Sexcapades and What Impossible Feels Like

Yay, it's Wednesday!  That means I can tell you more about Veronica. If you need a refresher, please go to How I Fell.  

And so.

My life got complicated.  Veronica became the best part of every day.  In the sweltering summer humidity and heat, we escaped to the pool daily.  I brought my two baby girls and a couple bags of Little Ceasars breadsticks and she brought her two sweet kids and her rocking body in that tiny bikini.  She would sip on a blue Monster and I would 86 a couple RedBulls.  

I can't remember what we talked about, but there was never hesitation.  Comfort was our mode of operation and  I loved hanging out with her.  I felt like I could finally be myself even though I was still trapped in the LDS community, trying to squeeze my rectangular self into the tiny round hole that is religious Mormonism. 

For weeks I watched her rub oil all over her body, her beautiful tattoos, her breasts, ass...  She loved a good tan line and God, was she tan!  The white of her natural skin peeking out from her ever tinier bikinis was so bright, shiny with tanning oil and art-like, it made me want to reach out and touch it to find out if it she was crafted from oil paint or acrylics.   

As you may have surmised, Veronica is married. Two kids, nice home, husband has a good job, girl scouts, hockey, and all the rest.  My mouth was sealed shut, never to leak what I felt in my stomach, chest, the wetness that would come.  The thoughts in my head were repressed, pushed away.  I couldn't tell anyone.  And it was painful.  

When my husband and I decided to split and I drove to Salt Lake City, I called her.  I didn't want to tell anyone in the church, I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't want anyone to tell me that God wanted me to stay.  I just wanted to see Veronica and tell her goodbye.  When I called I had the kids in the car, and all of my things were ready, I was specifically waiting for her.  But she was out visiting family in a neighboring town and wouldn't be home for a few hours.  The sadness I felt driving away without getting to see her and hug her and hear her sweet voice with the adorable accent was deep.  More deep by far than the sadness for my failed marriage, which at this point we both knew was long over.  

A year passed, and as we stayed in touch, I wanted her to visit and the trip was planned!!  Finally, a year too late, I would get to see my best friend again!  

I remember when the first hints at mutual sexual attraction began. 

Somehow talk led to thoughts on sexual experimentation and um, lesbian desires.  She sent me a photo in a text and asked "how does this make you feel?"  I remember the photo perfectly and when I was writing this, I emailed her and asked her if she remembered the first photo she ever sent me.  She did.  It was a kitchen scene, two lovely, tattooed ladies from the waist down, naked save panties, legs entwined. 

The image excited all of me in all of the ways that I had been wanting for so many, many years.  She arrived.  Her visit wasn't long, just barely three days.  I took her to the Pie Hole, RedRock, up to see the mountains, we rode the tram up to the top of Hidden Peak at Snowbird and there where we could see the whole world, I remember the feel of holding her hand for the first time.  

I also remember the night that I drank enough liquid courage that I walked up to her standing in my living room, put my hand around her perfect waist and pulled her towards me.  I kissed her for a long time and it was like spring had sprung or like a thousand doves cooing, or a million butterflies taking off all at the same moment.  It was like nothing I had ever experienced and everything that I could have imagined.  

The next part is pretty rad and I know what you're probably wondering.  Yes, I fucked her.  But it's more than that.  Years have passed and my love for her grows.  When I need to imagine a happy place, she is there with me, warm breeze, her laugh, her smile, her touch.  Together.  She is everything I could ever want.  In a partner, in a friend, in a lover, in a confidant.  

So why might I have stated in the title, what impossible feels like?  Simply because for Veronica and I, our time is not yet.  I cannot be with her.  It's tragedy and pain and agony.  Yet it makes my love for her and our bond stronger.  We grow closer over the thousands of miles between us. 

I ask each of you one question: think of the person who completes you or the person you are searching for and tell me in one word, who are they?  

For me, it's Veronica and she is Zen. Peace, calm, rest, stillness, tranquility, my center.  I love her so and one day, one glorious, delicious, deserving day, we will be together. 

How I Fell

I was raised like most every other mormon girl, with the continual pressure, prodding, persuading and brainwashing that i would grow up to be a stay at home mother, with a loving husband and plenty of children. 

Becuase my parents were so restrictive and afraid of everything, as far I knew, the word gay meant happy until i was in college when i would learn that peers i had had in high school had "come out" and i saw the gay kiss between Rachel and Melissa on 'Friends'  (College got weird for me, after that).  I was always taught that men loved women and women loved men and there was nothing else. Nothing else was REAL.  Anything else I would ever hear of or see would be fictitious or between two people who were just playing around like two drunk girls on spring break in Miami, and that those people were misled, or acting out or bad!, but most especially, that those people were definitely not in love.

