Monday Bluuuuuuuuuues, I’m Gonna Getcha Good

There are two women who stole the heart of my childhood self: Leann Rimes and Shania Twain. And while the 4 year old me self-identified with Rimes’ "Blue" (or at least her ability to hold the note), it was evident to everyone that I connected most with Twain. Indeed, her cassette tape (90s child and proud of it) Come on Over was on constant repeat in my mom’s car. “Honey I’m Home” became the first song I recall enjoying in its entirety. It is no wonder that my love for all things Shania has lasted through the years. But it was only this morning that I truly understood how long Shania and I have lasted.

I will not pretend like it is easy for me when my exes move on and meet someone else. Thanks to Facebook and being an active social creature, I have been around long enough to witness every ex boyfriend, date, crush, and hookup move on to someone else. And the majority of these exes share one thing in common: they move on to something bigger and better, or at least more serious and long lasting. The trend has not been broken with a recent ex, who mentioned to me the idea of us turning serious a mere month ago. But to log on to Facebook last night and see his status as in a relationship with some other guy was upsetting, to say the least. Cue feelings of inferiority and emo-ness, and preparations for a life as an old cat lady.

When I awoke this morning, I felt no different, until I decided it would be best to blast some Shania on the way to school. Indeed, Ms. Twain (and more importantly the shuffle feature on my iPhone) blessed me with “Today is Your Day,” her most recent (and not well known) track from 2011. What burst through my earbuds was this:

“You just gotta make up your mind//That today is your day”

In that moment, I realized it was up to me to turn my mood around. I could allow other people and events that do not involve me to bring me down, or I could choose to make the most of the day I had been given. Soon after that decision, I realized something even bigger: just because two people are labeling themselves on Facebook as in a relationship, does not mean that it fits my schema of what I want in a relationship. It does not indicate that their bond will be as fulfilling, gratifying, or solidified as the one I aspire to have. Therefore, when I get envious of others, I cannot say I’m envious of their relationship, nor can I let it affect me and deem me fundamentally unable to ever fulfill the role of a boyfriend for someone, somewhere.

Seems like Shania is still the one I run to…

Lyrics For The Soul

To fight depression I generally fall back on two things: image sharing sites such as Tumblr and IMGfave or/and listening to music. While trying to fight off another attack this afternoon I plugged in my headphones and booted up my Tumblr. I think the reason I fall back onto both of these is the idea of resonance. Listening to lyrics or reading a quote that seem like they are speaking exactly to my situation helps me to believe I’m not alone. It’s a terribly selfish notion considering I shouldn’t wish this on anyone, but I delight in finding people who are struggling like me.

So to remember these lyrics that I liked I started a list in my journal titled Lyrics For The Soul. Unfortunately I ignored it for a few good months but I’ve been trying to update it more. Anyways… here are some of my lyrics:

This was no accident; this was a therapeutic chain of events.

The path to Heaven leads through miles of crowded hell.

First thought when I wake up is my God he’s beautiful, so I put on my makeup and pray for a miracle.

Grab someone sexy.

You can’t choose what stays and what fades away. 

You are the hole in my head, you are the space in my bed, you are the silence in between what I thought and what I said. 

Would you leave me if I told you what I’ve done, and would you need me if I told you what I’ve become? Because it’s so easy to say it to a crowd but it’s so hard, my love, to say it to you now.

I don’t know what to do with you because you don’t know what you do to me.

If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy I could have won.

And if you are so God damn naïve say a prayer for me.

The preacher man said Jesus saves if we walk this way.

Maybe we’re friends, maybe we’re more, maybe it’s just my imagination but I see you stare just a little too long and it makes me start to wonder.

Do not ask the price I’ve paid I must live with my quiet rage. Tame the ghosts in my head that run wild and wish me dead. Should you shake my ash to the wind, Lord forget all my sins. Oh, let me die where I lie beneath the curse of my lover’s eyes. 

Cause there is no drink or drug I’ve tried to rid the curse of my lover’s eyes. And I feel numb beneath your tongue, your strength just makes me feel less strong.

I let Satan inside of me and now I’m dammed for eternity and he’ll come for you next so stay the hell away from me. 

And they don’t understand what I mean when I say I paid the fee, so keep the Lord to you and leave the Devil to me.

Did you even miss me? Did you even notice I was gone? Did you even think to look in the last place you saw me? Or are you already moving on?

I don’t have a choice but I still choose you. 

I don’t love you but I always will.

I wish I was strong enough to lift, not one, but the both of us.

After all these things are done, I think I love you better now.

A loveless romantic, all that he really wants is someone to want him back.

We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl.

I’m not good at talking but I’ll sing you lullabies.

I never said I’d be anything but bad to you; your perception of me was always skewed.

Have you heard, Hummingbird, he’s happy without me. Did I fail nightingale if I’m still lonely? 

There’ll be no comfort in the shade of the shadows thrown but I’d be yours if you’d be mine.