his grandmothers kitchen with the new baseball set she got him. My mother rolls her eyes and sighs.

"You know, just because you won't have the kids for two days doesn't mean you can't control yourself. You'll have plenty of time with your husband later."

But she's wrong. I won't have time with my husband. Between both our jobs and his school, we would barely sleep next to each other. So I have a date.

I feel the blush creep up my face as I think of her shoulder length hair, shy eyes, and her soft porcelain skin. I think about showing up at her house, about having dinner, about retiring to her hot tub. Images of beautifully wet female skin start racing through my head.

My sister nudges my shoulder. I'm a kid again, caught in my naughty little thoughts as I sit in my mother's kitchen.

My sister smiles and says, "Yeah, we know what you're thinking about."

You don't. You really, really don't.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Sex and Love

For a couple years I went on a sexual journey to try to figure out why I couldn't have an orgasm.  True.  Stay with me.

I have trouble connecting with men on a sexual level.

I tried all kinds.  Bigger penis, thicker penis, circumcised, uncircumcised, all shapes, all sizes, I even went black.  But for all my experimentation, I couldn't have an orgasm.  That can get frustrating for men.  But I knew it wasn't them, it wasn't something they were or weren't doing.  It was me.  I felt attracted to them, but I didn't feel desire for them. I never had a real connection with them.

I love big men.  I love beards and mountain man type builds.  I even have a thing for bald heads with beards.  The bigger the better in my opinion.  I had sex with a guy once who felt smaller than I was ( I was a double zero at the time) and lets just say it didn't work out between us.

For me, I need there to be a crazy chemical reaction.  The kind of reaction where you feel raw, burning desire so strongly that the sexual intimacy flows lava like from both parties.

It wasn't until I was with a woman that I found this.

Is it because it's less known area for me? Probably.  Is it because I'm inexperienced with women?  Definitely.  Is it because I have an attraction for women that I've only accepted for a few years of my 31 years?  Absolutely.

I'm happy to say that since I was able to discover my true sexuality, I can now connect with men on a sexual level.  I'm not on the intimate level yet, and FAR from the love level, and that's ok with me.  I realize that my journey isn't through and it will be a lifelong road for me.  I need some recovery, I need some healing, I need some self love.

My hope is that through these things, I will come to find the level of love and intimacy that everyone dreams of and too few are lucky enough to reach.  But then again, I don't believe it has anything to do with luck.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

life goals by e

Lately I have been talking a lot about wanting a girlfriend and dating, mostly because they are the things on my mind.  But it has occurred to me that this blog, for me anyway, is about introducing people to the fact that the "gay agenda" is the same as the "straight agenda"- to live a happy, fulfilling life.  For this reason, I have decided to dedicate today's post to life goals of mine.

Learn to snowboard
Be a member of the Mounted Posse
Get a Master's degree
Have a career that allows me to positively influence the lives of others
Become fluent in ASL
Become proficient in Krav Maga
Attend the Kentucky Derby (yep, the horse race)
Be one half of a functioning, self-sufficient relationship
Own- 100%, no questions asked- my home and land

My life goals are no different than any straight persons, except that I want to marry a woman, not a man.

Monday, March 31, 2014

Starting Now

I'm sitting here with my drink and my head is spinning. Not my drink, the drink she bought for me. The drink she got the moment mine was empty, popping out of her seat like a daisy and coming back twice a shy.

Her husband and my husband keep chatting. I think they're onto cars now. She looks at me with those Doe eyes framed by her blunt bangs and I feel myself melting.

We keep stumbling over our words. The band is loud and so we have to get closer to even hear each other. Why is the curve of her neck intoxicating?

I feel her hand on my knee and my skin starts to burn. I want to keep her hand there so I brush it with my fingers. Our hands intertwine as she starts stroking my knee with her other hand. But she looks down. Still so shy. A beautiful blush starting to creep across her cheeks.

I look across the table and see my husband looking at me. He smiles his genuine smile and I am amazed. He is happy. Not just turned on or lustful, but happy. He is happy that I am happy. And in this moment I think my heart will burst.

My gratitude and my love for my husband crashes against me. At the same moment longing for the shy beauty etches itself onto my skin with every touch of her fingertips, making the air tingle and my head whirl.

But it's getting late. Everyone has to go home. She types her number into my phone before linking arms with her husband and slipping through the door. I sit in my car, not sure if I'm more intoxicated by the whisky or her touch, and I wonder what just happened.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

What Cums Next

I live with my boyfriend.  I hate it. Not to say I hate him exactly, but I feel like... a prisoner. 
When we began dating, he knew I was attracted to females and that I considered myself bisexual and he knew that I had been with Veronica and that she was my very best friend.  I felt like I was being progressive and doing the right thing by being upfront about my sexuality and about my desire to explore my attraction to women.  Mister Q, as I will call him, expressed the "oh that's so hot" and "I'm totally ok with it" and the "I'd love to experiment with that as well" cliches that many men exhume when discussing two females being together in a sexual or intimate way. 

As it turns out, men are big fat liars in that respect.  (sorry for the generalization)
While it's true that they MAY find the idea of that incredibly tantalizing, they do not, in fact, actually want it to ever EVER ever happen.  

