patriarchy and female homosexual relationships by e

Lately I have been watching a lot of YouTube video's about what it means to be bisexual, pansexual, a lesbian and everything in between.  I have been watching video's on how to tell if a girl has some homosexual tenancies, how to flirt with said girl, and what mainstream lesbians think of bi/pan/queer folk.  And in watching these videos I've realized something: patriarchy is everywhere!

Patriarchy, is defined by Google as a system of society or government in which men hold the power and women are largely excluded from it.  This is particularly troublesome in the girl-girl relationship field.  Girl-boy relationships are predicable, and easy to figure out.  The boy opens the doors, pays for dinner, makes the first move.  But what about girl-girl relationships?  Who takes the lead, who is the initiator?  What if you both are initiators, or passive gals?  Rarely does one find a relationship where one girl is ALWAYS the initiator and one is ALWAYS passive.  It is more likely that they will switch roles, many times throughout the day, let alone the course of the relationship.  It is also more likely that one will find oneself passive at the same time one's girlfriend/love interest is passive and the same goes for initiators.

[I hope that is it not going unnoticed that I am avoiding the use of the word aggressive, which would naturally be the opposite of passive, but I HATE the word aggressive and anything surrounding it.  I also am trying to be very careful not to call girl-girl relationships lesbian relationships, because that implies that all girls in all girl-girl relationships are lesbians.  And that is just as untrue as calling every person in a girl-boy relationship straight.  Though I guess one way around this would be to call the girl-girl relationships homosexual relationships because they are TECHNICALLY homosexual, meaning comprised of two individuals who are of the same gender.  I guess that's what I'll do.]

So how does one navigate the dark and twisty road that is female homosexual relationships, without that oh so comforting blanket of patriarchy to use as a guide?  I should hope that the answer would be obvious: discuss it with your date/girlfriend/partner/_(other similar words)_.  If one is not sure who is paying for dinner, or who is leading in the dance, or who is opening whose door, I purpose talking about it.

Dating is hard, there is no need to make it harder by trying to play a game, or be coy, or any of that nonsense.  And I need to follow my own advice.

workin' the graves with e

So, I'm back on graveyard shifts...yay! But really, I do love graves, as it gives me time to work on school stuff, catch up on Facebook and Netflix as well as my YouTube channels.

Okay, so the updates.  My friend Kevin, the God unto himself and resident Heathen Gayboy of the group we hang out with, has declared that I'm not bi/pan/queer but rather his lesbian other half, who sometimes has straight phases.  So, there's that.  He says this because lately I've been going out with a lot of guys, but the dating pool of women in Small Town, UT, is quite shallow. And polluted by my crazy ex.

I GOT INTO SCHOOL AT KANSAS STATE!! HOORAY!!  I'm a student of the online Master's of Science in Academic Advising program.  I want to work with college students. Or be a farmer.

I'm trying to get a house, which is exciting.  There is a bid pending on one that I really like and I'm hopeful that I'll be moving in by my birthday.

I went to Pride last weekend and had a BLAST! It marked a year since I came out to my ex-(male)-fiance.  I went with two of my friends and walked around looking at everything and it was really great.  Then we went to the local LDS Temple and kissed in front of it.

what else, what else.... I think that's it....  I still want a wife and I'm trying to figure out how to make that happen in the next 10 years or so.... so yeah....

I hope everyone is doing well and shine on!

catching up by e

Hey ya'll. So, what's new in my world... Well I've applied to gradate school at Colorado State, in Student Affairs, and Kansas State, in Academic Advising.  I love college and the college atmosphere and I want to be around it for the rest of my life.  I think that I'll probably stay in Utah and get a posistion at a Utah university because I like the idea of being a non-Mormon, non-straight person that college kids can come to for help.  I want to be that safe space for people; a sounding board that won't judge no matter their choices.

I'm taking on students for horseback riding lessons and that's gonna be fun.  My students range in age from four to 45.  I'm a little nervous because the horses I'm going to use, although quite broke, haven't been ridden as much as I'd like them to be.  So I'm going to be riding a lot this week.

My girl...well things aren't really happening there and I don't know why.  She wants to talk face to face and lately hasn't been texting as much as normal so I'm a bit worried.

