Thursday, April 24, 2014

Once Upon A Time On Taco Tuesday

In Salt Lake City, there is one day a week that is unlike any other.  A day that holds enormous possibilities for romance and flirting.  This day is Tuesday.  Because you can get tacos for a dollar. 

On Tuesday, I had a date.  I think. 

I had asked her if she wanted to get a drink and a taco and she said yes.  There was no one else there and I was pretty nervous.  It wasn't like two friends getting together, it was like... a date.  We were both so nervous.  I put into my mind that I was just meeting a new friend and there was nothing else.

But her glasses sat so perfectly on her nose and her shoes were the sweetest of girly sweet.  And her breasts looked amazing in her summer dress.  

As the evening went on, she bought me a drink and once, upon giving her a high five, our fingers intertwined.  Neither of us let go immediately.  

Then she started to smile at me and not look away.  I would blush, and sip on my long island.  Our knees got closer, we swiveled in our bar stools until we were no longer facing the bar, but each other.  

She recommended a horror film.  I told her I was too scared, she said she'd watch it with me. 

When I had to get up to leave, I said, "I'd really like to see you again...." not knowing how to finish the line.  She didn't miss a beat and said "I'd like that."  

I can't wait.  

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

homophobia's destructive power by e

I asked my daddy if he thought that I should be able to marry a woman some day. He avoided the question and told me that nothing could change how much he loved me; that parents love their children no matter if they do something the parents disagree with.  He then told me the story of how his friend, a man who loved his son dearly, had to turn the son into the cops because the son was molesting children.  "And I will love you no matter what you do," my father concluded.  Now maybe I'm being too sensitive, but I think that he compared me marrying a woman to molesting children...

One of my best friends is dating the woman of her dreams but their relationship is under fire from the girlfriend's fundamentalist Christian, homophobic family.  Because of this (and a few other things) the girlfriend is feel TONS and TONS of guilt and their relationship is on the rocks.

I'm involved with a girl.  A beautiful and intelligent girl who is in the closet.  And being with her is kind of hard because of it.  I have to accept her where she is at, I can't force to come out, that would be the worst thing I could do to her.  But I hate that I can't reach across the dinner table at her families house and hold her hand.  We have to sneak outside separately when we want to give each other a good night kiss.

I'm jealous that I can't hold this girl's hand any time I want. I'm jealous of couples that can show their affection publicly.  I want that.  I want to be able to show my affection for this girl any time I want to.  I want to hold her hand, kiss her on the cheek, and give her a hug in front of her family without them freaking out.  Why does homosexual affection freak the fuck out of some people?

Monday, April 21, 2014

How Was It?

"So, what was it like?"

"It was great! She introduced me to some wine at her place. We talked all through dinner. She insisted on picking up the check. We awkwardly flirted as we waited for the taxi. Once we got back to her place we got in the hot tub. I think we just chatted and flirted for over an hour before someone was brave enough to make the first move."

"Yeah, but what was IT like?"

What could I say? That I had rarely found myself so eager to drown in someone else's skin? That holding and touching her most intimate parts was like breathing again, or for the first time? That despite the fact that my unbridled desire to devour her made me sloppy and greedy, it seemed like every touch was perfect. Every scratch, every kiss brought a delicious moan to her lips that fueled every following action, until the night sky melted away and there was only this burning, driving force.

I loved her breasts and her thighs and her ass. I loved the little scars on her skin. I loved the way she giggled and reached for a smoke. And I loved watching her curl onto her side as she started to cum. I loved holding her, just holding her, as she fell asleep.

"It was like one of my best fantasies. Only, I didn't know it could be real."

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

i should have known by e

I should have known that I was gayer than the average heterosexual when I saw pictures of girl/girl couples and was jealous.

I should have known that I was gayer than the average heterosexual when I met girl/girl couples and wished I was gay so I could have a girlfriend too.

I should have known that I was gayer than the average heterosexual when I started fantasizing about what a female coworker's fingers could do to me.

I should have known that I was gayer than the average heterosexual when, as my wedding day approached, I started to wish, desperately, that I had kissed a girl so I could know what it was like before I signed my life over to a heterosexual relationship.

