phobia by e

Phobia  noun  an extreme or irrational fear of, or aversion to, something; synonyms: dread, terror, hatred, loathing, revulsion 

When someone has a phobia of something, most people tend to think that it means they are irrationally scared of whatever it is the phobia is about.  Does that mean that people who are homophobic are irrationally scared of homosexuality?  If so, then I feel that homophobia is an inaccurate label for a lot of people; they aren't scared of homosexuality, they hate it.

But why do we hate things? The things we hate tend to be things that we don't understand, or don't like being around.  If this is the case then could education help homophobics overcome their homophobia?  Granted, if someone wants to get over a phobia, they first have to acknowledge that it is, in fact, a phobia and completely irrational.

I just want people to accept me for who I am.  I want to be able to hold my girl's hand in public without people looking at us like we are odd.  I want to be able to cuddle with her at her grandparent's house.  I want to be a normal, twitter patted girl who is in the throws of a crush.

But I can't be and it sucks.

And I sound like a broken record, I know.  And I almost don't care haha

homophobia's destructive power by e

I asked my daddy if he thought that I should be able to marry a woman some day. He avoided the question and told me that nothing could change how much he loved me; that parents love their children no matter if they do something the parents disagree with.  He then told me the story of how his friend, a man who loved his son dearly, had to turn the son into the cops because the son was molesting children.  "And I will love you no matter what you do," my father concluded.  Now maybe I'm being too sensitive, but I think that he compared me marrying a woman to molesting children...

One of my best friends is dating the woman of her dreams but their relationship is under fire from the girlfriend's fundamentalist Christian, homophobic family.  Because of this (and a few other things) the girlfriend is feel TONS and TONS of guilt and their relationship is on the rocks.

I'm involved with a girl.  A beautiful and intelligent girl who is in the closet.  And being with her is kind of hard because of it.  I have to accept her where she is at, I can't force to come out, that would be the worst thing I could do to her.  But I hate that I can't reach across the dinner table at her families house and hold her hand.  We have to sneak outside separately when we want to give each other a good night kiss.

I'm jealous that I can't hold this girl's hand any time I want. I'm jealous of couples that can show their affection publicly.  I want that.  I want to be able to show my affection for this girl any time I want to.  I want to hold her hand, kiss her on the cheek, and give her a hug in front of her family without them freaking out.  Why does homosexual affection freak the fuck out of some people?

living out by e

I've been afraid of my roommate finding out that I'm not straight, so I try not to link my blog to my Facebook, and I try not to say anything "too gay" around her.  Well today, while watching Erica Hahn and Callie Torres make out on Grey's Anatomy, and cheering at the touchdown (side note: I love that the narrator mentions "Which team are you batting for" right as they kiss hahaha), my roommate asked me, "Are you bi?" For a second I thought that I had misunderstood her, so I pointed at myself and asked, "Me?"  She nodded.

For a split second, the world stopped and I thought of 100 different outcomes.  She could take it well.  She could freak out.  She could run and hide.  She could kick me out.  She could take it well THEN freak out.  But I am SICK of living in the stupid musty closet.

So I nodded.  That's all I did, I nodded.  She smiled and said, "That's cool.  I'm not freaked out or anything.  My bestfriend, not *****, but another one, she's bi.  I think a lot of people are bi these days, like it's the cool thing to do."  I laughed and said, "Yeah, I've got a theory about that." And told her how I think that VERY few people are a solid 0 or a solid 6, that almost everyone, under the right circumstances and with the right person, could go either way.

So now I'm out of the closet. Again.  The only person I was worried about finding out has found out and hopefully everything will work out okay.  So here's to hoping! *raises flagon, then chugs*

dichotomy and why it sucks by E

When someone walks on both sides of the road, like I do, you have the capacity to be attracted to both men and women.  For this reason, though it may not be possible to choose to fall in love with someone of the same sex, it is possible to choose, however hard, to be in a homosexual relationship.  And lots of people see this as CHOOSING to be gay.  But I am not gay, I'm pansexual. Being in a relationship with a woman doesn't make me a gay anymore than dating a man makes me straight.

People like me, the bi-pan-queer crowd, tend to get pounded by both Kinsey 6's and 0's, being told to "just pick a side".  It was pointed out to me that my existence as someone who is attracted to both "debunks" the theory that people are born gay, that people can't choose.  Because if someone can be attracted to both, then they should just choose to conform to society and be "straight".