That's everything new in my world! How are ya'll?

a weekend get away by e

This coming weekend, my girly is house-sitting for a friend and as invited me to spend some of the nights there with her. I'm so excited that for a weekend, we get to have a place where we can openly show affection!  I'm so excited to hold her hand and cuddle on her during a movie, sneak up behind her and kiss her neck while she is cooking, holding her has we sleep.  To explain how excited I am...there are no words!  EEEKK!!!

the most selfish and brave thing by e

This week's post is about this four minute long clip from the afternoon, American talk show, Ellen: Ellen Page on Coming Out

First off, E's favorite parts and commentary of the clip....
     1:28- Page talks about being trilled to be at a point in her life where she can verbalize it

Coming out is such a personal thing, and it takes being in the right place at the right time.  You have to have the right support system, be in the right type of housing, and have the right kind of job.  Could you imagine losing any one of those things, just for saying that you are not straight or cisgender?  It happens, way too much.

     1:48- DeGeneres talks about coming out being the most selfish thing anyone can do

Coming out puts a lot pressure on those around us to reevaluate the way they see us, the way they talk to us, and the way they talk about us.  It also makes someone reevaluate the ENTIRE way they view not straight and transgender individuals.  Coming out of the closet is selfish because for the most part, it almost entirely only benefits you, but those benefits SOO out weight the costs.  For those of us in the closet anyway.

     2:00- Page talking about her life getting better since coming out

Page talked about feeling less stress, being happier, and everything just generally getting better.  When I first came out, everything seemed so much better, but I wasn't in the right place so things fell through a little bit.

     2:23- DeGeneres talking about how coming out gets rid of the self-shame that comes from being closeted

A million times yes!!  When you are in the closet the shame comes from so many places.  Peer pressure to be out, peer pressure to be in.  Pressure from your internal self to pick which peer pressure to give into.  Self-shame from not being able to choose.  Self-shame from feeling like a horrible person for not being straight.  And coming out, first to yourself and then to others, makes being not straight an okay thing and all of a sudden you have NOTHING to feel shame over! And. It. Feels. AMAZING!!

     3:21- Page talking about getting to be yourself at work, wear what you want and talk about ex's

This is something I wish like hell that I could do, be myself at work. But I'm not that out yet.  I wish that I could be; I wish that I could talk about the people I want to date and why I shaved part of my head, and why I like going to Pride so much that I made getting time off for it a contingency of my returning work when I moved back to Utah.  Getting to be out at work, getting to bring your significant other to work functions and hold their hand...that is the dream I'm working on making a reality right now.

So much that I like happened in this tiny clip alone!! What are your thoughts?

phobia by e

Phobia  noun  an extreme or irrational fear of, or aversion to, something; synonyms: dread, terror, hatred, loathing, revulsion 

When someone has a phobia of something, most people tend to think that it means they are irrationally scared of whatever it is the phobia is about.  Does that mean that people who are homophobic are irrationally scared of homosexuality?  If so, then I feel that homophobia is an inaccurate label for a lot of people; they aren't scared of homosexuality, they hate it.

But why do we hate things? The things we hate tend to be things that we don't understand, or don't like being around.  If this is the case then could education help homophobics overcome their homophobia?  Granted, if someone wants to get over a phobia, they first have to acknowledge that it is, in fact, a phobia and completely irrational.

I just want people to accept me for who I am.  I want to be able to hold my girl's hand in public without people looking at us like we are odd.  I want to be able to cuddle with her at her grandparent's house.  I want to be a normal, twitter patted girl who is in the throws of a crush.

But I can't be and it sucks.

And I sound like a broken record, I know.  And I almost don't care haha

homophobia's destructive power by e

I asked my daddy if he thought that I should be able to marry a woman some day. He avoided the question and told me that nothing could change how much he loved me; that parents love their children no matter if they do something the parents disagree with.  He then told me the story of how his friend, a man who loved his son dearly, had to turn the son into the cops because the son was molesting children.  "And I will love you no matter what you do," my father concluded.  Now maybe I'm being too sensitive, but I think that he compared me marrying a woman to molesting children...

One of my best friends is dating the woman of her dreams but their relationship is under fire from the girlfriend's fundamentalist Christian, homophobic family.  Because of this (and a few other things) the girlfriend is feel TONS and TONS of guilt and their relationship is on the rocks.