I should have known that I was gayer than the average heterosexual.  But I didn't.  I kept pushing these thought back and saying, "If only I was gay then I could do these things I want to."  I don't know why I didn't stop and go, "E, you are having these thoughts and feelings because you like women; stop wishing you did because you do!"

How many years did I waste, relationships I could have had, relationships I could have avoided, because I wasn't willing to be out to myself?  Why did it take me so long before I finally came out to myself? I certainly don't know!  But I do know that I'm now living as a bi/pan, not straight female and am happy.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Bi. Sexuality.

Erin's Post about Biphobia and Bisexuality was super interesting and maybe it's because I live in my own world where it simply is normal and real to be able to fall in love with either men or women, but I didn't realize that "we" truly are labeled as either gay or straight.

I'm here to talk more about this and am stating, as I have told my sisters and friends: I am bisexual.

While reading Erin's post, I felt my heart fail at times when I realized that it's true, when I tell men that I am bisexual, they assume that I simply have lesbian tendencies.  When I tell my girlfriends that I like women or that I fell in love with a woman i get "so are you going to go be a lesbian with her?" When I tell women that I'm bisexual, they assume I just like to sleep with anyone I can.

I hate that.

I am often attracted to many men and many women, but I have fallen in love with five men.  I've fallen in love with two women.  And the thing is: I truly LOVE them.  That love with each of them has waxed strong at times, and fallen to the gutters at times.  Sometimes it was too short, but has left me with so many beautiful memories and at the moments we loved one another, it was an essential part of living.  I needed those people at the times I had their love.  Most of them I am still close with, but a few are gone forever leaving twinges of heartache and some sadness and feelings of 'what if'.

There's this girl... She's got the prettiest dimples and this crazy wavy hair.  We've gotten really close.  I like her a lot.  When she drinks too much, I take her home and tuck her into bed.  She's beautiful and sweet, she cares about people and has dreams for herself.  Her mother is an alcoholic and abuses prescription drugs, she wasn't cared for as an adolescent.  She loathes her upbringing and loves good parenting.  She's getting a degree and wants to be amazing.  I say she IS amazing.

There's this guy at work.  He's in a different department than I am, but he passes through my area every morning and we have built a sort of flirtatious bond.  He has two boys 8 and 9 years old, and I imagine him to be the very best of the very sweetest dads.  The monday after my birthday, he stopped and said "M! How was your birthday?!", and listened attentively to my regaling.  I have the biggest crush on him and my co-workers tease me after he leaves. My face flushes and they laugh.

These are real feelings.

When I was in a relationship with Q, after I had to stop my correspondence with Veronica, I felt like I was in a relationship where my sexuality meant that I was a cheater who was always looking at women.  I felt like I couldn't be me, because I couldn't be open about the fact that YES, I am very attracted to women.  To him, that meant that I only wanted to be with women.  I feel like if my bisexuality had been treated with respect, our bond could have evolved into something wonderful and we could have become closer than ever.  But I felt trapped, I felt like I was living a lie when I was more nervous to tell Q that I was hanging out with my girlfriends than my guy friends for the sole reason that he would think I was screwing around.  Where my bisexuality was concerned, because I did love him, it was lustful, rather than the true love feelings that I am capable of feeling for any gender or gender association.

People are people and I am capable of loving anyone.  I think all people should feel free to feel the same.  Love who you love, because life is short and (in my A-theist opinion) you only live it once.  Make the most of your relationships, enjoy your crushes, blossom in the feelings you feel for other human beings.  These are not moments to waste, but to cherish and bask in.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

biphobia, bierasure and the crusade to make me straight or gay by e

I saw a new therapist this week.  He seems like a cool dude; he said "fuck" within 15 minutes of meeting me and sat cross-legged in his office chair.  When I told him that my fiance and I broke up because I liked girls his first response was: "So lesbian?"  I said, "Well, not straight."  He then proceeded to tell me that  he would use "gay" or "lesbian" and just follow myself identification.  It didn't hit me then but has since: bisexual didn't seem to cross his mind.  Bisexual doesn't seem to cross many people's minds as a legitimate form of sexuality.  Maybe because when a bi/pan/queer person couples, they are automatically identified as straight- if they are in a heterosexual relationship- or gay- if they are in a homosexual relationship.  Someone who is bi/pan/queer has to come out as bi, even if they are coupled, lest the aforementioned occur.  The following that are thoughts and ideas that I have heard from people about what THEY think it means to be bisexual or pansexual or anything other than gay or straight. The links go to articles that I have recently read about bisexuality in the media, and my favorite lines from those articles.  I hope you become educated.

