The Point of It All

Matt here.

Some time ago I wrote a post about the phrase “I love you, but . . . ” and then a post about the hypocrisy of gay people denying other people’s feelings, and then a post about the importance of making people feel loved. It’s time to finish the series with today’s post, the fourth and last, about why I think all this is worth so many words.

---

This is my dad:

Actually, he's clean shaven now. And not Japanese.

Dad's a retired military officer and an active member of his local ward. Yesterday, he and I spent the day in Kyoto with Adam, the last man I dated before moving out here. Dad knows Adam was my boyfriend.

I wouldn’t have believed that this could be a good thing when I first came out and Dad was talking to me about hormone therapy to ‘fix my problem,’ but we had a blast.

This is my mom:

Not really. My mom would be smiling.

She married Dad at nineteen, raised five excellent children (I’m number four), and is now one of the masterminds behind her ward’s Relief Society.

When I was in college she consistently spoke about me finding the right girl someday; last year she blew my mind by casually mentioning that I should “get a man who sings.” She was not referring to party entertainment.

---

The point of this series is that when I first came out, my parents loved me but believed homosexuality was chosen sin. I had a choice in how to react to that. I could have insisted that their beliefs meant they didn’t really love me, or that if they really loved me they would change their beliefs. I could have bawled that it was the LDS church or me. I could have started dating right away and rubbed my orientation in their faces, ignoring how it would hurt them.

I did not do these things. I can’t say for sure how my life would be different if I had, but I seriously doubt I would have the quality relationship with my parents that I have now. Instead, I trusted that they did, indeed, love me. I respected that they had lived three-plus times as long as me and might know something I didn’t, and I came out slowly, in stages, as gently as I could.

---

Let me be clear: I am not saying that people should be given a green light for ass-hattery when they say “I love you, but . . .” I am not saying that there are no circumstances in which delicacy and respect for others’ feelings should be dropped.

I am saying that the “but” in “I love you, but [thing]” does not automatically negate the love. I am saying that when someone says they love you, there is no valid way to disprove them. I am saying that loving someone is often meaningless if you don’t make them feel loved.

I’m saying that it is best to not give people me-or-your-beliefs ultimatums.

I’m saying that eventually, after panicky gay adolescence, we can afford to be generous toward people who believe differently. Even when our rights are being voted on.

---

Maybe especially when our rights are being voted on: This article from The Atlantic tells the fascinating story of last year’s four marriage equality wins. The secret is pretty simple. We gave up on pointing out the factual inaccuracies of anti-gay rhetoric and focused on making people feel our love for each other.

There are many ways to stand up for ourselves, and some are more effective than others.

---

In the coming years, I hope to see gay marriage legalized in all fifty states. I hope to see fewer gay kids on the streets, fewer suicides, less bullying. At the same time, I feel the need to offer a counterpoint to the chorus of voices like Clyde’s, which seem to me to be saying that we have no power; that there’s nothing we can do; that we are victims. That our behavior, our attitudes, our beliefs are beyond reproach, and it’s up to Them to fix this mess.

I firmly believe that insisting They clean up the mess alone is a strategy intoxicated with righteous indignation, and it is a strategy that will keep the mess worse and leave it longer than it would be if we stopped thinking of ourselves as victims and did what we could.

I will not insist that "negotiations" consist solely of me getting my way, now--that is what children do.

I will not be controlled by indignation that is so there, even when stupid arguments are invoked.

The reason is simple: People who "love us, but . . ." are not enemies, and I am not a victim.

Dupreelings

Father

So I have a father. Sometimes I forget that I have a father. I mean he’s never around. He never was around. And the last thing he said to me was that he wanted to be a part of my life and that he loved me. This was right after he found out that I was suicidal and then he started to read the blog posts. He hasn’t said anything to me since. I let him know I would be in Oregon and that I could see him. Nothing. It’s been months.

So I call my mom today and guess what he’s doing; he is getting married. This man has been married three times already! He already has four children that he doesn’t give a fuck about so why is going and grabbing more people to love. He’ll just leave them!

Anyway that was a rant… sorry guys. He sucks.

But the point is he can ‘love’ people and then leave them the next day. He doesn’t get attached people. Even his children and wives.

That is the worst thing he has passed on to me. Like I was told once, I’m a duck. I let all the bad stuff just roll right off like me like water but I can’t hold on to the good stuff. I can’t hold on to love. I just let it go.

Mother

So I have a mother. I adore my mother. I wish she would realize that more. I don’t know what I would do without her. But she wasn’t always there. I’ve lived with her a handful of years and we weren’t close at all until I came to college.

But my mother had me when I was twenty. And her mother had her when she was twenty. And her mother had her when she twenty. You get the point. Can anyone guess my age? Yep I am twenty.

So I should be having little Dupreelings right? Wrong.

I don’t want children right now. I don’t know if I want children ever. Sometimes I see an adorable baby and I’m like I WANT!!! And then some baby screams and I’m like Uhhh no.

But I think the main reason I don’t want children is because I don’t want to be like my parents. I love my mother and not having a father doesn’t bother me. But I wouldn’t want to bring a child into the world if I wasn’t a hundred percent sure that I would always stay with them. If my parents could so easily leave me then what is to say that I wouldn’t leave me child? And I was planned. My parents wanted and tried for me. Just to leave.

So this is how it is. I want children but I’m also scared of them. Scared that I would screw them up. Scared that I would leave them. Scared that I wouldn’t love them enough. Just scared.

Wonderful- Everclear

"Promises mean everything

 When you're little and the world's so big

 I just don't understand how 
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
And tell me everything is wonderful now"

With Arms Wide Open- Creed


"If I had just one wish

Only one demand
I hope he's not like me
I hope he understands
That he can take this life
And hold it by the hand
And he can greet the world
With arms wide open..."