My boyfriend and I split up for a period of about 2 months, during which time, I met a couple who was looking for a female companion of sorts for the wife. Thinking I'd never see Q again, I enjoyed my time with the couple enormously!  They were fun, yet intelligent and strange, yet normal.  I truly cherished our friendship more than the time I had with them sexually. They knew that Q was trying to win me back and that I was sick of his garbage and his controlling ways and the way he hid everything from me. 

When we got back together, I told him about my sexcapades with the couple and he was, for lack of better phrasing, Pissed.  Infuriated, he told me he would do terrible things to them if he were to ever see them or meet them or run in to them.  

I was afraid for my friends.  Terrified for them!  So as casually as I could, I broke things off with them, including all conversation and social networking.  Which hurt. Because I cared for them and they meant much to me. 

I stayed in contact with Veronica as normally as I thought safe.  He knew, after all, that she was my best friend and that I cared for her.  One day, after several weeks of being together again he asked me one question that Veronica had asked me just several days earlier.  The question was "If Q asked you how you felt about me, what would you tell him?"  I was startled that the question came so soon after I had talked about it with Veronica and I answered truthfully that I loved her.  Tears in my eyes.  What happened next I'm ashamed of.  I was faced with an awful conundrum: either cut if off with her, all communication or he tells her husband everything and in so doing, ruin her world.  
What could I do but  sadly, desperately agree.  I even begged.  If it meant her well being and world was preserved, then I would do it.  

I didn't speak with Veronica for 7 weeks.  At which point Q passed out drunk on the floor one night and I found something ...infuriating on his phone.  I know, I snooped but wait for it.  He had downloaded a ghost program onto my phone and had been listening to all of my phone calls and reading all of my text messages for almost two months.  

I should've broke it off right then but I didn't, I actually gave him a chance.  He supposedly took it off, but who knows.  We stayed together for too long.  I was angry for too long.  I never actually got over it because I was forced and I have held that against him to this day.  

I broke up with Q last night.   

Here's to new beginnings. 

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

when one is out and the other is in by e

This is another post about the beautiful blonde that I have a crush on.  We have decided that we are involved with each other, though not to what extent.  I am being monogamous to her, but that is my personal decision.  I don't know if we are just friends-with-benefits, or if we are working our way to being a couple or what, and right now I'm okay with that...a little.  But what I'm afraid of is when/if we decide we are a couple, because she is not out, at all.

I don't know how to deal with dating someone who isn't out.  I've only dated girls who are out, who are willing to hold my hand in public and kiss me in public.  I've never dated someone who isn't willing to do those things and I don't know how to deal with that.

Has anyone who reads here been through this? How did you deal with it?

Monday, March 24, 2014

First Crush

My oldest is eight years old and last year she had her first crush.

I had for gotten that it can happen that young.

There were others that she would talk about with her friend. Exclamations such as, "Oh he is so cute." and "Everybody LOVES so-and-so." abounded. Laughing and teasing ebbed and flowed as it does with children.

But with this one, this one was different. My little girl would blush. She would blush, or be excited, or get this dreamy little look on her face.

One day she was self aware enough to ask me this question.

"Mommy, whenever I am with Abby, or when I think about her, it feels like there are all of these butterflies flying around in my tummy and on my skin. What does that mean?"

My little girl had a crush. My little girl had a crush on a girl. And for all the teasing and proclamations of crushes in the past, she had no idea that what she was feeling was the real deal.

For a split second I had a surge of questions in my head. Could this be a phase? Will she be gay? Will she be bi/pan/queer like me? What would be easier? Is it already too late for my baby to have a simple happy life? How will she figure this out? When will she figure this out?

My little girl had barely started elementary school and already I was trying label her experiences and fit them into a neat little box. Feelings and experiences that weren't even mine.

I took a deep breath and looked into my daughter's stunning blue-green eyes. Then I tried to give her what I was still looking for. Freedom. Freedom to decide for herself what things meant and how it was to experience them. I hope for her sake, she'll have the freedom to follow those butterflies wherever they lead.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Sexcapades and What Impossible Feels Like

Yay, it's Wednesday!  That means I can tell you more about Veronica. If you need a refresher, please go to How I Fell.  

And so.

My life got complicated.  Veronica became the best part of every day.  In the sweltering summer humidity and heat, we escaped to the pool daily.  I brought my two baby girls and a couple bags of Little Ceasars breadsticks and she brought her two sweet kids and her rocking body in that tiny bikini.  She would sip on a blue Monster and I would 86 a couple RedBulls.  

I can't remember what we talked about, but there was never hesitation.  Comfort was our mode of operation and  I loved hanging out with her.  I felt like I could finally be myself even though I was still trapped in the LDS community, trying to squeeze my rectangular self into the tiny round hole that is religious Mormonism. 

For weeks I watched her rub oil all over her body, her beautiful tattoos, her breasts, ass...  She loved a good tan line and God, was she tan!  The white of her natural skin peeking out from her ever tinier bikinis was so bright, shiny with tanning oil and art-like, it made me want to reach out and touch it to find out if it she was crafted from oil paint or acrylics.   

As you may have surmised, Veronica is married. Two kids, nice home, husband has a good job, girl scouts, hockey, and all the rest.  My mouth was sealed shut, never to leak what I felt in my stomach, chest, the wetness that would come.  The thoughts in my head were repressed, pushed away.  I couldn't tell anyone.  And it was painful.  