I'm involved with a girl.  A beautiful and intelligent girl who is in the closet.  And being with her is kind of hard because of it.  I have to accept her where she is at, I can't force to come out, that would be the worst thing I could do to her.  But I hate that I can't reach across the dinner table at her families house and hold her hand.  We have to sneak outside separately when we want to give each other a good night kiss.

I'm jealous that I can't hold this girl's hand any time I want. I'm jealous of couples that can show their affection publicly.  I want that.  I want to be able to show my affection for this girl any time I want to.  I want to hold her hand, kiss her on the cheek, and give her a hug in front of her family without them freaking out.  Why does homosexual affection freak the fuck out of some people?

i should have known by e

I should have known that I was gayer than the average heterosexual when I saw pictures of girl/girl couples and was jealous.

I should have known that I was gayer than the average heterosexual when I met girl/girl couples and wished I was gay so I could have a girlfriend too.

I should have known that I was gayer than the average heterosexual when I started fantasizing about what a female coworker's fingers could do to me.

I should have known that I was gayer than the average heterosexual when, as my wedding day approached, I started to wish, desperately, that I had kissed a girl so I could know what it was like before I signed my life over to a heterosexual relationship.

I should have known that I was gayer than the average heterosexual.  But I didn't.  I kept pushing these thought back and saying, "If only I was gay then I could do these things I want to."  I don't know why I didn't stop and go, "E, you are having these thoughts and feelings because you like women; stop wishing you did because you do!"

How many years did I waste, relationships I could have had, relationships I could have avoided, because I wasn't willing to be out to myself?  Why did it take me so long before I finally came out to myself? I certainly don't know!  But I do know that I'm now living as a bi/pan, not straight female and am happy.

biphobia, bierasure and the crusade to make me straight or gay by e

I saw a new therapist this week.  He seems like a cool dude; he said "fuck" within 15 minutes of meeting me and sat cross-legged in his office chair.  When I told him that my fiance and I broke up because I liked girls his first response was: "So lesbian?"  I said, "Well, not straight."  He then proceeded to tell me that  he would use "gay" or "lesbian" and just follow myself identification.  It didn't hit me then but has since: bisexual didn't seem to cross his mind.  Bisexual doesn't seem to cross many people's minds as a legitimate form of sexuality.  Maybe because when a bi/pan/queer person couples, they are automatically identified as straight- if they are in a heterosexual relationship- or gay- if they are in a homosexual relationship.  Someone who is bi/pan/queer has to come out as bi, even if they are coupled, lest the aforementioned occur.  The following that are thoughts and ideas that I have heard from people about what THEY think it means to be bisexual or pansexual or anything other than gay or straight. The links go to articles that I have recently read about bisexuality in the media, and my favorite lines from those articles.  I hope you become educated.

 Inaccurate, yet totally believed ideas about what is means to be bi/pan:

• you're indecisive
• you aren't capable of monogamy
• you're lying because: A) you must lean, however slightly, one way or the other; or B) you are just trying to be cool by saying you're a member of a minority population
• if you date opposite sex, you're automatically straight and if you date same sex, you're automatically gay, there is no room for what YOU know you are
• you are just confused about what you want from a relationship
• you can be in a hetero relationship and therefore escape the discrimination, ergo you aren't truly a member of the LBGT community and shouldn't benefit from going to Pride, PFLAG or an LBGT Center
• you're a "sexual tourist"; just sleeping around, having fun, but will settle with into a straight relationship, therefore you aren't worth the time as a serious dating prospect
• bisexuality isn't real

10 Bisexual Celebrities that Everyone Keeps Labeling as Gay or Straight

"....one glaring issue in our culture is bi erasure. All too often, people who call themselves bisexual get hammered into ill-fitting cubbies labeled “straight” and “gay”"

Why Bisexuals Stay in the Closet

"....experts say there is still little known about bisexuals because studies often group them with gay men and lesbians." 

The Scientific Quest to Prove Bisexuality Exists

"Most bisexuals are in convenient opposite-sex relationships and aren’t open about their sexual orientation. Why would you be open, when there is so much biphobia?"