 Inaccurate, yet totally believed ideas about what is means to be bi/pan:
  • you're indecisive
  • you aren't capable of monogamy
  • you're lying because: A) you must lean, however slightly, one way or the other; or B) you are just trying to be cool by saying you're a member of a minority population
  • if you date opposite sex, you're automatically straight and if you date same sex, you're automatically gay, there is no room for what YOU know you are
  • you are just confused about what you want from a relationship
  • you can be in a hetero relationship and therefore escape the discrimination, ergo you aren't truly a member of the LBGT community and shouldn't benefit from going to Pride, PFLAG or an LBGT Center
  • you're a "sexual tourist"; just sleeping around, having fun, but will settle with into a straight relationship, therefore you aren't worth the time as a serious dating prospect
  • bisexuality isn't real
10 Bisexual Celebrities that Everyone Keeps Labeling as Gay or Straight
" glaring issue in our culture is bi erasure. All too often, people who call themselves bisexual get hammered into ill-fitting cubbies labeled “straight” and “gay”"
Why Bisexuals Stay in the Closet
"....experts say there is still little known about bisexuals because studies often group them with gay men and lesbians." 
The Scientific Quest to Prove Bisexuality Exists
"Most bisexuals are in convenient opposite-sex relationships and aren’t open about their sexual orientation. Why would you be open, when there is so much biphobia?"
"When Lawrence said that he was bisexual, the man looked at him with a pained face and muttered: “Oh, I wish you’d told me that before. I thought this was a real date.”"
"But in the eyes of many Americans, bisexuality — despite occasional and exaggerated media reports of its chicness — remains a bewildering and potentially invented orientation favored by men in denial about their homosexuality and by women who will inevitably settle down with men."
“They said that bisexuals couldn’t be trusted, that they would inevitably leave you for a man. Had I come out as lesbian, I could have been welcomed with open arms, taken to parties, invited to join the softball team." 
"[Indiana University Researcher Brian Dodge] found that compared with their exclusively homosexual and heterosexual counterparts, bisexuals have reported higher rates of depression, anxiety, substance use, victimization by violence, suicidal ideation and sexual-health concerns." 
Is Bisexual Identity a Useful Fiction?
"Start with the stereotypes: Bi men are often perceived to be gay men with forays into heterosexuality—yet bi women are frequently painted as straight women with forays into homosexuality."
 " matter how close bi people move toward a Kinsey 3, society will never allow them to completely shake their purported starting point."
 "....bisexuality, as an identity, is little more than a useful fiction. Don’t believe it. The problem lies not in bisexuality itself, but in the modern bisexual movement, which has failed to articulate a coherent platform beyond its initial goals of recognition."
 Bisexuality: What NYT and Slate Got Wrong
"This is a perfect example of why matters of great significance to bisexuals continue to be covered up and erased -- greater society and the media that represents it continue to emphasize the sexual aspects of bisexuality instead of the difficult, often tragic problems that come with being bisexual, as well as the advancement of the community as a whole."

My momma calls me lucky because I "have the ability to fall in love with anyone."

Monday, April 7, 2014

New Secrets

"I'm sorry!" I burst out, "But there are just too many sports related innuendos!"

I say this as my six year old son is running around his grandmothers kitchen with the new baseball set she got him. My mother rolls her eyes and sighs.

"You know, just because you won't have the kids for two days doesn't mean you can't control yourself. You'll have plenty of time with your husband later."

But she's wrong. I won't have time with my husband. Between both our jobs and his school, we would barely sleep next to each other. So I have a date.

I feel the blush creep up my face as I think of her shoulder length hair, shy eyes, and her soft porcelain skin. I think about showing up at her house, about having dinner, about retiring to her hot tub. Images of beautifully wet female skin start racing through my head.

My sister nudges my shoulder. I'm a kid again, caught in my naughty little thoughts as I sit in my mother's kitchen.

