Little Children Burn

Matt here.

Sometimes I think we, gay people, are like little little children. We get our fingers pinched or go in for our shots and scream like we've been set on fire.

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From time to time I hear an argument, usually in the comments sections of articles but occasionally from dear dear friends, that God would not let people be born gay and then expect them to live celibate lives. I understand the appeal of the argument, of course; if God wouldn't command us to be celibate, then we're good to go on the sex thing. Hallelujah!

The problem is that this argument isn't actually an argument—it's just a denial. It's sticking your head in the sand, thinking that if you can't see the consequences, they can't bite you in the butt.

In fact, it's worse than a flat denial. If you say "Gay sex is a sin" and I say "No it isn't," we can argue all day about who has the authority to declare what's sinful and what's not. But if you say "Gay sex is a sin" and I say "God wouldn't let me be born gay if gay sex were a sin," the argument now becomes about what God would not allow, and that list appears to be remarkably short.

Assuming God exists, he either causes or allows an amazing range of horrific events. I flatter myself I needn't list them, though I'm thinking of one particular thing. I was in Hiroshima last week, at the Atomic Bomb Museum, where I was perfectly fine until I saw a mannequin wearing a torn, burned boy's junior high school uniform and I involuntarily pictured my favorite student's face. I was not fine after that.

God lets little children burn to death. Every awful thing that has ever happened, God let it happen. How presumptuous, to say that because God allows a thing it's not a tragedy, and the consequences can't hurt. How ridiculous, for grown men and women to caterwaul that the pain the church asks them to suffer is more than God would ask.

Bitch, please.

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Tonight is my last night in Japan. By the time you read this, I should be back in good ole California.

A New Challenge

Remember how last week I threw out into the universe my desire for more love, asking if there was anywhere I was withholding it??

Well, ask and ye shall receive, my friends.

I'm not one to hate people.  I don't think I've ever actually hated anyone.  And I don't really hold grudges either.  I don't like to hold on to stuff (physical or otherwise).  Ask anyone who's ever lived with me.

The funny thing is, right when I try to be more loving and giving, an opportunity presents itself.  A challenge, if you will.  For my job, I work as part of a team.  It is me and the same three other people day after day.  I spend more time with these people than with anyone else.  One of them is a new favorite friend.   Another is a silly woman who is always chipper and pleasant to be around.  The third is a classic drama addict.  Everything is DRAMA!  Something always has to be going wrong.  Someone is always saying something she disagrees with.  The government is out to get her.  So are the administrators at work.  And she's always bitching about something.  Of late, her bitching has started to include me.  I hear from other work friends that she has been saying this or that and criticizing such and such.  Mostly, I don't care.  She can criticize my working all she wants.  I'm still a damn fast and efficient worker.  I get my shit done.  She creates drama for the sake of drama, of having something to talk about.  But when she starts to criticize me personally, my inner lion rears up and I get defensive.  I don't want to sit with her a lunch.  I don't want to spend time in the break room with her.  I avoid interacting with her if I can.  I don't want to play her two-faced game.

But last night it occurred to me that that's all it is.  A game.  She needs to have drama and she will find it anywhere she can.  And my getting defensive and angry and pissed off is only going to hurt myself.  I hate being angry.  It's one of the worst feelings ever.  That's the thing about anger and hate.  They hurt the hater the most.  So I will let her carry her emotions.  And I will carry mine.  I'm going to confront her about some things tonight.  Communication fixes a lot of things and if I'm going to have to spend 8 hours a day with her I'd rather they be open and honest instead of cold and stuffy.  Besides, it's hard to dance around when you try to carry anger with you.  I'd much rather dance.

So my challenge is to learn to love someone who is attacking me.  Possible??  I guess we'll see.  But I'm up for the challenge.