Sex and Love

For a couple years I went on a sexual journey to try to figure out why I couldn't have an orgasm.  True.  Stay with me.

I have trouble connecting with men on a sexual level.

I tried all kinds.  Bigger penis, thicker penis, circumcised, uncircumcised, all shapes, all sizes, I even went black.  But for all my experimentation, I couldn't have an orgasm.  That can get frustrating for men.  But I knew it wasn't them, it wasn't something they were or weren't doing.  It was me.  I felt attracted to them, but I didn't feel desire for them. I never had a real connection with them.

I love big men.  I love beards and mountain man type builds.  I even have a thing for bald heads with beards.  The bigger the better in my opinion.  I had sex with a guy once who felt smaller than I was ( I was a double zero at the time) and lets just say it didn't work out between us.

For me, I need there to be a crazy chemical reaction.  The kind of reaction where you feel raw, burning desire so strongly that the sexual intimacy flows lava like from both parties.

It wasn't until I was with a woman that I found this.

Is it because it's less known area for me? Probably.  Is it because I'm inexperienced with women?  Definitely.  Is it because I have an attraction for women that I've only accepted for a few years of my 31 years?  Absolutely.

I'm happy to say that since I was able to discover my true sexuality, I can now connect with men on a sexual level.  I'm not on the intimate level yet, and FAR from the love level, and that's ok with me.  I realize that my journey isn't through and it will be a lifelong road for me.  I need some recovery, I need some healing, I need some self love.

My hope is that through these things, I will come to find the level of love and intimacy that everyone dreams of and too few are lucky enough to reach.  But then again, I don't believe it has anything to do with luck.

Silence Has No Place In Love-Making

I thought I'd start off in a similar vein as I left on last week.
Sex. Intimacy. Love-making.

I found this cool post, which actually you should ignore because it's hella confusing. Go straight to the comics at the bottom because they make a lot more sense. http://campus.feministing.com/2010/10/27/on-the-critical-hotness-of-enthusiastic-consent/

I liked the idea of giving positive consent and it reminded me a little bit of when Addie and I started getting a bit more intimate. It seemed like we were both really quiet when things got more physical and we didn't ever say anything. This bothered both of us. But it's hard to talk about sexual things, so we kind of just let it slip through the sheets until one of us (and I really can't remember if it was me or her) mentioned something about it. We both agreed that we wanted more feedback. We wanted to know what worked, what felt good, what didn't feel good, what could we do better/different/more often???

Once we opened up a line of communication it felt a lot more comfortable to be close in almost every way. We both made an effort to say something as simple as "That felt really good, babe" if we liked it. Or, "Damn you're good at that." One of my favorite's that Addie is so awesome about is telling me that I'm beautiful. I love hearing her say that. She tells me a lot, and I still can't get enough of it.

Rybread wisdom: If you ever get that feeling in your gut telling you to speak up then do it. Especially if it's got to do with the one you love. Just say something. Say it. Your relationship can't go anywhere, can't get any better, can't flourish unless you actually talk about things. It's hard sometimes to bring up sensitive issues, but those are the ones that need to be talked about the most. (Just a note: I joined this blog because of the breaking the silence theme/idea. Probably most of my posts will be about communication in some way. It's that important.)