My sister smiles and says, "Yeah, we know what you're thinking about."

You don't. You really, really don't.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Sex and Love

For a couple years I went on a sexual journey to try to figure out why I couldn't have an orgasm.  True.  Stay with me.

I have trouble connecting with men on a sexual level.

I tried all kinds.  Bigger penis, thicker penis, circumcised, uncircumcised, all shapes, all sizes, I even went black.  But for all my experimentation, I couldn't have an orgasm.  That can get frustrating for men.  But I knew it wasn't them, it wasn't something they were or weren't doing.  It was me.  I felt attracted to them, but I didn't feel desire for them. I never had a real connection with them.

I love big men.  I love beards and mountain man type builds.  I even have a thing for bald heads with beards.  The bigger the better in my opinion.  I had sex with a guy once who felt smaller than I was ( I was a double zero at the time) and lets just say it didn't work out between us.

For me, I need there to be a crazy chemical reaction.  The kind of reaction where you feel raw, burning desire so strongly that the sexual intimacy flows lava like from both parties.

It wasn't until I was with a woman that I found this.

Is it because it's less known area for me? Probably.  Is it because I'm inexperienced with women?  Definitely.  Is it because I have an attraction for women that I've only accepted for a few years of my 31 years?  Absolutely.

I'm happy to say that since I was able to discover my true sexuality, I can now connect with men on a sexual level.  I'm not on the intimate level yet, and FAR from the love level, and that's ok with me.  I realize that my journey isn't through and it will be a lifelong road for me.  I need some recovery, I need some healing, I need some self love.

My hope is that through these things, I will come to find the level of love and intimacy that everyone dreams of and too few are lucky enough to reach.  But then again, I don't believe it has anything to do with luck.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

life goals by e

Lately I have been talking a lot about wanting a girlfriend and dating, mostly because they are the things on my mind.  But it has occurred to me that this blog, for me anyway, is about introducing people to the fact that the "gay agenda" is the same as the "straight agenda"- to live a happy, fulfilling life.  For this reason, I have decided to dedicate today's post to life goals of mine.

Learn to snowboard
Be a member of the Mounted Posse
Get a Master's degree
Have a career that allows me to positively influence the lives of others
Become fluent in ASL
Become proficient in Krav Maga
Attend the Kentucky Derby (yep, the horse race)
Be one half of a functioning, self-sufficient relationship
Own- 100%, no questions asked- my home and land

My life goals are no different than any straight persons, except that I want to marry a woman, not a man.

Monday, March 31, 2014

Starting Now

I'm sitting here with my drink and my head is spinning. Not my drink, the drink she bought for me. The drink she got the moment mine was empty, popping out of her seat like a daisy and coming back twice a shy.

Her husband and my husband keep chatting. I think they're onto cars now. She looks at me with those Doe eyes framed by her blunt bangs and I feel myself melting.

We keep stumbling over our words. The band is loud and so we have to get closer to even hear each other. Why is the curve of her neck intoxicating?

I feel her hand on my knee and my skin starts to burn. I want to keep her hand there so I brush it with my fingers. Our hands intertwine as she starts stroking my knee with her other hand. But she looks down. Still so shy. A beautiful blush starting to creep across her cheeks.

I look across the table and see my husband looking at me. He smiles his genuine smile and I am amazed. He is happy. Not just turned on or lustful, but happy. He is happy that I am happy. And in this moment I think my heart will burst.

My gratitude and my love for my husband crashes against me. At the same moment longing for the shy beauty etches itself onto my skin with every touch of her fingertips, making the air tingle and my head whirl.

But it's getting late. Everyone has to go home. She types her number into my phone before linking arms with her husband and slipping through the door. I sit in my car, not sure if I'm more intoxicated by the whisky or her touch, and I wonder what just happened.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

What Cums Next

I live with my boyfriend.  I hate it. Not to say I hate him exactly, but I feel like... a prisoner. 
When we began dating, he knew I was attracted to females and that I considered myself bisexual and he knew that I had been with Veronica and that she was my very best friend.  I felt like I was being progressive and doing the right thing by being upfront about my sexuality and about my desire to explore my attraction to women.  Mister Q, as I will call him, expressed the "oh that's so hot" and "I'm totally ok with it" and the "I'd love to experiment with that as well" cliches that many men exhume when discussing two females being together in a sexual or intimate way. 

