A Weekend aLAy

Every episode of MTV’s The Hills depicts Los Angeles, California as the city where dreams come true. But even in my wildest dreams, I could not have imagined the weekend I had. If someone had told me I would have left LA trying sushi for the first time (and enjoying it!) and having attended a party at a phat pad in the Hollywood Hills overlooking Sunset Boulevard, I would have lol-ed. As it turns out, the joke is on me.

Before this past weekend, the extent of my LA experience has been...non-existent. Living in the SF Bay Area, there's no real point in traveling down south when you live in the greatest region ever all my needs and desires are met in the North.

But the city kept beckoning. And I finally answered the call.

Upon arriving, my astonished speechlessness and jaw on the ground hindered a proper greeting to LA, as I instantly became a fangirl of this new environment. Once that subsided, I was able to better analyze my surroundings. What did I observe?

Traffic. I completely understated the severity and affect this had on anything I wanted to do. "What's the quickest way?" and "How long with traffic?" became the 2 most FAQs of the weekend.

 Style. Sitting in a music themed barbershop, with posters ranging from The Beatles to Avril Lavigne covering the walls, affirmed the totally cool and totally hip trends of the region, musically and dermatologically.

 Heat. Okseriouslywhyisitsofreakinghot. Although I was prepared to leave behind the chilly beachside weather of Santa Barbara for the weekend, I was not ready for the hot inland that awaited me. 

Bodies. "Are people so bored that they get abs like that? Get a life!" "I wanna feed half of this city." 

Thinness. The prevalence of extreme thinness couldn’t be ignored. What also couldn’t be ignored, however, were the numerous places to eat at. Could this body type be indicative of the beauty standards and culture? Or maybe it's a sign that Umami should lower the price of their $11 burgers?

But the premiere event of the weekend was seeing Marina and the Diamonds live in concert. Joined by flocks of preteen girls and gay hipsters, my eardrums were treated to one of the best shows I've been to in a while. I featured a Marina song in my list of favorite songs from 2012, but I'm going to post another song, "Power and Control," so that my love of Marina is made evident.

(Note: screaming the lyrics and my hysterical shouts of praise during the song scared not only the people around me away, but also my voice away. Well worth it though). 

There you have it. Traffic, style, heat, bodies, and thinness. And Marina. My weekend in LA was one to remember, and I look forward to the day when I can return back. Apart from feeling completely out of place for saying “hella,” I developed a strange love for LA, and discovered there’s enough room in California for the Bay Area and LA to coexist. And what do the residents of LA think if you hate on their city? "Suck my strap-on."

Age, in Boy Scouts and in Love

Seeing as how my brain is preoccupied with a 10 page paper at the moment (on the topic of an analysis of a social network, which I know nothing about), I have two small in size, but big in significance, contributions to make up a meager post this week:

1. “Progress” at the expense of others is not true progress. The progress that I aspire towards seeks to leave no one behind in social movements, while addressing systematic and institutionalized inequalities. I’ve spoken about how the first female prayer at last General Conference overshadowed harmful addresses like the tolerance trap that discriminated against LGBT members. Many argue that such addresses don’t explicitly mention that’s what it’s about, but I don’t have to explicitly state my eyes are blue to get the point across…

This week, I applied my conception of progress to the Boy Scout of America’s announcement of a shift in policy. Whereas the organization previously debated about the inclusion of gay members, BSA has sought to lift the ban on gay youth, but continue it for gay leaders. This decision does nothing to eliminate the homophobia, discrimination, and the hierarchy/privilege allotted to heterosexual men in the organization. These issues remain with the continued exclusion of gay leaders, not to mention the men that are left behind as people continue to focus exclusively on one demographic (in this case, young boys) and hail this as “progress.” The cause and narrative of adult gay men gets lost, and the social movement we’re in suffers fractures.

2. This song. Has been on repeat. I may or may not have cried listening to it. And I can’t wait for The Great Gatsby to come out. 

Monday Bluuuuuuuuuues, I’m Gonna Getcha Good

There are two women who stole the heart of my childhood self: Leann Rimes and Shania Twain. And while the 4 year old me self-identified with Rimes’ "Blue" (or at least her ability to hold the note), it was evident to everyone that I connected most with Twain. Indeed, her cassette tape (90s child and proud of it) Come on Over was on constant repeat in my mom’s car. “Honey I’m Home” became the first song I recall enjoying in its entirety. It is no wonder that my love for all things Shania has lasted through the years. But it was only this morning that I truly understood how long Shania and I have lasted.

I will not pretend like it is easy for me when my exes move on and meet someone else. Thanks to Facebook and being an active social creature, I have been around long enough to witness every ex boyfriend, date, crush, and hookup move on to someone else. And the majority of these exes share one thing in common: they move on to something bigger and better, or at least more serious and long lasting. The trend has not been broken with a recent ex, who mentioned to me the idea of us turning serious a mere month ago. But to log on to Facebook last night and see his status as in a relationship with some other guy was upsetting, to say the least. Cue feelings of inferiority and emo-ness, and preparations for a life as an old cat lady.