"When Lawrence said that he was bisexual, the man looked at him with a pained face and muttered: “Oh, I wish you’d told me that before. I thought this was a real date.”"

"But in the eyes of many Americans, bisexuality — despite occasional and exaggerated media reports of its chicness — remains a bewildering and potentially invented orientation favored by men in denial about their homosexuality and by women who will inevitably settle down with men."

“They said that bisexuals couldn’t be trusted, that they would inevitably leave you for a man. Had I come out as lesbian, I could have been welcomed with open arms, taken to parties, invited to join the softball team." 

"[Indiana University Researcher Brian Dodge] found that compared with their exclusively homosexual and heterosexual counterparts, bisexuals have reported higher rates of depression, anxiety, substance use, victimization by violence, suicidal ideation and sexual-health concerns." 

Is Bisexual Identity a Useful Fiction?

"Start with the stereotypes: Bi men are often perceived to be gay men with forays into heterosexuality—yet bi women are frequently painted as straight women with forays into homosexuality."

 "....no matter how close bi people move toward a Kinsey 3, society will never allow them to completely shake their purported starting point."

 "....bisexuality, as an identity, is little more than a useful fiction. Don’t believe it. The problem lies not in bisexuality itself, but in the modern bisexual movement, which has failed to articulate a coherent platform beyond its initial goals of recognition."

 Bisexuality: What NYT and Slate Got Wrong

"This is a perfect example of why matters of great significance to bisexuals continue to be covered up and erased -- greater society and the media that represents it continue to emphasize the sexual aspects of bisexuality instead of the difficult, often tragic problems that come with being bisexual, as well as the advancement of the community as a whole."

My momma calls me lucky because I "have the ability to fall in love with anyone."

life goals by e

Lately I have been talking a lot about wanting a girlfriend and dating, mostly because they are the things on my mind.  But it has occurred to me that this blog, for me anyway, is about introducing people to the fact that the "gay agenda" is the same as the "straight agenda"- to live a happy, fulfilling life.  For this reason, I have decided to dedicate today's post to life goals of mine.

Learn to snowboard
Be a member of the Mounted Posse
Get a Master's degree
Have a career that allows me to positively influence the lives of others
Become fluent in ASL
Become proficient in Krav Maga
Attend the Kentucky Derby (yep, the horse race)
Be one half of a functioning, self-sufficient relationship
Own- 100%, no questions asked- my home and land

My life goals are no different than any straight persons, except that I want to marry a woman, not a man.

when one is out and the other is in by e

This is another post about the beautiful blonde that I have a crush on.  We have decided that we are involved with each other, though not to what extent.  I am being monogamous to her, but that is my personal decision.  I don't know if we are just friends-with-benefits, or if we are working our way to being a couple or what, and right now I'm okay with that...a little.  But what I'm afraid of is when/if we decide we are a couple, because she is not out, at all.

I don't know how to deal with dating someone who isn't out.  I've only dated girls who are out, who are willing to hold my hand in public and kiss me in public.  I've never dated someone who isn't willing to do those things and I don't know how to deal with that.

Has anyone who reads here been through this? How did you deal with it?

Girls by E

I like women.  A lot.  And I want a girlfriend.  This is something that I've said before, but it was really driven home for me while I was watching Grey's Anatomy today.  Yes, I watch Grey's Anatomy a lot; it's my story haha

Callie Torres and Arizona Robbins are a couple on this show and watching them interact...it makes me want a girlfriend.  I want to settle down with a woman.  I want to come home and cuddle with a female partner.

But right now my depression kind of rules my life and I need to focus on getting better.  I need to focus on learning to live a productive and happy life.  After I have that part down, I'm going to find myself a beautiful woman and I'm gonna ask her out for dinner.

my coming out by e

My coming out can be summed up in one Youtube video, from my favorite show, found here (please watch it or nothing I write will make a hellva lotta sense)

My whole adult life I had been with men too.  I had liked having sex with them, even enjoyed some of them.  But it wasn't until I kissed a woman, had sex with a woman, fell for a woman, that I felt alive!  That is not to say that men I had been with weren't wonderful, caring, loving men.  They just weren't for me.  The women that I have been with, they have been glasses.