As it turns out, men are big fat liars in that respect.  (sorry for the generalization)
While it's true that they MAY find the idea of that incredibly tantalizing, they do not, in fact, actually want it to ever EVER ever happen.  

My boyfriend and I split up for a period of about 2 months, during which time, I met a couple who was looking for a female companion of sorts for the wife. Thinking I'd never see Q again, I enjoyed my time with the couple enormously!  They were fun, yet intelligent and strange, yet normal.  I truly cherished our friendship more than the time I had with them sexually. They knew that Q was trying to win me back and that I was sick of his garbage and his controlling ways and the way he hid everything from me. 

When we got back together, I told him about my sexcapades with the couple and he was, for lack of better phrasing, Pissed.  Infuriated, he told me he would do terrible things to them if he were to ever see them or meet them or run in to them.  

I was afraid for my friends.  Terrified for them!  So as casually as I could, I broke things off with them, including all conversation and social networking.  Which hurt. Because I cared for them and they meant much to me. 

I stayed in contact with Veronica as normally as I thought safe.  He knew, after all, that she was my best friend and that I cared for her.  One day, after several weeks of being together again he asked me one question that Veronica had asked me just several days earlier.  The question was "If Q asked you how you felt about me, what would you tell him?"  I was startled that the question came so soon after I had talked about it with Veronica and I answered truthfully that I loved her.  Tears in my eyes.  What happened next I'm ashamed of.  I was faced with an awful conundrum: either cut if off with her, all communication or he tells her husband everything and in so doing, ruin her world.  
What could I do but  sadly, desperately agree.  I even begged.  If it meant her well being and world was preserved, then I would do it.  

I didn't speak with Veronica for 7 weeks.  At which point Q passed out drunk on the floor one night and I found something ...infuriating on his phone.  I know, I snooped but wait for it.  He had downloaded a ghost program onto my phone and had been listening to all of my phone calls and reading all of my text messages for almost two months.  

I should've broke it off right then but I didn't, I actually gave him a chance.  He supposedly took it off, but who knows.  We stayed together for too long.  I was angry for too long.  I never actually got over it because I was forced and I have held that against him to this day.  

I broke up with Q last night.   

Here's to new beginnings. 

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

when one is out and the other is in by e

This is another post about the beautiful blonde that I have a crush on.  We have decided that we are involved with each other, though not to what extent.  I am being monogamous to her, but that is my personal decision.  I don't know if we are just friends-with-benefits, or if we are working our way to being a couple or what, and right now I'm okay with that...a little.  But what I'm afraid of is when/if we decide we are a couple, because she is not out, at all.

I don't know how to deal with dating someone who isn't out.  I've only dated girls who are out, who are willing to hold my hand in public and kiss me in public.  I've never dated someone who isn't willing to do those things and I don't know how to deal with that.

Has anyone who reads here been through this? How did you deal with it?

Monday, March 24, 2014

First Crush

My oldest is eight years old and last year she had her first crush.

I had for gotten that it can happen that young.

There were others that she would talk about with her friend. Exclamations such as, "Oh he is so cute." and "Everybody LOVES so-and-so." abounded. Laughing and teasing ebbed and flowed as it does with children.

But with this one, this one was different. My little girl would blush. She would blush, or be excited, or get this dreamy little look on her face.

One day she was self aware enough to ask me this question.

"Mommy, whenever I am with Abby, or when I think about her, it feels like there are all of these butterflies flying around in my tummy and on my skin. What does that mean?"

My little girl had a crush. My little girl had a crush on a girl. And for all the teasing and proclamations of crushes in the past, she had no idea that what she was feeling was the real deal.

For a split second I had a surge of questions in my head. Could this be a phase? Will she be gay? Will she be bi/pan/queer like me? What would be easier? Is it already too late for my baby to have a simple happy life? How will she figure this out? When will she figure this out?

My little girl had barely started elementary school and already I was trying label her experiences and fit them into a neat little box. Feelings and experiences that weren't even mine.

