Sexcapades and What Impossible Feels Like

Yay, it's Wednesday!  That means I can tell you more about Veronica. If you need a refresher, please go to How I Fell.  

And so.

My life got complicated.  Veronica became the best part of every day.  In the sweltering summer humidity and heat, we escaped to the pool daily.  I brought my two baby girls and a couple bags of Little Ceasars breadsticks and she brought her two sweet kids and her rocking body in that tiny bikini.  She would sip on a blue Monster and I would 86 a couple RedBulls.  

I can't remember what we talked about, but there was never hesitation.  Comfort was our mode of operation and  I loved hanging out with her.  I felt like I could finally be myself even though I was still trapped in the LDS community, trying to squeeze my rectangular self into the tiny round hole that is religious Mormonism. 

For weeks I watched her rub oil all over her body, her beautiful tattoos, her breasts, ass...  She loved a good tan line and God, was she tan!  The white of her natural skin peeking out from her ever tinier bikinis was so bright, shiny with tanning oil and art-like, it made me want to reach out and touch it to find out if it she was crafted from oil paint or acrylics.   

As you may have surmised, Veronica is married. Two kids, nice home, husband has a good job, girl scouts, hockey, and all the rest.  My mouth was sealed shut, never to leak what I felt in my stomach, chest, the wetness that would come.  The thoughts in my head were repressed, pushed away.  I couldn't tell anyone.  And it was painful.  

When my husband and I decided to split and I drove to Salt Lake City, I called her.  I didn't want to tell anyone in the church, I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't want anyone to tell me that God wanted me to stay.  I just wanted to see Veronica and tell her goodbye.  When I called I had the kids in the car, and all of my things were ready, I was specifically waiting for her.  But she was out visiting family in a neighboring town and wouldn't be home for a few hours.  The sadness I felt driving away without getting to see her and hug her and hear her sweet voice with the adorable accent was deep.  More deep by far than the sadness for my failed marriage, which at this point we both knew was long over.  

A year passed, and as we stayed in touch, I wanted her to visit and the trip was planned!!  Finally, a year too late, I would get to see my best friend again!  

I remember when the first hints at mutual sexual attraction began. 

Somehow talk led to thoughts on sexual experimentation and um, lesbian desires.  She sent me a photo in a text and asked "how does this make you feel?"  I remember the photo perfectly and when I was writing this, I emailed her and asked her if she remembered the first photo she ever sent me.  She did.  It was a kitchen scene, two lovely, tattooed ladies from the waist down, naked save panties, legs entwined. 

The image excited all of me in all of the ways that I had been wanting for so many, many years.  She arrived.  Her visit wasn't long, just barely three days.  I took her to the Pie Hole, RedRock, up to see the mountains, we rode the tram up to the top of Hidden Peak at Snowbird and there where we could see the whole world, I remember the feel of holding her hand for the first time.  

I also remember the night that I drank enough liquid courage that I walked up to her standing in my living room, put my hand around her perfect waist and pulled her towards me.  I kissed her for a long time and it was like spring had sprung or like a thousand doves cooing, or a million butterflies taking off all at the same moment.  It was like nothing I had ever experienced and everything that I could have imagined.  

The next part is pretty rad and I know what you're probably wondering.  Yes, I fucked her.  But it's more than that.  Years have passed and my love for her grows.  When I need to imagine a happy place, she is there with me, warm breeze, her laugh, her smile, her touch.  Together.  She is everything I could ever want.  In a partner, in a friend, in a lover, in a confidant.  

So why might I have stated in the title, what impossible feels like?  Simply because for Veronica and I, our time is not yet.  I cannot be with her.  It's tragedy and pain and agony.  Yet it makes my love for her and our bond stronger.  We grow closer over the thousands of miles between us. 

I ask each of you one question: think of the person who completes you or the person you are searching for and tell me in one word, who are they?  

For me, it's Veronica and she is Zen. Peace, calm, rest, stillness, tranquility, my center.  I love her so and one day, one glorious, delicious, deserving day, we will be together. 

My Mistakes

I don't think there's anything wrong with mistakes.
 
Well, to an extent anyway. I'm realizing more and more that success can't be measured in terms of what you have accomplished or the level of wealth one has obtained or even by the mass amounts of happiness you have. It's seriously by what you have done in your life and what you know.
 