I love women and want a girlfriend.  Whenever I see pictures like this it makes me want to fall in love with a beautiful blue jean femme who loves to work outside, ride horses, read, drink wine, take long bathes, go hiking and camping, has long hair... I want to fall for a beautiful woman and be in love with her and her with me for a long long time.

I am a non-straight, bi-pan-queer female who wants a girlfriend.  Maybe I'm not ready for her right now, but I want to meet her someday, when we are both ready.

living out by e

I've been afraid of my roommate finding out that I'm not straight, so I try not to link my blog to my Facebook, and I try not to say anything "too gay" around her.  Well today, while watching Erica Hahn and Callie Torres make out on Grey's Anatomy, and cheering at the touchdown (side note: I love that the narrator mentions "Which team are you batting for" right as they kiss hahaha), my roommate asked me, "Are you bi?" For a second I thought that I had misunderstood her, so I pointed at myself and asked, "Me?"  She nodded.

For a split second, the world stopped and I thought of 100 different outcomes.  She could take it well.  She could freak out.  She could run and hide.  She could kick me out.  She could take it well THEN freak out.  But I am SICK of living in the stupid musty closet.

So I nodded.  That's all I did, I nodded.  She smiled and said, "That's cool.  I'm not freaked out or anything.  My bestfriend, not *****, but another one, she's bi.  I think a lot of people are bi these days, like it's the cool thing to do."  I laughed and said, "Yeah, I've got a theory about that." And told her how I think that VERY few people are a solid 0 or a solid 6, that almost everyone, under the right circumstances and with the right person, could go either way.

So now I'm out of the closet. Again.  The only person I was worried about finding out has found out and hopefully everything will work out okay.  So here's to hoping! *raises flagon, then chugs*

my mask by e

That poem is entitled Masks. How many times we might have passed someone else with blue skin, but because we were too ashamed, or scared of rejection, we didn't know it.  How many connections, loves, affairs, relationships have been missed because we wore our mask.  How many times have good things passed me by because I was too scared to let my true self show.

I can understand the desire to live with the mask firmly in place.  It is easier to accept rejection if I can say, "They don't really know me, they only see the me I want them to."  But I can also understand the desire to live with the mask in the garbage can, thrown away so that the true me shines through.

My mask is that of a straight girl, who studies a lot, and reads a little for fun.  My mask likes to work out, and smoke and drink.  My mask doesn't know too much about music or movies or authors or composers.  My mask tries to blend in.

The girl behind my mask love to look at men and women.  The real me loves to read for fun and to listen to Gershwin and Vivaldi while blogging.  The real me is head over heels for a man named Isaac and want to date a woman named Macy.  The real me doesn't want kids, only horses and cats. Maybe a dog or two.  The real me wants a nose ring, a tattoo behind her ear, tattoos on both wrists and tattoos down both legs.  The real me hates small talk and wanted to be told everything straight, just like it is, no sugar coating.

But what about making people feel uncomfortable? Sometime, the true me- the bi-pan-queer, horse loving, Whedon'ite- overwhelms and frightens people; especially the bi-pan-queer part.  So how do I live: with the mask off or the mask on?  Or should I buy an opera mask and only show part of my face?

both ways by E

I was back in Small Town, Utah, for the weekend and just happened to get to spend Valentine's with a man I have been crushing on quite intensely. I stumbled, love drunk, through the door of my parent's house and excitedly told my momma that finally, after five months of chasing this fellow, I spent the night in bed with him.  Her response was quite unexpected: "You really can go both ways, can't you?"  And that got me thinking.

Yes, I think I can go both ways, though I definitely have preferences.  When it comes to being in relationships I would rather be with a woman.  Something about cuddling with a woman and baring my soul to her...the idea of a girlfriend, of a wife, makes me very happy.  But right now, I am lusting after a man.  Just one man.  Well...maybe two, but the second is Tom Hiddleston and I don't have a shot in hell with a movie star!

What does it mean to be able to go both ways? Is there such a thing as a perfect split or is there always going to be a preference of one over the other?  These are things I wonder as I lay in the dark, watching the firelight from my candle dance around the ceiling.

My research has led me to believe that sexuality is fluid, to a point.  Especially for bi-pan-queer.  I just don't know my extremes yet, what I fluctuate between. And that is a point of interest for me.  I'll figure it out some day.