When my husband and I decided to split and I drove to Salt Lake City, I called her.  I didn't want to tell anyone in the church, I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't want anyone to tell me that God wanted me to stay.  I just wanted to see Veronica and tell her goodbye.  When I called I had the kids in the car, and all of my things were ready, I was specifically waiting for her.  But she was out visiting family in a neighboring town and wouldn't be home for a few hours.  The sadness I felt driving away without getting to see her and hug her and hear her sweet voice with the adorable accent was deep.  More deep by far than the sadness for my failed marriage, which at this point we both knew was long over.  

A year passed, and as we stayed in touch, I wanted her to visit and the trip was planned!!  Finally, a year too late, I would get to see my best friend again!  

I remember when the first hints at mutual sexual attraction began. 

Somehow talk led to thoughts on sexual experimentation and um, lesbian desires.  She sent me a photo in a text and asked "how does this make you feel?"  I remember the photo perfectly and when I was writing this, I emailed her and asked her if she remembered the first photo she ever sent me.  She did.  It was a kitchen scene, two lovely, tattooed ladies from the waist down, naked save panties, legs entwined. 

The image excited all of me in all of the ways that I had been wanting for so many, many years.  She arrived.  Her visit wasn't long, just barely three days.  I took her to the Pie Hole, RedRock, up to see the mountains, we rode the tram up to the top of Hidden Peak at Snowbird and there where we could see the whole world, I remember the feel of holding her hand for the first time.  

I also remember the night that I drank enough liquid courage that I walked up to her standing in my living room, put my hand around her perfect waist and pulled her towards me.  I kissed her for a long time and it was like spring had sprung or like a thousand doves cooing, or a million butterflies taking off all at the same moment.  It was like nothing I had ever experienced and everything that I could have imagined.  

The next part is pretty rad and I know what you're probably wondering.  Yes, I fucked her.  But it's more than that.  Years have passed and my love for her grows.  When I need to imagine a happy place, she is there with me, warm breeze, her laugh, her smile, her touch.  Together.  She is everything I could ever want.  In a partner, in a friend, in a lover, in a confidant.  

So why might I have stated in the title, what impossible feels like?  Simply because for Veronica and I, our time is not yet.  I cannot be with her.  It's tragedy and pain and agony.  Yet it makes my love for her and our bond stronger.  We grow closer over the thousands of miles between us. 

I ask each of you one question: think of the person who completes you or the person you are searching for and tell me in one word, who are they?  

For me, it's Veronica and she is Zen. Peace, calm, rest, stillness, tranquility, my center.  I love her so and one day, one glorious, delicious, deserving day, we will be together. 

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Girls by E

I like women.  A lot.  And I want a girlfriend.  This is something that I've said before, but it was really driven home for me while I was watching Grey's Anatomy today.  Yes, I watch Grey's Anatomy a lot; it's my story haha

Callie Torres and Arizona Robbins are a couple on this show and watching them interact...it makes me want a girlfriend.  I want to settle down with a woman.  I want to come home and cuddle with a female partner.

But right now my depression kind of rules my life and I need to focus on getting better.  I need to focus on learning to live a productive and happy life.  After I have that part down, I'm going to find myself a beautiful woman and I'm gonna ask her out for dinner.

Monday, March 17, 2014

Office Talk

"Sexual Harassment suits only happen in places where you have men and women working together."

Oh my God, I did not just hear that.

"See, in an office of all women I can go up and motor boat you and you wouldn't even care."

"She may even like it."


"But she wouldn't care because she knows it doesn't mean anything."

More laughing and joking about office parties and "Do you remember the time."

"See, that would never fly with a bunch of men around because you never know who is perv-ing over it."

That's it, I can't' take it anymore.

"You do realize that that's a very hetero-normative point of view, right?"

Silence for a beat.

"Um... yeah."

More silence.

"They just cause trouble anyway."


"The gays."

You're fucking kidding me.

"Thank you. I really appreciate that assessment."


Wednesday, March 12, 2014

How I Fell

I was raised like most every other mormon girl, with the continual pressure, prodding, persuading and brainwashing that i would grow up to be a stay at home mother, with a loving husband and plenty of children. 

Becuase my parents were so restrictive and afraid of everything, as far I knew, the word gay meant happy until i was in college when i would learn that peers i had had in high school had "come out" and i saw the gay kiss between Rachel and Melissa on 'Friends'  (College got weird for me, after that).  I was always taught that men loved women and women loved men and there was nothing else. Nothing else was REAL.  Anything else I would ever hear of or see would be fictitious or between two people who were just playing around like two drunk girls on spring break in Miami, and that those people were misled, or acting out or bad!, but most especially, that those people were definitely not in love.

I kissed boys in my late teens, I dated men in college.  I felt attraction, I liked big, hard, muscle bodied men.  I loved/STILL love my male friends and number them among the most loyal I've ever had.  I have an ease with males that has always been difficult with females.

I've felt drawn to women since I was 12.  I was never allowed to go to friends' sleepover parties but dreamed of being able to make what Anne Shirley of 'Anne of Green Gables' calls, a "bosom friend'!  (no pun seriously intended)  When I was younger, females made me nervous.  I was quiet and self conscious around them, always wanting to stay cool and collected, but I simply came out, instead, the quiet, sweet girl who never spoke.  