I told myself when I was 18 that I was going to be a quad-zillionaire, very successful, didn't bat an eye to the way I viewed myself then and knew my dejection in high school was just a blip in the continuum of time I had. Well...that didn't happen. In fact, most who view my life probably would see me as a stalemate right now. I still haven't finished my degree. I was diagnosed with HIV at a very young age, I was a persistent drug and alcohol abuser, and I'm still doing the whole two-job thing I was doing back in college during my very early 20's. And yes, high student loan debt with very few personal possessions.
 
That's not the point though.
 
Have you ever wondered what does happen to the person when they admit defeat, when they give up? When it seems like no further reason exists for continuing? Easy. They die. They die either a mental or a physical death. Or both. They turn to depression, anxiety, anguish, hatred, and a bitter way of living life. And no I'm not talking about those who have mental health problems with these issues (trust me, I'm one of them).
 
What it is, instead, is persistent and long-lasting depression and so forth from feeling like an utter failure that never heals itself because that person is consistently in a ball of rolling hatred toward the world! So much, in fact, they shut down on the inside. Negativity attracts that lifestyle.
 
I refuse to be that person.
 
Why? Because I know the amazing and even Godlike possibilities of the human mind and how it can change your life.
 

 

The phrase goes, "As a man thinketh, so is he."
 
It's probably the only scripture I've held dearest to my heart, and I still do so today. Once I realized I knew what I wanted in life and how to do it, I instantly started to see change. Not drastic, but rather a small change that grew every day. And it made me into the best human being I could possibly be! And it's making me so much better.
 
The secret? My thought process. Anything you so desire can only be achieved by starting to think about how to get it. As a result, action enfolds and brings you closer to your goals. Simple, yet so farfetched in this world. My goal was to be a motivational speaker, to better the lives of people by sharing experiences of my personal self and being an entertainer through my music.
 
Now? That's exactly what I'm doing. I'm talking to high school kids, playing at the hospital, etc.and I love it. It never seemed to be something that I ever thought I would get to...but after realizing that I control literally EVERYTHING that happens in my life, why shouldn't I? My health has grown because of my understanding that I can fight off anything. My education is becoming brighter because I now want to learn this time and wish to finish my degree. I have goals now to date, to actually settle down, and refuse to sleep around with random people just to find the right guy for me. I envision ideas of becoming successful in my career, and even becoming known as the person who will change the course of the world. (Well, maybe not to THAT extreme, but I definitely plan on making a mark.) And now even going and becoming a great gym guy and trying to increase my strength because of seeing and feeling how it affects me and my personal well-being. ALL of this coming from one simple thing: how I view myself in my mind.
 
It was the hardest day of my life to look at myself in the mirror and say OUT LOUD, "I am happy with myself exactly how I am now." It took me a good half hour to really come to terms with that idea. But now? I feel that exact same statement every day when I get ready. I make time to get ready, to do my hair, to pick out the best outfit that everyone sees me in, to have a smile on my face, to push myself farther and farther into the person of whom I want to be.
 
But what I've also learned is sometimes it's okay to take things in strides and give people, things, and ideas a chance as well! Some people I've recently met have made me realize that there can be value in anything and anyone; it simply is your attitude in how you approach the situation and how it turns out. I was skeptical in sometimes giving new people and guys a chance because I've been burned in the past. But recently...I'm seeing that people as a whole are generally good people. They may not be the brightest, but in some light or another, they're just like you and me and should be treated with respect.
 
Now? I'm in a good mindset. :) I have a loving family, great friends, awesome jobs, and a great life ahead of me. And I hope, one day, that life makes itself into a better way that I am able to continue to grow and continue my life even more. All because of how I think and view myself as a person.
 
I am TRULY happy for who I am. I'm sexy. Yes, I'm gay (sorry ladies). I'm amazing. And quite the catch who loves Italian food, good conversation, and a genuine smile and eyes from people. And trust me....you WANT to get to know me! As a man, as a friend, as a lover (I want a man in my life), whatever you think or want ;) Because I will better your life for having me in it.

Introductions and Greetings!

