I hate BYU. I wish I didn’t. I wish I didn’t have a panic attack every time I set foot on campus.
But I do and I am.
So what am I going to do? Stay.
Why?
Because I need to. Last summer when I wanted to quit a
teacher from high school sent me an email. She said that she had been following
the blog and thought I should stay at BYU. Because I have a voice here. I can
change things here.
But how can I do that when I barely can sum up the
courage to wear my ‘gay’ tee shirt. And what about when I get my LGBT/Obama
gear!? (I got it BTW and I think they are epic!)
But I have to be strong. Because I will change this
place.
This place that breeds hate.
This place that breeds ignorance.
This place that takes my breath away in fear.
My mom is worried that I may be too stressed and should
quit my job.
It’s not the job. I love my job.
It’s not the 18 credits. I’ll take 21 if I can get out of
here faster.
It’s the constant fear that all the hate will someday be
mine.
I’ve never been bullied before.
I was called fat once when I was 8. But so what? I’ve had
my curves my entire life and I’m quite attached to them thank you very much.
Last summer some people were talking shit about me. That
might have hurt. Okay it sucked.
But when I was friends with someone and then they found
out I was gay and bailed… well that just about broke my heart. Rephrase: it did
break my heart. It turned up my world and made me question everything. But I
wouldn’t change it. I now know who I am. Every day I solidify the little pieces
that make up Dupree. So someday when I meet someone and start to care about
them, and by some miracle they care about me, I can show them who I am. And if
they don’t like it they leave before we get too deep.
Well that was all rambles. But the point is that I might
be scared but I can’t leave. I can’t turn tail and run away. I have to stand up
for the minority and show them that it’s okay to be themselves.
It’s okay to have curves.
It’s okay to have tattoos.
It’s okay to swear like a sailor (when appropriate of
course).
It’s okay to wear what you think is comfortable.
It’s okay to be attracted to whom you’re attracted to.
It’s okay to love who you want to love.
It’s okay to sing even though you may be terrible at it.
It’s okay to get a B, or a C, or even a D. And if you
fail a class, just take it again!
It’s okay to drive a POS that you love and name and talk
to.
It’s okay to cry.
It’s okay to yell.
It’s okay to be hurt or disappointed.
It’s okay to laugh even if you think your face gets all
contorted and you sound like something dying.
It’s okay to have a crush on the guy your best friend has
a crush on. Okay maybe not but I need something to ease my guilty soul.
You get my point? You’re okay. I’m okay. We’ll all be
okay.
Oh and PS- First week back to school was good, I guess I should mention that.
Oh and PPS- I'm going to MISS YOU JO!
Dark Side- Kelly Clarkson.
There's a place that I know
If I show it to you now
Will it make you run away
Or will you stay
Even if it hurts
Even if I try to push you out
Will you return?
And remind me who I really am
Please remind me who I really am
Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