Years later at the age of 25, I had renamed myself as a friendly, outgoing woman and involved myself in lots of activities with other women. 

 I was married and living in Philadelphia with my husband of 4 years and my first baby girl.  I had a best friend.  A woman, even!  She and I had met while our husbands went to graduate school in Michigan and when they both got hired on by the same company in Philly, we were thrilled.  She even had her baby girl a month before I had mine.  

It was at this time that I had openly claimed female celebrity crushes, Scarlett Johannsen  and the incomparable Julie Andrews. (YES, I'm serious. she is one classy lady. besides, her as Mary Poppins, mee-oww!) and I was beginning to admit to myself that I truly was attracted to women, although I kept it a deep, fantastical secret that revealed itself in my dreams often. 

My friend and I became inseparable.  Gym, shopping, hanging out, movies, baby stuff, walks, parks, we even went and met one of the cast of 'Twilight' at our local Hot Topic during the 'Twilight' craze.  I loved her. And then I realized, rather terrifyingly, that I didn't have just friend love for her, but I was attracted to her.  

I dreamed sexually about her. I looked away at the gym when she changed, I looked away when she was climbing in the pool in her bikini. I looked away when she washed her gorgeous long hair in the shower afterwards... So much looking away.  So many feelings.  So much wanting. 

She divorced her husband and moved back to her parents house in California. I had my second baby and moved to a little town outside of Houston, Texas.  

That's when I fell in love.  With her.  With the girl of my dreams, and there was no awkward, scared 19 year old, fumbling over words, but a brave, confident woman, ready to be who I really was. 

The first time I saw her, she was at the community swimming pool, sitting on a pool chair in her bikini, impossibly tan, impossibly cool, impossibly sexy!  I was mesmerized and drawn as if by an invisible electric tentacle. When I saw her I thought 'I want to be her friend' and Before I knew it, i was saying, "Hi, I'm Mina."

And she replied in her impossibly adorable accent, "Hey. I'm Veronica".

And the rest... Is for next time. 

Monday, March 10, 2014

Dealing with my Bubble

I have a bubble!

It has kept me "safe" for many years. But it is under attack! By what you might ask.


I've decided I should probably have some friends.

Yep. That's it. That's all it takes to hurt my bubble.

The internet has been kind to me. It has allowed me to get to know people and find more authentic ways to express myself. It's been great! But now those relationships are moving from online to IRL... and I am so not prepared.

Let me explain.

I relate to people in a very physical way. Sexual and non sexual forms of touch are my bread and butter. This has gotten me in trouble in two major ways. I have never been able to keep a male friend for very long. Eventually one of my bros will decided he wants to date me and when that goes badly the whole group feels obligated to shun the offending temptress. (By the way guys, it really sucks when you do that.)

On the other hand, since I know I'm more attracted to females I have long since shut down physical contact with other women so that they wouldn't get "the wrong idea" and to "keep myself safe". (Yes I hear the chorus of men crying at me that I'm working backwards. I hear you, let's move on.)

However, A LOT of women are touchy with their girlfriends. Which you might say, "But you're a touchy person, why do you care?" Well here is the problem: they even like to do the sneak attack move where they give you a hug you weren't expecting. Or they move into grab something you were struggling with and they inadvertently rub their arm against yours.... Just writing about it I'm distracted! (That sneak-attack-helping-me-with-something did happen once and I couldn't talk strait for an hour.)

So I'm realizing that is my bubble. As long as I can see you coming and completely control the situation, I can continue to block out most of the people I'm attracted to. It's how I have survived my heterosexual  world. But you can't do that! The world is full of situations we cannot control which means that one of these smart, funny, beautiful women I'm trying to make friends with will probably ring that sexual urge bell... And It Terrifies ME!

So it's time to take the advice I keep telling my guy friends, over half of the world is female. If I want to stop being a lonely shut in, I need to learn to deal with the fact that I'm going to be attracted to people, because just shutting them out is wrong. For everyone.

Yes. I am a 31 year old woman with the stunted sexual maturity of a 13 year old, desperate for friends but so terrified that I may be attracted to people that I shut people out or just forget to ... make ... words... good?

So this is my pathetic little plea. For those of you who have read to this point: If someone you love is gay, bi, pan, queer, trans...whatever... encourage them to go through the awkward discovering your sexuality thing the same time as everyone else. Because it HAS to be done. By everyone. There's no point in delaying the inevitable. Particularly when delaying just adds an element of creepy to an already difficult situation.

my coming out by e

My coming out can be summed up in one Youtube video, from my favorite show, found here (please watch it or nothing I write will make a hellva lotta sense)

My whole adult life I had been with men too.  I had liked having sex with them, even enjoyed some of them.  But it wasn't until I kissed a woman, had sex with a woman, fell for a woman, that I felt alive!  That is not to say that men I had been with weren't wonderful, caring, loving men.  They just weren't for me.  The women that I have been with, they have been glasses.

I love women and want a girlfriend.  Whenever I see pictures like this it makes me want to fall in love with a beautiful blue jean femme who loves to work outside, ride horses, read, drink wine, take long bathes, go hiking and camping, has long hair... I want to fall for a beautiful woman and be in love with her and her with me for a long long time.

