"The Giving Tree" Poem

With Thanksgiving just passing I wanted so share one of my favorite poems. 

Once there was a tree....
and she loved a little boy.
And everyday the boy would come
and he would gather her leaves
and make them into crowns
and play king of the forest.
He would climb up her trunk
and swing from her branches
and eat apples.
And they would play hide-and-go-seek.
And when he was tired,
he would sleep in her shade.
And the boy loved the tree....
very much.
And the tree was happy.
But time went by.
And the boy grew older.
And the tree was often alone.
Then one day the boy came to the tree
and the tree said, "Come, Boy, come and
climb up my trunk and swing from my
branches and eat apples and play in my
shade and be happy."
"I am too big to climb and play" said
the boy.
"I want to buy things and have fun.
I want some money?"
"I'm sorry," said the tree, "but I
have no money.
I have only leaves and apples.
Take my apples, Boy, and sell them in
the city. Then you will have money and
you will be happy."
And so the boy climbed up the
tree and gathered her apples
and carried them away.
And the tree was happy.
But the boy stayed away for a long time....
and the tree was sad.
And then one day the boy came back
and the tree shook with joy
and she said, "Come, Boy, climb up my trunk
and swing from my branches and be happy."
"I am too busy to climb trees," said the boy.
"I want a house to keep me warm," he said.
"I want a wife and I want children,
and so I need a house.
Can you give me a house ?"
" I have no house," said the tree.
"The forest is my house,
but you may cut off
my branches and build a
house. Then you will be happy."

And so the boy cut off her branches
and carried them away
to build his house.
And the tree was happy.
But the boy stayed away for a long time.
And when he came back,
the tree was so happy
she could hardly speak.
"Come, Boy," she whispered,
"come and play."
"I am too old and sad to play,"
said the boy.
"I want a boat that will
take me far away from here.
Can you give me a boat?"
"Cut down my trunk
and make a boat," said the tree.
"Then you can sail away...
and be happy."
And so the boy cut down her trunk
and made a boat and sailed away.
And the tree was happy
... but not really.

And after a long time
the boy came back again.
"I am sorry, Boy,"
said the tree," but I have nothing
left to give you -
My apples are gone."
"My teeth are too weak
for apples," said the boy.
"My branches are gone,"
said the tree. " You
cannot swing on them - "
"I am too old to swing
on branches," said the boy.
"My trunk is gone, " said the tree.
"You cannot climb - "
"I am too tired to climb" said the boy.
"I am sorry," sighed the tree.
"I wish that I could give you something....
but I have nothing left.
I am just an old stump.
I am sorry...."
"I don't need very much now," said the boy.
"just a quiet place to sit and rest.
I am very tired."
"Well," said the tree, straightening
herself up as much as she could,
"well, an old stump is good for sitting and resting
Come, Boy, sit down. Sit down and rest."
And the boy did.
And the tree was happy.

Let us all keep gratitude in our hearts as we approach this wonderful Christmas season. 

Jaimee

Appreciating July. (I'm Gonna Be 500 Miles-Sleeping At Last)

     I first want to apologize for not posting this on sunday. My laptop was being nothing less an irritating and for some reason I could not connect to the internet on it. Please forgive the delay :(

     When I was a child I distinctly remember my worries being carefree. As a child my brain was constantly running, constantly imagining things. My worries were not of love, or money, or family, or school, or work. My smiles did not hide pain, or lies, or secrets. My life was simple. My worry held fear of the monster beneath my bed and the thought of somebody stealing my rusty red bike. I stressed over who I was going to play with that day and a bad time was from the shadow cast by the silence of boredom. Every day that passed my childhood was placed behind me with no regards to the innocence held by my childhood. With each passing day the understanding of real stress and worry became all to familiar. Every second that clicked my innocent brain was replaced by the understanding that my happiness was in my hands. That in the end, I was going to be the one to write my own story....and with that understanding the stress, unhappiness, and worry only piled up like the snow that gathers knee high with each dropping snowflake. 