I kissed boys in my late teens, I dated men in college.  I felt attraction, I liked big, hard, muscle bodied men.  I loved/STILL love my male friends and number them among the most loyal I've ever had.  I have an ease with males that has always been difficult with females.

I've felt drawn to women since I was 12.  I was never allowed to go to friends' sleepover parties but dreamed of being able to make what Anne Shirley of 'Anne of Green Gables' calls, a "bosom friend'!  (no pun seriously intended)  When I was younger, females made me nervous.  I was quiet and self conscious around them, always wanting to stay cool and collected, but I simply came out, instead, the quiet, sweet girl who never spoke.  

Years later at the age of 25, I had renamed myself as a friendly, outgoing woman and involved myself in lots of activities with other women. 

 I was married and living in Philadelphia with my husband of 4 years and my first baby girl.  I had a best friend.  A woman, even!  She and I had met while our husbands went to graduate school in Michigan and when they both got hired on by the same company in Philly, we were thrilled.  She even had her baby girl a month before I had mine.  

It was at this time that I had openly claimed female celebrity crushes, Scarlett Johannsen  and the incomparable Julie Andrews. (YES, I'm serious. she is one classy lady. besides, her as Mary Poppins, mee-oww!) and I was beginning to admit to myself that I truly was attracted to women, although I kept it a deep, fantastical secret that revealed itself in my dreams often. 

My friend and I became inseparable.  Gym, shopping, hanging out, movies, baby stuff, walks, parks, we even went and met one of the cast of 'Twilight' at our local Hot Topic during the 'Twilight' craze.  I loved her. And then I realized, rather terrifyingly, that I didn't have just friend love for her, but I was attracted to her.  

I dreamed sexually about her. I looked away at the gym when she changed, I looked away when she was climbing in the pool in her bikini. I looked away when she washed her gorgeous long hair in the shower afterwards... So much looking away.  So many feelings.  So much wanting. 

She divorced her husband and moved back to her parents house in California. I had my second baby and moved to a little town outside of Houston, Texas.  

That's when I fell in love.  With her.  With the girl of my dreams, and there was no awkward, scared 19 year old, fumbling over words, but a brave, confident woman, ready to be who I really was. 

The first time I saw her, she was at the community swimming pool, sitting on a pool chair in her bikini, impossibly tan, impossibly cool, impossibly sexy!  I was mesmerized and drawn as if by an invisible electric tentacle. When I saw her I thought 'I want to be her friend' and Before I knew it, i was saying, "Hi, I'm Mina."

And she replied in her impossibly adorable accent, "Hey. I'm Veronica".

And the rest... Is for next time. 

Love At First Sight

First you need to understand what a "zing" is...

Hotel Transylvania is a shockingly deep movie (lots of homosexual undertones). It’s like Wreck It Ralph; what is it with these animated movies feeling the need to stir up emotions? Anyways I saw it a while back and loved the idea of zinging. You just meet that person and a purple haze crawls over your eyes and bam it’s love! Okay that actually sounds creepy but whatever.

So this Wednesday… I didn’t “zing” perse but there were definitely tingles. I don’t know why but when I saw this girl I wanted her to sit by me and when she did I wanted to find something interesting to woo her with. When I showed appreciation for the Beavers she leaned over and whispered “no, Ducks are better.” I mean who gets all warm and fuzzy from a girl liking your rival team? Me apparently. And when she giggled at my awkward eating habits and I knew she was watching me instead of the speaker. Or when I walked her to work and she said we were the hottest girls there and I jokingly gave her my number but still really hoped that she would use it.

I guess that is a jumbled bit of mess but that is how I feel. A jumbled bit of happy mess. Wondering how someone who I interacted with for less than an hour can still occupy my thoughts. Wondering if she’ll call me or if the fact that I added her as a friend on FB makes me weird. But I also feel like I can’t just walk away from her without at least trying. 

Well… what do I know? I fall in love with people on a weekly basis. :P 

Actually I’m amending this post because I feel like I should mention the rest of the day. See I got a scholarship through the University Accessibility Center and they wanted us to attend a luncheon and a banquet. I really had no idea what was going on but I was like okay…

I met the girl at the luncheon and saw her again at the banquet. When we had to go receive our awards in front of 300 people we just kind of huddled terrified together. I sat next to the people who donated thousands upon of thousands of dollars for the entire day to happen as well as for each individual scholarship. I got my picture taken with President Samuelson. I had my first ever boutonniere pinned on by my best friend and then had to try to replicate the act when the scholarship donor asked me to pin his on. I shook the entire night before I got my award and was a fumbling mess but it was an amazing evening. I felt really humbled to be given the award. It was spectacular to see how much support me and the other recipients and the accessibility center had. From the 300 hundred anonymous people who came to watching E try to stay awake throughout the three hour program, it was just so humbling.