I am a non-straight, bi-pan-queer female who wants a girlfriend.  Maybe I'm not ready for her right now, but I want to meet her someday, when we are both ready.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Marriage. Some Thoughts I Have.

First off, this is not a post about all the marriage-y things--laws and such. It's not about equality or gay rights or any of that. It's just about how I think marriage (as equated to commitment and love) is more than making a deal with someone. Don't think, however, that I do not have more to say on the marriage equality side of things--later.

I have a friend who says she might marry her boyfriend. She's young (aren't we all), which doesn't bother me when it comes to marriage. I think that people shouldn't be worried about age or anything else really if they want to spend their life with someone.

What does concern me, though, is the idea of getting married to a check-list. This guy fits every smart, funny, cute, ambitious mark that my friend could ever ask for. He seems absolutely perfect. Makes good conversation, works hard, wants kids and all that jazz that she wants, too. But when I asked her if she loved him she hesitated. She said yes, but before she said yes, she hesitated. She paused. She had to think about it.

Addie and I have been together now for about six years. If you asked me if I love Addie I would say "Fuck YES. I am so fucking in love with her that there are not words enough to tell you about it." After six years of loving each other, eating together, doting on our dog, Bootsy Wootsy, and all the things that happen in relationships, I am so fucking in love with Addie. She is the coolest, raddest person I know. I cannot imagine being with any other person in the whole entire world. So, when I see people who want to start a family and have children and start careers and include somebody in their journey of making money and changing diapers and sometimes going on vacation together, I want to know that they love each other.

Maybe it's because I came from a family with two parents who love and adore each other even now. Two people who were not afraid to show affection at home and in public. Two people who are more than happy to be alone together again. I expect marriage/committed relationships to involve two people and two people only--the two making the commitment. This means that even if a pair of people want to have some babies together, they are not getting together/married just for that purpose. They are marrying each other because they love each other beyond expression. And that if for some reason it didn't work out for them to have children, they would still be happy living and working and being together every day.

RyBread Wisdom: Don't watch television because it will rot your brain--even if there are really good tv writers out there who come up with brilliant stories based on and threading together a myriad of fairy tales. But, also, in avoiding such things, don't forget that "happy endings" (and beginnings and middles) exist--that "true love" can be a real thing and you don't have to sacrifice that moony, I-fucking-love-you-more-than-anything sort of love for financial security or for a good-business-deal sort of relationship. What I mean is, Once Upon a Time is a pretty okay TV show. But mostly, don't settle for a check-list "perfect match" if you can't say "I am so in LOVE I can't even contain myself or my joy" because love is the real purpose of life.

Friday, March 7, 2014

Please Bite

Hi there!  I'm Mz. W.

It's not technically my day to post, but I wanted to introduce myself a little before next Wednesday when you can expect to see my first post here on LGBT Voices.

I am in love with a woman, live with my boyfriend, was married to a man with whom I have two cute as hell daughters.

I have  a penchant for mischief and I've been kicked out of more than two bars in Salt Lake City alone. (always a good time). Every Saturday I play football with my friends and my favorite color is the shade of blue that is a swimming pool on the hottest day of summer.  It's not always fun and games though, I am currently working toward finishing my MBA in Operations Management.

I love women. I like men.

I can't wait to tell you stories, and I would be happy to answer questions.  Things I want to discuss: sexuality (of course), coming out and not coming out, comparisons of man and woman, forgiveness and forgiving, self acceptance and many other things.

Talk to you on Wednesday!

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

living out by e

I've been afraid of my roommate finding out that I'm not straight, so I try not to link my blog to my Facebook, and I try not to say anything "too gay" around her.  Well today, while watching Erica Hahn and Callie Torres make out on Grey's Anatomy, and cheering at the touchdown (side note: I love that the narrator mentions "Which team are you batting for" right as they kiss hahaha), my roommate asked me, "Are you bi?" For a second I thought that I had misunderstood her, so I pointed at myself and asked, "Me?"  She nodded.

For a split second, the world stopped and I thought of 100 different outcomes.  She could take it well.  She could freak out.  She could run and hide.  She could kick me out.  She could take it well THEN freak out.  But I am SICK of living in the stupid musty closet.

So I nodded.  That's all I did, I nodded.  She smiled and said, "That's cool.  I'm not freaked out or anything.  My bestfriend, not *****, but another one, she's bi.  I think a lot of people are bi these days, like it's the cool thing to do."  I laughed and said, "Yeah, I've got a theory about that." And told her how I think that VERY few people are a solid 0 or a solid 6, that almost everyone, under the right circumstances and with the right person, could go either way.

So now I'm out of the closet. Again.  The only person I was worried about finding out has found out and hopefully everything will work out okay.  So here's to hoping! *raises flagon, then chugs*

Monday, March 3, 2014


One day my husband comes home with the children in tow, and announces to me that he just had the weirdest conversation. We had recently moved back to a small suburban neighborhood and were eager to ease our children's readjustment by involving them with old friends. My husband, J, had just come from the church where most of our neighbors congregate on Sundays, so I was eager to know how things had gone.