When I awoke this morning, I felt no different, until I decided it would be best to blast some Shania on the way to school. Indeed, Ms. Twain (and more importantly the shuffle feature on my iPhone) blessed me with “Today is Your Day,” her most recent (and not well known) track from 2011. What burst through my earbuds was this:

“You just gotta make up your mind//That today is your day”

In that moment, I realized it was up to me to turn my mood around. I could allow other people and events that do not involve me to bring me down, or I could choose to make the most of the day I had been given. Soon after that decision, I realized something even bigger: just because two people are labeling themselves on Facebook as in a relationship, does not mean that it fits my schema of what I want in a relationship. It does not indicate that their bond will be as fulfilling, gratifying, or solidified as the one I aspire to have. Therefore, when I get envious of others, I cannot say I’m envious of their relationship, nor can I let it affect me and deem me fundamentally unable to ever fulfill the role of a boyfriend for someone, somewhere.

Seems like Shania is still the one I run to…

Soundtrack to 2012

I look forward to the end of the year for one main reason: compiling a playlist of the year’s best songs. And while I would love to share that entire playlist, 187 songs and descriptions of them would make an incredibly long, and tiresome, post. Instead, here are 10 highlights for me from 2012, in no particular order.

1. "Cuckoo" – Adam Lambert

As a proud Glambert, I was elated when Trespassing came out, and even more elated to see Adam perform “Cuckoo” at an outdoors summer concert. 2012 only cemented my allegiance to him.

2. "Leave My Body" – Florence + the Machine

I had the privilege of seeing Florence + the Machine perform live in April. And when the goddess-like Florence Welch sang this song…chills.

3. "Forrest Gump" – Frank Ocean

Coming out on Tumblr, releasing the epic Channel Orange, and receiving six Grammy nominations? It’s been a pretty good year for Mr. Ocean.

4. "One Foot" – Fun.

“I put one foot in front of the other one/I don’t need a new love or a new life/Just a better place to die”

5. "Part of Me" – Katy Perry

(I was gonna put a line or two from this song, but I ended up wanting to put all the lyrics lol).

6. "National Anthem" – Lana Del Rey

Lana Del Rey was a staple for me throughout 2012. Her album Born to Die has some of the most plays in my iTunes library. And while some tracks have come in and out of fads, “National Anthem” has consistently been a favorite of mine.

7. "Bad Girls" – M.I.A.

Banging beat. Empowering lyrics. Dope music video. Greatness achieved.

8. "Same Love" – Macklemore and Ryan Lewis

This pro gay anthem that went viral in fall thrust Macklemore and producer Ryan Lewis into mainstream pop culture. The rest of their album, The Heist, does not disappoint fans.

9. "Fear and Loathing" – Marina and the Diamonds

“There is no crime in being kind/Not everyone is out to screw you over/ Maybe, oh just maybe, they just wanna get to know you.”

10. "Disparate Youth" – Santigold

“Now we push right past to find out/Oh, how to win what they all lost/We know now we want more/A life worth fighting for”                                                           

And of course, Demi Lovato, Imagine Dragons, and Nicki Minaj must be thanked for their contributions to 2012. 

Dear Young Girls, Find Love or Fail at Life. Best, Society.

It is a chilly November evening. You bundle up, fashion your scarf into the best Parisian knot possible, slip into your favorite loafers, and head out the door. You decide to grace the local Vons with your presence, strolling down each aisle with your friends in pursuit of food for your bare apartment. After the fruitful journey and success in avoiding buying anything from the dessert aisle, you reach the checkout stand, only to have this glaring you down:

(Image courtesy of Us Weekly Magazine)

Goodbye lovely evening, hello anger.

Taylor Swift is a popular country/pop singer. She burst onto the music scene in 2006 at the tender of age of 17, and America is still watching her grow up at the current age of 22. To today’s generation, she is what Shania Twain was to the 1990s. Most prominent about Swift is her huge fan base of teenaged girls. The tone of this Us Weekly cover was too shameful and negative for me to tune out. I was concerned about the labels stamped upon Swift and what it said not just about her dating life, but also her as a person. Most of all, I worried about what message this sent to her young female fans.

Upon first glancing at the cover, “why she can’t find love” stands out in its big, bold font. This simple phrase carries with it many heavy connotations. For one, it speaks to societal expectations set forth for women, a concept Deborah Tolman covers in her book “Dilemmas of Desire.” It has become socially expected for women to be in pursuit of love and achieving that accomplishment, rather than have casual relationships or sexual encounters. The line “why she can’t find love” endorses the idea that in order to be successful, girls need to find love. Moreover, it shames Swift for dating so many men and being unable to “find love” with any of them, suggesting that she is failing or doing something wrong. Both lines of thinking couldn’t be more harmful to young girls and women.