     At the age of 25 I have seen that sad pile of stress, unhappiness, and worry melt away. I have seen it dissolve into hope, happiness, joy, and child like smiles. But just like each winter brings more snow there is always a time in my life that the snowflakes of stress, unhappiness, and worry begins to accumulate in my life....every time with different significance. The past couple of weeks my mind has focused on one particular apprehension.   LOVE  

     I keep trying to pin point at what point in my life I started stressing about falling in love. And the more I think about it the more I realize it wasn't so much a time as an event. I remember the first time I truly fell in love. The moment I looked into their eyes and saw nothing but comfort and happiness. The feeling that I was flying....That I could accomplish anything. My smile held secrets and lies hidden deep in my past....but after falling in love....after having my heart stolen...my smile did not hold pain. Everybody feels love differently.... I felt it like I was up to my head in stress filled snow....and my love....their love.....was my July. Unfortunately, though I hope I am one day proven wrong, nothing good last forever. As much happiness that was brought on by falling in love just as much pain was emptied into my heart from watching them fall out of love with me. That was the point....the event that changed my whole out look on love and life. Before falling in love I never knew what pure happiness was. I had always been happy and content with in myself but having somebody to share everything with...having somebody that knew every dark secret hidden in my pathetic past, and still loved me was a miracle in my eyes. And every day I search for that miracle...I search for that happiness that somebody else out in the world holds in their hands. I'm patient....I'm not worried or forcing anything. I want my next love to come to me....to need me. I'm patient because I know without the snow.....I could never truly appreciate July.

Oh The Places I'll Go ("The Fighter"- Gym Class Heroes)

   

     When I was younger I was very chubby and had a bowl cut and dressed like a boy. I was often asked by my peers if I was a boy or a girl. I always had friends and I was never the target of excessive bullying, but I was often brought down by my own thoughts. I was a bully....to myself. In elementary school I don't ever remember my "difference" holding me back... I don't ever remember it enabling me from being social or hanging out with my friends. In middle school however the fact that I was different started to be more noticeable. Maybe not so much to my peers but more so to me. I specifically remember being in elementary when the thought that I could be gay started to creep into my mind. However being so young I didn't know much on the topic and it was easy to convince myself that I was just going through a phase and that next year I would be more girly and like boys more. In middle school.....well that was a little harder to do. My feelings towards girls were not as easily ignored. I had crushes...multiple crushes that I hid within friendships. I started to separate myself emotionally and physically from people, scared that if I got too close they would start to see who I was......A monster. I started to tell myself I was a nobody.....that I was a mistake. In high school the depression started to creep in like a plague. I alienated myself from my close friends because they were all dating and having the boyfriends....and, well, I wasn't. Growing up in the mormon church my thoughts were often led to temple marriage and eternal families and it was like I had unconsciously made a decision that I could never be happy. That I would never be normal. I felt like a failure all the time. After struggling through high school and putting on a brave face I graduated, excited of what my future had to hold. I had unknowingly planted these dreams and expectations of what "real" life was. I speculated that once I graduated things would magically change and I would be happy. I. Was. Wrong.
     I struggled all through my college years trying to find out who I was. If you've read my last post you'll understand when I say I "hit rock bottom". Once you hit rock bottom you don't automatically pop out on top. You have to fight to get there. So this last week that's what I've been doing..... Fighting. I have spent my whole life telling myself I was a monster, a nobody, that I was worthless and a mistake. I have spent  my whole life tearing myself down....being my own bully that now.....Well.....its hard to tell myself I'm not. I have been searching the past couple of weeks for strength to keep fighting this war going on within myself...... And then while at work I was reading to one of my disabled students a book that changed my life.

Oh, the Places You'll Go! by Dr. Seuss (I've highlighted my favorite parts)