Apparently the odd conversation happened with a woman I'll call C. Now, every neighborhood has a group of parents that seem to be at the center of all the planning in the area. They know about every birthday, every soccer game, they are in the PTA, and they usually have a hand in every play group. My neighborhood is no exception to this rule. C is a major player in our local group.

After service she approached my husband, commented on how the children had grown, made polite conversation and then asked if my children and I would be going to the weekly play group because, "we would so like to see the kids there."

My husband politely explained that I wouldn't be doing much of that sort of thing because I was now working full time, but that he would be the one primarily taking care of the kids. Before he could ask any more about the play group, what time it was or where, she quickly lamented how it was just "too bad" and "I guess we'll just have to see the kids some other time." She didn't stick around to say much after that.

I was dumbfounded. I knew it was an overwhelmingly conservative neighborhood, but I never thought we would be dis-invited from a playgroup because we had a stay at home dad instead of a stay at home mom! It didn't take long to remember old conversations about how uncomfortable these women felt if a man was in their home if their husbands weren't present, cautionary tales of old neighbors who had had affairs because they had served on the same neighborhood board, and flippant observations that they won't speak to long to male neighbors at neighborhood parties because who wants the hassle of dealing with a jealous husband. I realized that it all came down to SEX. Men and women can't be together because , well ... Sex.

This is concerning on a number of levels. Under that umbrella of thinking, I can't be alone with the men because God forbid one of them want me. But I can't be alone with the women because God forbid I become sexually attracted to one of them!

So where does that leave me? Where dose that leave any of us who identifies as something other than a sig-gender heterosexual. Hell, where does that leave our families? This woman (as well as, I assume, the other parents since no one has broached the topic since) was more than willing to through my husband and my children under the bus for her "propriety." What would happen if they knew I wasn't the "safe" option to be alone with.

I'm the one that is more likely to find any of them attractive. I'm the one more likely to get turned on by a room full of women. I'm even the one that is most likely to sleep with one of them, given the chance. Would my children loose ALL of their friends if these people knew? Would our young family loose the few contacts that are still willing to say hi to us in the grocery store or on a walk? To be honest the list is short enough as it is.

I vented my worries and concerns to my husband. After my energy was spent I stood in my little green kitchen wondering if I was ever going to live a fully authentic life. J came up and wrapped his arms around me. After a moment he said with a smirk, "So, hypothetically, which one of our neighbors would you do if you had the chance?"

I swatted him playfully and said, "Well none of them now!"

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

my mask by e

That poem is entitled Masks. How many times we might have passed someone else with blue skin, but because we were too ashamed, or scared of rejection, we didn't know it.  How many connections, loves, affairs, relationships have been missed because we wore our mask.  How many times have good things passed me by because I was too scared to let my true self show.

I can understand the desire to live with the mask firmly in place.  It is easier to accept rejection if I can say, "They don't really know me, they only see the me I want them to."  But I can also understand the desire to live with the mask in the garbage can, thrown away so that the true me shines through.

My mask is that of a straight girl, who studies a lot, and reads a little for fun.  My mask likes to work out, and smoke and drink.  My mask doesn't know too much about music or movies or authors or composers.  My mask tries to blend in.

The girl behind my mask love to look at men and women.  The real me loves to read for fun and to listen to Gershwin and Vivaldi while blogging.  The real me is head over heels for a man named Isaac and want to date a woman named Macy.  The real me doesn't want kids, only horses and cats. Maybe a dog or two.  The real me wants a nose ring, a tattoo behind her ear, tattoos on both wrists and tattoos down both legs.  The real me hates small talk and wanted to be told everything straight, just like it is, no sugar coating.

But what about making people feel uncomfortable? Sometime, the true me- the bi-pan-queer, horse loving, Whedon'ite- overwhelms and frightens people; especially the bi-pan-queer part.  So how do I live: with the mask off or the mask on?  Or should I buy an opera mask and only show part of my face?

Monday, February 24, 2014

A Sexuality That Goes Unseen

"I get up, make breakfast, eat, and send my kids to school. I go to work, I come home and start making dinner. After dinner is done and the kids are in bed I might get to sit down with my spouse and watch some TV. Then we go to bed and the whole thing starts the next day. This is my Gay Lifestyle."

I can't remember anymore where this quote came from, who said it or where I read it for the first time. After all this time, I doubt that the words are an exact copy of the original. I have pulled them from my mind so many times that had they been a letter they would be crumpled, stained, and unreadable now.
This thought catches on my mind because it is both perfectly right and astoundingly wrong. While it's true that my lifestyle looks exactly like this picture, my life is profoundly more nuanced than the picture implies.

I am a pansexual woman who has never been in a relationship that wasn't sig-gendered, heterosexual normative. Most would wonder if that qualifies me to claim to be queer at all. And yet there is no doubt in my mind of what I am. It's there in the commercials I like, the books that I read, and the jokes I don't laugh at. It's in the way I raise my children, and the causes I fight for. It's in the walls I have built around myself, and the friends I rarely talk to; it's in the times the touch of my husband thrills me, and in the times when it doesn't.

Loyal, fickle, sex-crazed, lonely, unable to decide, determined, torn, ambivalent, mercurial, steadfast, warm, antisocial, needy, independent, the list goes on and on. I have been all of these things, and everyone of them has been affected by my sexuality. You may not see it when you look at me, but I am not fully me without it.