I

Well good morning and hello! Is the graphic a bit much? ;)

I found a request for "Breaking the Silence" for blogging, and I'm happy to be able to write for them! It took me a bit to get started, but I'm happy to report I'll be writing just random things, posts, requests, poems, and personal experiences as it relates to my own ideas. So without further ado, let's begin!

I guess the best way to start is by introducing who I am and why I want to blog. My name is Terence Waters, a 29-year-old gay man living in Salt Lake City.  I currently do freelance work, graphic design mainly, along with another full-time job, being a full-time student, and have many hobbies. I've found a lot of enjoyment in various activities, but particularly in the arts, including playing music and piano, the theatre, drawing/sketching, reading and writing, blogging, public speaking, technology and telecommunications, PCs, dining out, networking, and the business world. I also crave knowledge, for reading is a beautiful thing, especially when it involves current events and so forth. I'll constantly post interesting reads I've found on Twitter, Facebook, and Google+, and love just gaining insight on anything and everything!

In my personal life, I've experienced quite a bit in my coming out story and sexuality, and I hope that somehow my experiences I write about in my blog posts touch those who decide to read them. I hope to also help some of those experiencing trouble dealing with same-sex attraction, especially in wake of the LDS (Mormon) Church and its principles, for I was exactly in that same place. Because of my experiences and trials, I found that reaching out was the best way to help me deal with my worries and feelings, and maybe my blog posts can help you as the reader if you're in this situation as well.

To backtrack, I was (and technically still am) a former member, and still recall how difficult it was to be able to come out and talk about myself to my family, my friends, even to me solely. My father was a Bishop and Stake High Councilman, my mother a Relief Society President, both still married, enjoying life, and worked hard for their income each day to provide for our family.

As for me, I was in the Aaronic Priesthood, consequently trying to understand the urges I was feeling as a teenager while at the same time being full-time in school, working through life, landing a scholarship for college, and graduating as one of the top students in my high school class. After coming out (i.e. explaining openly that I am a gay male) during college, I then experienced various trials, confusion, and even diseases and health problems in relation to trying to find my true self. But through constant understanding and love for myself, great emotional and spiritual help, and overall amazing friends and family, now I can truly say I am a happy person for being the person I am today: gay, a designer, and a newly mature man based on my trials and experiences received. It is not just about the same-sex attraction in my life; rather, it is instead a part of me that still allows me to be a productive member of society...which I now can say has enlightened my life.

I plan to use a lot of these details (both good and bad) in future blogs, for I do not wish to bore you personally as my reader right off the bat here. Instead, I wished to give you an understanding and knowledge of what it is I truly wish to write about and to introduce myself to you, the reader of my post in "Breaking the Silence". I'm rather excited to get started and share some of my personal experiences and life's journeys to better help you, the reader, see what great things a man or a woman can achieve while also being a part of the LDS/Mormon AND LGBT Community. And also, I'll add some fun stuff, like poetry, random, appropriate jokes I'll encounter, and even personal experiences that I hope will entertain and inspire you!

Finally, I welcome comments and will read each one received. Feel free to ask questions, and I will make a reasonable effort to respond if I am able. :) Come, my fellow reader, and explore with me the deep, inner regions, of my inner psyche. Be amused, entertained, and uplifted ;)

~Terence Waters
@terrokkinit on Twitter
Terence Waters on Facebook

And in the End, You Begin Again

(I’ve had this saved in my computer for over a month. The time has come, though, to finally publish it).

A little over a year ago, a scared young man experienced the straw that broke the camel’s back. Feeling lost, alone, and struggling to find what he was looking for in romantic partners and his newly acquired queer community, he hopelessly began his quest for resolution with a Google search: “gay mormon.” This simple phrase returned a plethora of results, including the blog for a figure prominent within the gay Mormon movement. After exchanging a few emails, the young man became connected to numerous Facebook groups and individuals all gathered for the same purpose: to support each other under the common alias of “gay and Mormon.”

One year later, I’m wondering where the support went.

Initially, that curiosity wasn’t present. I took part in some wonderful discussions and critical dialogue. I witnessed some incredible stories and saw individuals triumph and achieve huge successes. I even attended a conference to explore these ideas and discussions even further, and connected with an amazing group of people that I still keep in touch with to this day.