So the question right now is: do I attempt to shirk my attraction to women and be "straight" or do I shirk my attraction to men and be "gay"?  Or do I find other bi-pan-queer people and rock my duality?

Pride and Marriage and Homophobia - Oh My!

Your boy Ryan is exhausted.

So much has happened this past week. So many things I’m trying to make sense of.

San Francisco Pride was yesterday. And as many flocked to the city to participate in the festivities, I remained inside my air-conditioned home, avoiding the heat and flocks of people. I am grateful for spaces like pride festivals and see the good and potential they have to be powerful spaces. My feelings can be adequately summed up by this cartoon:

The turn-out to pride festivals, especially among heterosexual "allies," alway surprises me. I would love to know where these “allies” can be reached the other 364 days of the year, while my community works on projects to address homelessness among LGBTQ identified youth, as well as issues of homophobia, harassment, and violence. It’s also important to remember that many individuals choose not to come out about their sexual or gender identity as a matter of pure safety and survival. That for many years, as a closeted teenager, I myself looked onto pride festivals and wondered if I would ever get to participate in them, if it would ever be safe for me to do so, and how would I even get to the point where I could. When are we going to address this problem?

But perhaps I forgot an important part of the puzzle: for pride festivals to include these things, people need to be present to make sure they’re included. In other words, for issues that I want to be represented, I should ensure that they are. And moreover, my own self and life journey need to be celebrated every now and then. I can certainly critique pride festivals and work towards more inclusive spaces, without having to completely withdraw from them.

A pride festival this year without marriage equality as a key focus was inescapable, as the Supreme Court struck down DOMA and California’s Prop 8 on Wednesday. I knew the equal signs of the Human Rights Campaign would be plentiful throughout this year’s pride.

These decisions are historic and celebratory for those who will now be able to access marriage and its benefits. When the Supreme Court undertook these cases back in March, I wrote about my feelings on same-sex marriage. 

And to this day, they remain the same.

The magnitude of these decisions is large. But to be honest, some individuals within the LGBTQ community, including me, are not even thinking about marriage at this point in our lives. This ruling does not address the fact that I am still called “fag” while innocently walking the streets where I live. This ruling did not address the persecution many LGBTQ and religiously identified individuals face within their churches. If anything, The Church’s response to the rulings shows how that opposition has only strengthened. The list of inequalities and unfairness goes on and on. This ruling did address assimilation into social norms, specifically heterosexual social norms, as a way to obtain privileges and benefits that maybe should not be available solely through marriage. While marriage is a great opportunity, it won’t mean much if people are dead and unable to enjoy it. This spoken word piece addresses that:

Despite this ruling, many have assured me (especially “allies”) that this is a great step for my community, and an initial way for people to come around to eventual acceptance. But is it?

Amid my worries with pride and the hype of the Supreme Court rulings, I missed quite a bit in pop culture. If you’re like me, and have missed the Alec Baldwin Twitter controversy, catch up here. 

Baldwin was quickly reprimanded for his “homophobic” tweets. While I don’t invalidate these claims, I notice how easily things are labeled homophobic, and only homophobic. This excludes the gender, racial, and hierarchal issues at the center of many of these instances. In the case of Baldwin, the word queen refers to matriarchy and femininity, used derogatorily to demasculinize the reporter. And femininity is enforced here as a bad thing. Thus, the use of “queen” incorporates a gendered element necessary for discussion, as femininity is seen and deployed as an insult.

What did strike me about Baldwin’s statement, however, was his apology. In it, he claimed to have “done political work with marriage equality groups and insists he wouldn't advocate violence against someone for being gay.”

It’s ironic how this apology utilizes marriage equality as a way to denounce hatred towards gays. But the point remains that Baldwin’s remarks are seen as offensive towards members of the LGBTQ community and, based on my breakdown before, to femininity as a whole. Can we really say, now, that the prevalence of same-sex marriage is going to solve the LGBTQ community’s various struggles? These supporters of same-sex marriage, who claim to be or allies, still perpetuate many harmful issues for our community, that are we really moving forward? Are we really closer to changing people’s minds?

That’s it. I don’t do pride, I don’t do marriage, and I don’t do homophobia. And behind all these beliefs is this thought: am I a bad gay? Is there something wrong with me that I can’t enjoy a pride festival? Or be excited about marriage? Or ride someone’s comments off as purely homophobic? I think it means I’m just unwilling to drink to the Kool-Aid anymore that others keep trying to feed me. And that’s fine. That can be prideful. That can be relationship-material. And that can combat societal ills.