What's Best?

Matt here.

Today I feel humble. I don't know why you should be reading me when there's so much else available. Thank you.

***

When I run in the mornings I listen to a podcast called The History of Philosophy Without Any Gaps, and I've caught up to the first century AD. A couple of recent episodes have talked about Skepticism, and the discussion resonated with me. I don't have the energy to reserve judgement about everything (as recommended), but when it comes to Mormonism, that strategy has worked for me so far. Friends and family gush that it's true or it's false and I just sit here saying "Maybe." Then I go on with my life as seems best to me.

For the past handful of years, 'best' has been to pick the general principles out of Mormonism while ignoring its major claims to authority. My Mormons would say that that's a gutted version of the religion, that I'm missing the most important parts, but I wonder. I've never understood why a prophet would be necessary, or baptism. Or temple ordinances. To me, those have always seemed like ornamentation, superfluous to the main thrust of perfecting the people.

Recently, though, I've been wondering if I need to pay more attention to Mormonism's claims of authority. For whatever reason, my idea of 'best' has cracked a bit and needs shoring up.

It's a scary prospect, reevaluating things like this. What if as a result it seems to me that Mormonism is true in its entirety? That would suck. It would cut apart my plans for a family. It would mean dealing with vapid Sunday services again, and losing a tenth of my money. But it seems at least as bad to continue as I have been just because it's comfortable and not because it seems best. In fact, that's a caveat to my belief that (if Mormonism turns out to be true) God will forgive me my unbelief--that my intent was good. I think the belief that everything will be alright in the end can be dangerous, if it lulls us into complacency.

So sometime soon, when I'm employed again and not living with my parents again, you can expect to see me wrestle some thoughts out on here. I imagine I won't come to any conclusions about truth or falsehood, but I hope I'll be able to build up my understanding of what I think is best.

***
Apropos of nothing, but laugh-out-loud funny: How I Became a Hipster

My ADHD life

Just things that I see and think and write and want. Just me.

Ode to a dear dear friend - S

I don’t know why they call it having your heart stolen. It’s not. And that’s the problem. It’s still very much there, in your chest, beating, beating, beating.

Maybe if it was stolen it would be better. 

Maybe you wouldn’t feel the ache of loneliness with every contraction.

Maybe you could finally get some uninterrupted sleep, without the ghost of them.

Maybe every time your phone went off your heart wouldn’t lurch to the front of your ribs like it is trying to escape.

Maybe you wouldn’t feel like grabbing a carving knife and cutting the damn thing out. Putting it in a box with a bow. Neatly addressing it with loopy cursive writing that you reserve for special occasions. And sending it to them. 

Maybe they shouldn’t call it getting your heart stolen. They should call it keeping your heart. For that is far worse.

PS. I love you Toots. I’m always here

And as I am sitting there at the creek bed, bawling my eyes out because of the injustice and prejudice and hate, my mom simply states “maybe you aren’t gay” like it could possibly solve all my problems.

Last night I dreamed that you wanted me. 

Wanted to hold me. 

Wanted to kiss me. 

Wanted to lay with me.

Wanted to just be with me. 

But then I woke up. The longing was pain. 

Because you don’t want me. You want her. 

I've never been somebody's first. I've never been the first one they call, or their favorite, or the person they day dream about. That was normal. But I've always had a number one. My Hope perse. But now that I don't even have that, it makes no one wanting me oh so much worse.

So this guy just out of nowhere decides that he doesn’t want to work near me anymore because I’m gay and then he apologizes today. I guess I’m just supposed to be okay with that because I’m the coordinator and should forgive him but fuck he made me cry and I think he deserves to know how much it hurts to be persecuted for something that you have no control over.  

My desire to hold your hand was so bad that I had to sit on my own.

Mutability by Percy Bysshe Shelley

We are the clouds that veil the midnight moon;

     How restlessly they speed, and gleam, and quiver,

Streaking the darkness radiantly!—yet soon

     Night closes round, and they are lost forever:

Or like forgotten lyres, whose dissonant strings

     Give various response to each varying blast,

To whose frail frame no second motion brings

     One mood or modulation like the last.

We rest.—A dream has power to poison sleep;

     We rise.—One wandering thought pollutes the day;

We feel, conceive or reason, laugh or weep;

     Embrace fond foe, or cast our cares away:

It is the same!—For, be it joy or sorrow,

     The path of its departure still is free:

Man’s yesterday may ne’er be like his morrow;

     Nought may endure but Mutability.

I'm sorry that I repulse people. 
I'm sorry that people leave and by the time they remember me I don't want them anymore.
I'm sorry I've been a bitch and pushed people away.
I'm sorry I'm so forgettable.
But I'm not sorry for being me. I love me, even if you don't. 

Please

I can’t change me

I can’t change the way I feel. 

All I know is I need you. 

Or I need you to stay away. If you come back to this town I just know I will lose it. 

You know that I'm at the end of my rope, so what do you do? You push me. 

Look at me like that again and I will be forced to kiss your fucking adorable little face.

Tonight I almost killed myself. How did no one notce? While washing tables and refillng juice I was contemplating my death.

But throw on a fake smile and no one notices.

Even when my old ABF starts talking about his boyfriend he doesn’t see it.
When my new ABF complains about being fat she doesn't see it. 

My crush doesn’t see it. 

My mom didn’t see it even after I told her. 

My boss didn’t see it even after I told him I needed a break and the rest of the night off. 

Nobody sees it. 

Nobody sees me. 

Sorry for the gut spilling. Sometimes you just need to let it all out. Love you guys.
-Dupree


You’re Never Over- Eminem

"So God just help me out while I fight through this grievin’ process

Tryna process this loss is makin’ me nauseous
But this depression ain’t takin me hostage
I’ve been patiently watchin’ this game, pacin’ these hallways
You had faith in me always"

Speeding Cars- Imogen Heap

"The paper cuts, the cheating lovers

The coffee’s never strong enough
I know you think it’s more than just bad luck

I’ve watched you slowly winding down for years
You can’t keep on like this
Now is as bad of time as any

There, there, baby
It’s just text book stuff
It’s in the ABC of growing up
Now, now, darlin’
Oh don’t kill yourself
'Cause none of us were angels
And you know I love you, yeah"