Now if we're talking about sexual experience... that's where things get complicated.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Life is a Journey

Sometimes I feel like I forget about this concept of how life is RIGHT NOW. 
I get anxious and totally excited for my life in the future. For my amazing self-owned business where I teach people how to love themselves and eat the best damn food the earth can offer. I forget the beautiful things around me right now. Like the blind man who rides the trax and gets off at my stop every morning and how without fail someone is there to help him. I've seen him around and I'm pretty sure that he knows exactly where he is going--people without certain active senses tend to wind up with really enhanced senses otherwise, and he knows his way around--but that doesn't detract from the amazing concept of humanity. How we see someone who we think needs our help and we just help them, no questions asked. 

Utah is especially dreary in the winter--though it has been very lovely recently!--and I have a hard time of it. The pollution has really gotten to me this winter. It is bad every year, but this year just seemed like the WORST. I'm ready to move away from here. 

And there I am back at my point. I am waiting waiting waiting for the day when Utah will allow gay marriage and equal rights. The day when I can get out of Utah and explore something else. The day when I am successful and happy and relaxed and awesome. 

But when I think about it, despite the few things I can't change, the present moment is pretty fucking rad. I am successful in a lot of areas--my goddam beautiful relationship for one. I'm a pretty good dog lover; I mean I can throw a ball like no other and slobber doesn't bother me one bit. And, while I'm always thinking that later I will be happier and awesomer, right now I am pretty fucking happy and relaxed and awesome. 

So, here's to being grateful for my right now moments. For the good that I'm doing now. I'm grateful for my relationship--for the prettiest damn girl in the world. And I'm grateful for chewed up tennis balls and Mr. Bootsy Wootsy. I'm grateful for trax rides and bling guys and smiles from strangers. I'm grateful that I don't live in a cardboard box or wrapped in plastic grocery bags. 

RyBread Wisdom: If you appreciate someone, then tell them that you appreciate them. Not saying the good things makes you look like a complete asshole, and mostly, if you don't know how to say the things that matter--like that you appreciate someone--you end up becoming an asshole in the long run. Be brave. Tell someone thank you. 

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

both ways by E

I was back in Small Town, Utah, for the weekend and just happened to get to spend Valentine's with a man I have been crushing on quite intensely. I stumbled, love drunk, through the door of my parent's house and excitedly told my momma that finally, after five months of chasing this fellow, I spent the night in bed with him.  Her response was quite unexpected: "You really can go both ways, can't you?"  And that got me thinking.

Yes, I think I can go both ways, though I definitely have preferences.  When it comes to being in relationships I would rather be with a woman.  Something about cuddling with a woman and baring my soul to her...the idea of a girlfriend, of a wife, makes me very happy.  But right now, I am lusting after a man.  Just one man.  Well...maybe two, but the second is Tom Hiddleston and I don't have a shot in hell with a movie star!

What does it mean to be able to go both ways? Is there such a thing as a perfect split or is there always going to be a preference of one over the other?  These are things I wonder as I lay in the dark, watching the firelight from my candle dance around the ceiling.

My research has led me to believe that sexuality is fluid, to a point.  Especially for bi-pan-queer.  I just don't know my extremes yet, what I fluctuate between. And that is a point of interest for me.  I'll figure it out some day.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Love is Love on Valentine's Day

Okay, it's the big day--yes, I mean the day after Valentine's day. This is really the best day to celebrate the special day because you can get all the chocolate and flowers and heart-shaped pillows for like 50% off. Maybe I'm a cheapskate, but I like to think that I just know how to work the system. ;) I know some people who celebrate Christmas after the actual Christmas day because they do all their shopping when all the things go on sale after the actual holiday--they are smart!

I used to sort of hate Valentine's Day. Not because I'm against love or anything, but because I can't stand the commercialization of everything and because it always seems to be some big deal  on all the social media spheres (not that I belong to those anymore, but still). Maybe I just hate pink. Why do we have to celebrate love with all  these stupid chalk hearts and pink wrapping and pink everything?

But, all the commercialism and marketing and sugar consumption aside, I actually secretly love this holiday (and most holidays) simply because of the way it brings so many people together. Think about it, across the entire nation people spent the day with someone they loved. They took the time to buy some flowers or make a card or write a poem or do something special for someone. This holiday especially is one that I love because it is literally the national celebration of Love day.

Inevitably there are those people who grieve over their lack of a lover. Single's Awareness Day is a popular name for February 14th, but even singles can enjoy sending or receiving valentines from people. A simple text from a friend saying "I love you" is still powerful and adds energy to this epic love day. Imagine if everyone put as much effort into their love lives every day as they do on V-day. Do you think there would be less hate in the world? Do you think people would have the time to even think about a horrible comment they could make about someone else?

I think that love is a beautiful thing and if we let ourselves feel it more everyday the world will only get better and better.

RyBread Wisdom: Don't overlook the overly-priced, sometimes seemingly overly-exaggerated things of this world. Sometimes they are merely the simplicities of this world. Buy a box of chocolates and some flowers and a teddy bear for your secret love. Perhaps, it's cliche, but sometimes that's exactly what we need--the classic, simple, fairly-tale sort of affection.


