patriarchy and female homosexual relationships by e

Lately I have been watching a lot of YouTube video's about what it means to be bisexual, pansexual, a lesbian and everything in between.  I have been watching video's on how to tell if a girl has some homosexual tenancies, how to flirt with said girl, and what mainstream lesbians think of bi/pan/queer folk.  And in watching these videos I've realized something: patriarchy is everywhere!

Patriarchy, is defined by Google as a system of society or government in which men hold the power and women are largely excluded from it.  This is particularly troublesome in the girl-girl relationship field.  Girl-boy relationships are predicable, and easy to figure out.  The boy opens the doors, pays for dinner, makes the first move.  But what about girl-girl relationships?  Who takes the lead, who is the initiator?  What if you both are initiators, or passive gals?  Rarely does one find a relationship where one girl is ALWAYS the initiator and one is ALWAYS passive.  It is more likely that they will switch roles, many times throughout the day, let alone the course of the relationship.  It is also more likely that one will find oneself passive at the same time one's girlfriend/love interest is passive and the same goes for initiators.

[I hope that is it not going unnoticed that I am avoiding the use of the word aggressive, which would naturally be the opposite of passive, but I HATE the word aggressive and anything surrounding it.  I also am trying to be very careful not to call girl-girl relationships lesbian relationships, because that implies that all girls in all girl-girl relationships are lesbians.  And that is just as untrue as calling every person in a girl-boy relationship straight.  Though I guess one way around this would be to call the girl-girl relationships homosexual relationships because they are TECHNICALLY homosexual, meaning comprised of two individuals who are of the same gender.  I guess that's what I'll do.]

So how does one navigate the dark and twisty road that is female homosexual relationships, without that oh so comforting blanket of patriarchy to use as a guide?  I should hope that the answer would be obvious: discuss it with your date/girlfriend/partner/_(other similar words)_.  If one is not sure who is paying for dinner, or who is leading in the dance, or who is opening whose door, I purpose talking about it.

Dating is hard, there is no need to make it harder by trying to play a game, or be coy, or any of that nonsense.  And I need to follow my own advice.

biphobia, bierasure and the crusade to make me straight or gay by e

I saw a new therapist this week.  He seems like a cool dude; he said "fuck" within 15 minutes of meeting me and sat cross-legged in his office chair.  When I told him that my fiance and I broke up because I liked girls his first response was: "So lesbian?"  I said, "Well, not straight."  He then proceeded to tell me that  he would use "gay" or "lesbian" and just follow myself identification.  It didn't hit me then but has since: bisexual didn't seem to cross his mind.  Bisexual doesn't seem to cross many people's minds as a legitimate form of sexuality.  Maybe because when a bi/pan/queer person couples, they are automatically identified as straight- if they are in a heterosexual relationship- or gay- if they are in a homosexual relationship.  Someone who is bi/pan/queer has to come out as bi, even if they are coupled, lest the aforementioned occur.  The following that are thoughts and ideas that I have heard from people about what THEY think it means to be bisexual or pansexual or anything other than gay or straight. The links go to articles that I have recently read about bisexuality in the media, and my favorite lines from those articles.  I hope you become educated.

 Inaccurate, yet totally believed ideas about what is means to be bi/pan:

• you're indecisive
• you aren't capable of monogamy
• you're lying because: A) you must lean, however slightly, one way or the other; or B) you are just trying to be cool by saying you're a member of a minority population
• if you date opposite sex, you're automatically straight and if you date same sex, you're automatically gay, there is no room for what YOU know you are
• you are just confused about what you want from a relationship
• you can be in a hetero relationship and therefore escape the discrimination, ergo you aren't truly a member of the LBGT community and shouldn't benefit from going to Pride, PFLAG or an LBGT Center
• you're a "sexual tourist"; just sleeping around, having fun, but will settle with into a straight relationship, therefore you aren't worth the time as a serious dating prospect
• bisexuality isn't real

10 Bisexual Celebrities that Everyone Keeps Labeling as Gay or Straight

"....one glaring issue in our culture is bi erasure. All too often, people who call themselves bisexual get hammered into ill-fitting cubbies labeled “straight” and “gay”"

Why Bisexuals Stay in the Closet

"....experts say there is still little known about bisexuals because studies often group them with gay men and lesbians." 

The Scientific Quest to Prove Bisexuality Exists

"Most bisexuals are in convenient opposite-sex relationships and aren’t open about their sexual orientation. Why would you be open, when there is so much biphobia?"

"When Lawrence said that he was bisexual, the man looked at him with a pained face and muttered: “Oh, I wish you’d told me that before. I thought this was a real date.”"

"But in the eyes of many Americans, bisexuality — despite occasional and exaggerated media reports of its chicness — remains a bewildering and potentially invented orientation favored by men in denial about their homosexuality and by women who will inevitably settle down with men."

“They said that bisexuals couldn’t be trusted, that they would inevitably leave you for a man. Had I come out as lesbian, I could have been welcomed with open arms, taken to parties, invited to join the softball team." 

"[Indiana University Researcher Brian Dodge] found that compared with their exclusively homosexual and heterosexual counterparts, bisexuals have reported higher rates of depression, anxiety, substance use, victimization by violence, suicidal ideation and sexual-health concerns." 

Is Bisexual Identity a Useful Fiction?

"Start with the stereotypes: Bi men are often perceived to be gay men with forays into heterosexuality—yet bi women are frequently painted as straight women with forays into homosexuality."

 "....no matter how close bi people move toward a Kinsey 3, society will never allow them to completely shake their purported starting point."

 "....bisexuality, as an identity, is little more than a useful fiction. Don’t believe it. The problem lies not in bisexuality itself, but in the modern bisexual movement, which has failed to articulate a coherent platform beyond its initial goals of recognition."

 Bisexuality: What NYT and Slate Got Wrong

"This is a perfect example of why matters of great significance to bisexuals continue to be covered up and erased -- greater society and the media that represents it continue to emphasize the sexual aspects of bisexuality instead of the difficult, often tragic problems that come with being bisexual, as well as the advancement of the community as a whole."

My momma calls me lucky because I "have the ability to fall in love with anyone."