But the winds have swiftly changed. No longer is my voice given merit in these spaces. In fact, it’s often silenced by allies claiming to know what’s best for me. Often times, this is done by speaking over those of us who do identify this way and attempt to speak out. My desire to address issues on a systemic, Church policy level has been ignored by individuals seeking to assimilate into those Mormons who have oppressed them and others like them. Instead of recognizing our differences and variation in experiences as LGBTQ Mormons, we are now prescribed the way to enact both aspects of our shared identity. The stories of individuals in mixed orientation marriages are deployed by many in the Church as the way to be LGBTQ and Mormon. Sadly, this is not the only prescription LGBTQ Mormons are given. Many other similarly harmful prescriptions are in circulation, ones issued even by allies and our own movements.

And the more I speak out, the more I struggle finding resonance.

When the straw broke the camel’s back this time, I asked myself to reflect upon why I’m involved in these spaces and movements, and if that’s being fulfilled. I was searching for people like me that I could relate to. And on the surface, I found that. Beneath it, I only found out how different I am.

But while my pursuit requires me to step back these spaces, I will still very much be there. My background in feminist studies and activist work within the queer community only enriches my understanding of societal issues at play within Mormon spaces. I, along with other Mormon feminists, as well as other religious feminists and non-religious ones, will be there to address these issues and work at dismantling them in an institution which thrives on their presence. 

I’ve had a wonderful time writing for “Breaking the Silence;” I’ve grown so much since I first started writing. I’ve learned that to critique something does not mean to get rid of it or disavow of it completely, but to take a critical and honest look at something. In the words of Debbie Ford: “If we deny our ugliness, we lessen our beauty.” And I’ve learned that I make the rules for myself, that I should never feel like I must abide by stereotypes and rules set forth for me, even in queer spaces. This blog was one of the first I ran into in my quest for gay Mormons, and I look forward to returning to my spectator role and keeping up with the brilliant posts these authors continue to come up with. Because I feel like I have shifted from a gay Mormon to a queer…secular.  But for now, perhaps another young individual could utilize this space to grow and develop some. I know I did. And my silence has been broken. More accurately put, it can’t be contained.

“Did you find what you were looking for?”

 “No... no. But I found something I thought I'd lost: Faith to keep looking.”

                                                                        - The X Files “The End Game”

What Do You Say?

My eyes could not keep up the charade anymore. After a busy morning of chores and errands, I made my way to my bed. I had only just laid down, eyes closed tight, and drifted off to sleep when I awoken by THUD THUD.

I did not answer the door, but I knew who it was. I heard my mom’s sleepy voice, awoken too by the raucous, and heard her step outside as someone else came in and headed for the bathroom, closing the door behind them. It’s the missionaries, I thought. As a child of a single mother, I knew the rule: no missionaries could be alone with a woman in the same house. But it must have been leaked that I was home, because the next thing I knew, they were in my living room talking with my mother.

In my sleepy consciousness, I thought about going out there. I’m sure Jesus would have, even if he was wrapped up in his Spongebob blanket. But then I thought about what I would say:

Hi, I’m a fourth year sociology major and feminist studies minor, and I work on a commission to provide funding to queer organizations and events, as well as our coalitional allies on campus. I also write for a blog chronicling the lives of members who also identify somewhere in the queer spectrum, and the struggles that come with being persecuted and discriminated against for our sexuality.

I pictured the looks on their faces if I was to tell them that, and I wrapped up tighter in my blanket and closed my eyes. Because I knew it wouldn’t be worth the resulting disagreement and dialogue about how I need to see the light.

To make sure I wasn’t wrongly being a jerk, I googled “lds church view sexual abuse” and read all sorts of stories about members being sexually abused and the resulting cover-up Church leaders executed in order to preserve a pristine public image. Many of these individuals were urged not to share their stories so that their perpetrators who were high ranked and held positions of power within the Church could continue to do so. I thought, “those poor individuals whose experiences are not being acknowledged so that an institution that runs on patriarchy and the thriving of males can live on.”

And then I wondered what happened to those perpetrators, and if they would have been outcast and expelled like many queer identified Mormons are, or if they go through an extensive repentance process that will get them at least somewhat near where they used to be.

I don’t think I’m ready for a missionary discussion anytime soon.