Tuesday, February 11, 2014

"She's as straight as they come" by E

A one-act, true story starring me (Liz), my female roommate (B), and my roommate's boyfriend (R)

R: Who else is there?
B: Liz, my roommate.
R: Lizzie the Lezzie?
B: god no! Trust me, she's as straight as they come!
Me: *snort* *cough* bwahahaha

Saturday, February 8, 2014

I'm Back!

Hello to all the weird blog-readers out there.
I've written for this blog before and had to stop because of, well, life. But, I decided to take another stab at the blog, so here I am.

You can check out my old bio and everything if you'd like (my most popular post from before was the 30 minute Orgasm--it generated quite a bit of energy and debate).

I like to say things just how they are. I'm not afraid to be wrong, and let's face it, I'm wrong a lot of the time. But that won't keep me from speaking up and being honest.

If at any time my posts are offensive to you, let me know. I'm always open to learning new things, understanding people, and trying to see things differently.

I'm happy to be back, and I hope you enjoy my experiences, thoughts, rants and raves.

RyBread Wisdom: When you are waiting outside the bathroom and a lady walks out giving you an "I'm sorry and also so very ashamed" look, then quickly turns her eyes to the floor and you get a whiff of something horrible, DO NOT ENTER THAT BATHROOM--especially if it's just one of those bathrooms that's single (you know: toilet, sink, door). It's in your best interest to just walk away. Find another gas station. Or, in some instances, use the men's bathroom.


Tuesday, February 4, 2014

perception by E

I am a cisgender female, which means that I am a female by sex and I identify as a female.  In short, I'm a girl.  I prefer female pronouns, like her and she, and I like to look like a girl. But I don't have a very elaborate or fancy wardrobe.  I am also not a girly-girl.  I'm allergic to make-up and hair styling products and even if I wasn't, I think there are better things to do with my time, like read.  But lately I have been afraid that I have been coming across as boy'ish, or dykie.

I wear boots and jeans and old thrift store sweaters.  My hair is almost always in a braid or ponytail, and stuffed under a hat of some kind.  I was told the other day that I come off as the dominant one in a relationship.

I don't want to be the dominant one, I want there to be a trade off between me and my girl, or boy.  I don't want to come off as a dyke... I want to be seen as femme, maybe blue jean femme at the least.  But how do I do that?  Should I invest in better clothes?  Should I find make-up that I am not allergic to?

But what about my already stretched budget?

Money sucks.  And so does figuring yourself out...that sucks too :(

Oh well! What can I do to figure out how to make my outsides look the way my insides feel?

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

how far we've come by E

At my new school, I joined the equivalent of the gay/straight alliance. At a recent meeting we were challenged to get in touch with our roots and read books about the history of the Gay Rights Movement.  Being a poor college student, but intrigued, I downloaded a bunch of samples from books like Making Gay History and A Queer History of the United States.

I really enjoyed these samples and both of the books I've named are now on my "Book to Purchase When I Have Money" list.  And even though these samples were only 10% of the book, they did offer me one really good insight: we have come a long way.

Lately my home-state of Utah has been battling against recognizing same sex marriage and it has been incredibly disheartening.  Moving to Wyoming has put me back in the closet as it were, because I am now faced with the "do I, don't I," question of coming out to my roommate and the new people that I meet.  Hearing anti-gay sentiment from people that I meet, reading about it in the newspaper... it makes me wonder if this is a battle worth fighting, if this is the mountain I want to die on.  I ask myself, "Will being homosexual ever be okay with the majority of people? Will my relationship with a woman ever be federally recognized, and state-transferable?"  I bitch and I moan about how much farther we have to go.  But then I read those samples.

Did you know that in the '50's, if you were even SUSPECTED of being gay, you couldn't get a teaching license in the state of California? Or that sending anything that mentioned anything remotely homosexual, like relationship advice, through the mail was a federal offense?  That men would go to lesbian bars, sexually assault the women and when accused would say "But they are gay, you can't rape a gay woman"?  That you could go to an asylum if it was confirmed that you were gay?  Being gay was considered a treatable, mental illness until the '70's.  Now that is disheartening.

Comparing these things- where we are now and where we were 60 years ago- we are in the last few miles of an ultramarathon that has been hundreds of miles long.

In therapy, one of the things I have been told a lot is that reframing is a good thing.  That is, rather than looking at the situation and thinking, "but look at all that is left to do", look at a situation and think, "look at all I have done".  We may have a ways left to go, but look how far we've come.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

dichotomy and why it sucks by E

When someone walks on both sides of the road, like I do, you have the capacity to be attracted to both men and women.  For this reason, though it may not be possible to choose to fall in love with someone of the same sex, it is possible to choose, however hard, to be in a homosexual relationship.  And lots of people see this as CHOOSING to be gay.  But I am not gay, I'm pansexual. Being in a relationship with a woman doesn't make me a gay anymore than dating a man makes me straight.

People like me, the bi-pan-queer crowd, tend to get pounded by both Kinsey 6's and 0's, being told to "just pick a side".  It was pointed out to me that my existence as someone who is attracted to both "debunks" the theory that people are born gay, that people can't choose.  Because if someone can be attracted to both, then they should just choose to conform to society and be "straight".

So the question right now is: do I attempt to shirk my attraction to women and be "straight" or do I shirk my attraction to men and be "gay"?  Or do I find other bi-pan-queer people and rock my duality?