Swift’s perceived failure is echoed in the cover’s mentioning of how she “repeats the same mistakes.” This gets readers to believe that in her relationships, Swift is doing something wrong. In reality, what does Us Weekly, or any consumers of popular culture, actually know what goes on between two celebrities outside of the spotlight and behind closed doors? Moreover, “repeats the same mistakes” echoes earlier ideas that something is wrong with Swift. It suggests she is continually doing wrong and unable to change her ways, forever doomed in not being able to achieve love. While the cover deems her dating methods wrong, the cover hints that there’s something even more wrong with Swift internally and being unable to find love. Who’s to say that Swift wasn’t able to find what she wanted with any of the men she’s dated, or vice versa?

It is no secret that Taylor Swift’s dating life has been highlighted in the public spotlight. Paparazzi have detailed the many guys she dates, and her breakups are popular subjects of songs she writes. Fame and being a celebrity depletes Swift’s chances of what the average person has for a relationship; the demanding career of a celebrity and the lack of privacy are crippling issues in a relationship, such that a “normal relationship” may not be a reasonable expectation. And while she has dated men that I may not have, it’s ultimately her life and her lessons in love that she needs to learn for herself. Who are we to condemn her for just trying to date and discover what she likes and needs in a partner? I find it more ludicrous that Swift, at the incredibly young age of 22, is already being pressured to find her true love. Many are still trying to grow, figure out who they are as individuals, and assimilate into the adult world at 22. For these people, how is it reasonable to keep and sustain a long lasting relationship when they’re not even sure where life’s journey will take them?  

While the cover of Us Weekly was unflattering for Taylor Swift, my primary concern is for her young female fan base and women in general. The cover did nothing but shame Swift for her dating life and stigmatize her, making it seem like something is wrong with her. This sends out a negative message to women that one must achieve love in order to be successful, and failing to do so means there is something wrong with oneself. I even felt insecure about my own dating from seeing this cover. In reality, finding love and being able to keep it is a difficult aspect of life that few are able to accomplish. All of us, men and women, should focus on establishing the best version of ourselves as individuals, and let the chips fall where they may. And at all costs, never let a gossip magazine judge, shame, or reduce us as people.

(My current favorite song of Taylor Swift, from her recently released album “Red.”)

“I've been spending the last 8 months/Thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end/But on a Wednesday in a cafe, I watched it begin again.”

Optimism in the Most Pessimistic of Places

I blame the radio for most of my embarrassing interests in music. While I’ve never been a huge fan of Coldplay, their latest album, 2011’s Mylo Xyloto, was a must buy after I fell in love with each of the album’s singles. My favorite? “Paradise.” While the radio continues to seduce and mesmerize listeners with overplayed crap, this song is a rare gem. Take a moment and listen to this song below.

While this song has been out since fall of last year, my obsession with it didn’t begin until spring of this year, when I began to think very cynically about life, love, and the world I live in. The lines “When she was just a girl/She expected the world/But it flew away from her reach” captured my pessimism and expressed it in a way I could not. As I began listening to this song daily, I always found it depressing, a downer of a tune with no hope whatsoever. And that corresponded with my mood and ideologies perfectly.

A few months, a breakup, and one downward spiral later, I still find myself attracted to this song, and it’s only getting stronger. But last night, at perhaps my lowest point, I was shocked to realize the song that once sponsored my pessimistic self would also restore my optimism and joy. As I slept, the song burst through my earbuds with a new message that was foreign to my ears: “So lying underneath those stormy skies/She said oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh/I know the sun must set to rise/This could be para- para- paradise.”

Upon hearing those lines, I could not help but grin as the fog of my depressed mood cleared. I realized that although my life will be filled with low points and trials, they will all clear and I will be able to go on with my life. As Robert H. Schuller said, “Tough times never last, but tough people do.” I may not be able to influence the conditions and events that life establishes, but I can control how I respond and act while waiting out the storm. This life could be paradise…if I choose to make it so.

Good on you, Coldplay. Thank you for teaching me a valuable, and uplifting, lesson. 

Both Sides Now

Hi bloggers.
So, it's been decided that I will be around for a while now.
Back as a regular Sunday blogger.

Since I've graduated from BYU I'm now free to think and say what I want, so I've made a few more videos on my channel "Both Sides Now: Mormon and Lesbian"


First of all: I GRADUATED FROM BYU!!!!!





Second: No Longer Mormon





Third (because I know you wanted the next one since I mentioned it in the last one):
Losing My Religion--Stages of Grief




I encourage you all to actually watch these on YouTube and to post comments (because I would feel so validated to have comments--encouraging or otherwise). Also, stay tuned for more vids to come. You'll definitely want to see the ones that happen in July :)

~live your own truth~