"She's as straight as they come" by E

A one-act, true story starring me (Liz), my female roommate (B), and my roommate's boyfriend (R)

R: Who else is there?
B: Liz, my roommate.
R: Lizzie the Lezzie?
B: god no! Trust me, she's as straight as they come!
Me: *snort* *cough* bwahahaha

perception by E

I am a cisgender female, which means that I am a female by sex and I identify as a female.  In short, I'm a girl.  I prefer female pronouns, like her and she, and I like to look like a girl. But I don't have a very elaborate or fancy wardrobe.  I am also not a girly-girl.  I'm allergic to make-up and hair styling products and even if I wasn't, I think there are better things to do with my time, like read.  But lately I have been afraid that I have been coming across as boy'ish, or dykie.

I wear boots and jeans and old thrift store sweaters.  My hair is almost always in a braid or ponytail, and stuffed under a hat of some kind.  I was told the other day that I come off as the dominant one in a relationship.

I don't want to be the dominant one, I want there to be a trade off between me and my girl, or boy.  I don't want to come off as a dyke... I want to be seen as femme, maybe blue jean femme at the least.  But how do I do that?  Should I invest in better clothes?  Should I find make-up that I am not allergic to?

But what about my already stretched budget?

Money sucks.  And so does figuring yourself out...that sucks too :(

Oh well! What can I do to figure out how to make my outsides look the way my insides feel?

how far we've come by E

At my new school, I joined the equivalent of the gay/straight alliance. At a recent meeting we were challenged to get in touch with our roots and read books about the history of the Gay Rights Movement.  Being a poor college student, but intrigued, I downloaded a bunch of samples from books like Making Gay History and A Queer History of the United States.

I really enjoyed these samples and both of the books I've named are now on my "Book to Purchase When I Have Money" list.  And even though these samples were only 10% of the book, they did offer me one really good insight: we have come a long way.

Lately my home-state of Utah has been battling against recognizing same sex marriage and it has been incredibly disheartening.  Moving to Wyoming has put me back in the closet as it were, because I am now faced with the "do I, don't I," question of coming out to my roommate and the new people that I meet.  Hearing anti-gay sentiment from people that I meet, reading about it in the newspaper... it makes me wonder if this is a battle worth fighting, if this is the mountain I want to die on.  I ask myself, "Will being homosexual ever be okay with the majority of people? Will my relationship with a woman ever be federally recognized, and state-transferable?"  I bitch and I moan about how much farther we have to go.  But then I read those samples.

Did you know that in the '50's, if you were even SUSPECTED of being gay, you couldn't get a teaching license in the state of California? Or that sending anything that mentioned anything remotely homosexual, like relationship advice, through the mail was a federal offense?  That men would go to lesbian bars, sexually assault the women and when accused would say "But they are gay, you can't rape a gay woman"?  That you could go to an asylum if it was confirmed that you were gay?  Being gay was considered a treatable, mental illness until the '70's.  Now that is disheartening.

Comparing these things- where we are now and where we were 60 years ago- we are in the last few miles of an ultramarathon that has been hundreds of miles long.

In therapy, one of the things I have been told a lot is that reframing is a good thing.  That is, rather than looking at the situation and thinking, "but look at all that is left to do", look at a situation and think, "look at all I have done".  We may have a ways left to go, but look how far we've come.

dichotomy and why it sucks by E

When someone walks on both sides of the road, like I do, you have the capacity to be attracted to both men and women.  For this reason, though it may not be possible to choose to fall in love with someone of the same sex, it is possible to choose, however hard, to be in a homosexual relationship.  And lots of people see this as CHOOSING to be gay.  But I am not gay, I'm pansexual. Being in a relationship with a woman doesn't make me a gay anymore than dating a man makes me straight.

People like me, the bi-pan-queer crowd, tend to get pounded by both Kinsey 6's and 0's, being told to "just pick a side".  It was pointed out to me that my existence as someone who is attracted to both "debunks" the theory that people are born gay, that people can't choose.  Because if someone can be attracted to both, then they should just choose to conform to society and be "straight".

So the question right now is: do I attempt to shirk my attraction to women and be "straight" or do I shirk my attraction to men and be "gay"?  Or do I find other bi-pan-queer people and rock my duality?