I took a deep breath and looked into my daughter's stunning blue-green eyes. Then I tried to give her what I was still looking for. Freedom. Freedom to decide for herself what things meant and how it was to experience them. I hope for her sake, she'll have the freedom to follow those butterflies wherever they lead.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Sexcapades and What Impossible Feels Like

Yay, it's Wednesday!  That means I can tell you more about Veronica. If you need a refresher, please go to How I Fell.  

And so.

My life got complicated.  Veronica became the best part of every day.  In the sweltering summer humidity and heat, we escaped to the pool daily.  I brought my two baby girls and a couple bags of Little Ceasars breadsticks and she brought her two sweet kids and her rocking body in that tiny bikini.  She would sip on a blue Monster and I would 86 a couple RedBulls.  

I can't remember what we talked about, but there was never hesitation.  Comfort was our mode of operation and  I loved hanging out with her.  I felt like I could finally be myself even though I was still trapped in the LDS community, trying to squeeze my rectangular self into the tiny round hole that is religious Mormonism. 

For weeks I watched her rub oil all over her body, her beautiful tattoos, her breasts, ass...  She loved a good tan line and God, was she tan!  The white of her natural skin peeking out from her ever tinier bikinis was so bright, shiny with tanning oil and art-like, it made me want to reach out and touch it to find out if it she was crafted from oil paint or acrylics.   

As you may have surmised, Veronica is married. Two kids, nice home, husband has a good job, girl scouts, hockey, and all the rest.  My mouth was sealed shut, never to leak what I felt in my stomach, chest, the wetness that would come.  The thoughts in my head were repressed, pushed away.  I couldn't tell anyone.  And it was painful.  

When my husband and I decided to split and I drove to Salt Lake City, I called her.  I didn't want to tell anyone in the church, I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't want anyone to tell me that God wanted me to stay.  I just wanted to see Veronica and tell her goodbye.  When I called I had the kids in the car, and all of my things were ready, I was specifically waiting for her.  But she was out visiting family in a neighboring town and wouldn't be home for a few hours.  The sadness I felt driving away without getting to see her and hug her and hear her sweet voice with the adorable accent was deep.  More deep by far than the sadness for my failed marriage, which at this point we both knew was long over.  

A year passed, and as we stayed in touch, I wanted her to visit and the trip was planned!!  Finally, a year too late, I would get to see my best friend again!  

I remember when the first hints at mutual sexual attraction began. 

Somehow talk led to thoughts on sexual experimentation and um, lesbian desires.  She sent me a photo in a text and asked "how does this make you feel?"  I remember the photo perfectly and when I was writing this, I emailed her and asked her if she remembered the first photo she ever sent me.  She did.  It was a kitchen scene, two lovely, tattooed ladies from the waist down, naked save panties, legs entwined. 

The image excited all of me in all of the ways that I had been wanting for so many, many years.  She arrived.  Her visit wasn't long, just barely three days.  I took her to the Pie Hole, RedRock, up to see the mountains, we rode the tram up to the top of Hidden Peak at Snowbird and there where we could see the whole world, I remember the feel of holding her hand for the first time.  

I also remember the night that I drank enough liquid courage that I walked up to her standing in my living room, put my hand around her perfect waist and pulled her towards me.  I kissed her for a long time and it was like spring had sprung or like a thousand doves cooing, or a million butterflies taking off all at the same moment.  It was like nothing I had ever experienced and everything that I could have imagined.  

The next part is pretty rad and I know what you're probably wondering.  Yes, I fucked her.  But it's more than that.  Years have passed and my love for her grows.  When I need to imagine a happy place, she is there with me, warm breeze, her laugh, her smile, her touch.  Together.  She is everything I could ever want.  In a partner, in a friend, in a lover, in a confidant.  

So why might I have stated in the title, what impossible feels like?  Simply because for Veronica and I, our time is not yet.  I cannot be with her.  It's tragedy and pain and agony.  Yet it makes my love for her and our bond stronger.  We grow closer over the thousands of miles between us. 

I ask each of you one question: think of the person who completes you or the person you are searching for and tell me in one word, who are they?  

For me, it's Veronica and she is Zen. Peace, calm, rest, stillness, tranquility, my center.  I love her so and one day, one glorious, delicious, deserving day, we will be together.