Congratulations! Today is your day. You're off to Great Places! You're off and away! 
You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go. 
You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care. About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there." With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street. 
And you may not find any you'll want to go down. In that case, of course, you'll head straight out of town. 
It's opener there in the wide open air. 
Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you. 
And when things start to happen, don't worry. Don't stew. Just go right along. You'll start happening too. 
OH! THE PLACES YOU'LL GO! 
You'll be on your way up! You'll be seeing great sights! You'll join the high fliers who soar to high heights. 
You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed. You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest. 
Except when you don' t Because, sometimes, you won't. 
I'm sorry to say so but, sadly, it's true and Hang-ups can happen to you. 
You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You'll be left in a Lurch. 
You'll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you'll be in a Slump. 
And when you're in a Slump, you're not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done. 
You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked. A place you could sprain both you elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win? 
And IF you go in, should you turn left or right... or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind. 
You can get so confused that you'll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place. The Waiting Place... 
...for people just waiting. Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or a No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting. 
Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting. 
NO! That's not for you! 
Somehow you'll escape all that waiting and staying. You'll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. 
With banner flip-flapping, once more you'll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you're that kind of a guy! 
Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. there are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV. 
Except when they don't. Because, sometimes, they won't. 
I'm afraid that some times you'll play lonely games too. Games you can't win 'cause you'll play against you. 
All Alone! Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you'll be quite a lot. 
And when you're alone, there's a very good chance you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won't want to go on. 
But on you will go though the weather be foul On you will go though your enemies prowl On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. 
On and on you will hike and I know you'll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are. 
You'll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You'll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life's a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left. 
And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and 3 / 4 percent guaranteed.) 
KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS! 
So... be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea, you're off to Great Places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So...get on your way! 


     Right in the middle of reading this book I paused and struggled to hold back tears. I realized through this silly Dr. Seuss book that all those years of putting myself down had only led to to where I was now. On Top. I finally realized that I had made it. That I was on top of my mountain. But I'm not stopping there. I know life is full of ups and downs and thats okay because there are so many other mountains to climb....and to keep climbing them at one point I'll have to slide down. So though I may be on top now...I'm NOT going to stop fighting. I'm going to fight for happiness, for peace, for love, for equality, for whats right and against wrong, for the handicapped, for the sad, for the lost and the down, and for me. There is so much that awaits me! So many adventures and places to see. My expectations are high, my smile is big, and my desires and huge. The sky is my limit! All I need is the strength....and I'll fight for it, cause I'm a Fighter....and Oh The Places I'll Go.

Jaimee.

I Got Out ("It's All Alright" -Fun)

This is my first time writing on a blog..... Ever. I wish I could say that I had some clue of what I was doing here, but in all honesty I don't. I'm not usually an open book...in fact if you were to ask anybody that knows me they would tell you I was the exact opposite. With that said I am trying to be more open and what better place than here. I don't know where to start or how to introduce myself. So I'll start from where it gets Interesting. 

It was October 8th 2013. Five days after my 25th birthday. I remember waking up that morning with no hope. Like every ounce of happiness and ability to rationalize and look towards a better future had been stolen, robbed in my sleep. I sat in bed that morning and contemplated the question William Shakespeare so brilliantly approached in Hamlet. "To be or not to be". I don't remember much after that thought. Looking back I can remember choosing to take my life but I don't remember the selling point. The straw that broke the camels back. What I do remember is waking up in the hospital with nothing. No feelings towards anything or anybody. I remember being overwhelmed with emotions of  helplessness, loneliness, being scared, mad, confused, and yet....I felt nothing. I remember the looks on my family's faces as they stood over me asking me questions I knew I wouldn't be able to answer. However, of all the things I remember...the one thing that sticks out is remembering the relief that over came me as I came to the realization that I had been given a second chance. At that moment the deciding factors to take my own life did not seem relevant or important. At that moment I knew things were going to change. That I was going to change.  That day I cowardly came out to my family. At the age of 25 I was finally admitting who I was. Not only to myself but to family. To make a long story short my family was nothing short of supportive. My Mom is constantly reminding me of how happy she is I "Got Out" and strangely enough that's how I feel. Like for all these years I had been trapped in this mindset that nothing could make me better. That I was broken and worthless. After years and years of battling with myself I can happily and proudly say I GOT OUT! I have never been happier and though at times I feel down, nothing is as worse as feeling nothing. 

My name is Jaimee. I'm 25 years old. I am mormon and love my religion and I'm a lesbian. I came out one month ago and if I have learned anything from my experience its that "It's All Alright". At this point in my life I have NO IDEA what I'm doing. I guess through all this rambling and mess what I'm trying to say is we are in this together.... and it will be alright. 

Jaimee.